Anxious Love (Love Sick #1)

by Sydney Aaliyah Michelle

  My afterglow and the mental satisfaction of being well fucked remained, but my enthusiasm waned a bit when I stood up. It took me two tries to climb out of bed.

  I groaned as I gingerly took a step.

  Ryan swung his legs out of bed and sat up holding my waist.

  His face dropped. "I hurt you?"

  "No, you didn't. I'm fine."

  He shook his head.

  "Ryan." I turned to face him. I held his face in my hands. "Big guy." He smiled, but with no less concern on his face. "So worth it." I waved as if the pain was nothing. I stepped into the bathroom, and Ryan was right on my heels.

  "Maybe you should soak in the tub."

  "You could kiss it and make it better."

  He laughed and shook his head. "That's how you got in this predicament in the first place."

  Ryan turned on the water in the sunken tub. It was big enough for two grown men, plenty of room for Ryan and me.

  I sprinkled some therapeutic salts in the bath and the smell of eucalyptus hit both of us.

  "Nice," he said. He tested the water and adjusted the temperature. "Get in. I will be right back."

  I slid into the tub but winced when the warm water hit my lady parts. It didn't take long for my muscles to relax, and the pain between my legs became a dull ache.

  Ryan returned with refreshments.

  "We need some nourishment." He handed me a bottle of beer then opened a bag of chips and tilted it toward me. We clinked the bottles, and I brought it to my lips. It soothed my throat and the chips settled my stomach. I leaned back and relaxed watching Ryan's massive, muscular frame sink into the tub. The power his body unleashed onto my small frame. I marveled at how such a big guy could be so careful, so gentle.

  "Wait, we should say something,” he said.

  I raised my eyes and waited.

  "To a beautiful girl, in a beautiful place, and..." He narrowed his eyes.

  "Hot sex," I said. He nodded and clinked bottles.

  "Thank you."

  "For what?"

  "For bringing me here."

  I grinned.

  We both took a long swig of the cold drink and moaned as we relished the cool liquid. Leaning back, we both watched each other. Ryan reached under the water and pulled my foot onto his lap. He massaged it with one hand while drinking his beer with the other.

  "When did you buy this place?"

  "After my publisher bought my first book, they offered me a three book deal. I thought I needed the seclusion, but it wasn't healthy for me to sequester myself off from the rest of the world all the time."

  "Yeah, but you love it here. Your face lit up as soon as we pulled up." He took another swig of his beer and grabbed my other foot. "I feel like you walk around looking over your shoulder when we are at home, but here, you seem so open. Free."

  I lowered my head. Ryan squeezed.

  "This place is the only place in the world where I feel like I can take a deep breath. It’s weird, but I feel completely safe here. There's no logical reason for it except for maybe I bought it on my own and with money I earned doing what I love. I think that has something to do with it."

  "That's not all of it, though."

  I stared into his eyes. Wanting to tell him everything, I wondered how much I could tell him before what happened to me tore us apart.

  "No, not all of it." I took a sip, leaned my head back, and closed my eyes.

  "Little One." He shook my foot. "Don't run away from me." He scooted forward, set my beer down, and pulled me close.

  "I'm not." I bit my lip and looked off to the side, but his hands turned my face back to stare at him. The warmth of the water calmed me along with his hands on me. I was safe.

  "I already know you're a little off. It's okay, so am I. I still want to be with you. So whatever you tell me, I'll listen and I won't judge."

  A tear slipped from my eyes, and my insides rumbled like a stormy mess. The truth, the whole truth, sat near the top of my throat. I was choking on it; I had been for three years. I wanted to tell him, tell someone who cared about me, but I didn't want to change what we had, and it would. I was sure it would.

  He leaned over and kissed me. I whimpered when his lips landed on mine, but his kiss gave me a breath of life. His lips on me gave me energy. I felt brave when he had his arms around me. I kissed him back, drawing on the power I felt from them. When I’d had enough, I leaned back and opened my mouth.

  "My anxiety was triggered by something that happened in college." I paused and licked my lips. His expectant face made my insides clench. "My best friend killed herself, and I blame myself."

  "Oh, my God, Leah." Ryan pulled me into his arms and held my head against his chest. "I am so sorry. That's awful."

  I held on to him, letting his words comfort me and pushing aside the shame I felt for not trusting him with the entire truth.

  "But you can't blame yourself. She made that choice, you didn't."

  "After it had happened, I cut myself off from the world. I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I would have to get close to anyone"—I leaned back and looked up—"but slowly, with a lot of therapy and medication, I opened myself up more to people around me."

  "Like Sophie."

  "Yeah, and Allie and Mark were like my steppingstones to enter back into the real world. It's just hard being around happiness if that makes sense. I think one of the reasons we all get along so well is we all have our own set of issues."

  "When my mother died, I blamed myself, too. She died of cancer, but I wasn't there at the end. I felt guilty; I still do. I feel lonely a lot of the time. Even when I'm standing in a stadium full of eighty thousand people, I feel alone because my mom isn't here to share it with me. To cheer for me."

  "I knew you'd fit in. You have your issues, too."

  We both chuckled.

  "I’m glad you told me. You're going to be okay, you know. Just in the time we've been together, I've seen you putting yourself out there and taking chances."

  "Yeah, because of you. When I said this was the only place I could take a deep breath, well, it seems I found another thing that allows me to breathe."

  "What's that?"

  "Being with you." I reached up and kissed him. With my lips hovering near his, I said, "I could breathe you in every day, all day."

  He kissed me with a little more force. "Soak it up, Little One. I'm not going anywhere."

  He pulled me on his lap and his cock sprang to life. I moaned as he rubbed up against my core, even while my insides ached. My body tensed.

  "Shh, it’s okay." He pulled back. "We have all the time in the world."

  Was he talking to me or his penis?

  I leaned back into him and placed my hand against his chest. The thud in his heart slowed down.

  "I'm so sorry about your mom."

  "I'm sorry about your friend."

  We didn't talk much more about them after our bath. We spent the rest of the weekend eating, drinking, laughing, and enjoying each other.

  While I didn't tell him everything, my heart wanted to believe the rest wouldn't matter. My heart had betrayed me before.

  My head knew the truth.

  Leah and I enjoyed the rest of our escape from the world. By the time we headed back to New Orleans, we were closer than ever.

  The stuff she told me about her friend wasn't the whole story, but I didn't want to push her. It explained a whole lot about her.

  My mind raced with ideas on how I could help her more. I would have her in the stands cheering me one before the first game of the season.

  We spent the rest of our summer nights together. I felt a little bad because she walked around sore all the time. It wasn't my fault; she wanted me all the time. She was trying to make up for the last three years.

  It was her idea to use sex to distract her in moments when she was feeling anxious. Who was I to argue with her methods?

  "What are you grinning about?" She asked.

  It was midnight, a
nd we were sitting in the back booth at Poppies Grill having breakfast. We kept strange hours. She said when I ate her out she craved hamburgers after.

  "What?" she asked. My grin gave away what was going on in my mind.

  She took another huge bite of the burger that was bigger than her head. She closed her eyes and savored the bite. She savored everything that made her happy. I loved that I earned that same look in her eyes. I was a lucky man.

  I reached under the table and pulled her leg in my lap. "Nothing. I'm just going to miss you," I answered.

  She gave me one of her infamous pouts, and I wanted to jump over the table and bite her pouty lips.

  "Training camp sucks."

  "It's only for two weeks. Most teams have training camp out in the middle of nowhere for six weeks. You would have to come, and you know, make me feel better in the backseat of the car."

  She blushed. She was so damn cute. "I'm not going to get you off in the backseat of a car in the middle of West Virginia."

  "Okay, new rule. You're not allowed to eliminate something regarding sex until we try it first."

  "Um, first of all, a veto to that rule, and second, it's not the sex in the car that I'm opposed to. A little black woman servicing a big white man in a car in the backwoods of West Virginia." She narrowed her eyes.

  "Ah, I see your point." I grinned and popped a French fry into my mouth.

  "Even when you get back from training camp, it isn't over. You guys still have to stay in a hotel?"

  "We get breaks."

  "Sex breaks."

  "Yeah, but we're not allowed to call them that for legal reasons."

  She grinned and took another big bite.

  "I have been thinking. When we get back, I want you to come and see one of my practices. It's open to the public."

  The air in the booth and between us grew sparse the instant I finished the sentence. Leah's leg stiffened in my lap. When she pulled it away from me, I held on tight. "Now, don't freak out. I have a plan."

  "Okay." She was no way near convinced. Her eyes darted around the restaurant, expecting an assault from some unknown enemy. Most of the time when we were together, we were so into each other she didn't notice the rest of the world.

  My idea had pushed her firmly into the world versus her mode. The vibe was similar to when she met Kori and when she met Kelly and Daniel.

  "Only part of the stadium is open during training camp for the fans. You can watch in one of the closed sections or in a suite. I'll hire security if I have to. Anything you need to feel safe and comfortable."

  "How would I get in the stadium?" she asked.

  "I have to figure that out. I know you can drive up on the concourse level. I see cars driving around up there all the time."

  "You've really thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

  "Well, yeah. I think you would enjoy it, but you don't have to decide right now. I wanted to give you some time to think about it. Work your mind around it."

  The pain on her face hurt my heart. I rubbed her leg, and she relaxed, but the scowl remained.

  "Please, just think about it. Or even if you get there, and it doesn't feel right, then you can leave."

  "I don't know, Ryan."

  "Hey, you can see me in my football uniform. You should see how hot I look in those pants."

  She smiled at my joke but with no feeling behind it. She frowned and looked down at her half-eaten burger. "Why is this so important to you?"

  Fair question.

  "It's for selfish reasons really. The idea of having someone I care so much about in the stands cheering me on makes me happy."

  Leah blinked back tears. "Is this because of your mother?"

  Shit. I didn't mean to make her cry. "No."

  The tears were falling now.

  "Oh, baby. I'm sorry. Please don't cry. Fuck, I don't want to guilt you into doing anything you're not comfortable with. I—"

  "No, I know. I..." She bit her lip, but the tears continued. "I'm not crying because of that. You are so sweet to me... I-I want to make you happy."

  I stood up and moved to her side of the booth. I cupped her face in my hand and raised her chin up as my lips came crashing down on hers. When I pulled back, she exhaled as I wiped the tears from her cheeks. "You do make me happy."

  I kissed her again trying to convey how much I meant it.

  It had been a month, and Sophie and I hadn't spoken.

  I worried about her because she had cut off communication with Allie and Mark, too. I’d hear her around her apartment one day, and a week would go by before I saw or heard her again.

  While Ryan was at training camp, I buried myself in outlining a new series. I had football players on the brain, and after hearing about Ryan's teammates, the creative and sexy storylines flowed.

  Working preventing me from stressing about watching his practice, but it was never far from my mind.

  Ryan didn’t mention it again until a few days before he returned. I half hoped he had forgotten.

  "I come home tomorrow night and have a day off."

  "I know. What should we do all night and day?" I asked.

  "You have any ideas?"

  "I have some," I answered.

  "Me, too."

  "Tell me," I said.

  Ryan cleared his throat. "Well, it starts with me undressing you and getting reacquainted with all my favorite parts of your beautiful body."

  "Your favorite parts? That would mean there are some parts that aren't your favorite?"

  "Seriously, Leah. I'm trying to be romantic."

  "Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Continue. Be romantic."

  "Okay, after I get"—he cleared his throat—"reacquainted, and then I'll take you out for a burger."

  "Yummy." My insides warmed from the way he said reacquainted.

  "Then I thought we could take an early morning stroll over to the Superdome."

  "The Superdome?"

  "Yeah. Before every game, we do a walkthrough. That way we are more familiar with the situation before the actual game starts. I thought we could do a walkthrough of your visit to practice."

  "Ryan, I..." My heart rate increased. He hadn't forgotten.

  "I know I said I wasn't going to push it. You can still say no, but at least do the walkthrough with me. That way if you do decide to come to practice, you'll know what to expect."

  His day off, while we spent most of the time getting reacquainted, I couldn't focus. It pissed me off because I was sure I wasted a few good orgasmic opportunities. My brain couldn't let go. Not all the time. Ryan did his best to make sure I didn't think too much, and in those times, I was screaming his name.

  If he could employ that tactic while I was at his practice, I would have no problem.

  At seven am, Ryan and I walked up one of the ramps to the concourse at the Louisiana Superdome. The round spaceship structure brought to mind the horrible scenes people described during Hurricane Katrina. The sun shone bright, and the sky was so blue, but I couldn't shake the ominous feel of the place.

  We stood by one of the entrances, hand in hand. My hands were sweating, but in my mind, I blamed it on the heat.

  "You okay?" Ryan asked.

  "Yeah, I'm fine." Ryan narrowed his eyes. "Really, I'm fine."

  He pulled me close and laid a kiss on top of my head. I breathed him in and exhaled, drawing comfort from his embrace. Could he feel it? Me sucking the energy from him.

  I turned as the door opened. A whoosh of cold air escaped the building, inviting us in out of the heat.

  We turned, and the warm smile of a burly, light-skinned man with a heavy Creole accent greeted us. "Good morning, Ryan."

  "Hey, Mr. Thibodeaux. Good morning."

  He extended his meaty hand and shook Ryan's huge, lean hand. I watched the exchange, the way Ryan's body relaxed when he spoke to him. My body relaxed in the same manner as Mr. Thibodeaux addressed me.

  "You must be Ms. Leah. Pleasure." His hand enveloped mine, and it made me smile. "
You two come on in."

  "Nice to meet you."

  "Thanks for meeting us so early," Ryan said.

  "Of course." He locked the door behind us. "So, Ms. Leah, Ryan said you want to come to practice but want to avoid the crowds. I don't blame you. New Orleans fans get excited about their Saints. I would suggest you come to Thursday's practice. The first few days will be more crazy, so people will have settled down by then. Here's my card."

  He handed me a black business card that said Thibodeaux security, the official security team for the New Orleans Saints and the Louisiana Superdome.

  "The ramp you just walked up. I'll have security down there. Call me when you are five minutes away, and I'll alert the guy to let you in. I'll meet you right here and walk you to your seat."

  "This is your company?" I asked. The owner of a security firm doesn't have to babysit me.

  "Family company, my grandfather started it back in 1945." He said with pride.

  We followed him through the concourse toward the stadium seats. When we reached the top of the stairs that descended down into the stadium, I stopped.

  "Wow." My eyes grew wide as I took it all in. A couple of people on the field near the sidelines arranged benches and tables. A few guys across the stadium on the upper level hung signs.

  "It's pretty spectacular, isn't it?" Mr. Thibodeaux said.

  "It's massive," Ryan said.

  We descended the steps and stopped halfway down.

  "You will have the entire end zone to yourself." Mr. Thibodeaux stretched his hands out. He pointed with his right hand. "See them roping off the section?"

  I nodded.

  "That's as far as the public will get to you, so you will be perfectly safe."

  "Thanks, Mr. Thibodeaux," Ryan said.

  "No, worries, friend." He started up the stairs. "You two take as much time as you need and then leave the way you came. I'll come by and lock it later."

  "Thank you," I said, happy to have found my voice.

  "No problem, Ms. Leah."

  "Thursday would be a good day," I said more to myself.

  "Terrific," Mr. Thibodeaux answered anyway.

  I smiled and turned back to find Ryan staring down at me with a goofy grin on his face. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the row we stopped on and sat down. Ryan sat next to me.