Duly Noted

by H. M. Shander

  A lump of self-pity lodged in her throat and she tugged her sleeves down. “I’m not good enough for him,” she said, tears building and blurring her vision as her heart ached.

  “He said that?” Kaitlyn sat up straight, her tone filled with anger.

  “No, but his mom did.”

  “What a bitch.”

  “But she’s right, Kait, because Nate’s lifestyle is not conducive to mine. He LOVES the thrill of being behind the wheel, where it terrifies me to the core.” She hung her head. “So Friday I came out of it early, right, and screamed myself into a blackout. Well, yesterday Nate was in a head-on crash – which I watched happen, by the way.”

  Kaitlyn’s face moulded from anger to horror to sadness. “That had to have been hell.”

  “Yeah it was. He walked away from it, like I mean he really walked away from it, just a bruised knee. But still. It freaked me out. And his mom said that was a distraction to him. I was distracting Nate because now he spends his time thinking of me instead of preparing for his races.”

  “So what? You’re his girlfriend. He can think about you if he wants.”

  “Yeah, maybe. But I’m not sure.”

  Kaitlyn turned to face her and pulled the blanket out of her hands. “Of what?”

  “We’re so different. How can I be a part of his life when it scares me so much?”

  She huffed. “I wish I had answers for you.”

  “Seeing him in that crash… it was my nightmare – the live version.”

  “Oh my. I’m truly sorry.”

  “And he didn’t get it. Said it was fine and the worst it would ever be. Yeah, he survived because of all the safety gear and shit. What if? What if Momma and Carmen had that type of protection, would they have lived?” Kaitlyn’s eyes saddened, and she shrugged, but never answered. “I’ll never know and the bastard who killed them gets to live his life.”

  “Well, not really. He’s in jail.”

  “Yeah, but he’s alive. He breathes. Eventually he’ll get out and have a life, but not Momma or Carmen.”

  “He killed three people in that crash, I hardly think he’ll ever be a free man.”

  “Well, we’ll find out soon enough. His court date got changed. He goes Wednesday.”

  “I thought your dad didn’t talk about it.”

  “He doesn’t. Matthew texted me.” She flipped to the message.

  Thomas Anderson’s court date was changed. He’ll see a judge and get his just rewards. Wednesday morning @ 10:15 a.m. I’m flying up to give my Victim Impact Statement. Are you coming, or is a lawyer reading yours?

  Kaitlyn leaned her head back. “Does your dad know?”

  She shrugged. “Not to me. But he said he’s here for meetings Tuesday and Wednesday. I’ll bring it up.”

  “You’d better.” Kaitlyn looked at her phone again. “What’s a Victim Impact Statement?”

  “Fuck if I know.”

  “Well, the scumbag thinks you have one.” Opening Safari, Kaitlyn typed and scrolled, her eyes getting bigger the longer she read. “You need to talk to your dad. He’s been keeping shit from you.”

  “What?”

  “Look.” She pointed to the article on the phone. “A Victim Impact Statement is a chance for you to voice what you lost in the accident and how it affected your life. It could make the difference on his sentencing.”

  “Why would he not tell me?” Aurora rubbed her face and pushed on her temples. “What am I going to do?”

  Kaitlyn pulled her close, her hands running up and down her spine. “I really wish I had answers for you. But I’m drawing a blank.”

  Normally a back rub would soothe her, but today it rubbed her the wrong way. “Stop, please.” She shook her head.

  “Why don’t you go take a shower, and I’ll make you something to eat and get you a tea or something. My mom says that’s supposed to help.”

  A long, hot shower and a warm cup of coffee did little to soothe her mind. However, the couple of Xanax did. At least it kept the swirling thoughts of Matthew, the impact statement, Brenda, and the mysterious Isas to a minimum. It did nothing though to quell her heartache over Nate, knowing it was in both of their best interests to let go. Then he wouldn’t need to worry about her reactions and she’d never worry that he could die in front of her eyes.

  Kaitlyn passed her the remote. “Movie?”

  She nodded and flipped through the TV channels, stumbling across one of her favourite movies. Hopped up on pills that relaxed her emotional state, but needing to expel the hurt and sorrow she felt, she hoped watching it would bring on the ugly cry.

  And it did. By the end of the movie, she wasn’t crying over Hazel’s loss, she was bawling over her own.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  A loud bang on the door woke Aurora. “What the hell?” Where’s Kaitlyn? She looked around the apartment and spotted the note on the table.

  Needed to run home for a bit. Call me when you wake up.

  Another bang came from the door, this one more insistent. The clock on her phone said it was a few minutes after noon.

  “Aurora, please, open the door and talk to me.”

  How did he get in?

  Nate’s voiced thundered through the door. “I’m not leaving until you open the door. I have nowhere I need to be and can stay all day long if necessary.”

  Tenderly, she touched her eyes, wondering if they looked as bad as they felt. And they felt puffy and sore. Dragging herself over to the door, she pulled it open. “There, I opened it, now please leave.” There was no fight left in her, the heartache destroyed everything.

  “Please, Aurora. Talk to me.” His face twisted as he spoke. “You’re not answering your phone, you’re not returning my texts–” His voice cracked.

  “Please, go away.” Her hand shook on the doorknob. “It’s… It’s… It’s not going…”

  “NO,” he said, his voice just shy of shouting. “You owe me an explanation and I’m not leaving until I get one.”

  She owed him one, right? It was the least she could do. Let’s get this over with. She opened it and stared. Nate stood there with a forlorn expression, looking wrecked as if he hadn’t slept in days. “Then stay, whatever.” Resigned, she walked back over to the couch, huddling under the blanket her momma made for her sixteenth birthday.

  It took a minute, but finally Nate closed the door and walked over to her. “What the hell happened last night?” His voice changed from an upset curious tone to one laced with sympathy. “I get you were spooked by my accident, but it was more than that. You tell me you’re going to the office, and then I go to find you and it was like you’d vanished. Poof.” He snapped his fingers. “I get my phone to call you and there’s a message telling me you’re sorry. What the hell, Aurora?”

  Wanting to speak, but unable to think of a proper answer, she remained silent.

  Brow furrowed, eyes narrowed and his lips drawn tightly. However, he carried on, not giving her a chance to answer. “Then I call and call you, getting your voicemail. Finally, your friend answers but tells me nothing. How the hell did she get you home in time?”

  She closed her eyes. It was hard to face him and see him hurting. “My friends Xanax and Flexeril. And the Isa.”

  He slumped into a nearby chair and ran his fingers through his hair. As he sat up, he said, “Well that explains why she sounded like the ride home was hell.” A minute passed.

  A pained voice she didn’t recognise spoke, “It’s over, Nate. It’s best for everyone.” A loud sigh escaped her lips.

  He crawled on his knees and sat in front of her. “Is it really?” Something tugged around her neck and her eyes watched as his sparkled for the briefest of moments. “You’re still wearing the necklace.” He fingered the silver pendant. “Please, Aurora. Please tell me what happened.”

  Her heart pulsed beneath his fingers as he lay the pendant back on her skin. “The accident, Nate.”

  “But I’m fine.”

  “You don�
��t get it, and that’s okay.”

  “What don’t I get? Please, tell me. I’m desperately trying to understand.”

  She sat up straighter, tugged down her sleeves and folded her hands in her lap. “I don’t need the constant reminder of how my momma and sister died. I see it every damn day in here,” she pointed to her head. “Every fucking day I live with the nightmare of how they died.” Her eyes rolled skyward.

  Nate nodded, and reached for her arm. “That I get.”

  Why does his touch feel so good? She closed her eyes again and sighed as the images played over in her mind. “Seeing you in that crash, well, for a moment, I thought I’d lost you.” Her eyes roved over his face. She gripped her chest tight, trying to hold herself together. The air was frozen in her lungs and she couldn’t breathe. A tear fell. “I can’t watch you die.” Her voice resembled a whisper as her chin tucked into her chest.

  “Aurora,” he said softly, holding her hands against his chest. “I’m not going to die.”

  “Plus, I’m a huge distraction to you.”

  “I promise, you’re not a distraction.”

  Her head tipped up with the tug of his finger, but she kept her eyes closed. “If I’m not there, you’re able to concentrate on the race ahead instead of worrying about me and how I’ll react to any little situation.” A breath forced its way out.

  “Sure, I’m going to worry, but only because I love you. I’d worry just the same if you weren’t there. Maybe even more.” He stroked her cheek, wiping away the stream of tears.

  “How?” Her eyes opened, and she stared at him. His brow tight, and his expression grim. He looked so hot, which only made it harder to be strong. She knew this wasn’t going to work. Why did he have to be so damn adorable?

  “Well, I wouldn’t be able to prove to you that I’m okay immediately after, right? When you’re not there, I wonder what you’re doing, if you’d be proud of me if I won. Trust me, when you’re not there, my thoughts are still with you. But I’ve told you that.” He placed her hand over his beating heart and pressed it against it. His heart raced. “You’re always here.”

  “But your mom said–”

  He pulled back. “What? Wait. What did mom say to you?”

  Brenda’s words played over and over in her head. “She was worried because of the trip there, and how hard I made it on you, and how that wasn’t fair to you. And how right now isn’t the best time for us to be together.”

  She saw the tongue stud as his mouth fell open. Any other day it’d turn her on, but her heart wasn’t there today. “Wait? She what? Yes, the trip down was hell, and I won’t downplay that. Your screaming was… umm… well, anyways, we handled it. You and I–” He pointed to her and back to him. “We made it through. Together.” He huffed and shifted on his knees. “What the hell does she mean by it not being the best time for us to be together?” He ran his hands through his brown hair and judging by the force of it, removed a few strands too.

  “She thinks it’s too much all around, and I agree with her. You need to focus. This’ll help pay for university.”

  His eyes enlarged and his tone changed to shock. “You agree with her?”

  “Nate, your hobby doesn’t mesh with my fear. They’re polar opposites. I don’t know how to make it work.”

  “Let’s leave my mom out of this equation, since she doesn’t belong in it the first place, what do you mean you don’t know how to make this work? We have been making it work.” The heat on her knee from his hand soothed her rattled soul. “Yes, there have been hiccups, some unexpected surprises along the way, but we’ve made it through. You’re so much further ahead than where you were when we first met. You couldn’t even touch a car. And now? You just spent a weekend at the track surrounded by cars.” He stroked her hair as a proud grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. “I’ve given my heart to you. You can’t walk away with it. Please tell me we’re not over? Please tell me this we can make it through.” His dark brown eyes held more than the fear in his voice, they held sorrow and forgiveness. “We’ll find a way to make it work. I’ll talk to my sister, and you should too.” He cupped her chin as his own quivered. “Please don’t give up on me.”

  Shaking as she rose, the tears fell hard and fast. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, and wiped her eyes. “As long as you’re racing, I can’t be with you. And I don’t want you giving up your love, so I need you to give up on me.” One step in front of the other, she made it to the door and pulled it open. “I’m sorry.”

  A sniffle came from behind her, and the footsteps approached. She slammed her eyes shut as he whispered, “Aurora, you are my love.”

  She sighed. “I won’t be anymore.” Her voice softened. “I can’t be.” He needs to leave me, needs to understand that I’m not the one for him. And only one thing would hit him where it hurts. “I slept with someone else.” His gasp was soul-crushing, and it stung to hear his pain. But it was what she wanted, right? To push him away, and give him another reason why they weren’t meant to be together.

  His breath caught, and a moment later his voice shook and cracked as he asked, “Who?”

  With her heart beating in her throat, she couldn’t breathe. Eyes firmly closed, she shook her head as the tears ran. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “The hell it doesn’t.” A hurtful moan. “Who?”

  He’s not leaving. “Look, Nate, he may have been in my body–”

  Another painful gasp from him cut her off. “When?”

  On the cusp of a full out sob, she whispered, “The weekend before your birthday.” She wasn’t proud of it, even though she’d thought of him. Still… she’d been with another guy. Sometimes there are moments in life you wish you could take back, and sleeping with Matthew ranked in the number two position.

  Unsure why she needed to see the destruction, she turned to face him and instantly regretted it. His face was flushed, and his eyes were glassy. Those five words didn’t waste time destroying him. Maybe now he’d leave, and she’d never have to worry about coming between him and his love of racing.

  Her head fell, but her hand remained on the door knob. As he shuffled out, she heard his ragged breathing which further broke her heart. With a click of the lock, she sobbed as she slid to the floor.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Tuesday afternoon a key twisted in the apartment door. “Hello?” the voice called out, as bags dropped to the floor.

  “Hey, Daddy,” Aurora said with no emotion in her voice. She hadn’t said much over the last forty-eight hours, hadn’t eaten much and hadn’t even touched the percs that called out to her. She told herself there was no pain to feel because she was dead inside. Barely breathing, she resumed staring at the blank screen.

  Kaitlyn rose from beside her to greet Cole.

  “Kaitlyn, how nice to see you,” her father said but looked at Aurora. “What’s a matter, Princess, not feeling well?”

  “Something like that,” Kaitlyn muttered.

  He stepped around Kaitlyn and blocked the view of the silent TV. “What’s wrong?”

  As if he were a ghost, she looked right through him. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Kaitlyn stepped closer. “She’s having a rough time, Cole.”

  “Obviously.” His eyes darted back and forth between her and Kaitlyn. “Why?”

  Kaitlyn’s whisper was loud enough to hear. “Just be there for her. Don’t push her though.” Kaitlyn walked back to her. “I’m heading out for a while to give you some time alone. Call me when you want me to come back.” A soft kiss fell upon her cheek as she rubbed her arm.

  He sat on the floor in front of the couch. “You look terrible.” Delicately, he picked up her arm and felt her pulse. “Wow, your heart’s racing and you’ve got goosebumps. Are you cold?”

  “Freezing,” she said, adjusting the blanket.

  He sighed. “If you’ve got a tummy issue, I’m not good at dealing with that.”

  You’re not good at dealing with anything, b
ut that’s neither here nor there, right now. Instead of speaking her mind, she said, “It’s not a flu, Daddy.”

  “Okay,” he said, relaxing his shoulders. “That’s a relief. Your mother was always the one that helped with that. Always had a magical healing touch. You were never sick for long.”

  She didn’t want to hear about her momma right now, especially when she wanted her by her side to hold her and help her and soothe her heartache. “Shut up please, Daddy.”

  “What?” He snapped his head to her. “The last few times here you beg me to talk about her, and now when I do you tell me to shut up?”

  Her breath stumbled on its way out. “I need her, right now, Daddy. And you talking about her only adds to the hurt I’m feeling.”

  “Aw, shit, something happen between you and Nate?” A fresh wave of tears ran down over her nose, hitting the couch below. “Aw, Princess. I thought you were falling in love?” His voice softened.

  She sniffed. “Nate was in–” The image of his car slamming into the wall projected to the front of her mind, causing her voice to shake. “A head-on collision.”

  Blanching, he swallowed. “Shit. Did he–”

  “No, he didn’t die. It was at the track.” She pulled her legs up to her chest, her arms holding them in place. “But I can’t do it, Daddy. I can’t be with him anymore. His mom’s right, it’s too hard on us both when I’m there.”

  “Back the truck up. What does this have to do with his mom?”

  She relayed the conversation to him, ending with, “She said I’m not ready for Nate’s lifestyle and that’s a problem.”

  “Yet, he still brought you home? Did you two not discuss this before you left? Or once you got home?”

  Whoops. “Well, actually, Kait brought me home.”

  “How? How exactly did she bring you home?” With his eyes growing large, he looked poised to freak out.

  As she rested her chin on her knees, she took a deep breath. “The Isa plus a Flexeril and a Xanax.”

  “Oh dear God.” Cole paled further before her eyes.