Chaste

by Lydia Michaels

  “Did you see Josh?”

  Would he leave if she told him the truth? Was that what she wanted? His eyes guarded some emotion she couldn’t fully identify. She swallowed. “Yes.”

  “Did he kiss you?”

  Indignity had her brow lowering. There was definitely censure in his tone. Maybe if she told him the truth he’d get mad and leave. That would be for the best, but she was too chicken to find out. “That’s none of your business.”

  His head tipped. Why did he have to be so attractive? Was he angry or curious? “Are you planning on going out with him again?”

  “Why? Did you change your mind about monogamy?” Maybe he could be the sensible one, because I’m certainly not.

  He shook his head in the negative and unexpected disappointment flooded her. If he really cared, wouldn’t it bother him that she was dating someone else? More arrows pointing to the obvious.

  The set of his dark eyes told her he was holding back. It wasn’t like him to be so guarded. If Kelly demanded she only date him, she’d agree in a heartbeat. But this was Kelly and he wasn’t looking for serious. Making such a request would suggest he wanted more and that was one boundary he repeatedly reminded her he wouldn’t cross.

  His expression blanked, hiding away any signs of worry for what she assumed was a façade of indifference. “You can date who you want. We’re just playing around.”

  She winced. His words wounded her, cutting right to her heart and cheapening everything they shared into nothing more that some tawdry liaison. Stepping back, she sharpened her gaze. “Don’t do that. Don’t act like it’s nothing. Doing so only insults both of us.” He was never going to change.

  He shrugged. “Well, whatever it was, it must not have been much if you spent the weekend with someone else.”

  She sucked in a harsh breath. “You jerk.” The word ‘was’ slammed into her like a mallet to a gong, the past tense term rattling her to the core.

  His act of indifference wavered and he averted his eyes. “I’m not the one hooking up the other people.”

  “You said you didn’t care!”

  “Who said I was lying?”

  Through clenched teeth she growled, “How dare you? How dare you act like the other day was nothing when you know it was more than any fast screw with some whore.” How dare he make her feel like a whore!

  “Maybe for you.”

  How could he act so cold? “Get out!”

  His jaw tensed. Slowly, he looked at her and she could barely hold his stare. For whatever reason he was being a jerk, he clearly wanted some reaction out of her. If he needed attention this wasn’t the way to earn it. Cruelty didn’t gain kindness in her book. Neither did it justify lowering her standards in order to fight back. Still, she wouldn’t stand there and be made to feel the fool.

  “Ashlynn—”

  “Don’t! I believed in you. I thought you were more than the rumors. I thought…” Her voice seized, but she forced the words out. “I thought if I was patient and gave you a chance you’d actually prove them all wrong and be the good guy I know you can be. But that’ll never happen. Not so long as you insist on proving them right so you never have to try or risk letting your poor ego down.”

  His brow crumpled as his eyes shut. What the heck was this? He looked shattered, but he was the one that had just hurt her.

  She shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. He was an expert and she was barely a novice. He warned her he wouldn’t change and she stupidly remained optimistic. She was like some derelict investing their last dollar in a lottery they’d never win.

  He was too much for her in so many ways and this mental sparring was making her feel very…ugly inside. Part of the reason she was still a virgin was because the mind games of a physical relationship were just too much.

  She wasn’t a nasty person, but self-preservation had her toughening her resolve. “I want you to leave.”

  He slowly sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and let it go. His gaze caught hers and she took a retreating step, putting the counter at her back. Her chin hiked up an inch and she swallowed. He didn’t get to intimidate her. No matter how filthy his accusations made her feel, some guy afraid of his own emotions would not bully her.

  Coward! “You’re a coward, Kelly McCullough.”

  His eyes held an air of confusion she wasn’t used to seeing, but beyond confusion was pure, unfiltered lust. How could someone be angry and still look aroused? Was this supposed to teach her some lesson, that he was cold and uncaring?

  “What am I afraid of, Ashlynn?”

  “Apparently, me.”

  He laughed. “How so?”

  When she retreated another step he followed her, closing her in against the pantry. Her heart pummeled her chest as her pulse leapt to life. “You think because I’m the lonely virgin I’m desperate? Just some clueless victim of circumstance? I’m no more that girl than you are the cocky jerk acting indifferent like my opinion means nothing to you.”

  His lashes lowered, narrowing his gaze, disarming her with that intense, deep blue stare as his mouth kicked up with too much false arrogance. He was so close his breath teased her lips. “I warned you.”

  Her fist shot out and bunched in his shirt. Her glare tightened as she scowled up at him. “Go play your games with someone else, Kelly. I don’t have time for boys and made the mistake of thinking you were a man.”

  That hit a nerve. His intense stare broke and he immediately stepped back. Forcing her body to remain stiff, she fisted her hands at her side. “Okay. It’s done.”

  Okay? It’s done? What was he trying to do, make her hate him? He wasn’t making any sense. Why the hell did he come here? To pick a fight? To make her feel like a whore when she hadn’t done anything wrong? Making a sound of disgust, she turned to the window and waited for him to leave.

  The room was silent for a steady minute. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet she could barely make out his words.

  “I want you so much,” he whispered. “Not just your body. I want to touch and talk to you. I want to plant things beside you in the garden and listen to you tell stories about the rabbits out to destroy your crops. I want to kiss you until you’re sobbing with pleasure in my arms. But I will never be the right guy for you.”

  Her heart seized at the desperation threaded in his voice. What? He was one big contradiction. Is that why he was hurting her? Was it intentional, a way to save himself? More games. More childish avoidance.

  She stiffened her spine and twisted, meeting his gaze. “You can’t have me.”

  His brows drew tight as he stared into her eyes, tension so clear on his face it could almost be mistaken for pain. That was ridiculous.

  “Why does being a virgin mean so much to you?” he snapped.

  That’s what this was about. At the end of the day she was just the one thing he couldn’t have and he was lashing out.

  She’d asked herself that question a million times in the past few days. The truth was, she wasn’t in the best mental state to answer with great conviction. Her answer was a cop out, lacking any real logic, but it was true and would have to be enough. “Because it’s what I was taught.”

  He stepped closer, crowding her further into the doors of the pantry, and picked up her right hand, his thumb tracing over the silver band there. His proximity had a different effect now that he’d hurt her. He’d lost a bit of that hold he’d always had over her. “And this?”

  She withdrew her hand, fisting it at her side. “That’s different.”

  “It’s a promise ring,” he stated the obvious.

  “Why are you asking me about this?”

  “I’m curious.”

  She kept her answers skeletal, only giving him the bones of so many honest explanations that formed the foundation of the beliefs she’d stood on since childhood. Those explanations were personal and he’d abused her trust today. “My dad gave me the ring when I was sixteen. I’ve never taken it off.”

  “Did your p
arents wait until they were married?”

  “I don’t know. I assume so.”

  “Is this about keeping a promise to your father or to God?”

  Her mind filled with saints that died for their faith. If those martyrs could face such judgment she could surely face Kelly McCullough without buckling. “Both. My parents loved each other very much. When I marry my husband I want to give him a part of me only he will ever know. You’ll never understand that sort of sacrifice.”

  He stepped back. “No, I probably won’t.” His head tipped up and his eyes were again harsh. “Are you upset about what happened the other day?”

  “No, but I can see you have regrets. Don’t worry. It won’t happen again. I’m not a charity case that needs your care. I can promise you this. My clothes will never come off for you. We were wrong to think we could fool around without getting emotionally involved. I’m not built that way and I don’t think you can handle me.”

  A snide chuckle escaped his throat. “You have no idea all the ways I could handle you.”

  She shook her head. “No, you’re wrong. You just want to believe you’re man enough to enchant any girl that crosses your path. But I’m not some girl, Kelly. I’m a woman, a lady, no matter how much I may not look the part. And so long as you keep believing we’re all the same, you’ll never know anything more than the hollow company you keep.”

  “You can’t be such an expert when you’ve never crossed the line.”

  “I know enough. I’m not completely ignorant. I know how to love. I’m not afraid of my emotions like you are. As a matter of fact, I’m so eager to give my heart away, all the other stuff can come second. You and I have different ideals, because you’ll always use the physical to push away the emotional. But I saw through you, Kelly. I saw through you and it scared you. Now, you come here and hurt my feelings…”

  “I would have eventually hurt you anyway.”

  “Says you. I guess we’ll never know.” It was a physical effort to keep her back stiff and her stance proud.

  “All I would have ever been was a fun detour on the way to your future.”

  You could have been my future, but you didn’t want to try. “The night we sat in my truck talking, you said you hated being stereotyped. I’ve tried very hard not to put a label on you and to get to know the actual person behind the façade. But you’re the one who can’t let go of the act, Kelly, not me.”

  “And no matter how much you want me to see past your innocence, I can’t. Because when it’s all over you’ll go to him.”

  “Who?”

  He shrugged. “Josh. Whoever. But it was never meant to be me.”

  “Because you never wanted to give that much!”

  A sardonic smile twisted his features. “But like everyone else, you were willing to take what you could get, use what I had to offer.”

  “Because I stupidly thought you were capable of more.”

  “And there you have it, love. I told you who I was and you wanted something better.”

  “You are better, Kelly! You just refuse to see it.”

  “Stop looking for someone I’m not!” He snapped. “I would have touched you and kissed you and showed you everything you needed to know for some man you haven’t even met yet!”

  “That was your idea! I never asked you to do that.”

  “You didn’t reject the opportunity either.”

  “Well, you just have me all figured out then, don’t you? It isn’t just about coping with my virginity. It’s about intimacy and trust. The second you made me feel cheap you ruined that trust. It doesn’t matter what you like, or my friends like, or even what Josh likes. It matters only what my husband likes and only for him will I share that side of myself.”

  “You’re right. And I’m sure when you meet him he’ll be everything I’m not.”

  “No. He’ll be everything you were afraid to be.”

  He was suddenly pressing into her front again. He’d moved so fast she’d somehow missed it. His lips pressed to her neck and he whispered, “I hope your husband appreciates how lucky he is when he finds you.” His mouth hovered over her wild pulse. “I hope he knows how special the gift you have for him truly is. What you’re willing to do for him and how rare that is.”

  Her body was shaking. What if her future husband didn’t appreciate everything she held for him? Her mind screamed in panic. Harboring hopeless dreams that Kelly would be that man, she struggled to accept Kelly was actually giving up. When he pulled back such disappointment filled her, there was no denying the truth. He was never going to be that man.

  Her husband was a faceless amalgam, but over the years, more so in the past few weeks, her imagination adapted that man with pieces of Kelly. His blue eyes, his strong arms, his dark hair that flashed blue under certain light, it was all him.

  “Goodbye, Ashlynn.”

  She didn’t want him to leave, but it was for the best. She deserved a courageous man, not someone too afraid to try. Her shoulders trembled with resolve as her mind objected and her last shred of hope dissolved.

  When her front door closed and his truck pulled away, a tear slipped past her lashes. How did someone bereave something they never had and never would know? If ending her association with Kelly was right, why did it feel so wrong?

  Chapter Seven

  “Read’em and weep, boys.” Josh fanned out his cards and Kelly nearly broke a molar. Well, the prick just won everything, didn’t he?

  “Bleeding Christ, I’m losing my shirt tonight,” Finn said, tossing his cards on the table.

  “You always lose,” Kelly commented, swooping up the deck. It was his turn to shuffle.

  “Fuck off, Kelly. It isn’t like you’ve won a pot yet.”

  He scowled at his brother and tapped the deck on the table.

  “Anyone need a beer?” Colin asked, always the diplomat.

  Josh stretched like a proud peacock. If it were hunting season Kelly would have shot the bastard. “I’ll take one, Colin. All this winning’s making me thirsty.”

  “You owe me money for the beer,” Kelly mumbled as he dealt the cards.

  “Shouldn’t be a problem,” Josh remarked, stacking his chips.

  Kelly rolled his eyes. He’d had just about enough of Josh and his lucky streak. Colin returned and passed out fresh bottles. Finn worried about Mallory giving him shit for losing more than he was allowed to gamble. It all suddenly seemed so tedious. “Will you quit your fucking whining, Finnegan? Christ, change the tampon already and quit being such a bitch.”

  Everyone froze. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. Colin cleared his throat. Luke scowled and asked, “What’s up your ass, Kelly? Leave him alone. We all know Mallory can kick his ass.”

  Finn laughed, but there was no humor to the sound. His cards spread across the table. “I’m done.” He stood and Kelly sighed. Enough with the dramatics.

  Finn wasn’t the one he was pissed at. “Don’t leave,” he said, with little conviction.

  “Why? So you can sit here and break my balls some more? No thanks.”

  It was too easy. Under his breath, he muttered, “Thought your balls were tucked away in Mallory’s jewelry box.”

  The table slammed into his chest as Finn lunged, Colin pulling him back at the last second. “What the fuck is your problem?”

  “Nothing!”

  “Yo! Calm down,” Luke yelled.

  “Yeah, calm down, Finn,” Kelly said with an air of indifference.

  Luke turned his scowl on Kelly. “Shut the fuck up, Kelly. Stop antagonizing him.”

  Of all of the brothers, Luke was easily the biggest and the toughest, but Kelly was itching for a fight. Maybe Luke was his man. “What are you gonna do?”

  Luke took a menacing step forward and Finn shook off Colin’s hold. They all froze as their mother’s humming voice grew nearer. Maureen entered the room carrying a plate of something fresh out of the oven. “Here you go, boys. Some fresh baked gingersnaps.”

  They a
ll lowered their heads and mumbled a quick thank you, disguising the seething energy of the room.

  “Thanks, mum.”

  “Thanks, ma.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. McCullough.”

  She smiled and hummed as she returned to the kitchen. The second she was gone Luke smacked Kelly in the back of the head sending his hair over his eyes. “Don’t make me kick your ass, dipshit.” He grabbed a cookie and shoved it in his mouth. “Finn, sit down. We all know you aren’t going anywhere.”

  Finn scowled at Kelly as he lowered into his seat. Luke was now distracted by food. Josh looked uncomfortable and Colin’s questioning stare was drilling into Kelly’s scalp. He glanced up and his oldest brother shook his head as if to ask what the hell?

  Kelly shrugged and Colin tipped his head toward the door. A second later he disappeared.

  Luke snickered. “Now you gotta go make confession.” Kelly stood and smacked the hat off Luke’s head then stole three cookies as he skittered around the others and out the door. “You’re dead when you get back here! That’s my good hat.”

  “Blow me.” He pressed through the front door and the screen slammed shut with a weathered snap. “What’s up, Col?”

  His brother turned from where he sat on the step. “You tell me.”

  Kelly lowered himself to the step and handed over a cookie. “They were being a bunch of whiny bitches. I didn’t feel like listening to it.”

  “Finn always loses and always complains. Try again.”

  Kelly stretched out his legs and shoved a cookie in his mouth. They didn’t go with beer, but damn they were good. “Nothin’. Josh is on my nerves.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugged. “No reason.”

  “There’s always a reason, Kelly.”

  True, but they were his reasons and he wasn’t sharing. He shoved another cookie in his mouth.

  Colin sighed. “You’ve been in a mood for weeks. Something happen at the bar?”