To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  “I was just going to say the same thing to you. Call me tomorrow and give me the latest chapter and verse.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  The second Samantha hung up the phone she heard, “Honey?” When she turned, she saw both her parents standing in the doorway of her bedroom.

  She could sense a certain tension coming from them she hadn’t felt when she’d first walked into the house. Her adrenaline surged. “What’s wrong?” she cried in alarm. “Has something happened to Jessica or Nick?”

  “They’re fine,” her mother assured her. “While you were on the phone, your cell phone went off. We thought it was probably Jessica calling from school to see if you were back from Cheyenne yet, but it was Dr. Blake.”

  Dr. Blake?

  A cold sweat broke out over her body.

  “Apparently he was on vacation when you phoned to get the results of your last blood test. Whoever gave you the information was reading from the first results.”

  Samantha’s stomach lurched.

  “While he was reviewing your chart today, he noticed the latest results weren’t in, so he called the lab. For some reason, those results never reached his office. He says these things happen, but it’s very rare.

  “Anyway, he’s calling the lab at the hospital here in Jackson to arrange for the blood work. If possible, he’s going to see if they’ll fit you in before closing today. He said to give it fifteen minutes, then phone over there to find out.”

  Oh no.

  Her father smiled. “You’re going to be fine, honey.”

  Her mother walked over and put her arms around her. “You’ve felt marvelous for several months and have never looked more beautiful. Don’t worry about another routine blood test, darling. Too many miraculous things have happened for your happiness to be taken away now.”

  Samantha loved her parents. They’d always been positive about her illness. Her fight had been their fight. But this time things were different. The stakes were too high—she had everything to live for.

  She eased away from her mother. “I don’t know about that, Mom. All I asked was to see my daughter again so I could tell her how much I love her. That wish has been granted and much more.

  “The mistake at the lab is probably a sign that I went too far when I wanted Nick, too. Maybe—” Her voice broke.

  “Samantha Bretton!” Her father spoke to her as he had when she was a little girl who didn’t want to get back on her bike after she’d fallen. “Over two months ago you were given a clean bill of health. That hasn’t changed, and it isn’t going to.

  “Call the lab. If they’re ready for you, we’ll drive you over and wait for you. The number is on the pad in your office. Let’s go.”

  Her limbs felt like lead as she followed them down the hall. Each time in the past she’d been able to call on the reserve of faith deep inside to get her through the blackest periods.

  But that was before she’d accomplished what needed to be done. Now that she’d had the reunion with her daughter, did it mean she’d run out of blessings?

  When she reached for the phone, the answer came with full force. She could almost hear the pastor telling her to look upon her remission as permanent, and treat it as a rebirth.

  That was what she was going to do. What she had to do.

  “JESSICA? Over here!”

  Nick’s daughter had been walking toward the school bus with her friends. The second she heard her dad’s voice she came running to the car and got in.

  “Did Mom get the job?”

  “There was never any question about that, but now it’s official.”

  Pierce had called to tell him about the reverent ovation after Sam’s eloquent speech. Between her conviction that it was a sacred duty to protect wildlife, plus her statement that she was a recovering cancer patient, there hadn’t been a dry eye in the room. It had brought the members of the board to their feet.

  The news that she’d given Nick the credit for guiding her along her chosen path was a little present Pierce tacked on at the end of the conversation for him to savor. Though Jessica had already told Nick the same thing weeks ago, and he’d read the words for himself in Sam’s journal, hearing his best friend repeat them stirred his emotions more than ever.

  “Do you think she’s home yet?”

  “I’m sure of it. I thought we’d drive over and congratulate her.” Surprise her would be more like it. Nick didn’t care if her parents were still at the house. The desire to see Sam had turned into a burning need.

  Jessica didn’t know about the money her mother had anonymously donated to enable the park to always have an attorney in residence. One day when his daughter was older, he would let her know what a truly rare and remarkable woman Sam was.

  “There’s Grandpa’s car. They’re home!”

  He pulled in the driveway and they both got out. The blood pounded in his ears while he waited for Sam to answer the door.

  “Maybe they can’t hear the bell. Mom gave me a key so I could always let myself in.” Jessica got it out of her purse. After she’d unlocked it, they went inside. “Mom? Grandma?”

  Nick frowned. “Maybe they decided to grab a bite to eat in town. Let’s check the garage.”

  To his disappointment, the new green Pathfinder Sam had bought over the holidays was missing.

  “Heck. I’ll call Mom on my cell phone and we’ll drive wherever they are.” In a minute Jessica said, “I got her voice mail.”

  “She probably turned the phone off for her interview and forgot to turn it back on.”

  “I guess.”

  Nick heard a dejected Jessica leave a message for her mother to call back as soon as she could. After she hung up she said, “Dad? Can we go look for them? Maybe they’re at Shiver’s.”

  She was reading his mind. “Good idea. We’ll get a hamburger at the same time.”

  He purposely drove them on a circuitous route through the downtown area of Jackson in the hope of spotting Sam’s car, but there was no sign of it.

  “Grandpa said he wanted to get a sheepskin jacket like Mom’s before they flew back to Denver. Maybe she drove them over to Western Outfitters.”

  “That’s possible. We’ll see if we can spot them.”

  When that failed to produce results, he drove them to Shiver’s on East Broadway for a meal.

  “Let’s order takeout. Then we can eat on the way back to the house,” Jessica suggested.

  Nick agreed. He was as anxious as she was to find Sam.

  Ten minutes later they started down Broadway. Near Willow Street a couple of cars pulled out into the evening traffic from the parking area of St. John’s Medical Center. One of them was the latest model green Pathfinder.

  Nick’s blood turned to ice water.

  Jessica was busy eating her hamburger and hadn’t noticed. It was just as well, since he didn’t want to alarm her.

  To play it safe he stayed several car lengths behind, but there was no doubt it was Sam at the wheel. He’d caught the glint of red-gold in the dying rays of the winter sun before it had dipped below the horizon.

  Why had Sam gone to the hospital with her parents? Why hadn’t she told him that she had an appointment scheduled?

  Oh, no.

  Why now? Why today on the heels of her trip to Cheyenne? She’d accepted the job offer. It was official. She wouldn’t have followed through if there’d been any question she couldn’t do it because of failing health.

  Had the flight been too much for her? Had she been working too hard, trying to get settled, and reached the verge of exhaustion?

  He would never forget the entries in her journal, the descriptions of what her physical suffering had been like, not to mention her mental and emotional agony.

  “Dad? Don’t you want your hamburger?”

  “I’ll eat when we get to the house.”

  “What’s the matter? You look kind of sick.”

  Nothing escaped his daughter’s eagle eye. “Today I verified that
the moose had been poisoned.”

  “That’s awful. When you find out who did it, Mom’ll be able to prosecute them.”

  “I’m counting on it, honey.” I’m counting on living the rest of my life with her. I’m planning on us both living a long, long time.

  Nick followed Sam to her home. If she knew he’d been driving behind her, she showed no evidence of it. The garage door went up and the Pathfinder disappeared inside.

  Once again he and Jessica went up to the front door, but this time his daughter unlocked it and they entered the house without ringing the bell. “I’ll wait for you in the living room,” he said before she ran off to find her mother.

  He glanced around. Sam had Mrs. Bretton’s flair for decorating. The house reflected elegant taste without being ostentatious. He’d never guess she’d barely moved in. Paintings had been hung. She’d placed art books on shelves and tables next to pots of azaleas and poinsettias.

  Nick realized that Sam had never done anything in her life that he didn’t love except reject him in order not to trap him.

  What was the old saying? Set something free. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to lose.

  I was always yours, Sam. He’d never wanted to be set free. Now you’re back in my life, I’m going to keep what’s always been mine.

  “Hi, Nick. You remember my mom and dad, of course.”

  Sam’s steady voice sounded too in control for whatever she was hiding. He turned in her direction. She’d come into the room with her parents and Jessica. She made a sensational picture in a tailored green suit with a green-on-white print scarf. Professional, yet feminine.

  He shook their hands. “It’s good to see both of you again. You don’t seem any older.” It was the truth. “I find it hard to believe thirteen years have passed.”

  Nick saw pleading in their eyes, particularly in Mr. Bretton’s. They wanted and needed forgiveness for their role in keeping him and Sam apart.

  “Let’s agree to forgive the past,” Nick said.

  “You’ve grown into a wonderful man who has raised a beautiful daughter.” His voice shook. Not from age, but emotion. Something was wrong. Nick could feel it in every atom of his body. It was tearing him apart.

  He smiled at his daughter. “Jessica’s always been a joy.”

  “Of course she has,” Mrs. Bretton cried softly, hugging her granddaughter around her neck.

  He turned back to gaze at Sam, studying her features for any sign of distress. There was none. She was a master at hiding her feelings when she needed to. He wasn’t about to let her get away with it this time.

  “After the board concluded their meeting, Pierce called me. I hear congratulations are in order.”

  She nodded. “For better or worse, I’m the new park attorney.”

  What was she telling him? Was she talking about the job being more than she could handle? Was she talking about her health?

  “This calls for a celebration.” Nick stared at Jessica. “You won’t mind if I steal your mother for a little while, will you? Pierce and Leslie have planned a small surprise. I’ve been ordered by the chief to deliver her to their house, then I’ll bring her back.” He turned to Sam’s parents. “Is that all right with everyone?”

  “Of course,” Mrs. Bretton replied. “We’ll have loads of fun here, won’t we, Jessica?”

  As she nodded, her grandfather said, “You two go on. This is a red letter day for the park. We’ll watch out for our Jessie.”

  Our Jessie…

  Who would have ever dreamed up a scenario like this? One look in Sam’s eyes and Nick knew she was remembering another night long ago when her parents had dismissed any possibility of him marrying their daughter.

  “If you’ll get your coat, we’ll go.”

  Sam kissed her daughter’s cheek before leaving the room. Jessica walked him to the front door. “Have a good time, Dad.”

  “You can’t not have a good time at the Gallaghers.” He tousled her curls. In a moment Sam joined them, wearing a fitted black cashmere coat. She was so breathtaking, words failed him.

  “Let’s go.”

  They stepped outside. Though it was only a few minutes after six, it felt like midnight. He helped her into the car before going around to the driver’s side.

  Once they reached the main road leading to the park he said, “You didn’t sign on with the park anytime too soon. I’ve got a case you can dig your teeth into right now.”

  The conversation he intended to have with her couldn’t take place until after they’d reached their destination, so he’d decided to talk shop instead.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “A moose was accidentally exposed to poison meant for a coyote and it died. I traced the animal’s prints back to the source and delivered a citation to the ranch owner. He said I couldn’t prove anything, and even if I could, nobody would do anything about it because everybody knows coyotes are a nuisance.”

  “What kind of evidence do you have?”

  Nick spent the next few minutes giving her the gruesome details.

  “I’d say that man’s in bad trouble. From what you’ve told me, I’ll be able to prosecute his case as a felony under the Lacey Act. It carries heavy penalties including imprisonment and fines. When word of that gets out to the other ranchers in the area, it should make them wary.”

  “That case was just for starters. I’ve got more I need to tell you. One involves some guys I caught heli-skiing where the wolverines are denning. The other is a real problem. We’re still searching for the person who killed two large adult mule deer east of the Kelly Road.

  “I discovered them the other morning. They’d been killed for their trophy size antlers. One buck had been shot and his antlers removed. The other deer was dead, but its antlers were intact, probably because someone came by, causing the poachers to run away.”

  “That’s horrible.”

  He nodded. “Pierce has put out a bulletin through the Park Watch and Jackson Hole Crimestoppers. A five thousand dollar reward has been posted for information leading to an arrest.”

  Sam let out a heavy sigh. “Killing beautiful, gentle animals in cold blood for a wall trophy is one of the most appalling crimes I can think of.”

  Nick grimaced. “I agree. What’s worse, every time it happens, the gene pool for the mule deer population is diminished. As I said earlier, the park has needed someone like you in the worst way.”

  I need you in the worst way.

  “Fortunately, the funding is in place so there can be an advocate for wildlife for many years to come, no matter who it is,” she said in a quiet aside.

  Shut up, Sam. You’re terrifying me.

  “Didn’t we just pass the Gallaghers’?”

  “We’re not going to Pierce’s house.”

  Her head jerked toward him. “I thought you said they were having a little party.”

  “I lied.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  SAMANTHA had been right!

  There was a new aggressiveness, a kind of steely determination about him that reminded her of the old, confident Nick. After all the years of wishing she could be with him again, after all these weeks of suppressing her longings in front of him, was it possible he was finally going to let down his guard and tell her how he felt about her? She didn’t know how much longer she could stand the suspense.

  They’d driven to Nick’s house, straight into the garage. She heard the door close behind the car, isolating them from the world.

  “Why were you at the hospital earlier?”

  “How did you know I was there?”

  He shut off the motor. “I saw your car.”

  She was trying to read between the lines. Was it possible he was more frightened about her cancer coming back than he’d let on? Had he been putting on a brave front for Jessica, when all this time he was worried sick?

  Before she made too many assumptions that could be wrong, she got out of the car before he could come around and walked
through the kitchen to the living room.

  While she waited for him to say more, she took off her coat and placed it over a chair. In the shadowy light of one of the lamps he’d turned on, his features looked gaunt, his eyes bleak and pain-filled. He stood in the center of the room with his strong legs slightly apart, as if bracing himself.

  “I’m waiting for an answer.”

  Tell him the way it is, Samantha. The way it’s always going to be until the end.

  “A recovering cancer patient has to be checked and rechecked on a constant basis. You know that.”

  He folded his arms. “Not on the day she pulled off a coup that will benefit the park for a score of years to come. What changed after your plane landed at the airport in Jackson? Don’t insult my intelligence by telling me you had a standing appointment at St. John’s for five o’clock in the afternoon on today of all days.”

  She averted her eyes. “I’d just walked in the door when I received a call from my doctor in Coeur D’Alene. It seems the results of my last blood test never arrived at his office from the lab. The nurse who told me everything was normal had mistakenly read the first set of results. So he set things up here for me to have another test.”

  “But the first one indicated you were well, right?”

  Her heart came into her throat. “Yes.”

  “So the results of this test will reveal the same thing.”

  “Yes. I’m positive they will,” she said, wanting to assure him because the lines in his rugged face had grown more pronounced.

  “You wouldn’t lie to me. You haven’t been sick and didn’t tell anyone?”

  She shook her head. “I’ve never felt better.”

  There was a whiteness around his lips.

  Oh, Nick—

  “When will you know the results?” His words were terse, anxious.

  “They said it would take a few hours, then they’d inform the doctor. Because it’s so late in the day, I won’t hear before tomorrow.”

  His gray eyes glistened with tears. She moved toward him. Her whole body was trembling. “Don’t be afraid for me.”

  “How can I not be?”