To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  “Of sorts,” Samantha conceded. “I’ll admit I didn’t put a gun to his head.”

  “All right—we’re making progress. Now let’s take that thought a little further. No gun was pointed at his head when he told Jessica you were trying to make contact with her.”

  She sucked in her breath. “Agreed.”

  “In other words, he acted as a free agent where the most important decisions of his life were concerned.”

  “You’ve got me there, counselor.”

  “So… it makes no sense that he suddenly wants to zap himself and Jessica to the other end of the universe unless he’s falling in love with you all over again. Be honest with me. You’re the one who stopped kissing him before he was ready to let you go, right?”

  Samantha bit her lip. “Yes.”

  “Which means you were exhibiting perfect Bretton form.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know exactly what I mean. The same Bretton form he remembered in that hospital room. A woman without an Achilles’ heel.”

  Samantha averted her eyes.

  “I realize that sounded cruel,” Marilyn murmured. “I only said it because I love you like a sister. Don’t you know I want you to see the situation for what it might be? But you can’t do that without taking off the blinders. I thought it was time I helped you do that.”

  “And I thought I was here to help you.”

  ON FRIDAY AFTERNOON Nick trained his binoculars on two skiers he’d sighted above the Gros Ventre Campground area. The only way they could be on that slope was if they’d been airlifted in by helicopter earlier in the day. He’d climbed from his truck and walked to the spot where it would land to pick them up.

  Last winter a law had been passed limiting forest service commercial helicopter permits so there’d be no overflights of the Teton range. The wolverine and lynx populations used this portion of the high mountain territory for denning.

  Somebody had deliberately broken the rules. He would wait until the helicopter landed to pick them up, then issue a citation before informing the forest service the pilot in question needed to be fired.

  While he was reporting the incident to headquarters, another call came in on his cell phone. It was Jessica. The bus must have just dropped her off from school. No doubt Sam had arrived from Phoenix and his daughter was calling to tell him their plans.

  This was the weekend he’d been worried about. By the end of it, he would probably hear that she’d decided to live with her mom for a while. Nick had had no appetite for several days now.

  He rang off with Sally, who would leave the information on Pierce’s desk, then he phoned Jessica. “Hi, honey.”

  “Hi.”

  Such a dull, lifeless voice when he was expecting exuberance warned him something had gone wrong. “What’s the matter?”

  “There was a bomb threat at the Phoenix airport. It could be a terrorist thing. No planes can fly in or out. Mom went back to Marilyn’s house to wait.”

  His eyes closed tightly. “Is your mother all right?”

  “Yes, but she doesn’t think she can fly out until tomorrow, and she said she really has to get back to Coeur D’Alene after being gone from work this long. S-so it looks like I’m not going to get to see her until next weekend.”

  He could tell Jessica was fighting not to break into tears. Unfortunately, he could hear the helicopter in the distance.

  “I’m sorry, honey. Why don’t you go over to Cory’s and wait for me? I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

  “How long?”

  “Six o’clock?”

  “That’s too long. Hurry, Dad.”

  “I promise, honey.”

  After he hung up, he phoned Leslie. To his relief she was home. When he explained the situation, she said she would take care of everything. No sooner had they quit talking than the helicopter touched down.

  Nick made his approach. He told the pilot to shut off the motor and climb out.

  “Cut me some slack, will ya? My buddies are just having a little fun away from work for a couple of hours.”

  “That little fun may have cost the lives of several animals this park is supposed to protect. If enough guys like you have their way, there won’t be a park one day. Let’s see your ID.”

  “You’re really going to write us up?”

  “That’s right.”

  By this time the other two men, probably in their late twenties, had approached on their skis.

  Nick shook his head. “You guys know better. You’ve violated the National Environmental Policy and Forestry Management Acts. I need to see your ID.”

  Unlike the pilot, they didn’t say anything as he issued their citations. He gave each of them a copy, then tipped his hat. “See you in court.” He waited until the copter was airborne before heading back down the mountain to his truck.

  There’d been quite a few incidents with heli-skiers and snowmobilers already this winter. Because the park didn’t have the funds to hire an attorney who could prosecute these cases to the full extent of the law, guys like this probably wouldn’t lose their jobs. Worse, they’d be back again, knowing the law lacked the teeth to do any lasting damage to them.

  At quarter to six Jessica phoned him again. She’d been at Leslie’s, and now was home waiting for him. Five minutes later he pulled into the garage expecting she would come running. Instead he found her dry-eyed in the kitchen making dinner. Something had changed since Sam had phoned her earlier.

  “Those tacos smell delicious. I’ll join you in a minute.” After freshening up, he hurried back to the kitchen and helped her put everything on the table.

  “Is the airport still closed?”

  “No. Just before you drove in, Mom phoned to tell me she’s going to get a flight to Coeur D’Alene tonight.”

  “I’m sorry, honey. I know how much you were counting on seeing her.”

  She nodded. “Dad?”

  He knew what was coming next. She was going to ask if she could fly to Coeur D’Alene in the morning to be with her.

  “Yes?”

  “When Cory asked me why I was crying and I told him, he said, ‘Why don’t you ask her to be your nanny?”’

  What? “Honey—”

  “I knew you’d say that, but I bet Mom would do it. Then it wouldn’t matter if we had to go to Tennessee.”

  He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Did you mention this to your mother on the phone?”

  “No. I was waiting for you to get home so we could talk about it first.”

  “Jessica—aside from the fact that it just wouldn’t work, your mother has a career she can’t walk away from.”

  “She could be an attorney here or in Tennessee.”

  Good grief. He should never have mentioned transferring. It seemed to have given her ideas. “It isn’t that simple, honey.”

  “But what if she said yes? I think Cory had a great idea.”

  Nick pushed himself away from the table and got to his feet. “Cory’s a six-year-old boy who needed someone to look after him while Pierce was at work. Leslie answered the ad in response to that need. Our situation isn’t the same thing at all.”

  “Yes it is. You always tell me I need someone to look after me while you’re at work. And Mom’s my mom!”

  Nick eyed his daughter. “You’re grown up enough to understand why your mother couldn’t live in the same house with us.”

  After the way Sam had torn her mouth from his the other night, she wouldn’t put herself in the position of letting it happen again. As for Nick, he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t reach for her whenever she was around. That’s what was killing him. She was his sickness. An addiction.

  “I didn’t mean in the same house, Dad. If she stayed at Grayson’s the way Leslie did before she married Pierce, wouldn’t that be all right?”

  “No, honey.”

  “Why?”

  “Because this is our world, not hers. She has her own life, her own friends. I’m sure s
he has a fabulous condo. You saw your grandparents’ home and know the kind of background she comes from. To live here would be giving all of that up. It isn’t realistic to even consider the possibility, honey.”

  “She said I was her life. What if she were willing to move here for my sake?”

  “No matter how much she loves you, I can promise you she wouldn’t do it. Trust me on this.”

  Her cheeks splotched with color, Jessica jumped up from the table. “You hate her, don’t you. I bet you wish she had died.”

  In all these years Jessica had never talked to him this way. “You know better than that.”

  “If I could live with her, I would!”

  He quaked inside. “Has she asked you?”

  “No. She said she never would because I belonged with you and it would hurt both of us too much to be apart from each other.”

  Nick stood there planted to the floor long after Jessica ran to her room, sobbing.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  DUE TO HER EXERCISE and meditation class after work, Samantha didn’t get back to her apartment until nine Monday night. She’d needed that time to get herself centered again.

  Not only had it been difficult to tell Jessica she couldn’t see her until the weekend, Samantha had a doctor’s appointment at eight-thirty in the morning. He would draw blood for her first test since she’d gone into remission.

  She wouldn’t be human if there wasn’t a part of her that feared her protein level had gone up again. But the mental and physical discipline she worked on to keep herself in positive mode had taken hold.

  After her shower she climbed into bed with a new brief to study. Three pages into it the phone rang. It was her parents calling to wish her good luck at the doctor’s in the morning. They’d offered to fly to Coeur D’Alene and go with her, but she’d assured them this was routine and she was fine.

  Deep down inside, she admitted that the idea of their coming would somehow place more importance on the appointment than was warranted. Marilyn had agreed that Samantha would be better off to treat this like she would a trip to the dentist.

  After she’d studied another fifteen minutes, the phone rang again. She checked the caller ID. It was Nick’s call. Suddenly, her chest felt tight.

  “H-hello?” she stammered. How incredible that just knowing he was on the other end made her as nervous and excited as a schoolgirl.

  “Hi, Sam. Forgive me for phoning so late, but there’s something important I need to discuss with you. If this isn’t a good time, let me know what time we can talk tomorrow.”

  “Anytime is a good time if you need to get in touch with me. Go ahead.”

  “When did you last speak to Jessica?”

  “Last night about seven. She called me from her friend’s house.” Samantha slid out of bed, unable to lie still. “What’s wrong?”

  “Jessica didn’t go to school today. She woke up with a stomachache, so I stayed home with her. Tonight she told me she knows she’s too sick to go to school tomorrow.”

  Samantha pressed a hand over her heart. “It’s because I couldn’t come last weekend, isn’t it. I could hear her disappointment, but by the time the planes were flying again, I had to get back for a case I’ve been working on.”

  “You had no control over that bomb alert,” he stated tensely. “Jessica knows that.”

  “It still doesn’t make the news any easier to bear. I promised her I would come this Friday and spend the weekend. Do you want me to call her tonight and reassure her? I would have done that, but I barely got back from my exercise class and was afraid you might not want me disturbing you.”

  “Aren’t we past the point where you need to worry about my reaction to your dealings with her?” he said.

  “No, Nick. I want to operate by your rules. You’re Jessica’s father.”

  “You’re her mother,” he retorted. “That gives you rights, even if it means phoning her in the middle of the night if you deem it necessary.”

  When Nick sounded this upset, she had difficulty reading between the lines. “Tell me, what’s wrong?”

  He gave a muffled exclamation—whether of pain or exasperation, she couldn’t tell. Probably both. “Over the weekend Cory put it in her head you could be her new nanny.”

  An incredulous laugh escaped Samantha’s throat and tears welled in her eyes. Dear, darling, adorable Cory.

  “My reaction exactly. The idea is ludicrous! But she doesn’t really get that, so I’ve tried to explain in terms she’ll understand. I’m forewarning you now so you’ll be forearmed when you get here on Friday.”

  “Nick—”

  “I credited our daughter with being more mature,” he stated, “but she’s still a child with a child’s propensity for seeing only what she wants.”

  “Nick.” She cut him off before he could say anything else. “You’ve misunderstood my reaction.”

  Marilyn’s observation had been all Samantha had been able to think about since she’d left Phoenix.

  If Samantha had let nature take its course that evening at the hotel, would there have been a different outcome? Would Nick have admitted that he was still in love with her, too? By halting that kiss, she might have sabotaged a second chance at happiness because of another false assumption.

  Maybe it still wasn’t too late to correct the damage. She had nothing to lose.

  Taking another huge risk, she said, “I think Cory’s suggestion is absolutely brilliant.”

  Nick’s gasp of shocked surprise was everything she could have hoped for, and more.

  “I knew I loved that little boy. Now I know why.” She wiped her eyes. “Since the moment my secretary told me Jessica was on the phone and I realized you’d told her I wanted to meet her, I’ve dreamed of living and practicing law in Jackson Hole so I could be near her.

  “Because I deal with wildlife issues, I’ve taken the bar exam to practice in four Western states, one of them being Wyoming. My boss at the federation is aware of my situation and is already prepared that I might leave Idaho if it means being in closer proximity to our daughter.

  “Cory might just as well have pulled the idea right out of my heart. But if you’re planning to transfer to Tennessee and live there, then there’s no point in this discussion, so—”

  “I’m not going to Tennessee,” he interrupted her. Now it was her turn to let out a quiet gasp. “I was only considering the possibility because I believed you were intending to ask Jessica to live with you for the rest of the school year. It…seemed a good idea at the time.”

  Samantha’s instincts had proved correct. Nick couldn’t handle the thought of being without his daughter. Their bond was too great. In his pain, he’d thought a change of scene would help him to deal with their separation, if it came to that.

  “I’m sorry if I caused you any worry. Let me make it clear once and for all that I have no desire to disrupt the life you’ve made with Jessica. She would never want to live with me if it meant being away from you. She worships the ground you walk on, Nick.” So do I.

  “Sam—”

  “Don’t say it!” she cried as her fears took over once again. “I know what I want is asking the impossible. You said it on the phone the first time—it’s too late. You’ve made your own wonderful life with Jessica. I may be her mother, but I don’t have the right to come along and rip apart everything you’ve created.

  “Please be assured I would never have made the suggestion to you or Jessica about moving to Jackson. It’s only because you told me what Cory said that we’re having this particular conversation. It’ll remain our secret.

  “Please Nick—be honest with me. I need to know what you really want in terms of my seeing Jessica. I’ll accept and be grateful for whatever you decide.”

  While she waited for his answer, perspiration broke out on her body.

  “What I want is for our daughter to be happy,” he said at last. “She has let me know in the most graphic of ways that she wants you around all the time. A
nything short of that won’t satisfy her.

  “Since you want to be with her every bit as badly, and it would be asking too much of you to commute back and forth, I have no problem with you moving to Jackson.”

  Samantha had to hold the phone away for a moment so he wouldn’t hear her cry of joy. He had forgiven her. And maybe Marilyn was right. Maybe he wanted her in his life again.

  When she’d gathered her composure she said, “After you get off the phone, will you tell Jessica that when I come on Friday we’ll look through the real estate listings together? On Saturday she can help me go house hunting. I—if you could join us, we’d love your input.”

  She could almost hear his mind mulling over the suggestion. “Provided there are no emergencies, I’ll be there.” She hugged her free arm to her waist for joy.

  After another pause, he added, “I must say you’ve come up with a novel cure for Jessica’s stomachache. There’s no doubt in my mind it will do the trick. Good night, Sam.”

  “Good night,” she whispered.

  On Friday morning she called the doctor from her office to find out the results of her test. The nurse put her on hold for a minute, then came back. “Everything’s normal.”

  “Thank you.”

  It seemed the pastor’s words were prophetic. Matters of the heart have a strange and powerful effect on the body’s ability to fight disease.

  ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON the Jackson Realtor walked Samantha and Leslie back to the living room of a charming two-story log home.

  “One of the features I find most attractive about this house is the glassed-in deck,” the man said. “Even if it’s twenty degrees below zero outside, you can sit in the hot tub and look at the Tetons in total comfort. In summer, you can remove the windows and enjoy an open deck.”

  There were many wonderful aspects to the house, not the least of which was the loft, where an enchanted Cory leaned over the balcony and waved to them. He and Jessica had gone upstairs to explore, and had never come down.

  “I’ll be outside if you need me,” the Realtor added.

  “What do you think?” Samantha asked Leslie when they were alone.