Waiting for the Punchline

by Natasha West

  That was a big question as far as Phoebe was concerned. How would they know when they were adults? Her period hadn’t made her feel like that. Maybe when she left home? Had a job? Maybe when she was her parents’ age, they always seemed so certain of everything.

  But Megan felt sure that when she’d surfed the crimson wave, with it would come some sort of certainty of her path in life.

  Three weeks later, Megan’s period came. But the only knowledge that came with it was that the cramps that arrived shortly afterwards were about the worst fucking thing ever. It was a reminder that even though life had improved after she’d become friends with Phoebe and after she’d realised that playing the clown could get her out of all manner of problems, life could still be pretty rubbish.

  2000

  Guitar Girl and The Rabbit

  Eight

  ‘Meg! Meg, are you up?!’ Phoebe yelled up to Megan’s bedroom window from her front garden.

  A tousled, dirty blonde head popped out of Megan’s window. ‘Ah, shit. Sorry, mate.’

  Phoebe rolled her eyes but said nothing. There was no point. Having a go at Megan would only delay them further. Phoebe considered leaving without her. But she considered that most days and it was only an idle thought. She could never really leave Megan behind. Sure she was angry now, but once Megan came out they’d be chatting and laughing, like they always did.

  Seven minutes later, Megan appeared at her front door. She wasn’t exactly bright eyed and bushy tailed. She looked like she’d been dragged through a hedge backwards. And then forwards again. She was holding a hair brush, dragging it through her thick, wavy hair, fighting the battle with her locks that she fought every day and lost.

  ‘Come on, I’ll brush as we walk’ Megan said as she hurried out of the gate, Phoebe in tow.

  ‘Did you just wake up?’ Phoebe asked irritably.

  ‘I’m not even awake now’ Megan said, yawning as she stumbled down the street.

  ‘I don’t get it. It’s the last day of school and you can’t just pull it together for one day to collect your grades?’

  ‘What’s the point? I’ve probably shit the bed on all my exams anyway.’

  ‘You should have let me help you’ Phoebe admonished.

  ‘When you know you’re about to crash and burn, you don’t ask anyone else to get on the plane, Pheebs.’

  ‘I had a tutor, I would have been fine to help you if you weren’t so bloody stubborn.’

  Megan ignored the last part of the comment. ‘What a waste. As if you needed a tutor. You should be a tutor, brainbox.’

  Phoebe rolled her eyes. ‘That’s what I’m saying. I could’ve helped.’

  ‘You’re a smarty pants for sure but there’s a limit to what even you can accomplish. I’m amazed I was even allowed to do my A-levels after the catastrophe that was GCSEs. My German oral was the worst. Five years I’d been learning it and all I could say was ‘Entschuldigen sie bitte, wo is der autobahn?’

  ‘Excuse me please, where is the motorway? That’s all you said? The whole exam?’ Phoebe sputtered.

  ‘Yep. Talk about an awkward fifteen minutes. On the bright side, if I ever decide to go hitchhiking in Germany, I’m set.’

  ‘Well, before you do that, you should think about maybe still going to university. Because you did do A-levels and you must have done it for some reason. So even if your grades aren’t…amazing… you can still do a degree if you want, go through clearing, get a place somewhere. Maybe you could even go to a uni near me, in Manchester’ she added quickly.

  Megan smiled and looked away, examining her brush, now full of her thick hair. ‘I don’t know if I’m cut out for the whole uni thing. Anyway, you won’t need me around. You’ll be making loads of fancy muso friends at music college. You’ll talk about chord progressions and octaves and shit.’

  Phoebe tutted. ‘I can talk about chord progressions as well as listen to you taking the piss out of everything.’

  ‘You’ve had six years of that. You must need a break by now’ Megan said with a grin.

  Phoebe shrugged. ‘Not just yet.’

  Megan was sat on the wall outside the school’s main entrance, sipping a coke and waiting for Phoebe. Around her were other students, ripping open envelopes and digging out slips of paper that dictated their futures. Megan found it hard to connect to the drama.

  Next to her on the wall was her small brown envelope. She didn’t look at it. She wasn’t interested in its contents. She had a pretty good idea what it said, anyway.

  She’d taken drama, media studies and English literature. English had been a wash out. She had shown up most of the time, and she’d had no problem taking part in the debates about whatever book they were reading and she’d given the written exam a good bash but she’d never done the coursework so she was pretty sure that one would be an F. Media might not be so bad, it had been all coursework and that coursework had been shooting and editing an advert and she’d just about managed it.

  The only one she could have said she’d really liked was drama. The practical had been incredibly fun but again, she’d sacked off the coursework. Still, she’d felt good about that exam. Her and her fellow group members had put on a ten-minute play and even though Megan had never auditioned for any of the school plays, being on that stage had felt good. She’d played a drunk who wakes up next to a corpse and doesn’t know if she’s the murderer. Megan had, of course, played it for laughs.

  And now she sat with the envelope, ignoring it. Truth be told, it wasn’t at the top of her priority list. The top was occupied by the envelope coming toward her via Phoebe’s sweaty hands. Phoebe’s A-level subjects were music (obviously), history and mathematics. She hadn’t been too keen on the last two but her parents had insisted that she needed to balance out her musical prowess with more academic subjects in order to appeal to a broad range of higher education selection boards. It was stupid, really, Megan thought. As if she wouldn’t get snapped up whatever she studied?

  But it didn’t matter what subjects Phoebe been forced into. Megan knew she’d probably nailed them, like she did any challenge you put in front of her. It was what she did. And that was why Megan was more invested in Phoebe’s results than her own. Even though Megan never really succeeded at anything, watching Phoebe do well made Megan happy.

  ‘Well?’ Megan demanded.

  ‘I haven’t opened it yet’ Phoebe admitted.

  ‘Why not?’

  Phoebe was about to answer when she saw the envelope on the wall. ‘What about yours? You haven’t opened either!’

  Megan shrugged. ‘Yeah, but….’

  ‘But what?!’

  ‘I don’t know! Just open your sodding envelope, would you?’ Megan exclaimed.

  Phoebe licked her lips, nervously. ‘I think there’s only one way to settle this.’

  Megan nodded, sagely. ‘Russian roulette? I always knew it would come down to this one day. I’ll reach out to my contacts, get a gun and we’ll finally finish this-’

  ‘Pack it in, would you? You know what I was going to say. We open at the same time.’

  Megan groaned. ‘Have I really got to open mine? It’s not going to change anything.’

  Phoebe grabbed the envelope before Megan could stop her. ‘Hey!’ Megan protested but Phoebe handed her the other envelope. ‘Right, here’s how we do it. You do mine. I do yours. Alright?’

  Megan looked at Phoebe’s envelope. ‘Fuck it.’ And she started to rip. Phoebe immediately joined in, albeit a touch more carefully.

  They both examined the three grades. Phoebe spoke first. ‘I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is.’

  Megan laughed. ‘Wow. If that’s the glass half full version of this news, that’s not good.’

  ‘D in English lit, C in media studies and a B in drama’ Phoebe informed her. ‘That’s really not so bad.’

  Megan’s eyebrows went up in wonder. ‘Actually, you’re right. That’s nowhere near as bad as I thought’ She shook her head
, stunned. And then she remembered what was in her hand. ‘Oh, you’ve got all As, by the way’ she added casually.

  Phoebe blinked. ‘What? Really? This isn’t one of your jokes, is it?’

  Megan cocked her head. ‘I wouldn’t joke about this, Pheebs. A, A and an A plus in music. Of course. Here’ she said, waving the paper in front of Phoebe’s face.

  It was true. Phoebe had done it. She wanted to cry with relief.

  ‘Right. Can we go and get drunk now?’ Megan asked.

  Nine

  ‘Watch it! Melissa said as Megan bumped into her back with the drinks. The pub was packed out with the whole year, celebrating or commiserating.

  Megan turned to Melissa. ‘Why, what you gonna do? Throw a netball at my face? School’s out, Bartlett. Chill.’

  Melissa glared and Megan thought for a second she was about to get punched in the tits. But Melissa simply turned back to her gaggle of clones, muttering ‘Remember when her trousers fell down in year one?’ The lackeys cackled.

  ‘Remember when you got fingered by half the school?’ Megan muttered under her breath and walked on, carrying her pints of lager to the table where Phoebe waited.

  ‘Meg, I can’t drink that! I’ll be hammered!’

  ‘That’s kind of the idea’ Megan said as she put the huge drink in front of Phoebe. And then she smiled. ‘Don’t worry, they’re only lager tops. It’s half lemonade.’

  Phoebe smiled and took and sip. ‘Wind up merchant.’

  ‘Where’s Anna, anyway? I thought she’d be here today?’

  ‘Haven’t you heard? She left without her results, didn’t need them. Texted me. Apparently, the army don’t really care if you get your A-levels or not. She passed all the requirements and that was that. She’s off.’

  Megan put her drink down. ‘I still can’t believe she’s joined the marines.’

  Phoebe nodded. ‘Always the quiet ones. Literally. Do you think they’ll mind if she doesn’t talk?’

  ‘Long as she can muster up the odd ‘Sir, yes, sir!’, I’m sure they won’t care.’

  Phoebe raised her glass ‘To Anna.’

  ‘And all who sail in her’ Megan added as she clinked.

  They sipped in a moments silence as they considered Anna, the mute marine.

  ‘So…’ Phoebe began.

  ‘Don’t even do it’ Megan said quickly.

  Phoebe raised her eyebrows in surprise. ‘You don’t even know what I’m going to say, yet.’

  ‘Oh? You weren’t about to ask what the fuck I’m going to do with my future?’

  ‘Not how I was going to put it. But I guess I was wondering what you were going to do next?’ Phoebe admitted.

  ‘Not everyone has to have their whole lives mapped out, ya know’ Megan said irritably.

  ‘I don’t have my whole life mapped out’ Phoebe argued. ‘Just the next three years.’

  ‘Does your Mum know you’re focusing on guitar, while we’re at it?’

  Phoebe hesitated. ‘No.’

  ‘But she knows you play it, though.’

  ‘Yes. And she’s kind of alright with it as long as she thinks I only play classical music on it. One time, she caught me playing Wonderwall and she went insane. So now I only play the good stuff at yours.’ It was only then that Phoebe realised she’d just been diverted. ‘Hey! I know what you’re doing!’

  ‘What am I doing?’ Megan said innocently.

  ‘Look, I get that you maybe don’t plan everything out like I do. But I know you. You make out like everything’s a joke but there must be something you want to do?’

  Megan groaned. ‘You’re like a dog with a bone.’ And then her shoulders slumped. ‘Look, maybe I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but I actually do have some plans for the summer.’

  ‘Yes?’ Phoebe asked without hope. She thought Megan was going to say she was spending the whole summer on her PlayStation 2, clocking GoldenEye for the fourth time.

  ‘I’ve got a job.’

  ‘You’ve… Wait, what?’ Phoebe exploded. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

  ‘I only found out for certain yesterday. And today was your big day. A summer job doesn’t really compare with your three grade As does it?’

  ‘Yes, it does, actually!’ Phoebe said genuinely. This was the first hint of any kind of ambition that Megan had ever displayed. It was huge. ‘What is it?’

  ‘I’m a Greencoat.’

  ‘What’s a Greencoat?’

  ‘You know Dinkles?’ Phoebe nodded, she’d heard of Dinkles. It was a holiday camp in Penkness, a nearby coastal town not known for its class. ‘The people that entertain the kids there, they’re called Greencoats. Cos they wear-’

  ‘Yeah, I get it. You got a job entertaining kids?’ Phoebe asked, still reeling.

  ‘I saw an ad in the paper and I thought… You know me, I’m not really a fan of hard work but I think I can make some kids laugh. I’ve had enough experience with the twins and they’re little bastards so this can’t be too hard, can it?’

  Phoebe took a moment to adjust to this new info. And after she’d finished, she decided that this was a good thing. At least for Megan. For Phoebe, it was a bit disappointing.

  ‘Well, that sounds great.’

  Megan bit her lip. ‘You don’t sound so sure.’

  Phoebe shook her head. ‘No, it really is. I guess I just thought… I suppose I’d assumed we’d be hanging out this summer’ she admitted, embarrassed.

  Megan swallowed thickly. ‘Err, actually…’

  Phoebe looked up. ‘What?’

  ‘Well, the thing about Dinkles is… It also does live entertainment for the adults.’

  ‘Right...’ Phoebe said, narrowing her eyes.

  ‘Yeah. A covers band. And they need musicians. So I filled out an application for you and put my address on it. They’ve offered you a job too.’

  Phoebe nearly dropped her drink. ‘Why did you do that?’

  ‘I don’t know, I guess I thought it would be a good way for us to maybe spend the summer together before…’ she left the end of the sentence hanging in the air and they both knew what it was. Before they went their separate ways. Before Phoebe became a musician and Megan probably ended up working the till in McDonalds. ‘Look, what were you even going to do this summer, anyway?’ Megan added, going on the heavy attack. ‘Practise? That’s what this is. And you’ll get paid. And you’ll get experience playing in front of actual people, which you’re always saying you need. And it’ll be fun!’

  Phoebe was knocked sideways. Surely it was a mad idea.

  Megan was beginning to think she’d made a huge mistake here. Phoebe looked pissed off. She supposed it had been a bit crazy to do this. But she meant what she’d said. She’d thought it might be the best way for them to say goodbye. Despite Phoebe’s pleas that it wasn’t too late for her to go to uni, Megan knew it wasn’t for her. It had been a hard-enough struggle to get through her A-levels. There was no chance she’d survive any more education.

  So this was it, the only thing Megan could come up with. The last few dregs of their friendship didn’t have to be backwash. Megan and Phoebe, away from home, off the leash. It couldn’t be anything other than a good time, like they always had. But this would be memorable. And that was all Megan could hope for now, that when Phoebe went off to the amazing life she was inevitably going to have, once she’d dropped contact with Megan, then the recollections of this summer would be golden ones. That Megan would be a fond memory.

  If Megan was honest with herself, the plan had possibly been more about distraction than fun. Because whatever she did now, she’d be doing it without Phoebe. Six years together, spending all their spare time together, (not to mention some time that had not been spare at all), they’d stuck together through everything. Kelly had a go at her leaving her room in a state? Phoebe was there. Phoebe’s Mum was haranguing her about a mediocre grade? Megan was there. The time that Megan had fallen off a tree she’d decided to climb so she could
proclaim herself ‘King of the world?’ Phoebe had called the ambulance. The occasion when Phoebe’s guitar string had snapped and whipped her in the face, drawing blood? Megan had patched her up. The time Megan had started an argument with a policeman about the legal ramifications of jumping into a shopping trolley and flying down a hill in it? Phoebe had intervened to make sure Megan did not spend a night in the cells. The time Phoebe had broken down in tears when she couldn’t get the F chord down? Megan had made her realise she didn’t have to do everything perfectly first time. The occasion when Megan had run away from home for thirty-two hours? Phoebe gave up her bed to Megan while she took the floor. The time Phoebe had snuck off to an open mic night to play some of her original songs with sweaty palms and a racing heart? Megan was front row, as well as providing a convincing alibi when Phoebe’s parents checked in.