Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  She looked happy. She was having a good time.

  Xander wasn’t. His teeth ground together. His shoulders tightened.

  “You think he’s the guy?” Xander asked Rock.

  “It wouldn’t surprise me. But…I don’t think so. He’s been too public with his contact with her. They walked the park, went to the bar.”

  “He told Hannah about his date too. Plus, what’s the motive? None of the girls were sexually assaulted.”

  Long, long pause while he continued to glare through the binoculars.

  “Com me when they’re headed back so I can supplement your surveillance as soon as she arrives at the mix,” Xander finally said as he handed the binoculars back to Rock. He didn’t wait for an answer from his partner. He stalked back toward his apartment, trying to blow off some steam. He needed to at least appear social when he got to the mix.

  But, by the time Xander arrived back to building seventeen, he was miserable. He didn’t want to go to the mix. He didn’t want to see Jaci having a good time with Asher. He lumbered through the courtyard, up to the apartment and then shut himself in.

  “That’s it, no more of this tonight,” he mumbled to himself. He jerked open the refrigerator, pulling a beer from the stash he’d been saving and sat at the undersized table for two. He declared himself officially off-duty. He wasn’t going to let this case consume him. He tapped the com in his ear.

  “Call Gwen.” He paused until he heard her voice.

  “Xander. What’s up?”

  “You busy?”

  “No.”

  “Come over?”

  “Sure, what time?”

  “I’ll be here all night.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  He hesitated. “Yeah.”

  “Kay, be there in about an hour.”

  She disconnected.

  Xander took a deep breath and forced his mind to think about other things.

  He was on his third beer and sitting in the dim twilight of the apartment when he heard Gwen’s knock at the door.

  “It’s open,” he yelled.

  “Jesus, Xander, what the hell is going on?” Gwen asked as she came in and closed the door behind her. “You’re sitting in the dark for God’s sake.”

  “You want a beer? I’ve been saving it for a special occasion,” he grumbled.

  “Looks like I’m going to need one,” she said, eyeing him. “Only a woman could make a man look as dire as you do right now. Who is she?”

  Xander didn‘t answer in hopes the question would be forgotten. But Gwen wasn‘t going to be distracted. “Jaci.”

  His silence told her more than if he were speaking. “Ohhh, and…she doesn’t feel the same way about you?”

  “She did. But now I have no idea.”

  “Why not? You’ve never had any problems talking the language of love with other women.” She snickered. Then her look became serious again when she saw humor wasn’t going to cut it with him tonight. “Is it because she’s a fallow? Oh, Xander, please don’t tell me you’re holding back about your feelings because she’s a fallow.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Then what?”

  “She’s involved in a case I’m working on.”

  “And?”

  “I haven’t told her. I haven’t told her that she’s my roommate because I’m part of the task force assigned to her. She doesn’t know her com and apartment are bugged. She doesn’t know her work assignment was arranged to be with another undercover. Since she’s arrived, pretty much everyone she’s met and everything she’s done has been set up or monitored by the CCPD.

  He braced his head in his hands. “I let her go on a date tonight,” he said, the low rumble of his voice amplifying with each new word. “I didn’t say anything. I can’t tell her my feelings, and I didn’t warn her she might be in danger. It’s tearing me up, Gwen.”

  “Well, tell her! Tell her everything. Now, before it goes any farther.”

  Xander slumped at the table across from his sister, pressing the heels of his hands pressed on his eyes. “I can’t.”

  “You can’t tell her she’s a work assignment? You can’t tell her you have feelings for her? Which is it? Or is it both?”

  “Both right now. I can’t be romantically involved with an assignment. As it is, I’ve already crossed that line a little bit.”

  “What do you mean a little bit?” She raised her eyebrows.

  Xander shook his head and looked straight into Gwen’s eye. “I have already done some things that could be interpreted as sexual.

  “Plus…Gwen, I never planned on falling in love. Ever. You know that.”

  Gwen looked at Xander with an expression of dawning understanding. He saw the stream of thoughts rushing through her brain. Now she knew precisely what held him back.

  “You can’t let that stop you from love.”

  “I can, and will.”

  “Well then, you’re fucked. I have no advice for you, little brother.”

  * * * *

  Asher was too charming, too confident. His compliments combined with his amusing stories were told as if by rote. Everything seemed like a well-crafted formula to achieve his end game. He was like saccharine, sweet, fake and left a bad taste in her mouth. After having a couple drinks with him and then heading back toward her building for the mix, Jaci’s negative feelings concerning Asher only intensified.

  She longed for different company and searched for Xander when they arrived at the mix. The room was huge and dim. A small stage held the seated form of a man playing acoustic guitar and singing. Small handfuls of people stood around the bar, talking and laughing. The scattered love seats held groups of two or three lounging, kissing and fondling each other. After her gaze made several passes around the room, she realized Xander wasn’t there. Her disappointment was tangible. It weighed solid and heavy inside her. He’d said he would protect her, take care of her, and she hoped for his help with Asher.

  Since the date began, Jaci’s internal red flags triggered regularly. Asher was constantly in her personal space. She didn’t like it at all. And even though she kept an open mind, acknowledging that his behavior was typically Amber, she couldn’t shake the feeling that being with him didn’t feel right.

  She felt cornered by his continually errant hands, but she remained polite and smiled in response to his attempts at flattery and seduction. But bottom line, Asher was like a silk flower, pretty to look at but not authentic in any other way.

  She didn’t want to keep up the charade with him any longer.

  “Let’s sit over there.” Jaci pointed to a love seat in the corner of the room away from the crowds of people. As they walked toward the darkened corner, she knew by Asher’s grin that he got the wrong idea about her desire to sit with him away from everybody else.

  “Listen, Asher,” she said as they sat, “I’m flattered that you asked me out but I’m not feeling anything between us. I’m sorry.” Jaci tried to be gentle and kind.

  His expression fell for a split second, then he smiled at her. “You can’t fault me for trying. You’re a beautiful woman, Jaci.” He cupped his hand on her cheek. “It’s definitely my loss.” He exhaled a long breath of air. “Would you like me to walk you upstairs?”

  “No, I’m going to hang out for a while.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t feel comfortable leaving you here by yourself.”

  “Actually, having some time to myself would be nice, but maybe outside would be better.”

  “How about I walk you out.”

  Asher stood and took Jaci’s hand, pulling her up from the love seat. He kept her hand in his as they wove their way through the crowd and walked out of the building into the dark. Strolling in silence for a few minutes, they followed the courtyard path. In the slight breeze of the beautiful balmy evening, Jaci thought it ironic that it was actually the most comfortable she’d felt with Asher all night.

  “I guess I should be going. Do you want me to walk y
ou back?”

  “No, I’m okay.”

  He stopped, leaned over, and kissed her on the cheek. “Com me anytime,” he said with a sly smile.

  “Thanks, Asher.” Jaci hugged him and started walking away into the darkness of the green space. The night was warm and humid. She listened to the trickle of water from a fountain in between the slow click, click, click of her steps on the path. Faint moonlight penetrated through the trees, illuminating random patches ahead of her. Crickets chirped their slow, lazy, night music into her ears.

  She was alone. It felt weird and good at the same time. Now that she was recovered from her surgery and adjusting to the Amber Zone, being alone wasn’t as depressing as it had been those first few days.

  Jaci strolled and started to get lost in her thoughts when she heard yelling and scuffling behind her. She turned to look at what was going on but couldn’t see around the curve of the path. She turned and walked back toward the direction of the noises and found Rock’s imposing form on top of Asher. Her jaw dropped as she took in the scene that was unfolding. She moved near the two, and Rock caught sight of her.

  “What are you doing?” she yelled.

  Rock’s knee was in the center of Asher’s back while he retrieved cuffs from their holder at his waist. He cuffed Asher, then hit his com and called for backup.

  “Are you okay?” he asked breathlessly as he got up from the grassy area where he took Asher down.

  “I’m fine. What’s…”

  Jordan ran out the courtyard doors of building seventeen, gun in hand. She looked at Jaci. “Are you okay?”

  Jaci looked at Jordan, at Jordan’s gun, then to Rock.

  “I’m fine. Are–” She looked around again because she was having trouble understanding what was going on. “Are you guys watching me?”

  “I’ll meet you at HQ,” Rock said to Jordan, without looking at Jaci. He lifted Asher off the ground and walked him through the darkness of the courtyard.

  “Come on, I’ll explain everything on the way there,” Jordan said as she holstered her gun at the small of her back and covered it with her shirt.

  Jordan tried to turn Jaci in the direction Rock had gone with Asher.

  “You’re police?” Jaci asked as she resisted going in the direction Jordan tried to lead her.

  Jordan stopped to face Jaci. “Yes.”

  “Do you work with Xander? He’s in on this too?”

  Jordan hesitated for a moment. “Yes. We’ve been watching you, trying to protect you. We think someone is trying to hurt new fallows. Come on, we can talk about this at the station.”

  Jaci’s anger was like a storm gathering little by little. Once it came together and was at full force, it would be treacherous for anybody in its path. “Where’s Xander?”

  Jordan pressed her lips together and then looked down at her shoes.

  “It’s his night off.”

  She looked at Jordan with disbelief. Her mind worked hard to reform her reality to fit the facts she had only now learned. Feelings of betrayal simmered the blood in her veins. Then, as the extent of everyone’s deceit became clear, her blood boiled.

  “Am I under arrest?” Jaci asked. Her stubbornness took root.

  “No.”

  “Then, I’m not going anywhere with you.” She seethed as her heart beat furiously in her chest. She was beyond words as she turned and walked away from Jordan.

  “Jaci, come on,” Jordan said as she started following her toward the building’s entrance.

  Jaci whipped around. “Stop following me,” she gritted through her teeth as Jordan caught up to her. “I’m going to my apartment. Leave me alone.” Jaci’s tone escalated to a shout. She was on the verge of making a scene when Jordan finally retreated from her.

  Jaci turned and stepped into the building, and thankfully, Jordan let her have the head start up to the apartment. But, she was positive Jordan would follow to make sure she got there okay.

  When the elevator door opened on the fourth floor, the hallway was uncharacteristically empty. Jaci saw a woman standing outside their apartment door. It was the woman who held Xander’s hand that first night they had their door open. She was sensuous, mysterious looking with her bronze skin and cascade of straight hair that gracefully tickled the small of her back. She was locked in an embrace with Xander. A flash of jealousy joined the fury that already engulfed her as she watched from the elevator.

  The woman gently cupped both hands on Xander’s cheek and looked into his eyes. “Love you,” she said to him.

  “Love you too,” Xander answered. “Thanks for coming. Next time your place. I promise.”

  The elevator door began closing as the woman turned in Jaci’s direction. “Hold the door,” she called.

  Xander turned to look in the direction of the elevator and locked eyes with Jaci right before the door closed in front of her.

  She stood stunned and alone in the elevator as it made its way down to the lobby. She stared at her blurry reflection in the stainless steel door, and the strong urge to scream rose within her and bottlenecked in her throat. Her shoulders heaved with every drowning breath.

  Xander had a girlfriend. He was in love with somebody else.

  By the time the elevator opened on the main level again. Jaci’s ear bud signaled an incoming com from Xander. She pulled the bud out of her ear and threw it to the floor as she exited the elevator. She turned toward the front entrance of the building, toward the exit that led out of Circle City.

  Away from Xander.

  Chapter 10

  When the elevator door opened again, Xander and Gwen were standing face-to-face with Jordan.

  Jordan seemed surprised to see them standing there. Then with an increasing look of dread, she asked, “Where’s Jaci?”

  “She never got off the elevator,” Xander said. “She saw me hugging Gwen in the hallway and she never got off.”

  “Shit,” Jordan said. “We’ve got problems. She’s pissed as hell.”

  “What’s going on?” Xander demanded.

  “Rock took Asher down. Wait,” she said quickly, presumably to stop the deluge of words that were about to spew from his mouth and crash down all over her. “I don’t know why. He commed me for back up. Looks like Rock jumped the gun though and Jaci knows that we’re watching her. I tried to take her down to the station to get it all worked out, because I wasn’t sure what happened either. But once she found out what was going on, she wouldn’t come with me.

  “She was livid. I gave her some space to cool off. Dammit. She said she was going to the apartment. She must have come right back down again because I only gave her a minute head start.”

  “I tried to com,” Xander said. “She didn’t answer. Jordan, get a hold of Brady. He’ll locate her with the position finder. I’m going down, maybe she went into the courtyard or back to the mix.” Xander looked at Gwen. “Sorry.”

  She smiled at him. “Maybe this will turn out for the best. Don’t blow it when you get your chance to talk to her.”

  The three of them rode the elevator down together. Gwen said her goodbyes when the door opened, leaving Jordan and Xander to coordinate their next steps. They agreed to meet back in ten minutes after Jordan called Brady, and Xander checked the mix and the courtyard.

  He headed toward the mix, trying to com Jaci again. And again, he got no answer. He walked into the huge room that held the monthly party. It was packed. The dim lighting, noise and crowds of people made it almost impossible to find her. He scanned as he walked the perimeter of the room, twice. He didn’t see her. She wasn’t there. This operation had turned into a dismal mess in less than a minute, just the short time it took for an elevator to ride up to the fourth floor and down again.

  He hadn’t wanted Jaci to find out about everything this way. He’d planned on telling her in a way that would help her understand why they kept the whole operation under wraps. At least that way he would have had a chance of her understanding the reasoning.

  Lea
rning about the operation like this, in combination with overhearing Gwen and him at the door, definitely gave her the wrong idea. It looked like everything was a lie. God, he’d hurt her again. He’d hurt her so badly she felt she had no other choice than to bolt.

  He exited the rear doors of the building and jogged up the courtyard path in both directions.

  Nothing.

  Brady probably knew where she was by now.

  He met Jordan back at the spot where they had separated.

  “Did you get a hold of Brady?”

  “Yeah.” Jordan opened her hand and held it up for Xander to see. It was a com.

  “Jaci’s?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Fuck!” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly in an attempt to calm himself. He looked down at the floor and scrubbed the top of his head while he pieced a game plan together. “All right, let’s get the team to the station. I’ll call Captain Rush.”

  Xander went back up to the apartment to put Jaci’s com on her night table in hopes that she would take it with her if she came back.

  He sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments looking at it, trying to think about where she would go.

  Caroline.

  Xander dressed in his uniform for the first time in almost two weeks, holstered his police-issued revolver and stopped at Caroline’s apartment. The door was closed. He knocked. No answer. He put his ear on the door. No noise came from inside. Caroline was probably at a mix in a different building since he hadn’t spotted her at the one downstairs. He shot her a com asking her to hit him back if she knew where Jaci was.

  As he headed toward the station, he was deep inside his own head, lost in his thoughts, replaying what he and Gwen said and did as they were saying goodbye. It was obvious Jaci thought Gwen was his girlfriend based on what she saw from the elevator. She’d heard them say, “I love you” to each other.

  She probably thought he was hiding a girlfriend from her too. The thought of what he did with her the other morning crept into his conscious mind. Thoughts about that morning hadn’t been too far from his awareness since it happened. The realization that she would think of him as someone who took advantage of her and cheated on his girlfriend made him flinch. She was going to think she didn’t mean anything to him, to any of them.