To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  It was a revelation to Samantha that a decade and more had gone by without any contact, yet here they were, embracing like young lovers who’d never been apart. But there was one difference. Nick was kissing her with more primitive force than she remembered, a kind of refined savagery that reminded her they weren’t kids anymore.

  She felt anger in his kiss, too. That was a new element.

  Only one person could have put it there. Pain and guilt over what she’d done to destroy their perfect love drove her to tear her lips from his.

  She lowered her head, afraid to look into his eyes and read the accusation there. “Thank you for a wonderful day, Nick. Good night.”

  Relieved to go inside the room and shut the door, she lay against it while she attempted to catch her breath. She had an idea Jessica had been a spectator, but her daughter knew how to be discreet and was giving her the space she needed.

  On Thanksgiving night Samantha’s mother hadn’t been as subtle. “You’re still in love with Nick, aren’t you,” she’d said.

  “Yes.”

  “Is there any chance…?”

  “No, Mom. No chance at all. You don’t do what I did to Nick and expect him to go on loving me.”

  Today’s visit to Fort Collins had been the result of Jessica’s manipulations. They may have taken a walk through the past for their daughter’s sake, but that kiss at the door had been for Samantha’s sake. Nick’s way of letting her know she’d ruined something so precious they could never get it back.

  “But after all this time he’s still single, honey. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”

  “Yes. That he has devoted his life to Jessica and his career. And obviously he has forgiven me enough to let me have a relationship with our daughter. Her happiness is the most important thing to him. But Nick’s still young, Mom. Only thirty-three. Some men don’t marry until their thirties or forties. One of these days, when the time is right, he’ll fall hard for a woman, maybe even start another family. But he’ll make sure his daughter is happy and secure first.”

  There was a long silence before her mother said, “Did you speak to Nick about some sort of arrangement so Jessica can spend part of the year with you in Coeur D’Alene?”

  The minute she raised the subject, Samantha disabused her of the notion. “No, Mom. They’re too close. Jessica would never be happy away from her father except for a short holiday visit like the one we’re having now. No matter how much she loves me, Nick will always come first with her.”

  Nick was their daughter’s raison d’être. Her hero. Samantha could never be envious of that fact or resent it. Little did Jessica know he was Samantha’s raison d’être, too. He always would be.

  “One thing I’ve learned about Nick in the short time we’ve been together is that it would kill something inside him if he had to let her go for any length of time.”

  Her mother’s eyes grew dim. “Your father and I should have given our permission for you to marry him. We should have helped give you and Nick the best start possible, especially with Jessica on the way.”

  Samantha hugged her tightly. “Don’t do this to yourself. It’s not your fault. I would have married him if he’d ever talked about marriage before I told him we were going to have a baby. I didn’t want to end up like Brenda’s sister.”

  “We know now that you wouldn’t have,” her mother said with tears in her eyes. “Nick has been a superb father. Jessica’s such a marvelous girl. Your dad adores her.”

  “As I told you on the phone, Jessica’s a gift. I want to be worthy of her love and Nick’s trust. That’s why I’ll never take advantage of the situation.”

  “You’re as noble as Nick.”

  “No, Mom.”

  “Yes, and so courageous in ways that still astound me. I’m proud to be your mother. I love you, darling.”

  “I love you, too. Did you know Jessica’s already crazy about you? She’s convinced your genes are the reason she decided to join the newspaper staff.

  “I happen to know she’s going to read all those novels you’re sending home with her. She wants to be able to connect with you on your level. At the mother-and-daughter party, she bragged about her grandmother Bretton’s post-graduate degree in English literature. You would have loved it, Mom.”

  Their weekend had been glorious. On Friday Jessica had gone to the country club with her grandfather for lunch. Then he’d taken her downtown to his law firm to show her around—just the two of them.

  Friday night the whole family had visited with the great-grandparents, who’d come to Thanksgiving dinner the day before. The weekend had been a voyage of discovery for Jessica and a time of great happiness for the Bretton household.

  But Samantha’s happiness was marred by the day in Fort Collins spent with Jessica and Nick, which had turned bittersweet with one kiss. It had been the fitting end of a visit to where their great love affair had begun and flourished until Samantha had ruined everything.

  After today’s experience, she felt it was possible for them to be friends for Jessica’s sake.

  It was more than Sam could have ever hoped for. Therefore she had no right to be upset that tomorrow Jessica and her father would go back to the Tetons, and she wouldn’t be seeing them for another couple of weeks.

  Marilyn needed her in ways no one could understand unless they’d been fighting cancer, too. Samantha wanted, needed to be there for her friend, but already she felt the ache of separation from the two people she loved most in this world.

  A FRESH BLANKET OF SNOW had turned Jackson and the whole Teton range into a fairyland. Before Nick did anything else, he had to clean a ton of white stuff off the Xtera sitting in the airport’s short-term parking area.

  Once they drove out to the connecting road, he noticed few cars were moving. The plows had yet to clear the highway.

  Halfway to Moose his cell phone went off.

  “I bet that’s Mom.”

  Nick’s heart raced at the mention of Sam. With the taste of her lips still fresh on his, he couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate. “It’s Pierce,” he said after checking his ID. His friend had amazing timing. Disappointment swept through him that it wasn’t Sam.

  “Oh.” Jessica sounded just as upset.

  “Her flight left Denver after ours, honey. She’ll call when she can.”

  He had no idea if Coeur D’Alene had been hit by the same storm. No doubt his daughter was picturing her mother knee-deep in snow with no one to help her. The hell of it was, since their plane had landed, that same picture had been emblazoned in Nick’s mind.

  For so many years he hadn’t known where Sam lived, and he’d long ago convinced himself he didn’t care. Now that he did know where to find her, he still shouldn’t care and it still shouldn’t matter. Not after the way she’d abruptly broken off that kiss—a kiss he’d needed so badly, he’d risked everything for it.

  He was damn sure she hadn’t given him a second thought after waving them off at the airport with a cheery goodbye!

  For Jessica’s sake she’d walked through that doorway to the past with him yesterday. During the long, excruciatingly painful ordeal, she’d exhibited a sang-froid he would have given anything to possess.

  Such composure, feigned or real, had to be dynamite in the courtroom. The opposition wouldn’t know what was going on in her head.

  Nick clicked on after the fourth ring and said hello.

  “Uh-oh. The trip to Fort Collins should never have happened.”

  Nick gritted his teeth “You’ve got that right.”

  “Where are you?”

  “Eight minutes from home.”

  “Why don’t you and Jess stop by our house first? Because of the storm, Leslie’s sister and her family decided to fly back east tomorrow. The kids would love it if Jess came over. While they’re playing in the snow, you and I can talk. Much as the selfish part of me doesn’t want to tell you this, the feeler I put out has produced results if you’re still interested.”

>   “More than ever.”

  “That’s what I was afraid of,” his friend muttered.

  “See you in five. Thanks.” He hung up.

  Jessica regarded him with curious eyes. “What’s going on?”

  “Pierce wants us to drop by on our way home. Leslie’s family won’t be going back to New Jersey for another day. Cory needs you to help him and his cousins build a snowman.”

  She studied him closely. “You and Pierce were talking about something else.”

  Her radar was lethal. “It’s just ranger business, honey.”

  “What kind?” she persisted.

  Might as well lay the groundwork now. “Remember a few years ago when I recommended keeping minimum flows instream for cutthroat trout habitat? To make sure they didn’t get on the endangered species list?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Well, there’s a ranger like myself working in Great Smoky Mountains National Park who’s having problems because there’s an inroad of non-native trout endangering the brook trout. Since the plan I instigated seems to be working, maybe I can help him out.”

  “Clear back in Tennessee?”

  Yup. Clear back and far away from your mother. New scenery. New people. New women.

  Nick expelled the breath he’d been holding. After kissing Sam, after feeling her warm, curvy body in his arms again, the idea that any other woman could fulfill him wasn’t in the realm of possibility.

  “Would you have to go there?”

  Jessica displayed curiosity, not anxiety. Since Sam’s appearance, a monumental change had come over his daughter.

  “I couldn’t do much good from here. Assessing the impact and extent of a species invasion requires hands-on experience before coming up with a solution. I’d have to determine how many of what species are present in the water, what habitats they occupy and what they eat, their rate of propagation and so forth.”

  “How long do you think it would take?”

  “That’s hard to say. Six months maybe?” At this point he was swimming in deep waters.

  “When would you have to go?”

  Nick paused. “That all depends on you.”

  Her eyes widened. “I’m ready whenever you are. It would be cool to go to school in Tennessee. I’ve never been there.”

  Nick almost lost control of the car. “What about your mother?”

  “She’ll fly out to see me on weekends and holidays, so it doesn’t matter where I am.”

  Until she wants you with her for longer than a few days at a time.

  They’d just pulled into the Gallaghers’ driveway. Pierce had already cleared it with the snow blower and was now working on a path to the front door.

  Cory left the big ball of snow he was rolling with his cousins, and came running over to the car, with Lucy in pursuit.

  Maybe Pierce was right and Nick had jumped the gun on this one, but these were early days yet. Who knew how things would change once Sam got back from Phoenix?

  “Honey? Don’t mention this to anyone yet. I’m only toying with the idea.”

  “I won’t. Does that mean you don’t want Mom to know, either?”

  Naturally, a mother was different.

  “I would never presume to tell you what to discuss with her.”

  Jessica leaned over to kiss his cheek, then opened the door and jumped out. Whatever was on her mind, she didn’t intend to share it with him. Nick watched the other children drag her through the snow. Their shrieks of excitement resounded in his aching heart.

  “TEN DAYS SINCE THE CHEMO and you’re sitting around the pool eating watermelon. I think you’re a fraud, Marilyn May.”

  Samantha’s friend smiled from her chair beneath the umbrella. “The nausea’s gone.”

  “What about the weakness?”

  “I’m feeling stronger today. Maybe not quite enough for rowing.”

  “Come spring and you will be.”

  Marilyn stared hard at her. “I’ve decided to stay in Phoenix and work at a pharmacy here, but you’re the first person I’m telling.”

  Samantha had seen it coming. “Your family’s going to be overjoyed.”

  She nodded. “Knowing you’ve united with your daughter makes me realize we have to take advantage of these second chances we’ve been given. I’ve lived away from home long enough.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” Samantha whispered.

  “I’ll miss you, too, but there’s always the phone and weekend visits.” Her friend studied her closely for a moment. “Something’s going on with you, Samantha. I’ve sensed it for a couple of days. Don’t hold back on me because you think I’m too sick. I’m not, and even if I were, it wouldn’t matter. We’ve been through too much together to keep secrets.”

  The tears Samantha had been suppressing ran down her cheeks. “Oh, Marilyn. I’m so afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  In a burst of emotion, she told her about the trip to Fort Collins and Nick’s fiery kiss at the door. “Now he’s thinking of transferring to Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee.”

  Marilyn blinked. “When?”

  She wiped the moisture off her face. “Soon, I think.”

  “How long have you known about this?”

  “Since the night I called Jessica to make sure she got home from Denver safe and sound.”

  “This has been on your mind for almost two weeks and you never said anything about it until now? Shame on you,” Marilyn chastised her, but she said it with all the affection in the world.

  “I couldn’t do that to you.”

  “Well, I’m well enough now, so tell me—did Jessica say he’d been thinking about it for a long time, or did it come out after kissing you?”

  “I don’t honestly know. But I’m sure the idea of leaving the Tetons never entered his head until I came along and destroyed the beautiful world he’d created for him and Jessica.”

  “You know better than that, Samantha Bretton. As you’ve told me so many times, he’s a scientist who never acts impulsively. He considers all the possibilities first before carefully making a move. There’s no way he would have told his daughter you wanted to meet her if he hadn’t thought it all through first and decided it was for the best. He knew the risk he was facing, and he took it.

  “Sounds like he decided to take another risk and kiss you to see if the old fire was still there.” She cocked her head. “Was it?”

  “You know it was! I couldn’t believe I was back in his arms again, but the longer the kiss went on, the more I could feel an edge to it.”

  “Hunger, you mean? Longing for what you took away from him?”

  “No, Marilyn. It was anger.”

  Her friend’s eyes trapped hers. “Are you sure? Or are you just assuming everything, like you’ve always done?”

  “I don’t think so. Otherwise why would he be ready to pull up roots and move to the other side of the continent?”

  “What did Jessica tell you, exactly?”

  “That another ranger hasn’t been able to solve a problem with the native fish being eradicated. They need someone with Nick’s expertise to go there and help. It could take six months.”

  “Then it’s just a temporary thing.”

  Samantha shook her head. “No, it isn’t. Nick might have told Jessica that to pacify her, but I know what it means. For once his nobility has backfired on him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? He isn’t as ready to share Jessica with me as he thought he was,” she cried in pain. “I never meant to cause all this trouble, Marilyn. Now I don’t know what to do.

  “Jessica assumes I’ll fly out to Tennessee to be with her every weekend. You should hear the plans she’s made. Yet that’s exactly what Nick is hoping to avoid by moving so far away. I’m sure he’s thinking along the lines of a once-a-month visit.

  “So far he’s been civil to me, but if I try to satisfy my daughter’s wishes, he’ll end up despising me, and could stop the
visits altogether. The trouble is, if I don’t fly out there every Friday night, Jessica’s going to think I didn’t mean it when I told her she was my life.”

  “You’re jumping to conclusions. In the first place, he hasn’t gone anywhere yet. And if he does, it could be a case of him really being needed for a temporary period. It’s possible the decision has nothing at all to do with you. He might even welcome your help if he has to work long hours on the weekends, too, and doesn’t know people he can trust to be with Jessica.”

  “Possible, but not probable, Marilyn. This was no coincidence. Nick loves the Tetons. He and Pierce Gallagher are close, like you and me. It’s where he has made his home with Jessica. Nothing in the world except a threat to his happiness could make him leave paradise, because that’s what it is.”

  She buried her face in her hands. “I’ve posed an enormous threat, and now I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “Don’t do anything. Haven’t you and I both learned that after we’ve done all we can do, the rest is up to providence? Leave it alone for now. You act as if you’re guilty of something.”

  At that remark Samantha’s head came up. “What do you mean?”

  “Jessica came into this world because two people loved each other. You behave as if you’re the one wholly responsible for everything that happened.”

  “I am, Marilyn.” Her voice hardened. “I’m the one who lied to Nick. I’m the one who begged him to make love to me.”

  “I knew it!” Marilyn sat forward. “You’re still stuck in that old groove. Listen to yourself! You talk as if Nick didn’t have a say in the matter. What is it going to take to convince you he could have told you no? This paragon you’ve put on a pedestal had a weakness. It was you! As far as I’m concerned it’s still you. Why else would he have put his heart on the line once again to kiss you outside your hotel room door? So help me, Samantha, if you tell me you’re to blame for that, then I’m going to pick you up and throw you in the pool!”

  The idea that Marilyn would try it in her condition was so ludicrous, Samantha started to laugh.

  Her friend grinned. “What do you know. I think we’ve achieved a breakthrough.”