To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  With one question, he’d bared his heart and soul to her.

  “Because this is going to be the state of my life from here on out. Blood tests and the wait for results. I’m convinced I was given a stay of execution long enough to get to know my daughter and assure her she had a mother who loved her and never wanted to give her up. I expect to live a long time.”

  “But some of the entries in your journal don’t—” His hands had formed fists.

  “What do you know about my journal?”

  His eyes studied her features. “I know everything. The day the movers came, I emptied the last box they brought in. Your journal was on the bottom. I read it from cover to cover. Every word.”

  She gasped and looked away. No wonder he was frightened. She’d held nothing back in those entries.

  “Don’t be angry with me. You took thirteen years of my life from me, Sam. I had every right to find out why. At least that’s what I told myself until I started reading about your pain. That’s when I began the journey through mine…”

  Her head swung back toward him. “What do you mean?” she asked in shock.

  “Do you have any idea of my self-loathing for not coming after you years ago? For not understanding your grief? Your guilt? For not lifting a finger to help you because my damnable pride got in the way?

  “In my rage I thought about finding you. For years I dreamed about walking into the library at Harvard where you were studying and dragging you out of there without giving a damn if I made a scene. I wanted you to pay for what you’d done to me.

  “I’m not the saint you’ve made me out to be, Sam.” He paced the floor, then stopped and threw his head back as if he were in the throes of agony.

  “I’ve committed the greatest crime a father could commit against his daughter. From the beginning I shut out all the questions Jessica wanted to ask about you before she could dare put voice to them. I was going to show you I didn’t need you, that Jessica didn’t need you.

  “It was easy. My anger over your rejection sustained me for the years I spent hiring one nanny after another. I must have gone through dozens of them.

  “Several of the eligible nannies would have made great wives and mothers. They were vocal and willing. But I wasn’t having any of that. Neither was Jessica, who was so jealous of every woman who came near, she made the perfect buffer.

  “There were lots of women along the way, women I met at work or through friends. Naturally, they hoped we would end up planning a wedding. I scoffed at the idea. Your refusal to fight for Jessica and me because you couldn’t trust me enough to love and care for you, had killed the desire for marriage on my part.”

  Samantha hugged her arms to her waist while she listened to the pain that had been bottled up inside him all these years. Pain she’d caused.

  “This summer when Jessica knew she’d be starting high school, she protested against me hiring another woman. The change in her had a lot to do with Leslie, the one female my daughter took to because she was Cory’s nanny and posed no threat.

  “Without making it official, Pierce’s wife more or less filled the breach when there was an emergency and I couldn’t be home on time, or not at all. We were limping along. Then I heard your voice on the phone….”

  His emotions were so palpable, she bowed her head.

  “The morning after Halloween, Jessica went to work with me. It took all day for me to find that place in my soul where I had started to forgive you for what you’d done to me.

  “Jessica sensed something was wrong and asked me if I needed to talk. My little girl, the parent. She’d reversed the roles.

  “I said, ‘If you had a chance to meet your mother, how would you feel about that?”’

  A hushed quiet followed while Samantha waited to hear the rest.

  “You should have seen her eyes…. That’s when pain and guilt scorched my soul like a red-hot poker. It was clear she wanted her mother. She’d always wanted her mother.”

  His expression grew black. “Later on, when you told her you couldn’t come for the mother-daughter party because of some work commitment, I swear I could have strangled you with my bare hands.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing, Sam. Listen to what I’m saying.” The cords stood out in his neck. “It was my fault. All of it. I was so brutal to you on the phone and at the Elk Inn that you were terrified of my reaction, with good reason.”

  She shook her head. “Not terrified, never that. Only conscious of a blessing I’d been granted, and didn’t dare ask for more. Don’t do this to yourself, Nick,” she begged. “I’ve been down that path. Between the two of us, I think we’ve crucified ourselves long enough. We have to think of Jessica now.”

  She heard his sharp intake of breath. “You mean the Jessica who became an instant grown-up when she thought you’d rejected her? The one determined to take care of her good old dad?”

  Samantha let out an incredulous cry. “Old?”

  He slowly nodded. “Oh yes. She let me know she’d be there to watch over me in my old age. We didn’t need anyone else. It had always been the two of us, and that was the way things were going to stay.”

  “Oh Nick…” Tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “That’s the kind of great father I turned out to be,” he said in self-recrimination. “My anger toward you has done psychological damage to our daughter.

  “A parent is supposed to give his child the tools to grow up well-rounded and independent. You live in the hope that one day, at the right time, she’ll find a great guy and go off happily into the sunset to start her own family.

  “Not our Jessica. I’m the one responsible for stunting her growth. That became obvious when you told her you couldn’t come to the party. She immediately informed me she was going to get straight As like you and become a biologist like me. Together we would live in the park doing the work we love side by side, and I would never be alone.

  “Give a psychiatrist a crack at Jessica and you would discover a father who has done it all wrong from day one.”

  “But you haven’t!” Samantha disagreed. “She’s loving and forgiving. I’ve noticed how open she is to everything.”

  A solemn expression stole over his handsome features. “That’s because you’re in her life. It has changed everything.” He took a step toward her. “It has changed me. Now I want to talk about us. I want you for my wife as soon as possible.”

  “You mean it?” she cried. “You’re willing to risk marrying me knowing my history? Knowing that every month I go in for a test, you’ll be worried about the results?”

  His body went rigid.

  “I’m not saying this for me, Nick. I’m saying it for you. Now that you’ve put your anger behind you and we’ve made our peace, are you certain you wouldn’t rather find another woman to love who doesn’t have my past problem?”

  “There’s a risk to loving anyone. You’re worth that risk.”

  “Oh Nick! I want us to be happy. You need to be very sure about this before we make any plans or tell Jessica. At least sleep on it tonight and we’ll talk more in the morning. Please take me home now. To be honest, I’m very tired. It’s been a big day for so many reasons.”

  SAM WASN’T LYING. She looked utterly exhausted and spent. It brought out an ethereal beauty. He didn’t want to see her like this. It reminded him of all she’d gone through. Her journal entries still haunted him.

  She was right about one thing. If he couldn’t get past his fear for her, then a new nightmare would begin. If she was sick again, then so be it. They would fight it together. Tomorrow her parents were leaving. After she’d heard from the doctor, Nick would force her to marry him, even if it meant kidnapping her to do it. She would have no choice in the matter. Pierce would help him.

  Not trusting himself to get within five feet of her, Nick left her to freshen up while he waited for her in the car.

  En route to Jackson his cell phone went off.

  “That’s
probably Jessica.”

  Nick checked the caller ID. “It’s business.” He clicked on. “Rex? What’s up?”

  “You know those guides camping in Garnet Canyon?”

  “Yes?”

  “From the stories filtering in, there was a sudden earth tremor. I’ll be damned if they weren’t caught in an avalanche. I need you on the mountain to help with the rescue. Are you home?”

  “I’m on my way to Jackson.”

  “Then I’ll tell one of the rangers to bring some extra gear for you.”

  “Fine. I’ll be at the rendezvous point as soon as I can.”

  “What’s wrong?” Sam asked the question the second he’d hung up.

  “There’s been an avalanche. It has trapped some guides and professional skiers doing winter maneuvers. They’ve been working toward their mountaineering certification with the American Avalanche Institute. If they come out of this alive, they’ll have experienced one lesson that couldn’t have been gained any other way.”

  The thought of being buried under a mountain of snow was too horrible to contemplate. What if more fell while Nick and the others were out there?

  “Where are you meeting everyone?”

  “The airport. I’ll fly in with one of the rescue helicopters.”

  “I thought you were a biologist!”

  “I am, but I also trained under Pierce to learn mountaineering skills for emergencies like this. He’s probably there now. This park is his baby.”

  “You two are very close, aren’t you.”

  “Yes. In some ways he reminds me of Joey.”

  “Jessica told me he was killed on his motorcycle right before graduation. I’m so sorry. He was a wonderful friend to us. If I’d known—”

  “Don’t go there, Sam.”

  She flashed him a brave smile. “I won’t. Since the airport is on the way to town, I’ll drop you off, then go on home. When you want me and Jessica to come for you, we will.”

  “It could be an all-night operation. We’ll have to wait and see. If so, Pierce will give me a ride to the house after we get back. I’ll phone you tomorrow to bring my car home.”

  “No matter how long it takes, Jessica’s going to be anxious until she hears from you.”

  Too soon they reached the airport. It was hell having to be separated right now. While he was taking the house key off the ring, he could feel Sam’s anxiety.

  Without conscious thought he caught her face between his hands and kissed her long and hard.

  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  AS HE STRODE AWAY, Sam climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car, but she was still trembling from his passion. Like the tremor that had caused the avalanche, Nick had unleashed such a powerful force inside of her, all she could do was ride it while it swept her along at heart-stopping speed.

  When she finally landed in her driveway in Jackson, she rested her head against the steering wheel, willing her equilibrium to come back.

  “Mom?”

  At the sound of Jessica’s voice, she recoiled and opened the door. Her daughter’s face was a study in fright. “Where’s Dad? What’s wrong?”

  She needed a minute before answering any questions. Nick had disoriented her, and Sam was afraid it was permanent.

  “Your father had to help rescue some people trapped by an avalanche. While I was pulling the keys out of the ignition, they slipped from my hand.”

  “No they didn’t, Mom,” Jessica said with that forthright honesty of hers. “Are you still feeling sick?”

  Samantha got out of the car and shut the door. “What do you mean still, darling?”

  “When Dad and I were driving home from Shiver’s earlier, I saw your car pulling away from the hospital.”

  “Why didn’t you ask Grandma and Grandpa? They would have told you I went in for a routine blood test.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise. I’ll be getting periodic blood tests from now on. They take about five minutes and don’t hurt.”

  “I bet you’re scared, huh.”

  Always the truth, Samantha. “Yes.”

  “If your cancer comes back, will you have to get more chemo?”

  “Yes.”

  “I hope you’re okay.”

  She grabbed her daughter and hugged her tightly. “I hope so, too. But if I’m not, I’ll do whatever I have to do to get better again.”

  “My history teacher’s husband has cancer. I told her about you, that yours might come back. She said it’s not really so terrible because everyone has to die sometime. And since she knows her husband doesn’t have a long time to live, it has helped their family to enjoy every day they have with him. She said it could be a blessing.”

  “Oh darling.” Samantha held her tighter.

  She was going to have to meet this teacher of Jessica’s and thank her for the priceless gift she’d given her.

  “You don’t have to worry about anything, Mom. I’ll go to all your doctor’s appointments with you. I’ll take care of you. You’ll never have to be alone.”

  My precious, precious girl.

  The words reminded Samantha of the conversation she’d just had with Nick at his house.

  Clearly, Jessica was able to deal with the cancer threat much better than Samantha or Nick had ever dreamed. It was the situation between her parents that was tearing her daughter apart. There was only one way to solve that problem.

  Tonight Nick had bared his soul to her. He’d asked her to be his wife. He’d called on her heart, body and soul, all of which had always belonged to him.

  Later, when she went to pick him up, she would tell him she wanted to get married no matter what. Nothing was more important than being together. But right this minute, it was time to help their daughter.

  “Come on, darling. Let’s go in the house. It’s freezing out here.”

  Her parents met them at the door. Two more people Samantha needed to help. Two loving, marvelous human beings riddled with guilt and pain, who’d never been able to forgive themselves for what they imagined they’d done to ruin her life.

  Tonight all the pain and the guilt and the self-flagellation were about to end.

  They went into the living room. Her father relieved both of them of their coats. “Where’s Nick?”

  “Dad’s out with the rangers helping some guys caught in an avalanche,” Jessica explained in a matter-of-fact tone. She’d grown up with a father whose life was dedicated to the rescue of animals and humans.

  Samantha had a lot to learn from their daughter, since right now part of her was terrified something could happen to Nick, either on the mountain or in the helicopter.

  “Did you have a nice time at the Gallaghers’?” her mother asked.

  With that question Samantha’s heart picked up speed. “Why don’t you all sit down and I’ll tell you.”

  Something in her tone must have alerted them it was no casual directive. They did her bidding, but three pairs of anxious eyes remained fastened on her.

  Filled with a restless energy, Samantha stood behind a chair and held on to it.

  “There was no party. Nick only said that because he wanted to be alone with me. We went to the house and had a long talk about everything. It was one that should have taken place years ago, but that’s irrelevant now. What’s important is Nick and I are going to be married.”

  A collective cry of relief rang throughout the living room. Jessica’s young, smooth face radiated joy. She jumped up to hug Samantha and almost knocked her over.

  Through the profusion of red-gold curls, Samantha smiled at her parents and watched the lines of sorrow vanish from their faces. All that remained were the etchings of life experiences, both the good and the bad, that had formed their character over the years.

  Their eyes sent her an implicit message. They rejoiced in her decision to grab her happiness with both hands and not let the amount of time she had left on this earth matter.

  While she rocked her daughter in her a
rms, they heard her cell phone go off.

  “Maybe they didn’t need your father, after all, and he wants us to come and get him!”

  She let go of Jessica long enough to pull it out of her purse. To her disappointment the caller ID said Out of Area. It could be Marilyn, or even Reed, her former boss.

  “Hello?”

  “Samantha Bretton?” She recognized that voice.

  “Dr. Blake?” His call had the effect of knocking the wind out of her. Sudden tension filled the living room once more. “I didn’t expect to hear from you until tomorrow.”

  “Good news deserves to be delivered as soon as possible.”

  She gripped the phone tighter. “I’m still normal?”

  “You are. As I told your parents, the loss of a lab test result is something that rarely happens. I’m sorry you had to go through the ordeal of waiting and worrying unnecessarily.”

  She gave her family a thumbs-up, but could hardly see because of her tears. “I’m not. I’m convinced it happened to help me make the most important decision of my life. I’ve moved to Jackson, Wyoming, and I’m getting married.”

  “Now you’ve made my day. When you get a new doctor where you’re living, I’ll have the records sent. To be safe, you should plan on having another test in a month. Have you experienced more flulike symptoms associated with the Interferon?”

  “Once in a while I get a chill, but nothing else to speak of.”

  “Terrific. Phone me anytime, Samantha.”

  “I will. You have no idea how much this call has meant to me.”

  “I think I do. Good night.”

  “Good night, Dr. Blake, and thank you.”

  As she hung up, the floor suddenly moved beneath her feet. She grabbed hold of the end of the couch to keep from falling. It was a heavy sofa, yet it seemed to be moving of its own accord.

  Everyone looked at each other as a few books fell to the floor. The brass candlestick on the hearth toppled over. Jessica’s eyes grew round while they waited to see if anything else would happen. When it didn’t she cried, “We’ve just had an earthquake!”

  “Will you look at that dining room chandelier?” Sam’s father exclaimed.

  Sure enough, it was swinging back and forth like a pendulum.