Chaste

by Lydia Michaels

  His palms roamed over her arching back as her fingers raked through his hair. She was unrefined, her need demanding and starved. He couldn’t touch her breasts. Earlier, she’d said no naked. Simply letting his touch roam over her shoulders was enough and more than he’d ever expected.

  He pulled her down on his lap and took over the kiss. His mouth closed over hers as his need multiplied. His heart raced as his skin heated.

  Little keening sounds slipped from her throat and suddenly she broke with the sweetest shivers. It wasn’t a life altering orgasm, but he’d be willing to bet it was her first. Her face fell onto his shoulder as her arms tightened around his shoulders, little fingers digging through the fabric of his shirt and pressing into the muscles of his back.

  Soft pants of breath beat into his shoulder and he waited. Slowly, her head lifted and she blinked up at him with so many questions in her shimmering eyes. “I feel…” Her face lowered and she frowned.

  “Wet?”

  Her gaze jerked to his, a look of surprise and uncertainty on her face. She nodded.

  “That’s because you came,” he explained. “It’s what happens. It’s how a woman’s body prepares for a man’s.”

  Her face paled and she scrambled to stand. Her motions were uncoordinated as he suspected she was still suffering aftershocks and slight quivers. His fingers tightened on her hips.

  “Kelly.” Her voice was stern, but her chin trembled.

  Regret punched through him. She’d said she was okay with experimenting. “Hey,” he said, trying to break through her obvious panic. “Please don’t freak out.”

  “That was more than kissing.”

  “That was making out.”

  Innocent eyes blinked back at him. “You knew that would happen?”

  “I hoped. Ashlynn, most girls have experiences like this in their teen years. You’re twenty-four and I assure you, your chastity’s intact.”

  Indecision wavered on her face. “I don’t know how long that’ll be true if I keep spending time with you.”

  Sudden dread doused his confidence. He couldn’t walk away. Not yet. He met her gaze, reaffirming his earlier promise. “I swear I won’t cross the line. Trust me to know where it is.”

  She swallowed and he waited, hoping she wouldn’t end what they had before it even started. Her virginity was intended for someone else. No matter how good being inside of her would feel, he didn’t want the guilt of stealing it in a moment of heated passion that would result in her regret. Protecting her virtue was imperative. “Please.”

  Eventually, she nodded. “I feel so ignorant,” she confessed in a small voice.

  His hand left her hip and cupped her face. “You’re just inexperienced. Nothing wrong with that.”

  “I imagine I won’t be for long.”

  His stare drilled into hers. “Your virginity will go to your husband, Ashlynn. You have my word.”

  Small creases formed behind the lenses of her glasses. “But what of my innocence?”

  Chapter Six

  Ashlynn wanted to see Kelly with a desire so fierce it terrified her. So she did the exact opposite and stayed busy with her work. On Saturday the temptation to go to him doubled. She found herself constantly thinking about him and his lips and his hands, his sexy voice, and that oh-so-wicked mouth. Never before had such corrupt thoughts filled her mind.

  He was dangerous. When he looked into her eyes he awakened parts of her she’d never acknowledged. Josh called her several times over the week. While she hadn’t spent nearly as much time thinking about him, she found his company much more tolerable to Kelly’s.

  With Josh, her control never slipped. He never looked at her with the raw lust she often found in Kelly’s fiery blue stare. So when Josh asked her to a movie Saturday night she’d happily agreed.

  As the movie let out he took her hand and walked her back to the car. “Would you like to get a drink somewhere?”

  The last place she wanted to go was O’Malley’s. It didn’t feel right, kissing one man one day and accepting a date with another man the next. “Um, I think I’d like to go home.”

  It was the first time Josh had picked her up so as he drove her home she wondered if she was making a mistake. She didn’t want him to assume too much, yet she also didn’t want him to get frustrated with her prudishness.

  Josh was looking for long term, or so his dating profile said. He wanted a family and had no issues with commitment. Kelly on the other hand was looking for sex. Ashlynn didn’t have sex, but there was a whole lot of pre-game stuff she wanted to try with Kelly.

  As Josh parked his car next to her truck, he turned off the engine. She fidgeted with her bag and waited for him to speak.

  “Did you like the movie?”

  She smiled. See…easy. “Yes. I didn’t expect that twist at the end.”

  He smiled back at her and she sensed he wanted to kiss her. Excitement coursed through her, because she really liked kissing. Her chest tightened with anticipation as he leaned in and slowly placed his lips on hers. Her eyes shut and images of tanned skin, blue eyes, and Gaelic tattoos filled her mind.

  Jerking back, she pressed her fingers to her lips. She wasn’t expecting that to happen and felt like a harlot.

  “Is something wrong?” Josh asked.

  She was a Jezebel. Guilt twisted her stomach. Although Kelly had claimed not to care if she carried on her relationship with Josh, she didn’t feel right keeping Josh in the dark about Kelly. “Josh, what…are we doing?”

  His patient eyes searched her face. “We were kissing.”

  “But what is this that we’re doing?” she asked, waving her hand between the two of them.

  He nodded in understanding. “Do we have to put a label on it this early? I like you, Ashlynn. I think we get along good, but I don’t want to rush into labeling it.”

  She nodded slowly, a little relieved. “So we aren’t monogamous?”

  “Did you want to be?”

  She valued monogamy, but her behavior of late told another story. “I think for right now we should keep it open.”

  His expression blanked. He didn’t appear angry or offended, just curious. “Is there someone else you’re seeing?”

  She swallowed. Honesty was best. “Someone else asked me out, but I want to be honest. He knows about you.”

  He sat back seeming to digest this information. “I guess that’s fair.”

  “Are…are you talking to any other women?”

  “I haven’t gone out with anyone else in a few weeks, but I still have my profile up on the dating site. I’m okay with seeing other people for now. If things get serious, we’ll adjust accordingly.”

  He kissed her again, nothing like the way Kelly kissed her, but it wasn’t a bad kiss. When he left she went to bed. The past two nights had been restless and her body was paying for it.

  The following morning she woke up, took a quick shower, and headed to church an hour before mass started. Her guilt lingered, regardless of Josh’s acceptance that they were free to see other people. Maybe she wasn’t the kind of woman who could play the field. The comfort of praying was something she desperately needed.

  As she sat in the empty pew, her fingers worked over the beads of the rosary and her mouth silently repeated the words she’d memorized since childhood. She begged God for guidance. It didn’t feel right to date two men at once, but she didn’t want to choose between them, because the choice was obvious. One man offered a possible future while the other limited himself to only the now.

  There was no sure thing. Only time would tell.

  But she was certain time would not change Kelly McCullough into the marrying type.

  She’d known the kind of man he was the moment she set eyes on him, yet some irrational part of her couldn’t give him up. He’d eventually pulverize her heart and she’d try to move on. That was the likely outcome. However, there was still that part of her that believed in miracles.

  Ashlynn wasn’t a stupid pers
on. She had the facts right in front of her. Yet she couldn’t shake the instinct that Kelly was more than the man he showed the world. He was afraid of responsibility, afraid of failing. In order for that to be true, he’d have to care on some level, right?

  Yes, she was certain there was more beneath the careless surface. The rest of their small town may be convinced he was just some handsome man-child living in the moment, but she gleaned a bit more of his actual self every time they talked. And that was the problem. Every time she was with him, her stupid heart gullibly swelled, tricking her mind into believing she had more than a microscopic shot in hell of changing the outcome of their relationship.

  Her shoulders slumped. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He straight out told her—more than once—that he had no intentions of ever getting married. She didn’t want to be his wife, but she at least wanted to know there was the slightest possibility that they could end up together. Otherwise she was just setting herself up for heartbreak.

  Not only was her heart at risk, but deep down she believed he honestly didn’t want to hurt her. So how did they get around hurting each other without ending their association? She knew the answer. There was no way. It was a fool’s bet to gamble on him changing when every other woman in Center County accepted he was who he was and that he was never going to change.

  An ache formed in her chest as she considered saving her heart and ending things now. There didn’t seem to be a pain-free escape. She was already too invested, too curious, and too attracted to walk away unscathed.

  As she prayed she wondered if she should break up with Kelly and give Josh her full attention. He was the type of man she could see a future with, but he wasn’t the man who filled her belly with butterflies and made her heart race.

  As parishioners entered the church, Ashlynn pocketed her rosary and looked for her father. He was always early and spotted her right away. After genuflecting, he slid in beside her and squeezed her hand. “How you doin’, sug?”

  She kissed his cheek. “Hi, Daddy. I’m good.”

  They waited silently for mass to begin and Ashlynn’s eyes went to the couple in the pew to her left. It was Colin McCullough and his family. Colin was older than her and she’d assumed he’d someday become a priest, but now he had a very pregnant wife and a daughter named Tallulah. He still participated in mass regularly, but that was where his service ended.

  Behind him were Maureen and Frank McCullough, Kelly’s parents, and their daughter Sheilagh, Kelly’s sister. She smiled and waved at Ashlynn, which took her off-guard. Ashlynn waved back and faced the front. Other McCulloughs filled the pews to her right, Kelly’s cousins and extended family. There were several of them.

  Her brow pinched as she considered the last time she’d seen Kelly at church. She doubted he attended the evening mass. It had been years since she recalled seeing him there at all. The heavy weight in the pit of her stomach that she’d been ignoring all weekend doubled.

  What are you doing? You know the answer. You’re only hurting yourself by denying the truth. He is never going to be the right guy for you. You’re too different.

  She must have groaned. Her dad tapped her knee and whispered, “You all right, Lynn? You look a little pale.”

  “I’m fine.” Shutting her eyes, she tried to clear her head.

  Josh was Christian, but not Catholic. He claimed to attend the Baptist church down the road regularly. Maybe she could talk to Kelly about his faith and find out why he no longer practiced.

  Faith was something her parents shared with her and she intended to do the same with her children. It was another factor in choosing a good man, another arrow pointing to the fact Kelly was the wrong man. This wasn’t like her. She wasn’t an ignorant ostrich used to burying her head in the sand. She knew better, but also believed everything happened for a reason. She just wished God would share the reasons for putting Kelly McCullough smack dab in the middle of her once simple life.

  Mass was the norm until Father Mark started the homily. Ashlynn had been listening quietly when the direction of the priest’s remarks hit her like a bolt of lightning.

  Father Mark stood at the altar, over his large book of notes and said, “I recently had dinner with some old friends.”

  Father Mark was the same priest who taught her the many blessed sacraments and took her first confession. He was younger than the other priests, likely in his early forties now, a handsome man who kept the parishioners interested and had a gift for speaking plainly.

  His voice carried over the congregation and Ashlynn grew self-conscious as though he was addressing her alone. “At the end of the meal, the younger children were excused, but Thomas, the eldest son remained at the table with the adults. Thomas is in the process of selecting colleges. Young adults are fascinating. They seem to still hold that childlike innocence that allows them to ask questions without embarrassment, yet their knowledge is advanced from the excessive media nowadays.

  “We got to talking and the fact that I’m celibate came up. Our conversation staggered for a moment as Thomas asked how any man could make such a sacrifice, which got me thinking.

  “I can recall a time in my early twenties when I’d visited a rectory on the Jersey shore. Indeed, at that time, seeing so many lovely young woman on the cusp of falling in love, I was definitely second guessing my vow of celibacy. But over time, I realized, that longing to appreciate intimacy would be replaced with a greater gift.

  “I couldn’t comprehend what I was supposed to gain from being chaste. The calling of God isn’t always logical to us, but that doesn’t prevent it from being personal. Celibacy is perhaps one of the most personal sacrifices I’ve made for Him.

  “Several years later I toured Italy. As an Irishman, my Italian’s dreadful. Luckily I had several good people with me to translate. One afternoon I was sitting in Venice, people watching as I often do. There was a family passing by that needed no translation. The father laughed, a universal sound in any language. He was laughing with affection at something his young daughter said as he scooped her up in his big, powerful hands and held her to the sky as she squealed with joy. He kissed her and my heart pinched with longing.”

  “I asked God, was I not meant to be a father?” As Father Mark posed the question Ashlynn’s gaze drifted to Colin McCullough again. Tallulah lay sleeping on his broad shoulder, his large hand petting gently over her back.

  “I realized I was meant to be a father to many,” Father Mark said, nodding at the flock.

  Ashlynn’s mind drifted. There was a line in the Book of Ruth, ‘I will go wherever you go. Wherever you live I will live.’ They weren’t in that section of the Bible, but that line suddenly dominated all other thoughts out of nowhere.

  It was a vow of marriage. That’s what a vow of celibacy was. It wasn’t about saying no, but more importantly, saying yes. It was about saying yes to God, in good times and bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worst. It was a promise, an eternal gift given to one.

  Ashlynn’s throat constricted. It was the gentle reminders like this that told her God knew she was trying, understood her struggles, and was there to guide her. But above all, it reminded her that her choices still sat right with her. She was saving herself for one man and the sad realization was that man was not going to be Kelly McCullough.

  When mass ended Ashlynn’s beliefs were reaffirmed. The homily was empowering, telling her to hold true to what she knew in her heart to be right. She was twenty-four and likely the oldest virgin in Center County, but she believed she was guarding something for the man she’d someday marry.

  * * * *

  After church she and her father visited the local diner for breakfast and she told him all about Josh. Perhaps hearing all the other man’s good qualities would make persuading her heart a little less painful. The rest of the day she passed in her garden. It was dusk by the time she returned from dropping off her harvested items at the market and as she pulled into her driveway, she suc
ked in a breath at the sight of Kelly’s truck.

  Climbing out of her vehicle, she smiled shyly in his direction. He approached her and brushed a chaste kiss on her cheek. “Where’ve you been?” he asked.

  Her resolve snapped like an old branch. Heat pounded through her veins, burning her flesh, provoking every nerve to lean into him and press her body to his. Stepping back in an attempt to dispel the dizzying effect he had on her, she desperately searched for words. What had she been meaning to say to him? “I was dropping off some things at the market.”

  “I haven’t seen you since Friday.”

  Her eyes focused on the ground as she bustled past him in hopes of regaining her determination to do what was right. She grabbed the empty bushel baskets from the bed of the truck and carried them to the shed. “I’ve been around.”

  The containers dropped in the corner by the door where she usually stored them and she turned. Kelly’s lips swallowed her startled gasp. He’d snuck up behind her and she was cornered in the shadows, cocooned in his arms. All rational thoughts flitted away as her body sagged in his arms while his mouth brought hers to life. He had the incredible gift of making her insides heavy and her body lighter.

  He slowly pulled away. “I missed you,” he whispered.

  A slight moan escaped her bruised lips and she fought the urge to press up on her toes and kiss him some more. No!

  “What did you do this weekend?” He held the door then followed her back toward the house.

  Her eyes focused everywhere but his face. “Nothing much. Worked. Saw a movie. Went to church and had breakfast with my dad. Worked some more.”

  “What movie?”

  She turned on the light in her den and went to the kitchen to wash her hands. “That new one with Nicole Nottingham.” She shut off the faucet and she reached for the plaid dishtowel hanging from the knob on the cabinet.

  “Did you go alone?”

  She stilled. Readjusting the thin dishtowel that had been her mother’s, she faced him. When she lifted her lashes to meet his gaze she steeled herself. He morals were at war, right versus wrong, and that blurry place her choices landed her and Kelly. “What is it you want to know, Kelly?”