To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  Samantha had never known anyone so resolute in his thinking. Because of that single-mindedness, he’d raised Jessica to be the most wonderful girl in the world.

  “Darling? I brought us a present to wear to the sleepover.”

  Jessica was ready to put the cake in the oven, but they had to wait for the ribs to brown. Her eyes sparkled when she looked at Samantha. “You mean pajamas?”

  “You’re close. There’s a woman who sews for your grandmother from time to time. I asked her to make us old-fashioned matching nightgowns and bed caps like the Ingalls women used to wear in Little House on the Prairie.”

  Jessica let out a shriek of delight. “Where are they?”

  “In the sack with handles in the back seat of the car.”

  “I’ll get it!” On her way out of the kitchen she paused long enough to throw her arms around Samantha. “I love you so much, Mom.”

  “That’s only a hundredth part of how much I love you.”

  “PIERCE?”

  The chief was on the phone with another ranger. He took one look at Nick and motioned him inside his office while he finished up the call.

  Nick complied and sat down in one of the chairs facing the desk. He’d been out in the field all week and hadn’t come into headquarters at all. The place looked pretty much back to normal now that the remodeling was complete, following the accident.

  Being a Friday evening, most of the staff had left the building. Pierce was staying on as part of the skeletal crew so he could take all day Saturday as well as Saturday night off to be with his wife.

  Thank heaven for Pierce. Nick needed to talk to him or he wasn’t going to make it through the next ten minutes, let alone the weekend.

  Once Pierce had hung up, he stared at Nick. “You look almost as bad as you did on Halloween. I thought you were on your way to West Yellowstone.”

  Nick grimaced. “That was the plan. Yesterday afternoon I changed my mind and called off the date with Gilly.”

  Pierce sat forward in his swivel chair. “How did she take it?”

  “Like a trooper. There’s something wrong with me, Pierce.”

  His friend studied him for a long time. “You can’t force feelings if they aren’t there.”

  “It’s not even about feelings. At this point nothing excites me.”

  “Since when?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes you do. Let’s face it. You’ve never had to share Jessica before. Your whole world has revolved around her. Suddenly you’ve been given a little time off. Though it was something you’ve always wanted and needed, you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t a little hurt that Jessica’s so happy with Sam.”

  “That makes me some kind of a monster, doesn’t it.”

  “No. It makes you human like the rest of us. For thirteen years you’ve had the sole responsibility for your daughter. Now her mother has entered the picture, giving you a little space. But you don’t have anything to fill the void yet.”

  “Void is the right word,” Nick muttered. “Here I am floundering, wondering what foot to put in front of the other, while my daughter is off to a party with her mother, having the time of her life. You know what’s the irony of all this?” he cried. “I couldn’t have gone to that party even if Sam weren’t in Jessica’s life!”

  “That’s true. Leslie would have taken her, and you would have been content until Jessica came home to give you a debriefing. The difference is, your daughter is making memories with her mother, memories that until now she only made with you. That has to hurt.”

  “It does,” he admitted. “She’s a new person, Pierce. Happier. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do that for her.”

  “No. Because you’re not her mother.”

  “My daughter has been transformed by the knowledge that Sam loves her and wants her in her life. How do I get over my anger and jealousy?”

  Pierce sat back. “The same way you got over your pain years ago. The same way I got over mine after Linda died. Time is the great healer. Time plus the knowledge deep down in your soul that Jessica’s life is better for having Sam in it.”

  “Somewhere inside of me I know you’re right, but every time I think about Sam and what she did to us…” Nick couldn’t finish the thought.

  After a pause Pierce said, “So you still haven’t forgiven her.”

  Nick put his head down. “I sound like a bastard, don’t I.”

  “No. You sound like a man who never fell out of love. But before you go on torturing yourself over the fact that she couldn’t have loved you and do what she did, just remember one thing.

  “Sam was a vulnerable seventeen-year-old girl, not much older than Jessica is right now. She was an only child with an intelligent mind, a daughter doted on and loved by her parents and grandparents. It was asking a lot, maybe the impossible, for her to have gone against their combined advice and wishes.”

  Maybe it was asking the impossible. Nick buried his face in his hands, not knowing what to believe anymore.

  “Nick?” His head came up. “Do you think your anger goes deeper than Sam?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Perhaps you never forgave your parents for dying, and took it out on Sam for refusing to marry you.”

  That was exactly what it was like. He’d needed her so badly, and she’d shut him out forever, too. “You’re in the wrong field of work, Pierce. You should have been a psychiatrist.”

  His friend’s grin was lopsided. “You know what they say about psychiatrists. They can help other people, but when it comes to themselves, they’re as clueless as the next person.”

  “Well, you’ve given me a hell of a lot to think about. In repayment, I’m sending you home to your wife. I’ll stay on duty till morning. There’s a pile of paperwork on my desk I need to start plowing through. No time like the present to get it done.”

  “I can’t let you do that.” Pierce was trying to pretend the offer didn’t excite him, but he failed miserably in the attempt.

  “Go on. Get out of here,” Nick ordered. “You’ll be doing me a big favor and you know it.”

  “I do know it,” his friend said. “That’s the only reason I’m leaving.”

  “It’s not the only reason,” Nick teased him. “But I’m glad you’re going willingly, otherwise I might be forced to take drastic steps.”

  Pierce chuckled before he got up from the chair. “Let’s touch base Sunday night.”

  Sunday night.

  Nick looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. It was anyone’s guess how life at the Kincaid house would be once Jessica heard about her mother’s recent illness. No matter what, their daughter was headed for a new emotional crisis.

  CHAPTER NINE

  AT TEN AFTER ELEVEN Sunday morning, Samantha pulled the rental car into the Gallaghers’ driveway. “It’s been so much fun, Cory. We’ll have to do it again soon.”

  “Yeah! Thanks!” He got out of the car.

  “Bye, Cory!”

  “Bye, Jess.”

  He opened and closed his hand, his manner of waving. Samantha thought he had to be the cutest boy in the world.

  When he darted to the front door of the house with his sleeping bag and the games he’d brought with him, Pierce and Leslie were there to open it for him. Lucy bounded out on the porch and jumped all over Cory, licking him. It was a precious sight.

  “Thank you!” the Gallaghers called to Samantha.

  “You’re welcome!” she answered before raising the window.

  A final wave and they were off to Nick’s house a couple of blocks away. The nice weather had held. It was cold, but beautiful. The Tetons were so gorgeous, she couldn’t believe they were real.

  “I wish you didn’t have to go back to Coeur D’Alene,” Jessica mumbled.

  If she meant ever, then her darling girl wasn’t alone.

  Samantha’s heart constricted with emotion. She loved her daughter so much it hurt. “I know how you feel. But on
ly five days from now we’ll be in Denver together. Your grandparents can’t wait to meet you, and that’s the truth.”

  “I can’t wait to see them, either.”

  Jessica was such a mature, honest, open, loving girl. She accepted explanations without condemning people. Her positive outlook on life and her ability to forgive were revelations.

  Samantha had to hope all those wonderful qualities would help her daughter deal with some news that was going to upset her.

  It would be impossible to know how Samantha’s confession would affect Jessica. Only time would tell. Unfortunately, Nick would have to bear the brunt of the initial fallout after she left for the airport.

  Rather than drive around, Samantha decided to take Jessica home and talk to her in the car. Her daughter’s phone call to Nick earlier in the morning indicated he would be there waiting for her.

  Once they reached the driveway Samantha set the brake, but she didn’t turn off the motor. They needed heat.

  “Darling? Before you go in, I want to tell you something about myself.” Her daughter’s expressive blue eyes flew to hers, alert to some nuance in Samantha’s voice. “Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the body’s plasma.”

  “You’ve got cancer?” In that moment her daughter seemed to fall apart.

  Samantha reached out and took hold of her hand. “It’s in remission now.”

  The tears gushed from her eyes. “What does that mean?”

  “It means that my transplant and chemotherapy worked. The cancer has been halted.”

  “You promise?” she cried, her voice throbbing.

  “I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  “Is it gone forever?”

  The zero hour had come. “I can’t promise that. For some people, it never comes back. I’m hoping I’m one of those people, but no one knows for sure.”

  Jessica was trembling. “But you don’t have it now?”

  “No, darling.”

  Her daughter looked at her as if she didn’t believe her. Samantha reached out and pulled her into her arms. “I swear I’m not sick right now,” she whispered into her red curls.

  Jessica was sobbing. Samantha continued to hold her. “You need to know I’m doing everything possible to keep it from coming back. I have too much to live for. I have a daughter to get to know. We were the hit at talent night, weren’t we?”

  Jessica wasn’t listening. Samantha let her cry it out. News like this, especially when it was your mother, took time to process. That’s what Jessica needed. Time, and possibly some professional help if she suffered too long.

  Finally she raised her head and sat back on her own side of the car. Her eyes seemed to take up her whole tear-ravaged face. “How did you know you had cancer?”

  “I got a pain in my ribs and had it checked out.”

  “When did it happen?”

  “A year ago last February.”

  “Was it awful?” she whispered in a shaky voice.

  “Yes.”

  “Were you supposed to die?”

  “Yes.”

  “But then you didn’t?”

  “No.”

  “How come?” She sounded like Cory just then.

  Samantha took a deep breath. “No one knows the answer to that. It could be because of a lot of reasons. I’d like to believe my body is good at fighting disease. I inject myself with medicine to keep the protein down, and I’ve been doing things to help me stay mentally and physically strong.”

  “Like what?”

  For the next few minutes Samantha told her about her martial arts and rowing classes, her meditation sessions, the qigong therapy.

  “You’ve done all that?”

  “All that.” Samantha nodded. “I have good friends who are also recovering. We do things together to stay positive.”

  “Is your friend Marilyn one of them?”

  The whole truth, Samantha. “She’s my best friend, and she’s still fighting her cancer.”

  Jessica looked sick. Her face went whiter. “When did you get better?”

  “About a month ago my blood test showed my protein level was back to normal.”

  Samantha watched as her daughter continued to digest everything in her mind. Suddenly she cried, “Oh my gosh! You’re going to be late for your plane! Pop the trunk so I can get my things!”

  Before Samantha could tell her not to worry about the time, Jessica scrambled from the car. “Thanks for everything, Mom!” she said before hurrying around to the rear end.

  Nick must have been watching from the window because he came out of the front door with a solemn expression that gave his rugged features a slightly chiseled look.

  Just as Samantha slid from the driver’s seat to help, Jessica darted toward the house juggling two pans, her suitcase and her sleeping bag. She whipped past her father as if he weren’t standing there, and disappeared into the house.

  Their eyes met. Nick looked ill. Samantha’s heart almost failed her as he stepped over to the car. “What do you want me to do? Shall I stay or go?”

  He closed the trunk. “Go.”

  Samantha had never felt so helpless in her life.

  “I HATE MY MOTHER, Dad! I never want to see her again!”

  While Nick had waited for the endless weekend to be over, he’d imagined every reaction from his daughter but this one.

  He’d honestly thought she would say that she wanted to live with Sam from here on out because no one knew how much longer her mother had before the cancer might come back.

  For the last thirty-six hours he’d been searching his soul to see if he had what it took to let his daughter go if that was her deepest desire. The thought of shared custody greatly pained him, but Jessica had to come first here.

  He’d assumed there would be the inevitable side effect of Jessica fearing she might get cancer, too, since she was Sam’s daughter. So many worries had bombarded him.

  Yet this strange reaction was something he hadn’t considered when he’d made up his list of possible traumatic scenarios. Naturally her emotions were violent at the moment. He’d expected that. But he hadn’t imagined that his daughter could say she hated Sam and didn’t want to see her again.

  That didn’t make any sense to him, unless she was more his child than he’d realized. He thought of last Friday night, when Pierce had asked him if anger over his parents’ death had compounded his pain when Sam wouldn’t marry him.

  Perhaps Jessica couldn’t forgive Sam for not marrying him, thereby denying her the chance to live with a mother and father like all her friends. Perhaps that was where her anger was coming from.

  Nick was a scientist and he tried to look at this situation objectively. Some ingredient was missing in this experiment. Some essential element that would change the whole equation. He would have to be patient and work it again and again until he discovered what it was.

  He rubbed Jessica’s back while she sobbed her heart out on the bed. They’d been here many times before in their lives, each one seeming the darkest to his daughter. But this time was different.

  “She doesn’t love me, Dad.”

  Jessica sounded so heartbroken he was at a loss what to say. Since he patently knew that statement wasn’t true, all he could do was continue to watch and wait for the elusive piece of information to manifest itself.

  “I’m not going to Denver,” she declared. “I don’t want to meet my grandparents. Will you call her tonight and tell her for me?” Her question came out half muffled by the pillow.

  “Why didn’t you tell her that yourself while you were in the car?” Nick prodded.

  “There wasn’t time.”

  He didn’t buy that. “She would have stayed over another night.”

  “I didn’t want her to. I wanted her to leave.”

  After a long silence he said, “I’ll do whatever you want, honey.”

  “Thanks, Dad. I love you so much!” She sat up and hugged him hard enough to squeeze the air out
of his lungs. “I’m glad she’s gone. We’ll go back to being just the two of us. We never needed anybody else.”

  My adorable little liar. If Jessica could see her own glittering smile, the pain in her eyes.

  “Let’s drive to West Yellowstone and have an early dinner at the Lariat Hotel!” She rolled away from him and got off the bed. “I’ll pay with my baby-sitting money.” The same money she’d been going to use to pay for Sam’s hotel room two weeks ago?

  Nick made a path through his hair with his fingers while he watched her pull some bills from the top drawer of her dresser. She slid them in the pocket of her jeans.

  He knew agony drove his daughter’s abrupt movements. He had to do something to alleviate the worst of it. Maybe a drive was a good idea.

  “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

  “Great! Give me a sec.”

  While she headed for the bathroom, he grabbed his cell phone and jacket, then locked up the house.

  She joined him in the kitchen wearing her jacket. Together they walked out to the car and took off.

  He knew better than to ask about the party. All the joy his daughter had experienced with her mother over the weekend had been canceled out in the last hour by the news that Sam was a cancer survivor.

  Cancer…the terrible word. One many people in the twentieth century didn’t even dare say aloud. Some people thought if you had it, it meant you were bad in some way. The disease was shrouded in mystery. Nick’s own great-aunt hadn’t been able to talk about it; she’d referred to it as “that disease.”

  Jessica was a product of the twenty-first century, yet cancer still struck such fear in her heart, she couldn’t deal with it.

  At some point they would have to talk about it, but right now his daughter was like a trout in the Snake River. One minute the innocent thing had come up to the surface for a meal. In the next instant a hook had grabbed her by the throat. Going into survival mode, she was taking the line out as far it would go.

  Nick would have to reel her in, but with great care and skill, to make sure he could remove the hook without damaging her more than she already was.

  She broke the silence some time later on the outskirts of West Yellowstone. “How was your date with Gilly?”