Chaste

by Lydia Michaels

  “You have someone.”

  No. “My heart belongs to someone.”

  He nodded. “I understand. Maybe we could still be friends.”

  She smiled. “I’d like that. You’re really helping my dad out and I appreciate that more than you know. I hope we’re friends for a long time.”

  After that, Brad continued to be polite and never asked her out again. She recognized it for the missed opportunity it was, but couldn’t find the strength to give away only half of her heart. She wanted all or nothing and by the looks of it, she was settling for a long road of nothing.

  She was okay with nothing. Nothing was lonely, but it was safe. Nothing didn’t open new wounds or surprise her with new thrills. There was no disappointment if nothing was all she ever expected. It was predictable and unchanging. It was just…nothing.

  She was coming to terms with her nothing love life and limited her crying to private. Her father often watched her with a world of questions in his eyes, but thankfully kept them to himself. If she could accept that this was her lot in life, he’d have to deal with it as well.

  She was Ashlynn Fisher. To the rest of the world she appeared exactly the same as she’d always been, but deep down she was falling apart. No matter how much she lied to the world and to herself, she was dying inside. It wasn’t until one Sunday night, late August that she realized how much she was actually kidding herself.

  She found herself parked outside of O’Malley’s watching for those long legs and sharp blue eyes that had haunted her dreams for the last decade. She shouldn’t be there. This was a terrible idea and dangerous, but she wanted to see him. Needed to.

  There were only two cars in the lot aside from Kelly’s truck. As she watched the first leave and then watched Sue climb into her VW and pull away, Ashlynn withdrew the keys and climbed out of the truck.

  She pulled open the door to the bar and confirmed it was empty. All the stools were flipped on the counter and the chairs were all stacked on the tables.

  “We’re closed,” Kelly’s voice called from the back.

  She took a deep breath and said, “I was hoping I could get a diet cola.”

  A moment later Kelly appeared, a rag dangling from his fingers and his eyes wide with surprise. “Ashlynn? What are you doing here?”

  Her lips pressed tight as she wrung her hands. “I don’t know.”

  He tossed the rag and came around the bar, not stopping until he was only a few inches from her face. “Did something happen?”

  She shook her head, the motion jagged and turning into a nod. “I missed you.”

  His chest lifted as he seemed to process her words. “I missed you too. A lot. Here, come sit down.”

  He pulled two chairs down from a table and went behind the bar. He made himself a drink and brought her a diet cola with two cherries floating at the top. Sitting across from her he took her hand. “How’ve you been, love?”

  She didn’t know what brought her there, only that she knew this was the one place she wanted to be. “I’ve been miserable.”

  His smile was sad. “Me too.”

  Her lips parted as she met his gaze. “You have?”

  He nodded. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t sleep. I barely eat. I’m like a bear with a thorn in its paw, but I can’t seem to rip it out.” He squeezed her hand. “I think about you all the time.”

  “You do?”

  “All the time. Even in my sleep.”

  She smiled. “I think about you too. I try not to, but you’re always there, in the back of my mind.” How had they come to this point? They didn’t know each other the way typical couples that dated got to know one another, yet at the same time she felt Kelly knew her better than anyone and she knew—really knew—a side of Kelly most women missed.

  “How are the rabbits treating you?”

  She chuckled. “The babies are all grown. I trapped a few and released them a few miles away, but more will come next year. I’m still considering getting a dog to help keep them away.”

  “I can just see you with your blue prints, setting up some Wiley Coyote Trap.”

  She laughed. “That’s sort of what it was like, minus the anvil.”

  “What else have you been doing? Have you seen the daiquiri?” he asked, looking away.

  “No. I don’t want to be around many people these days.”

  “I noticed.”

  She frowned at him. “Then why did you ask?”

  “I wanted to hear you say it. I’m sort of going through the same thing. Why do you think that is?”

  She shut her eyes, already feeling her body coming alive in his presence. “I think I’m going to die a spinster.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  She gave a shaky smile, wishing she could laugh. “It’s true. The men out there are terrible. I think I made a mistake and somehow waited too long for Mr. Right.”

  “You have to have faith.”

  She snorted. “That’s easy for you to say. You’ve probably had enough company to start a polygamist compound.” It was a joke, but neither of them laughed. Quietly, she admitted, “You have no idea how lonely it can get.”

  “I know,” he said softly, “more than you realize. The last time I kissed a woman I realized I was just filling time, trying to forget the things I was too afraid to face. None of it mattered, not what she looked like or how she smelled or what she could do. What I was looking for wasn’t there. You weren’t there. I haven’t been the same since that night.”

  She gasped and stared at him. She didn’t want to talk about that night, but she needed to grasp what he was saying. “Are you telling the truth?”

  He held up his hand. “Scout’s honor.”

  “That’s not the sign of a Scout’s honor. That means shockabra. Surfers use it.”

  He shrugged. “You’re gonna have to trust me on it.”

  Her palms pressed into the table and she whispered, “I don’t know if I want to wait anymore.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  She shook her head. “What if I’m holding onto something nobody wants? I’ve turned it into this colossal thing that’s suddenly unachievable.”

  “I want it,” he said in a low voice and she stilled. She wanted him to have it, but...

  “Kelly—”

  He held up his palms. “I’m not asking for it, but I want you to understand it isn’t worthless.” His head shook again. “All this waiting and holding out, Ashlynn, it serves a purpose. This is the longest I’ve been celibate since I gave up my virginity a long time ago. I’m starting to see things a little clearer. I no longer find the hunt as exciting. Every woman that approaches me has me drawing comparisons to you and each one comes up short.”

  Her heart raced. His words brought her more to life than she’d been in weeks. The dead feeling she’d been burdened with for so long faded. She was sick and tired of fighting so hard to do the right thing when all it did was make her miserable.

  Slowly, she stood and rounded the table. Kelly followed her every move and she almost laughed at the slightly terrified expression on his face.

  “Ash—”

  She straddled his knees much like she’d done in her kitchen that day so long ago. “Shh…” Her arms wreathed around his shoulders. Seduction definitely wasn’t a strong suit of hers. “Just…let me.”

  His firm grip moved to her hips and pulled her close. Her gaze fastened on that mouth that she loved so much. Perfect, kissable, wicked lips. Lowering her head she teased his mouth with hers.

  His hands tightened over her sides and he drew in a deep breath, sealing his lips to hers. Her pulse jumped and she tightened her arms, dragging her fingers through the back of his hair. Kelly cursed, the word lost on her tongue as he deepened the kiss.

  His hands dragged up her back and chills skated under her clothing. Her thighs tightened over his knees. She wanted to crawl inside of him, so deep he could never push her away again.

  As his mouth made love to
hers her body thrummed with excitement. Her panties became wet—a reaction she only ever had around him—and she moaned into his mouth. He ripped his lips from hers and the world spun as she was abruptly deposited on her back. She blinked into Kelly’s dark blue eyes as he suspended his weight above her on the floor.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful, Ash. Am I dreamin’ or is this real?”

  Her cheeks heated as she smiled up at him. “It’s real.”

  His shoulders lifted with every deep breath. “What does this mean?”

  “I don’t know. I…trust you.”

  His expression sobered as though he were just charged with great responsibility. He nodded and then his mouth was back on hers, devouring her, causing her spine to arch and her legs to wrap around his strong hips. His body was so powerful. Every brush of his clothing ratcheted up her arousal to a place she never knew.

  No longer worried about what he might think of her, she dragged her hands through his hair wantonly, tipping her head back as he kissed his way down her throat. “Kelly…”

  “Tell me,” he rasped, running his lips over her pulse just beneath her ear.

  “I need… I don’t know.”

  “I got you, love.” His hips rocked into hers and a delicious friction built.

  There was a clink of metal and she glanced down as Kelly fiddled with the snap of her overalls. Trepidation had her lungs working overtime as the clip came undone. Kelly watched her and stilled. Placing the buckle on the floor behind her shoulder, he stared into her eyes.

  Dragging the back of his knuckle down her cheek, he whispered, “Do you trust me?”

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  He unlatched the other buckle and pulled down the front flap of her overalls. Her breasts swelled beneath her tank top with every jagged breath. Kelly’s intense gaze returned to hers. “You’re so perfect.”

  She shook her head. “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes. You are.” He kissed her and the weight of his body over hers was the most comfortable blanket she’d ever had.

  His mouth traveled low on her throat, all the way to the collar of her tank top. Dewy perspiration formed under her clothes. Soft fingers trailed up her arms, across her shoulder, and down the center of her chest right where the seam of her ribs covered her pounding heart.

  He watched as his touch traveled to the swell of her breasts. “Your clothes stay on, Ash. I insist.”

  She nodded, unsure what he had planned, but wanting him to continue more than she wanted her next breath. His palm lowered and heat seeped through the cotton of her shirt and bra. Her back bowed and she pressed into his touch as his fingers curved around her rising chest.

  Her nipples hardened into tight nubs and his finger dragged over the tip. “Kelly.”

  “So sexy, Ashlynn. Sexier than any woman has a right to be.”

  His head lowered and his mouth closed over the sharp tip pressing against the fabric. Damp heat collected as his lips tightened and pulled. “Oh, God…”

  “You can call me Kelly.”

  She laughed and he shifted to the other breast, cutting off all humorous responses. The sensations he was provoking were too much to contain. Moans continued to slip past her lips and his hand was suddenly slipping beneath the denim of her pants.

  She panicked. Her panties were soaked and he’d feel that. “Kelly, wait.”

  He stilled. “Do you want me to stop?”

  Words, Ashlynn. Form words! “No… it’s just…” She swallowed. “I’m…”

  “Wet?”

  Oh God. She couldn’t imagine what her face looked like, but she felt it crumple. “I’m sorry. I don’t—”

  “Hey. It’s natural. Do you still trust me?”

  She nodded and his palm closed over her panties, pressing into her sex. She was hot and sticky and needed more. Kelly groaned the minute he made contact and dropped his head to her shoulder. “Damn. You’re so warm here. I can smell your arousal and all I want to do is drink it up.”

  His lips pressed to her throat and then his hand was moving—rubbing, tormenting, stimulating sensations she had no reference for before him. Her knees twitched.

  “Spread your legs for me.”

  Opening her knees, he did something, touched something, and she jerked at the intense pleasure. His mouth kicked up and his dimple winked at her. “I’m going to make you come.”

  Yeah. That sounded nice.

  His fingers stroked through the saturated fabric of her panties and his mouth crashed to hers. Sensations spiked through her. She moaned into his mouth as his other hand cupped her breast and teased her nipple. Then desire, deep and too long denied, shattered inside of her.

  Her mouth ripped away from his as her spine arched. His fingers rubbed and teased and the sensations kept coming as she called out his name over and over again.

  Muscles tightened as need splintered through her bones. One thousand tiny spasms took hold of her reflexes as her body jerked under his hold. Warmth coated her folds and her body shook with tremors and locked from her toes to her jaw.

  Uncaring of what was happening to her, she grabbed his face, and kissed him hard. She was wild and out of control. His body rocked over hers and he grunted and whispered her name.

  Could he possibly be feeling what she was feeling? Suddenly the muscles in his back went rigid and his shoulders trembled as a shiver took hold of him. His face, suspended above hers was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. His lashes lowered as his mouth parted, jaw slack, and her name passed like a prayer on his lips. “Oh, sweet Ashlynn…”

  The moment was perhaps the most intense, erotically charged experience of her life. Emotion kept her trembling, unsure what was to come next, afraid of letting him go again. It was as though her soul was fighting to break through her skin and grab hold of him tight.

  When his lashes lifted he stared at her in a way he never had before. They simply stayed there, looking into one another’s eyes. He appeared as shocked as she was at what had just happened. Did she do it wrong?

  “You’re incredible,” he rasped.

  She couldn’t talk. She could barely breathe. His lips pressed to hers in a chaste kiss. His fingers shook as they coasted over her lips, cheeks, and jaw. Never once did he take his eyes off of her. Fear of goodbyes kept her silent. Don’t leave me again.

  He was everything she wanted and the cruel reality was simply a torture she could no longer bear. Her hands petted over his shoulders as tears clouded her vision. Don’t go. Don’t leave me again. I want you. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, just…stay.

  After several minutes of unspoken fears, he dragged his mouth over hers and kissed her slowly. Worry became a cramp in her heart tempting hysteria. His voice was soft when he pulled away. “I have to run to the little boy’s room. Promise you won’t leave.”

  She nodded and he slowly stood, reaching down a hand to help her off the floor. Her legs could barely hold her weight. He’d said don’t leave. That had to mean something. Carefully, he adjusted her suspenders so her clothes wouldn’t fall off. When she glanced up he was watching her, a peculiar smile on his face. Was he blushing?

  He caught her wrist and pulled her roughly to his chest, his mouth closing over hers in a kiss that left her even dizzier than before. “I’ll be right out.”

  He disappeared through the back of the bar and she stumbled to her chair. Her unsteady fingers closed over her glass, slipping on the condensation as she brought it to her lips. Pushing the straw aside, she guzzled the diet cola.

  Kelly appeared a few moments later and returned to his seat. “You okay?”

  She nodded.

  “What happens now?” She couldn’t look at him. Rejection hurt enough when it was heard. Seeing it in his eyes would shred her to pieces. Perhaps that’s why she came here, to prove nothing had changed. It was the same lesson she’d relearned at every encounter they shared. Needing the pain to put her back in line so she could walk away one more time. Perhaps make it another
few weeks before finding him again, each time pushing further and further away until she finally got over him. But something told her she’d never be fully over him.

  His voice was small. “You could marry me.”

  She laughed at the same time as him, probably to hide the pain of the hopelessness, but when she met his gaze the laughter died and his smile faded.

  “You could, you know. You could be my wife.”

  “Kelly, stop it. That isn’t a joking matter.” How she managed to talk so casually about something that would so cruelly rip her heart to shreds once the joke was over was beyond her.

  “Who says I’m joking?”

  That was Kelly. Perhaps she could play his game for the moment to ignore the pain, act like life wasn’t serious and get through the hurtful parts. This was how he coped. He laughed it off and maybe that was the trick to happiness.

  She pursed her lips and tilted her head, telling him to knock it off. He still wasn’t laughing. The blurred line of humor and sincerity clouded and they needed a reality check. Serious matters shouldn’t be joked about. “Kelly, I believe in divorce about as much as I believe in premarital sex.”

  His lashes lowered, his expression wounded. Turning away, he softly said, “I’d be a good husband. I’m not moody. I make a good living. I don’t drink as much as I used to. I’d take care of you, Ashlynn.”

  Her forced smile fell. He was starting to worry her. “Kelly, this isn’t funny.”

  “I’m not making a joke, love. You see, once I stopped sleeping around, I realized how empty my life was. The women are there, waiting if I want them, but I don’t want them anymore. I only want one woman and she’s saving herself for a man that may or may not exist. I think I could be that man, the one who loves her a little more each day for the rest of her life and cares for her beyond all else.”

  Her heart pinched, introducing a new level of agony, longing, and so many other pains her little body couldn’t contain. She blinked and a tear fell from her eye. “Kelly, you barely know me.”

  “I know that losing your mom broke a part of your heart no one will ever have. I know you love your dad and talk to your plants. I know you start work before dawn and don’t stop until you’re weary to the bone.