To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  “I called it off.”

  “I thought you might.”

  He lifted one brow in surprise. “How come?”

  “If you’d wanted to take her out, you would have done it a long time ago. The only reason you went to lunch with her was to stop me from hoping you and Mom might get back together.”

  Good grief.

  “Admit that’s what you thought I would want, Dad. You were single. She hadn’t married. It was perfect.”

  The blood pounded in Nick’s ears.

  “But you don’t need to worry—I don’t have any big dream like that. Mom didn’t love you enough to marry you the first time, and she didn’t love me enough to bring me those albums before she got cancer.

  “She had to be dying to do that. Even then, it took her pastor to open up her conscience while she was lying in that hospital bed. It was his job not to let her die until he could tell her how to make things right with the baby she’d abandoned. He probably told my grandparents they’d better shape up, too, since they’re getting real close to dying.

  “Now I know what my Sunday school teacher meant about deathbed repentance. It doesn’t work because it’s too late. Mom is thirteen years too late to tell me she’s sorry,” his daughter declared, dry-eyed.

  The essential element had just surfaced. Nick’s patience had won out.

  He pulled off to the side of the road beneath some pines, where a couple of squirrels were playing, and turned to his daughter. Her profile could have been carved out of granite.

  “Jessica? Look at me.”

  When she complied, he barely recognized the hard veneer.

  “You’ve got everything right except for two things.”

  “What?” she retorted abruptly.

  “Her pastor didn’t visit her in the hospital. When he happened to stop by her condo, your mother was already in remission.”

  Jessica gave a little gasp and her chin started to quiver. The first sign of a crack.

  “When she told him she’d won her bout with cancer, he advised her that if she had anything left in her life to resolve, to do so. That it might make her so happy, her spirit would fight to keep her cancer from coming back. That’s when she called me. Would you like to hear what she wanted to say to the pastor?”

  His daughter slowly nodded.

  “‘I want to go back thirteen years to that hospital room and beg you to bring our daughter to me so we can be a family, Nick.”’

  Jessica bit her lip. “What did you tell her?”

  “That it was too late.”

  “What did she say then?”

  Nick would never forget. “Your mom said, ‘I know, but I had to take the risk. Thank you for not cutting me off. Tonight when you’re kissing your children, give Jessica an extra squeeze. She won’t know it’s from me, but I will.”

  Sam had said some other things too. Private things meant only for his ears.

  “For thirteen years your mother honored her promise to me to stay away, even though you and I both know it was the last thing she wanted to do.

  “When she realized she was going to die, she could have asked her parents to find me. She could have begged me to bring you to the hospital so she could look at you one time before she died. But she didn’t do that because she knew it would be utterly cruel and unfair to you.

  “It wasn’t until a miracle happened and she’d been given a second chance at life that the pastor’s words gave her the courage to approach me. Even though she knew it would be breaking the law, so to speak, that’s how strong her drive was—the drive of a mother wanting to be with her child.”

  Tears glistened in Jessica’s eyes, removing the last trace of the veneer that had made her look so foreign to him.

  “She didn’t seek you out simply to tell you she was sorry for giving you up, Jessica. She wants to be your mother in every sense of the word, but she can’t promise you she’ll live forever. Her greatest concern was that you know the truth about her medical history in case the disease comes back.”

  “Do you think it will?”

  Nick had asked himself that question too many times in the last few weeks. “No one knows the answer. We have to live by faith.”

  After a troubling silence, Jessica murmured, “Dad? I’m sorry if I hurt you when I said she didn’t love you enough to marry you. I didn’t mean it.”

  He reached out to tousle her curls. “I know you didn’t, honey. But it’s the one thing you said that is the truth. And I’m convinced the only reason she hasn’t married before now is because she has been grieving over you.”

  “Are you still in love with her?”

  He’d been waiting for that question. “No,” he said without hesitation. “I can’t be. Love has to be fed. The question is, do you want your mother as a permanent fixture in your life? She told you the truth about herself today so you could make up your mind once and for all. But Sam’s a big girl now. If you decide you only want to see her when you feel like it, she’ll understand. If you determine it would be too painful to continue the relationship with her, then she’s prepared to leave you alone. It’s up to you where things go from here.”

  “Honestly?”

  Nick thought he understood what she was really asking. Though it would kill him, it was up to him to help her out. “Honestly. Even if it means you would like to live with her for a while to make up for lost time.”

  “You would let me do that?” she cried.

  His gaze had returned to the road. “Whatever brings you the most happiness.”

  “Dad? Could we just get a hamburger and then head home? I want to call Mom. She should be at her condo by the time we get back to Moose.”

  Though Nick realized she would always harbor fear in terms of her mom’s ability to fight off cancer, it seemed Jessica’s fundamental concerns had been about a mother’s love. With everything straight in his daughter’s mind at last, there would be no stopping her.

  How was he going to handle it when she decided to move to Coeur D’Alene for a while? Nick’s chest felt as if a giant boulder was inside it, the kind that came crashing down the mountain when the earth suddenly shifted beneath the Grand Teton.

  IT WAS DARK by the time they reached the house. While Jessica rushed to her room to phone Sam, Nick closed the door to his bedroom to call Pierce on his cell phone. His friend picked up on the second ring.

  “Nick?”

  “Thank heaven you answered.”

  “I was expecting a call from you before now.”

  “Jessica and I have been to West Yellowstone and back.”

  “Then she’s in worse shape than I feared.”

  “For once you’re wrong. I’m afraid I’m the one falling apart here. Can you talk?”

  “As long as you want.”

  Without preamble Nick told him everything. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Jessica asks to move to her mom’s after Thanksgiving to finish out the school year there.”

  “Did Sam say anything about that?”

  “No. I’m reading between lines. But I know my daughter, Pierce. All the signs are there. She’s got big plans. That’s why I’m calling you. How would you feel if I took a leave of absence from the park until June?”

  He could almost hear his friend mulling everything over. “Are you thinking of transferring to another park on a temporary basis?”

  “You’re reading my mind. Great Smoky Mountains National Park is having a problem with the inroad of rainbows and browns on the brook trout. That’s one of my areas of expertise. I could work out a trade with another ranger who would live in my house, I’d live in his.”

  “You know I’d fix anything for you, Nick, but I think you’re jumping the gun here.”

  “Maybe. But if I’m right, I need to have a backup plan in place or I’m not going to make it.”

  “I hear you. I had my own backup plan when Cory was being so difficult. If he hadn’t learned to love Leslie, I would have been forced to move us to my parents’ house in Ashton.
” A deep sigh escaped his throat. “I tell you what. Tomorrow I’ll put out a feeler and see what happens.”

  “I knew I could count on you.”

  “For what it’s worth, I’m hoping you’re wrong about everything. Temporary or not, our whole family will be devastated if you and Jessica leave. To lose my best friend, even for a season…”

  “Now you know how I felt when you told me you might have no choice but to leave the park.”

  “Dad?”

  Nick got up from the bed. “I’ve got to go. Thanks for being there for me, Pierce. Talk to you tomorrow.” He hung up.

  “Come on in, honey.”

  The door opened. Jessica’s face was as alive as a bubbling Christmas tree light. “Mom’s on the phone. She wants to talk to you.”

  Steeling himself for what was coming, he reached for the receiver by the side of his bed. “Hello, Sam.”

  “Nick—” Every time she said his name in that breathless voice, it took him back thirteen years and nailed him to the spot. “Is Jessica on the phone with you?”

  His daughter was standing right next to him. “No.”

  “Then I’ll make this quick. Jessica seems to have taken the news better than I thought she would. Tell me the truth. Is it an act?”

  “No.”

  “Thank heaven,” she whispered. “Are you still all right about her coming to Denver for Thanksgiving?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll prepay her ticket and let you know the details of her flight in a few days.”

  “That’ll be fine.”

  “Nick?”

  “Yes?”

  “I understand you’ll be in Gillette with your cousins for the weekend, but Jessica is hoping you’ll meet us in Fort Collins on Saturday so we can show her around.”

  Sam’s suggestion that he join them in Colorado was such a far cry from his assumption that she wanted to discuss Jessica living with her, the shock of it staggered him.

  “She’s afraid to broach the subject for fear you’ll say no, so I told her I would ask you. From her viewpoint it’s understandable she would like to be with both of us when she sees where we once lived and dated. I realize it’s unorthodox, but since our relationship was unique, anyway, does it really matter? In order to satisfy our daughter’s curiosity, would you be interested in doing this for her sake? I’ve never been back. Have you?”

  He swallowed hard. “No.”

  “We could stay overnight at a hotel and drive to Denver on Sunday to catch our flights. Will you think about it and let me know?”

  Jessica was watching his face, studying his expression. If she’d put her mother up to this as some kind of test, and he said no, his daughter might think he hadn’t meant it when he’d told her he wasn’t in love with Sam.

  As for Sam, she would have seen through Jessica’s manipulations, but was in the unenviable position of not wanting to thwart their daughter in any way yet. Especially when Jessica had handled the news about her medical condition as well as she had.

  Nick understood that the reality of Sam being united with their daughter was still too new, too sweet and heady to start setting limits.

  But when the trip was over, the two of them would have to establish ground rules so Jessica wouldn’t be able to get away with this again.

  “I don’t have to think about it, Sam. The answer is yes. I’ll let you and Jessica make the arrangements. Here she is.” He handed his daughter the phone.

  He couldn’t tell if the smile Jessica flashed him was one of relief or of secret satisfaction. Maybe it was a combination of both. She was starting to remind him of the Sam who’d once beguiled him.

  He headed for the kitchen. Though he was craving a beer, he opted for cola. The last thing he wanted was for Jessica to see him drinking something stronger than soda and jump to the conclusion that he wasn’t as in control of his emotions as he pretended to be.

  But the minute he pulled it from the fridge and popped the lid, he realized he was allowing what his daughter might or might not think to manipulate him again. Hell—if he felt like a beer, he was going to have one.

  He set the can down with a jolt, spilling cola on the countertop.

  “What’s wrong, Dad?”

  Muttering under his breath, Nick wheeled around to discover his daughter in the entry dressed in a white gown and nightcap, like something from the pioneer days.

  “Do you like it?” She came all the way into the kitchen and modeled it for him. She looked charming, adorable.

  “I love it, honey.”

  “Mom had these made for us.”

  A vision of Sam in the same outfit ran through his mind, setting his pulse pounding without his permission. “I bet nobody’s sleepwear at the party was as original.”

  “Nope.”

  “How did the duet go over?”

  “Mom said we were sensational.”

  Nick could imagine. “Is that what you thought, too?”

  She nodded. “All the mothers wanted the recipe for the barbecued ribs and the cake. Mom wrote them out without needing to look anything up.”

  “Does that surprise you?”

  She grinned. “No. Mom’s amazing. She knows more stuff about environmental issues than anyone else. When everyone found out what she did for a living, they wouldn’t leave her alone.

  “She and Pam Royter’s mom got talking about the snowmobile problem in the parks. Mrs. Royter asked her to come and speak to the Wyoming Sierra Club meeting in Sheridan the weekend after Thanksgiving.”

  He took a swig of cola. “Your mother’s a busy attorney. I doubt she’d be able to get away for something like that unless it was planned months ahead of time.”

  “Mom said she would have come, but she has to be in Phoenix that weekend.”

  “Phoenix?”

  Jessica’s expression sobered. “Her best friend, Marilyn May, is recovering from breast cancer and is going in for another chemo treatment. She wants Mom to be there.”

  This time when he set the can down, cola burst out of it like an eruption from Old Faithful geyser.

  CHAPTER TEN

  SAMANTHA’S SENSE OF having done this before was so strong, her body felt weak as she, Jessica and Nick got out of the rental car and started walking around the corner to the Lory Student Center in Fort Collins.

  It was eight-thirty, not ten o’clock on a cold winter night. It was the Thanksgiving recess, not the end of exam week before Christmas vacation. But in all other ways, tonight was like the night when the word happiness had been erased from Samantha’s vocabulary.

  This was the painful part.

  Up until now the three of them had enjoyed driving around Fort Collins. They’d visited favorite old haunts—the schools Samantha had attended growing up, the building where her father had had his law firm, the Hilan Apartments, where Nick had lived. The campus building where he’d worked as a security guard, Samantha’s former home, her friends’ houses, the reservoir where they’d picnicked and water-skied. And made love.

  But her father had sold their family’s thirty-five-foot luxury cruiser when they’d moved to Denver. No evidence remained at the marina to remind her or Nick of those stolen hours of rapture in the bedroom of the cruiser her parents had never used. Only Jessica herself, the fruit of their union.

  “Where were you sitting when Mom dropped her books, Dad?”

  Samantha turned toward the spot where Nick was looking. A few students were studying, but the basement wasn’t as full as usual.

  He walked over to the table in question and put his hand on the empty chair. It probably wasn’t the same one, but it could have been.

  The only difference between then and now was the fact that Nick was thirteen years older, more attractive than ever in his sheepskin jacket, and Samantha was more in love with him than she’d thought possible. The pain of loving him and not being able to do anything about it was almost unbearable.

  Nick flicked his gaze to hers. His eyes weren’t as dark as a t
hunderhead or as silvery as a cloud’s lining. Their color was somewhere in between, which told her little about what he was really thinking. “I would say we’ve done it all.”

  “Except for our favorite dessert, I agree.”

  A smile twisted his mouth, making Samantha’s insides flutter as if a hummingbird were trying to escape. “Let’s go.”

  He drove them to the Cache-Poudre strip mall, where the name of the shop was different, but the ice cream was still the same—rich and velvety. The three of them ordered double fudge with marshmallow.

  Thanks to Jessica, the day had been spun out to its maximum length. Now it was time for everyone to go to bed. Samantha’s spirit rebelled, but there wasn’t anything she could do about it.

  Outside the hotel room mother and daughter shared, Jessica kissed her father good-night before running inside, claiming she was anxious to take a shower.

  Nick’s room was across the hall. To Samantha’s surprise, he lingered at the door. “She’s as transparent as glass.”

  Samantha chuckled softly. “You know what they say about a child’s dreams.”

  His eyes played over her features. He seemed to be looking for something that was eluding him. “It didn’t take much to make our world go round back then, did it?”

  A flood of emotions swamped her. “No. Those months were the happiest of my life.”

  “And mine.” His voice sounded husky. “What do you say we complete the picture for her? For old time’s sake,” he added. “Come here, Sam.”

  Suddenly her legs felt like mush. “I don’t think—”

  But that was as far as she got before he pulled her into his strong arms. “If you’ve forgotten how, don’t worry about it. You didn’t seem to have a problem the night I kissed you outside the center. I’m sure it’ll come back to you with a little practice.”

  “Nick—” she cried before his mouth closed over hers. At the first touch of his lips, a voluptuous warmth stole through her. She’d dreamed about this so many times, it seemed like an extension of her desires.

  Her mind had never forgotten anything about him. Neither had her mouth or body, which molded to his in the old, remembered way.