Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  “Why do you think they’re here now?”

  He shrugged. “Who knows? But the coms will be flying with speculation soon.”

  “The more I learn about this place, the more fucked up it seems. Why did Caroline feed me all that shit about how great it is here instead of letting me know the good and the bad?”

  “You know the answer to that question already. Who do you trust? You could be a plant for all she knows.” Xander was still mumbling.

  Jaci nodded her head, her mind was, no doubt, working on all of the information she’d received today. She leaned against Xander as he caressed soft strokes up and down her back. From time to time, he looked at her profile. Her expression had turned serious. She was a million miles away while they sat silent.

  “Ready to go back?” she finally asked.

  “Whenever you are.” He stood and offered a hand to pull her to her feet. “I wanted to show you one more place on the way back if you’re not too tired.”

  “I’m fine.” She looked up at him and then down at their hands as he took hers in his. He was contented by her automatic acceptance of their connection. It was becoming second nature for her.

  “I can’t believe I didn’t think of bringing you here this morning,” he said as they approached the front of a building tagged with a sign Holistic Wellness Center.

  “The pills you took too many of when you came back from the sterilization Center.” He flashed her a stern look. “Are the only pharmaceutical medications you’ll see in Amber, but you can take care of practically everything else here.”

  “There are hundreds of herbal remedies you can get here for everything from a rash to insomnia. There’s a huge garden behind the building where they grow what they need. They also have other services like hypnotherapy, acupuncture and chiropractics. There are a lot of self-help classes here too. It’s actually where I learned how to help you to that zone like I did yesterday.” He looked down at her when he spoke the last sentence so that he could assess where she stood emotionally, but she didn’t meet his gaze. “They have other classes too, like yoga and meditation.”

  They investigated the inside of the building together, peeking in on some classes in progress. Jaci grabbed a card from the reception desk on the way out. They strolled the path back to building seventeen at a lazy pace. Jaci was still quiet, pensive on their walk back. It was obvious that her brain chewed on all the information she stored throughout the day. When they arrived at their building, Xander left her to go to their apartment by herself. “You go. I’ll be up in a minute,” he said as she stepped into the elevator.

  “Do you want me to wait?”

  “No, I have one quick errand. You go on.”

  As soon as the elevator door closed, Xander sent a group com to the team about Asher, and then he sent a com to Rock letting him know Jaci was covered until she started work with Jordan the following morning.

  * * * *

  Jaci met Jordan in the courtyard outside the back door of building seventeen. It was a beautiful morning, sunny and cool. Within an hour or two, the sun would eat up the dewy coolness and replace it with the unforgiving heat that was summer in New Atlanta.

  Jordan was dressed in a white, paint splattered jump suit and carried two travel mugs. She handed one to Jaci as they started walking through the courtyard.

  “How was your day with Xander yesterday?”

  “Okay.”

  They walked in silence for a few minutes, sipping their tea and saying “good morning” to the people they passed.

  “I got asked out to the mix.”

  “By Xander?”

  “No, one of Hannah’s friends, Asher. Do you know him?”

  “Mmm, Asher. Nice,” Jordan said with a grin. “He’s sexy as hell. Not a relationship prospect though. You’ll have fun.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why do I feel like you’re only half here?”

  “I don’t know.” Jaci sighed. “I…” She shook her head. I’m feeling kind of lost.”

  “Lost how?”

  “Lost like I’m out of my element. Like I’m not going to be able to fit in or adjust to the way things are here.” Lost like she didn’t want to spend the day apart from Xander. Jaci swallowed the enormous lump in her throat. “I’m getting kind of attached to Xander.”

  “That’s good.” She turned toward Jaci. “Isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  When they reached the Circle City Public Services office, there was a bustle of people. Landscapers were grabbing their tools and loading them in specifically equipped carts. Men dressed in matching coveralls were walking to the waste removal carts that featured a flat area in the back for filled garbage bags.

  Jordan led Jaci into a small office. She met her supervisor, Chet, who handed her a set of coveralls like Jordan’s. While Jaci put them on, he handed Jordan their assignment for the day.

  “Building twenty-eight,” Jordan said as they got into their loaded cart and made their way to the west quadrant. “I’ve heard twenty-eight is practically empty now. There’s less Ambers than there used to be.”

  When they arrived, they parked next to a special maintenance entrance on the side of the building. Jordan scanned her hand to unlock the door and they unloaded their paint supplies.

  Jaci could tell as soon as they walked into the building that twenty-eight was, in fact, practically deserted. There were doors open here and there but the overwhelming silence and absence of people gave the place an eerie vibe.

  When they reached the apartment, the door was unlocked. The space was clean and empty, except for the standard-issue furniture that seemed to be in every apartment in the Circle City buildings.

  They painted in silence for an hour or so while Jaci’s mind wandered back to the time she spent with Xander the day before. When she thought of him, her stomach twirled with frantic excitement until her brain remembered the feeling was unwarranted.

  She needed to stop it, to just fucking stop thinking about him.

  Jaci was starting to hate the person she was becoming. She was falling in love with the hulking deadly serious man she shared her bed with, and every morning she got out of that bed and donned her ever-growing burden of please-love-me-back. It was pitiful.

  Even after he’d tried to set her straight, she still hoped. It scared her. It scared her more than all the unknowns she’d encountered so far in Amber.

  To fall in love with somebody who didn’t feel the same way could be the tipping point for her. She recognized how emotionally unstable she’d been, that she balanced precariously on the line between a bearable state of being and an unbearable one.

  What a damn mess she was making of her life.

  Jaci forced herself to switch gears. She thought about Asher. Would his touch have the same effect on her? Maybe she clung to Xander because he was the only one around to cling to. She shook her head. Jesus, she was back to Xander again. This was beginning to turn into an obsession and it mixed her up inside. She felt like a puzzle with the outside frame completed. All the pieces in the middle, the ones that created the intricate pattern of who she was, were mixed up or missing. Xander fit in that puzzle somewhere. She was sure of it. But maybe she was attempting to fit him into a place he didn’t belong. She wondered if she was so pathetic that she would fall for any man who showed her any attention at all right now. If she slept in Asher’s bed, surrounded by his hard, warm body, would she fall in love with him instead?

  Interesting question.

  She was going to go on that date with an open mind, leaving any thoughts of Xander behind and whatever happened, happened.

  She owed it to herself to make an honest attempt at finding out if she liked Asher. And, if she discovered anything about herself in the process, it would be a bonus.

  Chapter 9

  Xander sat at the small two-person table watching Jaci get ready for the mix. Earlier, Hannah arrived brimming with excitement because Jaci had connected with her friend, Asher. He
listened to Hannah chatter about a lipstick recipe she’d gotten from one of her friends while Jaci brushed her hair until it looked like shimmering threads of brown silk.

  He studied her as she put her brush down and picked up a small jar of lipstick. She leaned in toward the mirror as she put some on with her finger. The back of her dress became dangerously short, flirting with her rear end the further she leaned in.

  He was off duty tonight. Rock was going to be doing surveillance until Jaci got home from the mix, then Xander would cover her until morning. The problem was, Xander wanted more than anything to be on duty for the surveillance tonight.

  He trusted Rock to protect Jaci. But not being there, not knowing where she was or if she was safe, provoked anxiety. It felt like his heart was preparing to walk around outside his body.

  Brady started investigating Asher as soon as he got the com reporting the man’s contact. He’d already found a connection between Asher and Stacey Adams, the first victim. They worked close to each other, he at the Bistro, and she next door at the media lending library. Plus, Asher walked Hannah to all four sit-ins, Jaci’s included. Jordan confirmed this fact in casual conversation with Caroline earlier that day.

  This guy was a good suspect and Xander’s blood pressure spiked just thinking about Jaci being with him.

  The women cleared out of the bathroom. “See you later and have fun,” Hannah said, hugging Jaci and grinning from ear to ear. It was obvious Hannah was delighted at the turn of events. He glanced back to Jaci. She didn’t look delighted. She looked nervous.

  “Do you think this is too much?” Jaci asked, looking down at herself.

  Xander looked her up and down, studying every detail, every feature, curve and expanse of skin. Her face was made up to perfection, making her eyes look bigger and the pout of her lips more inviting. She wore a little black dress that covered one shoulder and left the other bare. A surge of jealousy jolted him as he looked to where the hem of her dress ended at midthigh. Her long legs were punctuated by high heels with her painted pink toenails peeping through the ends.

  Possessiveness swelled within him, pounding on his chest to get out. His dick stiffened, and his jaw clenched tight. “You look great,” he forced out.

  Jaci picked up her com from her night table and inserted it in her ear. “Play.” She paused, and then said, “Reply.” She paused. “See you there.”

  Xander looked at her waiting, to see if she would share. She didn’t.

  “So, when do you think you’ll get to the mix?” she asked him.

  “Not sure,” he said in the most disinterested tone he could muster.

  “Well–” She looked at him as if she was waiting for him to stop her. He almost did. “I’m meeting Asher before it starts, so I better be going.” Jaci looked through her bag, not meeting his eyes. Was she stalling?

  “Where are you meeting?”

  “In the courtyard. I don’t know where we’re going from there.”

  “I’ll look for you when I get to the mix,” Xander said, walking over to her. “Have a great time.” He opened his arms to her and she stepped into them without hesitation this time. He smiled at that. Things were better between them. He squeezed her tightly, not wanting to let her go. He was forced to when she pulled away from him.

  “I will.”

  Jaci left through the already open door, with Xander’s gaze following her the whole way. The apartment was suddenly still and the jealousy and possessiveness he’d been feeling moments before disintegrated into something even more perilous. His mutinous body no longer followed his brain’s dictates. It lusted for her. His cock was rigid, ready to claim what was his.

  He steeled himself before he shot a com to Rock notifying him of her change in immediate destination. Rock replied acknowledging receipt of the message. Rock would be in touch with Brady who tracked her from the position chip in her com.

  Xander tried to relax. Rock and Brady had it covered. He trusted them.

  He stood and adjusted the still stiff cock in his pants, and then pulled some clean clothes from his dresser and headed to the shower. He was preoccupied, barely aware of what his body did, because his mind was on overload. It was as if once he acknowledged the feelings he had lurking beneath the surface, an onslaught of them rushed at him.

  When he learned he was getting a new roommate, it never occurred to him that he’d struggle to maintain an appropriate emotional distance from her. It didn’t even cross his mind. His previous roommate, Diana, was like a sister to him. There was love, yes, but not sexual in nature. He’d been blindsided by these feelings for this new woman in his life and now he was in trouble.

  His attraction to Jaci had flourished and was now barely in control. She was beautiful, but it was the part of her no one saw that lured Xander’s heart. She retained a gentle strength of spirit and an innocence he’d never seen in a grown woman before. He wanted to show her everything, then step back and watch the expression on her face as she discovered it.

  Xander stepped into the shower.

  Was he falling in love with her?

  Yes, fucking yes. Dammit!

  How could he let her go with that fucking Asher guy? He was a sleeze, pouring through woman faster than water through a sieve, no emotional investments, no serious relationships.

  Just like him.

  No, he was different. He lived his life this way for a damn good reason. Not because he was shallow and uncaring.

  He shook his head. He had let her go and did it with a smile on his face. He punched the hard shower tiles with side of his fist. What was he thinking? An emptiness settled into a suddenly hollow chasm within him. It felt like her absence physically altered his body and his mind.

  Xander lathered his hands with soap and started washing. As he bent over to wash his feet, he remembered the sight of finding Jaci there, right where he now stood, curled up in a ball, naked. The scene would never leave his mind as long as he lived. He didn’t love her then, but he suspected that was the moment when his feelings for her took root. He hadn’t taken much notice of her nakedness at the time, but his mind had no problem thinking about it now. He saw the knobs of each vertebra in her spine when she’d been curled into herself. He’d glimpsed the small rounds of her ass as she cowered underneath the shower spray. He had seen her perfect breasts with those perky, hard nipples, and the merest glimpse of her pussy when he’d helped her up.

  Xander lathered his balls and palmed his stone hard erection. How he wanted her there with him right now. He wanted to lather her body. To brush his fingers between her legs and find her wet for him. He braced his left hand on the tiled wall of the shower in front of him and stroked his cock with his right.

  In his mind’s eye, she was there with him, her soapy body rubbing against his, her hands roaming, slippery over his skin. She knelt in front of him and opened her mouth. Pink lips caressed the crest of his cock. Her tongue and teeth grated gingerly against the sensitive skin. She took him into her mouth. All of him. Her hands cupped his balls firmly as she worked him, sucking him hard.

  Xander’s muscles locked as an almost painful sounding cry flew out of him. His orgasm was intense. Exquisite. His fantasy of being surrounded by her mouth, of being skin to skin with Jaci was overwhelming.

  She was a need now. He had to have her.

  His insides lurched. His heart was doomed to be quietly breaking, longing for someone he could never openly love. This was a whole new kind of hell. It was custom made for him, testing his resolve to do the right thing. As usual, the correct road was the one that was an immense challenge and miserably hard to travel.

  Xander never thought he would feel this way. In fact, he’d counted on not ever feeling this way. But Jaci slipped unnoticed under his skin. Her presence ambushed his resolve and annihilated the safe, uneventful world he’d built for himself.

  He stepped out of the shower and dressed.

  Now what?

  He was at a loss. Every approach, every idea was to
ssed away as not possible because it ultimately ended with him being a helpless burden to the one he loved.

  Loved. Shit.

  Xander put his com in his ear. He had a com waiting. “Play.”

  “Hey it’s Rock. He took her for a walk through the gardens. He isn’t wasting any time he’s got his hands and lips all over her. I knew you’d want an update. Later.”

  “Erase.” Xander paused “Call Rock.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Where are you?”

  “Sitting outside CoCo’s”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Xander met Rock at a solar cart parking area that allowed a great view into the corner bar’s front patio.

  “Can’t stay away?” Rock asked with a raised eyebrow.

  Xander didn’t answer.

  “Heard about your session with her. According to Brady, Jordan almost had an aneurism.”

  “Tell Jordan to butt out. Jaci is my female. It’s my job to take care of her. She’s my responsibility, case or no case. I gave her what she needed.”

  “Maybe waiting until the case is solved…”

  Xander didn’t answer. Didn’t need to. They’d been partners a long time, long enough to know that Xander was giving him a silent “fuck off.”

  He glared in the direction of Coco’s and found the two of them. They sat close together at a small two-person table. He grabbed the binoculars out of Rock’s hands and lifted them to his eyes. The late day sun reflected the highlights in Jaci’s hair giving her a radiant aura. Like an angel. Asher was smooth and handsome. His hands were always on her and his gaze focused on her like she was the only person who existed. He must have a great repertoire of date material because he maintained her full attention. Xander understood how a woman could fall for Asher’s well-honed seduction skills. It looked like he definitely knew what he was doing.