Duly Noted

by H. M. Shander

  “Oh my god, Nate,” she whimpered as Lucas dropped beside her. She buried into him, curling herself into a tight ball. “It can’t happen, not again,” she said, tears trailing down her face. “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  Lucas’ hand ran down her back. He wasn’t saying anything which made her panic more.

  “No,” she repeated over and over, covering her ears as if that would help. In her mind, the sounds of the crash replayed, the staccato of the popping fibreglass bumpers, the crunching of the car’s metal cage banging into each other, the sound of her heart beat at once racing and then coming to a full stop in a millisecond. A feeling of doom washed over her and she couldn’t hold back anymore. Turning her head, she threw up into the corner.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “He’s getting out,” Lucas said, and she whipped her tear-stained face around to see for herself.

  Nate sat propped up on the window ledge for a breath before waving to the crowd. Slowly he turned his head in her direction and gave a thumbs up sign. Stepping out onto the track, he walked around the wreckage with a slight limp as he headed towards the pit.

  “He’s okay,” Lucas said full of relief. And in that moment, she hated him for pretending everything was okay when he himself had worried.

  As the tears rolled down her face like a flash flood, she saw he was right. Nate was walking away from the head-on collision – literally – with nothing more than a limp. No broken bones, no gashes, no serious injury.

  She jumped off the cage and ran across the pit to meet him, bulldozing him over when she reached him.

  “Hey,” he said, unhooking his helmet from the device on his shoulders as he pulled it off. “Hey, I’m okay.” He wiped away a trail of her tears with a swipe of his finger.

  “I was… so scared…” she said breathlessly.

  “I can see that.”

  Lucas appeared from behind and took the helmet from Nate. “Not a scratch on it.”

  “No. I saw Dean coming, and I threw my hands back.”

  “You saw him coming?” Her head felt woozy as her legs gave out. Thank god she was in his arms as he caught her on the way to meet the ground.

  “Yeah. But the car wouldn’t move. There was an issue with the–” He looked to her and back to Lucas who seemed eager for more details. “Talk to Mom. I was chatting with her on the radio.”

  “I figured. Oh, watch out for her, she’s puked already,” he said and walked away.

  Still terrified at what she witnessed, she shook and struggled to breathe.

  Nate turned to her. “I’m okay. Promise.”

  The tears had yet to stop flowing. Her heart beat wickedly fast, and her breathing put her in danger of hyperventilating. “I… I…”

  He escorted her to a chair. “Breathe.” His fingers searched her pockets and pulled out the pill container. “Which one?”

  Her hands shook she couldn’t pick up a pill, so he helped her. They sat in silence for a few minutes until her breathing was back under control.

  “I was chatting with mom and McGill, my spotter. I was communicating with them.”

  “Yeah, well, no one was communicating with me.” She wanted to be angry, but couldn’t find the energy.

  “But Lucas was with you.”

  “He wasn’t overly confident himself.”

  “Yeah, he tends to feed off of other’s emotions. Remind me to punch him later for that.” Nate kissed her quivering hand. “But I swear I’m okay. The crash was obviously more terrifying for you to watch than it was for me to be in. We’re protected and safe.” He removed his fire suit and examined his knee. “Ah, that’ll bruise,” he said to himself as he gave his left knee a rub. “I banged it pretty hard, but other than that–” He extended his arms out and spun. “All good.”

  She slumped into the seat, and pulled her legs up. “I can’t do it, Nate.”

  Throwing his suit over the toolbox, he raised an eyebrow. “Can’t do what?”

  “I can’t watch this anymore.” He pulled a chair as close to her as possible. “Last time I was here, you got clipped. This time you were in a head-on collision.” Her breath caught as she saw the impact play again in her mind. She rested her cheek on her knees and stared hard at him, watching his expression. “I can’t. I can’t watch you and wonder if you’re going to die when you’re out here having fun.” She air-quoted ‘having fun’ to get her point across. “It’s dangerous.”

  “I can assure you that,” he pointed to his incoming wrecked car, “is as bad as it gets. And look what happened. I. Walked. Away. Like I’m supposed to.” She said nothing. “We have a saying around here when it comes to our cars. Money for safety first and foremost, then money to make it faster and stronger. Safety is not something taken lightly in these parts.”

  “But it’s so dangerous.”

  “And that’s part of the appeal.” He rubbed her legs as if that would make it all better. But the truth was, she was beyond scared. What if he was seriously hurt? Or worse, what if she lost him? That thought alone scared the hell out of her.

  The tow truck parked in front of his spot as Brenda and Lucas appeared. “Out with some gremlins, in with new ones and then Dean plows into you,” Brenda said, laughing while surveying the damage. “But it could be worse.”

  Yeah, he could’ve died! She looked at Nate who continued to stare at her.

  “I need to attend to this, sorry, he should lower it right on the trailer.” A quick peck on the cheek before he ran over to the tow truck driver.

  Nodding, she looked away, unable to look at the car hanging in the air. Lost in her own thoughts, she wondered if her momma and sister had been harnessed, would they have survived with nothing more than a bruised knee? The thought caused another stream of tears. She missed them so much.

  A tissue appeared in front of her eyes. A gift from Brenda. “Hey, honey, how you doing?”

  “Not well.” Nothing in her body felt right. Her chest hurt, her stomach rolled and her brain resembled a war zone.

  “Bringing back a few repressed memories?”

  She sniffed and wiped her nose. “Something like that.” Brenda spoke so calm and collected, it was hard to make eye contact. “You’re right, though. This isn’t fixing me. Seeing this–” She pointed towards the car she refused to look at, “makes it worse. Reminds me of how I lost. And I don’t want that to happen again. Not to him.”

  Brenda sighed. “I know Chris has some wild ideas, and Nate’s willing to play along, but you need to do what’s best for you.”

  “So, you’re saying I should stop coming?” Deep down shame and anger settled in for a comfy little nap. A part of her enjoyed seeing Nate so deliciously happy, but another part – a bigger part – was scared shitless every time he slipped behind the wheel. She’d never be as relaxed as Brenda was.

  “That’s not at all what I’m saying, but if this is too much for you, right now, then maybe?” She shrugged, but never took her eyes off her. “I know Nate adores you, but it’s not good for him to worry about how you’ll react to everything. That whole screaming fit yesterday nearly caused him to drive into oncoming traffic. THAT was more dangerous than anything he’s done on the track. At least he’s protected out there.”

  A whispered voice said, “I make it hard for him.” Not a question, but a statement. And not loud enough for anyone to hear.

  “When he’s out here, in order to do his best, he needs full concentration. If you’re fainting, or freaking out over every little thing, it affects him and his ability to do well.” Brenda’s face was tight with concern for her child. “He has a lot riding on this. He may say it’s all fun and games, but the money he wins if he places first overall, will pay for university.”

  Completely understanding, Aurora nodded again and turned further into her chair, pulling her legs as close to her chest as she could manage.

  “That being said, Honey, I like you. And I think you’re good for Nate. But you’re just not ready for Nate’s lifes
tyle, and that’s where the problem lies.” She looked away. “’Scuse me, I need to talk to her.” Brenda stood and walked over to a lady carrying a clipboard.

  Sniffing again, she stole a glance around the pit. Once again she was alone, and she wanted to go home. Right fucking now. But Nate was with his car, as was Lucas, most likely. She texted Kaitlyn.

  Aurora: Can you pick me up?

  Kaitlyn: Aren’t you out at the track?

  Aurora: Yes. I’ll give you gas money. I can’t be here anymore.

  Kaitlyn: Did you have a fight?

  Aurora: It’s complicated. Please. You know I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t a big deal.

  Kaitlyn: Drop me a pin, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.

  Now she needed to think through the impossible ride home. Nate had the other Isa, but she knew where he put it. It was in the pocket of his jeans. However, getting to it was a problem. She only had an hour to retrieve it and meet Kaitlyn at the front gate. How was she going to get through the entire ride though? Kaitlyn drove under the speed limit, or at least that’s what she claimed. Forty-five minutes wasn’t enough time. Hell, based on the last experience, even thirty minutes wasn’t enough. What if she mixed the Isa with a couple Xanax? Could that work? Or would a perc or two be better? Or what about the Flexeril? It was a muscle relaxant. Perhaps a combo of Flexeril and a Xanax before the Isa? She had no idea, but one of those combos had to work. Fuck!

  Nate, Lucas and Brenda returned to his area and closed up the toolbox after she grabbed her purse. Once the track officials and safety crew declared the track free of debris and fluids, the final race of the night continued. She zoned out from time to time, and glazed over the people who came to talk to Nate, never missing the peculiar looks on the stranger’s faces when they glanced her way. I’m the girlfriend that can’t handle his lifestyle. I’m the one who screamed. And yep, I’m the one that puked on the platform. This is my worst fucking nightmare come to life and you can all fuck off for thinking I’m weak. You don’t know shit.

  Thirty minutes after calling Kaitlyn, the feature was nearly over, but she only knew because she looked up to the board. Twelve laps remained for the night. Fuck! She just wanted to sneak over to the trailer, get her overnight bag, and be gone already. Time was tight. She looked over at Nate, who had his phone pressed into his ear. He looked at her once, his face distressed.

  The last race ended, and the trophy presentation lasted forever. She stayed curled up in her chair, keeping her back to Nate. Still crying, but for different reasons now.

  Nate stood over her, his head looking anywhere but at her. “When everyone’s gone, we’ll talk okay? Chris is coming back with the sleeping pills and we’ll get you home.”

  “And then you’ll leave me, and I’ll wake up alone?”

  His eyes narrowed, and a frown formed. “No, not at all.” But he didn’t reach for her.

  An ache spread across her chest. “I need to go to the bathroom and then I’ll hang out in the office. I don’t want to be here when the fans come and ask about–”

  On her way to the shack, she popped a Xanax and a Flexeril.

  As the last car pulled into the pit, she darted across the south end of the track, grabbing her bag and the last pill from Nate’s jeans. Across the pit on the other side of the track, the gate guard lowered the stairs. In minutes, the fans would be able to enter the pit. That was her chance to escape, and she snuck around the far end of the pit to the stairs. A quick check towards the pit where the guests milled, asking for autographs and admiring the cars. She popped the Isa, stepped through the gate, and as she passed the grandstands Kaitlyn texted – I’m here.

  Focusing hard, she looked for Kaitlyn’s car, feeling light headed and off balance.

  Kaitlyn high-beamed her, and she staggered over. Taking a deep breath, she opened the car door and stared. She wasn’t ready yet, but felt she was close. Something was working. “Thanks for picking me up.”

  “What’s going on?”

  She leaned in and said quickly, “Ask me later. I took a Flexeril and a Xanax about twenty minutes ago, and an Isa two minutes ago. It’s all on my phone should you need the info. Drive as fast as you can and get me home.” She looked at her best friend. “I apologize now for anything that may happen on the ride.”

  Kaitlyn’s eyes bugged out.

  Typing rapidly while the tears streamed, she sent a text to Nate. Sorry, I had to go. Kaitlyn picked me up. This isn’t working. It’s too hard.

  She knew he wouldn’t get the text until later, he’d be too busy talking with his fans. Time to test out the combo, so she put one foot on the floorboard. Aside from some minor nervousness, it was bearable. “Time to go,” she said, falling in and the fringes of darkness wrapped around her.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  “Stop fucking calling her,” Kaitlyn’s voice yelled. Aurora heard her clear as day and Kaitlyn wasn’t even in the room. “I don’t know what happened, but she wanted to come home immediately… If she wants to explain it to you, she will.” Kaitlyn sounded somewhere between severely pissed off and borderline sympathetic. “Since I had nothing to compare it to, I don’t know… Not what I expected, that’s for fucking sure… That’s a bad idea, Nate. Really bad… Oh yeah, well I fucking dare you…” The apartment quieted.

  “Kait?” she yelled.

  A head popped into the bedroom. “Oh good, you’re awake.” She didn’t look as angry as she sounded as she walked over and turned on a lamp. “Your boyfriend won’t stop calling.”

  “Kind of figured that’d happen.” The clock on her bedside table flash two. “It’s two a.m., right?”

  “Yeah,” she said as she sat on the bed and smoothed out the bedspread. “Want to tell me what happened?”

  “Want to tell me what the ride home was like?”

  “No.” Kaitlyn avoided eye contact. “Is that how you are each time?”

  “You’re not giving me any info, how the hell am I supposed to know what I did?”

  Kaitlyn grimaced and rubbed her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. You’re home now, and everything’s worn off, right?”

  Running a mental checklist of symptoms over her body, she said, “My head aches a little, and my heart’s beating faster than normal, but–” She shrugged. “Tell me, Kait, what happened?” She cringed remembering what Nate told her of the trip there.

  “Your basic drug-induced psychosis. I’ve never heard such gibberish in all my life. It was like watching you have an out-of-body experience. Seriously, Aurora, whatever the hell combo you took, it fucked you up.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I debated driving you straight to the hospital. Had you started frothing at the mouth–” Kaitlyn fiddled with a loose thread on the bed. “Your boyfriend phoned twenty minutes after we left, and called every five minutes after that. I finally answered a few minutes ago because I’m exhausted and I want some fucking sleep.” Aurora opened the blanket, allowing Kaitlyn to slide under. “I left your phone and your bazillion messages out on the kitchen table.” Her eyes were closing as she said, “I’m glad you’re okay. You worried me.”

  “I love you, Kaitlyn. Thanks for taking care of me.” Thankful for her friendship, she waited until Kaitlyn filled the room with her gentle snores before slipping off the bed. In the living room, she huddled on the couch under a blanket, and flipped through the multiple messages. One after another, the messages were one of three – WTH happened? Where are you? Call me please.

  She couldn’t call him though, the thought of hearing his irresistible voice made her legs quiver, and she needed to resist him. His mom didn’t think she was good enough for him, and she was right – one-hundred percent correct. PTSD and racing were not a match made in heaven. More like a recipe for disaster. She was crazy to have ever thought it would work. There were too many barriers between them.

  Stretching out on the couch, she stared at one message in particular, and read it over and over until her eyes were as heavy as lead weight
s. A final ping before sleep washed over her.

  Please, Aurora. I love you.

  She texted her father later that morning, pretending they were leaving the track. In keeping up with the charade, fifty minutes later, she called him. “Hey, Daddy.”

  “Princess.” He sounded sleepy, although he should’ve been expecting her call. “You’re home, good.”

  “Safe and sound.”

  “How’d the weekend go?”

  “Oh good, it was lots of fun.” She rolled her eyes.

  “No strange reaction to the pills?”

  “No, I didn’t seem to come out of the haze any earlier than before and Nate didn’t say anything about this morning’s trip.” Which was true, but only because he wasn’t around and there was no morning trip. Her eyes roved from the patio to Kaitlyn, who leaned against the wall, her arms crossed tightly over her body.

  “It was so strange to hear that you had on Friday.” She said nothing, meeting Kaitlyn’s glare head on. “Anyways, I can tell it’s still in your system as you’re not paying attention.”

  “Sorry, Daddy.”

  “It’s okay, Princess. I’ll be down Tuesday and Wednesday for a few meetings, so I’ll see you Tuesday night?”

  “See you Tuesday.” She hung up and said to Kaitlyn, “What?”

  “You’re a filthy liar.”

  “There were no lies.” She nervously tightened her grip around the phone. “Just the absence of the complete story.”

  “You didn’t tell him you left Nate at the track and that I drove you home, did you?”

  She shook her head. “It’s too complicated and would only lead to more questions I’d rather not answer right now.”

  Kaitlyn crossed the room in a hurry and she yanked her legs out of the way before Kaitlyn dropped on them. “Want to tell me what happened between you and Nate?”

  “No.”

  “Why? Whatever it was, it was important enough for you to ask me to pick you up and ingest some sick combo of drugs to get you home.”