Chaste

by Lydia Michaels

“No.”

  His brother turned and raised a skeptical brow. “A girl?”

  Kelly laughed. “Yeah, right.”

  Colin didn’t crack a smile. “Who?”

  He slapped him on the back and made to stand. “Nice try, Col. Sorry. Me and the lassies are fine as usual.”

  He’d almost made it to the door when his brother asked, “Who is she?”

  Hesitating, wanting so much to tell someone about the girl he’d come so close to caring for, he deliberated for a moment. He could trust Colin not to say anything to the others, but that was a big ass confession and he didn’t need anyone telling him what a prick he’d been.

  “You can talk to me, Kelly.”

  Shutting his eyes, he pivoted. “It never would’ve worked anyway.”

  Colin glanced over his shoulder. “Care to give me a little more to go on than that?”

  Returning to the step he dropped like a sack of rocks. “It sucks. I had her and I pushed her away—on fucking purpose.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she would have eventually moved on and I didn’t want to deal with that.”

  “Who are we talking about?”

  Kelly buttoned up. Shaking his head, he said, “It doesn’t matter. She’s already moved on to greener pastures.”

  “So go get her back. I thought you could have any girl you wanted.”

  He laughed derisively. “That won’t work with her. She wants…commitment, stability, everything I can’t offer.”

  “You’re as capable of those things as any man, Kelly. You just have to want it.”

  His brother’s words were so close to Ashlynn’s they almost made him paranoid. “Yeah, maybe for a day.”

  Colin didn’t comment for a while. “Do you love her?”

  Kelly laughed. “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Of course he was sure. He didn’t love her. Love was big. “It’s not like I have a point of reference, but I’m pretty sure I’d know if I bit the big one.”

  “I didn’t know,” Colin admitted.

  Kelly thought about his brother’s past and how Sammy came along. “Yeah, but you were on a totally different path. Part of you had to know.”

  “Nope. I thought about her all the time, constantly told her I couldn’t give her more, as if that could stop my feelings from happening, but they happened anyway. My opinion on the matter was inconsequential.”

  “So when did you realize you loved her?”

  Colin’s head tilted as he considered his response. “I guess the day I realized I was miserable without her. It didn’t matter if I was watching television or sitting around twiddling my thumbs, I wanted her there. Everything that always appealed to me no longer did, because she wasn’t a part of that path. She changed me, made me want to be a different kind of man, a better man.”

  Ashlynn made Kelly want to be a better man too, but he was nothing like his brother. Colin was strong, fair, and determined. “This one makes me want to be a better man too, but I’m not.”

  “How long’s it been since you were with her?”

  He was never with her. “I haven’t seen her in four weeks.”

  Colin whistled. “And have you been with anyone else since?”

  “I’ve kissed a few lassies, but haven’t followed any strays home if you know what I mean.”

  “That’s quite a dry spell for you.”

  You aren’t kidding. No matter how hard he tried to get Ashlynn out of his system, he couldn’t. It was like his spark was gone. That wasn’t what concerned him most, though. What was killing him was the fact that she hadn’t tried to get him back. She’d just let him walk away. Her lack of action only proved she knew she could do better and deserved better. It was confirmation he would never be good enough.

  Sighing, he said, “I haven’t been into it lately.”

  Colin’s brows shot up. He made a weak attempt to hide his laugh, but it was no use. “I never expected you to be celibate.”

  “Settle down. I’m just in a funk.”

  “I think the funk might be love.”

  “I think you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Colin’s expression sobered. “Just…promise to keep an open mind, Kelly. You’re not stupid. Look at my life. If someone told me I’d be waiting for the arrival of my second child and married to my brother’s ex I would have told them they were insane. Center County’s blue-eyed devil falling in love isn’t as farfetched as you think. Not with our family’s track record.”

  His brother’s words were comforting, but at the same time terrifying. If he did love Ashlynn he was fucked. Besides, he cared for her enough not to tamper with her right to a happy future and a man who could guarantee she’d get the emotional intimacy she needed. Kelly didn’t come with guarantees. He came with a shoddy track record and a ton of insecurities disguised in apathy. “Thanks, Colin.”

  “Any time, baby brother. Now, are you going to apologize to Finn or is Luke going to kick your ass? I just need to know if I should put down my beer so I can rip him off you.”

  “Luke’s a pussy.”

  Colin laughed and put down his beer. “Ah, the joys of dysfunctional families. Let’s get on with it then.”

  Kelly’s mouth kicked up. He really did have great brothers. He could go in there, start shit, and there was no doubt Colin would get his back and somehow manage to get Luke’s as well. He had no idea how one man could take all sides and do it so unanimously well.

  Kelly followed Colin into the den and Luke’s scowl immediately greeted him. Kelly grinned and slapped a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “I love you, man.”

  Luke patted his hand and the moment was over, lesson received. He looked at Finn. “Let’s do this. Four McCulloughs don’t sit around and lose money on their home court. Josh, you’re going down.”

  Finn smiled and nodded in a show of unity. “I’ll deal.”

  * * * *

  Over the six weeks that followed Kelly’s withdrawal, Ashlynn suffered a sense of uneasiness she’d never known before. Her days were busy, but her nights were incredibly lonely. She and Josh developed a sort of routine. They had dinner on Wednesdays, went to a movie on Saturdays, and did random things on Fridays.

  They never visited O’Malley’s anymore and she wondered if he’d figured out Kelly had been the other man. The monotony of her relationship with Josh was comforting as much as it was irritating. No matter how much Kelly’s words had hurt, and her dignity wouldn’t allow her to crawl back for more, Josh didn’t compensate for the other man’s absence. Kelly was Kelly and the things about him that made her crazy were also the things that made him so unique.

  After having dinner one Friday, they returned to her place to watch a movie on cable. Josh sat beside her, his fingers laced with hers all the way to the end credits. When the commercials started he faced her and smiled.

  Josh had a nice smile. He leaned close and kissed her, another sweet kiss that tickled her mouth, but little else.

  “Come here,” he said, pulling her closer.

  She shifted and he turned so that her back was tilted toward the cushion. After a few more kisses she was slouched beneath him. His fingers coasted over her hair, stilling when they came in contact with her glasses.

  “Take these off,” he whispered.

  “I won’t be able to see.”

  Ignoring her reply, he eased her glasses off her face anyway and she blinked through her blurred vision. His mouth returned to hers and the kissing continued. “Did you ever think of getting contacts?”

  Did he not like her glasses? “I prefer glasses.”

  “You have pretty eyes. You shouldn’t hide them.”

  He lowered his lips to hers and deepened the kiss. His hands coasted from her shoulders, short nails trailing slowly up and down her arms, until his palms found their way to her hips.

  The cool touch of his fingertips met her skin and she shifted. “Josh.” He slipped his palm under the hem of her shirt and pre
ssed his hand to the curve of her belly. “Josh,” she warned again. “What are you doing?”

  “Shh…”

  Why were men always telling women to be quiet when they had their hands where they shouldn’t? “Josh, stop.”

  He sighed and pressed his face to the curve of her shoulder. His hand stilled. “We’ve been dating for two months, Ashlynn.”

  “What does that matter?”

  He sat up, his hair tousled. “It should count for something.”

  She frowned and reached for her glasses. She couldn’t see a damn thing. “It’s not about putting in your time, Josh.”

  He huffed. “Don’t you get…” he waved his hand as if searching for the least offensive term. “You know…horny?”

  That was the best he could come up with? “Um…” She shrugged. “I’m curious, but there’s a bigger picture.”

  She ignored the fact that she’d allowed Kelly certain liberties. She’d amended some of her rules since he’d stepped out of her life. No one could hurt her with rejection quite as sharply as Kelly, but his departure definitely cemented some walls in place when it came to protecting herself. If Kelly were still present in her life, she wasn’t sure how strong those walls would hold. She doubted there’d ever come a day he wouldn’t be able to disarm her with a smile and some sweet words. Yet, with Josh…it was different. Those boundaries were as solid as ever.

  He flopped back on the couch and grumbled again. “A man has needs, Ashlynn.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, but they aren’t getting fulfilled on my couch.”

  He turned and appeared unimpressed. “I feel like I’m twelve.”

  She scoffed, a little put off by his mood. “You’re sort of acting like it too.”

  He shook his head and turned away. A moment later he snapped, “We could do other stuff, you know?”

  “Do you want to watch another movie?”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know, but it’s the most I can offer.”

  He rolled his eyes and sighed. “How much longer do you expect me to wait?”

  She stiffened. “I don’t expect anything from you. I expect something of myself. Whether you wait around for it or not is up to you.”

  He suddenly turned and kissed her. She pulled back, totally not in the mood. “What are you doing?”

  “Kissing you.” His lips sealed over hers and she shoved him.

  “Josh, stop. I’m not in the mood anymore.”

  He grumbled, “Are you ever?”

  What did he think this was? He couldn’t bully kiss her and suddenly change her mind. Kelly could.

  Crap. There it was again, reality, smacking her right between the eyes. Why did she keep fooling herself? Kelly was never going to want more than meaningless encounters and Josh was never going to have the effect Kelly had on her. Their chemistry was pathetic and she was basically using him because he was safe and didn’t tempt her.

  There had to be a happy medium, someone who made her body tingle and wanted long term as much as she did. The fact of the matter was, that guy wasn’t Josh and they both seemed to know it. They were just wasting time pretending things might change. “I think you should go.”

  “Maybe you’re gay.”

  Her brows shot up, tightening her expression as her mouth fell open. Whatever she’d expected him to say, it certainly wasn’t that! “Excuse me? Josh, I am not gay.”

  “You don’t seem to like men very much.”

  A puff of disbelieving laughter slipped past her lips. That wasn’t true. She liked men, just not the right ones. “I don’t like you very much right now. Besides, if I were gay it would make no difference. I’d still make my partner wait until we were in a committed relationship to be intimate.”

  He sighed. “Ashlynn, this isn’t working out the way I’d hoped.”

  “You want to break up?” She was surprised he’d said it first, but also sort of relieved.

  “I’m not asking for sex, but I need more. You won’t even let me under your shirt. Most virgins at least give blowjobs.”

  She gawked at him, completely taken aback by his words. When she found her voice she said, “This isn’t working out for me either. I think you should go.”

  His mouth opened as if he wanted to persuade her into changing her mind, but what was the point? As much as she thought Josh could have been the guy for her, she was wrong.

  He left shortly after and she spent an excruciating twenty minutes searching the Internet for blowjobs. She knew what a blowjob was, but couldn’t grasp the purpose. It seemed like a sort of selfish act on a man’s part. It didn’t take long for her to find quite graphic pictures that had her blushing to her roots.

  Yeah, I’m never doing that.

  She slammed her laptop shut.

  * * * *

  Roy slid a flyer over the old kitchen table and Ashlynn glanced at the paper as she flipped a card onto the pile. “Are you going to that?” she asked.

  “That sort of event is for the younger kids. I was thinking you might want to go.”

  She discarded and jotted down their scores. “Daddy, you know that’s not really my thing.”

  “It could be.”

  She shuffled. It was the Center County annual summer celebration at the lake. Citizens would bring potluck dishes and gather around the old picnic tables while children raced around the park playing water games and getting their faces painted. A band would play and, as the sun set, couples would dance under the pagoda until the firework display started.

  It was always a sweet sight, watching couples leave hand in hand, blankets tucked under their arms and their sweetheart pulled close to their side. The summer celebration in Center County served as a sort of American seduction that brought lovers together as though posing for some sort of Norman Rockwell painting on a backdrop of checkered red and white tables and accents of fresh baked apple pies. She’d likely watch the fireworks from the rocker on her porch like she did every year.

  “We’ll see,” she said, dealing out the next hand.

  As they played cards her father seemed reluctant to let the topic go. “I think it’d be good for you to go. Put on a nice outfit and meet some of the boys around town.”

  She hid a tight smirk. No matter what age she was her father would likely always consider her a kid and the men her age, boys. But to her they were all men, men with no interest in a farm girl lacking any feminine allure. No, they certainly didn’t want that bother. They all wanted…blowjobs.

  She picked up two cards from the pile. “We’ll see.”

  Her father leveled his knowing glare on her. “Sug, you gotta get out there. I know your heart’s hurtin’ since you and Josh called it quits. Puttin’ yourself out there’s a bit scary, but I know there’s a good boy out there just dying to dance with you.”

  “I don’t dance, Daddy.”

  “If I can dance, so can you.”

  She grumbled and focused on her hand.

  “Met your mother at the summer celebration.”

  Ashlynn sighed, dropping her cards to her lap. “Daddy… I don’t know if there’s a guy out there meant for me. Josh wasn’t right and you should see the other options. It’s not pretty.” There was no point in mentioning Kelly. God forbid she explain why he wasn’t right for her.

  He placed his cards on the table. “Go for me, sug. Just this once.”

  Crap. They were supposed to be playing Crazy Eights and he had to go pull the just for me card. “Dad—”

  “Please.”

  Her lips thinned. Her father never really asked her for anything more than a good game of cards or a home cooked meal. The man truly had no idea how inadequate attending such an event would leave her feeling. Yet she couldn’t tell him no. Letting out a long sigh, she reluctantly agreed. “Okay.”

  * * * *

  A week later she was dressed in her jean skirt, a white T-shirt, and trying to blend in to the paneled wood wall of the pavilion. A country band stood on the stage usu
ally reserved for the big bingo wheel, and townsfolk of all ages held their sweethearts as they slowly circled the dance floor.

  “Care to dance?”

  Ashlynn looked up from her flip-flops and met a pair of dark brown eyes. “Me?”

  The man, slightly older than herself, chuckled and nodded. The corner of his mouth kicked up. “Sure. You’re too pretty to be holdin’ up that wall.” He held out his hand. “I’m Evan.”

  He had medium brown hair, a rugged build, and skin that showed he’d worked outdoors. “I’m Ashlynn.” His palm was rough as it clasped hers, but his touch was gentle.

  “Pleasure. So how about that dance?”

  She hesitated only a moment and then nodded. Evan took her hand and led her to an opening on the crowded floor. The song changed and she recognized the cover of Amazed.

  Her feet tripped slightly, but Evan was a big man and he caught her before she embarrassed herself too much. His smile was soft like his eyes.

  “Sorry. I’m not very graceful.”

  “Let me lead, sugar, and you’ll be fine.”

  Her breath caught at the term her father had used to address her since childhood. Hearing someone call her sugar had a calming effect. She nodded tightly and relaxed a little more in his hold. Dancing was…nice.

  Evan’s touch was tender and he smelled pleasant. “What is it you do, Ashlynn? I haven’t seen you before.”

  “I own the farmer’s market in town.”

  “Is that so? I’m building the windmills just outside town. My union’s from out of Oklahoma.”

  The song picked up and he did a fancy spin. The room twirled, faces momentarily blurring and she forgot what they were talking about.

  “So why’s it a pretty girl like yourself is all alone tonight?”

  She wished she knew. “I don’t usually come to these sort of things.”

  His hand squeezed her hip. “Well, I’m glad I got to dance with you.”

  Being that this was her first dance, she was glad too. At least she could tell her father someone had asked. “How long will you be in Center County?”

  “A few weeks, depending on how long the job lasts.” The song changed from Amazed to a cover of Faith Hill’s Breathe. He met her eyes. “Shall we go for an—”