The Armchair Detective and the Psychological Secret: Series One

by Ian Shimwell

  TRENCH: I’ll see what I can do.

  OLD TOM: Oh, and catch this shoplifter while you’re at it.

  TRENCH: Anything else, Old Tom? Like solve all local burglaries at the same time?

  OLD TOM: No, young Trench. You can go, now.

  TRENCH: Bye.

  (TRENCH gets up to leave.)

  OLD TOM: Oh, there is one more thing.

  TRENCH: Yes?

  OLD TOM: You owe me some cake!

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act One.)

  ACT TWO

  (We can hear the traffic and the pedestrians as TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE approach the high-street shops of Stokeham.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, do you think we are really going to catch this shoplifter red-handed?

  TRENCH: We might.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh come on – didn’t we wander around the shops enough yesterday morning? It is supposed to be us girls who need this so-called retail therapy.

  TRENCH: In case you hadn’t noticed, Sally-Anne – I didn’t actually buy anything.

  SALLY-ANNE: That’s even worse – the dreaded window shopper! A bargain browser who doesn’t buy, err just browses.

  TRENCH: All right, all right – I get the message. And the reason we’re coming back at this time is because one of the shopkeepers thought the shoplifter usually seemed to strike at lunchtime.

  SALLY-ANNE: Ah-ha, I detect the influence of Oldy Tom in this. Did he put you up to it?

  TRENCH: Actually, no. Old Tom was in an incredibly know-it-all mood last night, even for him so I omitted to tell him the lunchtime theory. If I had tried, he probably would have still somehow told me first!

  SALLY-ANNE: The shops. Are we working undercover?

  TRENCH: Just get on with it.

  (Traditional detective-spy style music is played as TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE wander around the shops. As they start speaking again, the music gradually fades away.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Come on, Trenchy – this is the eighth shop I’ve been dragged around and there’s no sign of any lifting, let alone any shops. Well, there is sign of shops – eight so far actually and shop signs of course. Stop me, by the way, if you think I’m babbling because I do…

  TRENCH: Wait, I think there’s a commotion in men’s clothing.

  SALLY-ANNE: ‘nuff said! Yes, there’s a bunch of youths surrounding who I think is the store detective. Shape yourself, let’s have a look.

  TRENCH: Heh, I wasn’t the one babbling for Britain!

  STORE DETECTIVE: Right, hoppit then lads, before I change my mind.

  (With a few mumbles and groans, the group of lads drift away.)

  TRENCH: Is there a problem here?

  STORE DETECTIVE: Yes, on those empty rails over there should be six leather jackets but they’ve vanished. I thought the lads were involved but they’re clean… or too clever. Well, could you see where they would have hidden those jackets?

  SALLY-ANNE: No, I suppose not.

  STORE DETECTIVE: Who are you, anyway?

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m Sally-Anne and this is Trench. We’re local reporters working on this very story.

  STORE DETECTIVE: Harold, the store detective. Pleased to meet you.

  TRENCH: Err Harold, when and where have the recent thefts taken place?

  HAROLD: Hmm, there have been several – all around lunchtime, now I come to think of it.

  SALLY-ANNE: And what days have the err offences happened?

  HAROLD: Now, let me see. There was two last week on a Tuesday and Thursday – and today, of course. Thinking about it, every other week day… And so far we’ve lost three fake fur coats; two Armani suits and now those leather coats.

  SALLY-ANNE: Well I hope he doesn’t wear them all at once!

  HAROLD: Quite.

  TRENCH: And you’ve checked your CCTV footage?

  HAROLD: Unfortunately no, the cameras you can see are just dummies – simply a deterrent. But after this latest escapade, I’ll be urging the manager to invest in some real ones.

  TRENCH: Doesn’t really help much, does it?

  HAROLD: Ah, James. (He nearly shouts:) James.

  JAMES: Harold, you’ve not had another..?

  HAROLD: Afraid so. May I introduce you to my brother, James. He works for social services and, in fact, he has one of his young charges with him.

  JAMES: Yes, hello. I’m accompanying young David here.

  DAVID: Hi.

  TRENCH: Hello David. Yes err James – I can see you work for social services from the badge you’re wearing. David not at school?

  JAMES: (Says quietly so DAVID can’t hear him.) The poor chap simply can’t take school for the whole week, so I’m charged with keeping him occupied when he’s not there. Single mum who works syndrome.

  SALLY-ANNE: Nice bag you have there, David.

  DAVID: Thanks, it’s my school rucksack.

  JAMES: Right, to the point of our visit. Come on David, we’d better buy that school jumper you need.

  DAVID: Bye.

  (Thoughtful music changes scene.)

  (SALLY-ANNE and TRENCH are back in their office, typing away on their respective typewriters.)

  TRENCH: So, what did you make of our shopping day?

  SALLY-ANNE: Not much, I didn’t find any bargains.

  TRENCH: Did you like young David?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, he was very sweet – for a twelve year-old. But, mind you, he did have quite a big school bag.

  TRENCH: Surely you’re not suggesting..?

  SALLY-ANNE: And detective Harold, only he knows that the cameras don’t work.

  TRENCH: Have I ever told you, Sally-Anne, that you have a nasty and suspicious mind?

  SALLY-ANNE: No, but thanks for the compliment.

  TRENCH: Oh, when you left me in the high-street – I went and had another chat with Gordon.

  SALLY-ANNE: You didn’t.

  TRENCH: I did. I span him a yarn about interviewing captains of industry.

  SALLY-ANNE: Hah!

  TRENCH: And he has agreed to speak with me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Bully for you.

  TRENCH: Oh, come on Sally-Anne. I am trying to help your friend, err… to find out if it was those lads who are in on this shoplifting ring.

  SALLY-ANNE: Eh, have I lost the plot or something?

  TRENCH: Hello Editor Law.

  SALLY-ANNE: I understand.

  EDITOR LAW: Hello my two favourite roving reporters.

  SALLY-ANNE: We’re your only two roving reporters.

  EDITOR LAW: Well, you know what I mean. It’s good to hear you discussing a proper story instead of chatting over a friend’s love life.

  TRENCH: Oh perish the thought, Editor Law. We’d never do that.

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, hardly ever…

  (Quirky music ends the scene.)

  (We can hear the usual background sounds associated with a pub.)

  TRENCH: Here’s your pint, Gordon.

  GORDON: Obliged.

  TRENCH: Let’s sit in the quiet corner.

  (They sit down.)

  GORDON: Tell me, Trench, do you normally conduct your interviews in a pub?

  TRENCH: Put it this way, it’s not that unusual.

  GORDON: And what is it you want to know about this particular ‘captain of industry’?

  TRENCH: Oh, we’ll come to that later. First, I would like to talk about general, background sort of things.

  GORDON: All right, fire away then.

  TRENCH: How long have you been married?

  GORDON: Six months.

  TRENCH: Is it a happy marriage?

  GORDON: Hmm, yes – there’s always a period of change though, after the honeymoon. You know, one has to adapt to accommodate the other.

  TRENCH: And has Vicky adapted well?

  GORDON: She has some way to go yet, but she has made some progress.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) Yeah, like changing her personality. (Then normally:) Have you changed, err adapted?

  GORDON: We all have to do our bit. Shouldn’t yo
u be writing notes? And is all this personal stuff really necessary? Shouldn’t we be talking about Stokeham’s flagship store, ‘Gordon’s DIY’?

  TRENCH: We will Gordon – and as I’ve said this ‘personal stuff’ is simply background context, if you like, to place your great retail work within. And I keep my notes in here. (He taps his forehead.) I’ll type them up later.

  GORDON: (Who sighs bad-temperedly before taking a sip of his beer.) Is there any other ‘background’ information you would like?

  TRENCH: Is you wife’s Law degree nearing a successful conclusion?

  GORDON: Here we go again. That’s her department – I don’t talk about it. This interview will have to end soon. I kind of would like to return to my shop before closing time.

  TRENCH: Oh yes, I don’t need any more background – in fact I think I think I’ve got too much of it! Right, let’s talk about Gordon’s DIY.

  GORDON: That’s more like it. Now, I founded the store ten years ago when I identified a gap in the…

  TRENCH: That’s a wonderfully different belt you’re wearing. So bright, so red. Where did you buy it, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m sorry, Gordon – I’ve interrupted your flow, haven’t I?

  GORDON: (Says in a slight daze:) It was my mother’s belt.

  TRENCH: Before she gave it to you?

  GORDON: Before I took it from her…

  (Slightly disturbing music closes the scene.)

  (TRENCH is busily typing away at his computer in his office, but abruptly stops when Sally-Anne walks in.)

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne, where’ve you been?

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, I thought I’d take a leaf out of your book.

  TRENCH: In case you hadn’t noticed – I’m not actually reading at the moment.

  SALLY-ANNE: Hah.

  TRENCH: Just trying to write this article.

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry to have disturbed you then.

  TRENCH: Well, you have disturbed me – so there.

  SALLY-ANNE: You’ve always been disturbing, Trench.

  TRENCH: Listen, are you going to tell me or not?

  SALLY-ANNE: I might do.

  TRENCH: Hmm, Sally-Anne – have you ever suffered death by impatience?

  SALLY-ANNE: Nah, I wouldn’t be able to wait for it. All right, whilst you were out gallivanting with Gordon, I visited Vicky at home, knowing of course she would be alone. Hang about, I’d better talk more quietly.

  TRENCH: I’ve lost you there.

  SALLY-ANNE: Editor Law doesn’t exactly approve of this line of enquiry.

  TRENCH: Oh, don’t worry about him – he’s out playing golf all afternoon. So, did Vicky invite you in?

  SALLY-ANNE: Considering her recent behaviour, yes surprisingly she did.

  TRENCH: And was the tea hot?

  SALLY-ANNE: Now, I don’t follow you.

  TRENCH: Doesn’t matter, carry on.

  SALLY-ANNE: Well we sat down and drunk our tea. Vicky said she couldn’t chat for long as she had to soon start making a meal for Gordon.

  TRENCH: And Vicky does know how to make a meal of things, doesn’t she?

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, that’s not funny.

  TRENCH: Yeah, sorry. Did you find out anything useful?

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, Vicky claims she is still at university, studying Law but I spotted a name badge near her handbag bearing the legend: ‘Vicky-happy to help-Gordon’s DIY’.

  TRENCH: That doesn’t mean she has necessarily quit her course.

  SALLY-ANNE: I know, she might just be helping out part-time in holidays, that sort of thing, but it’s still worrying. She still refuses to talk about what we used to laughingly call ‘the old days’ even though Gordon wasn’t there. As my frustration was beginning to show, she began to usher me out. So, I asked the question: Why have you so completely changed?

  TRENCH: And what was her reply?

  SALLY-ANNE: ‘I have not changed – not one bit.’

  TRENCH: Self delusional?

  SALLY-ANNE: If we are to save my friend, from herself – and Gordon, we are going to have to find out the reason for Gordon’s compulsive, controlling behaviour by perhaps slowly remove the layers from his personality and past.

  TRENCH: I’m working on it…

  (Thoughtful music moves things on.)

  (We hear the sound of the door chime as TRENCH walks into Gordon’s DIY.)

  GORDON: Ah, Trench – how surprising to see you in here, again. Now, let me see, what do you want? More information on my marriage or more shoplifting scare stories?

  TRENCH: Believe it or not, Gordon – I have come in here to buy something.

  GORDON: My do-it-yourself store is at your tender mercies…

  TRENCH: Hammers.

  GORDON: Excuse me.

  TRENCH: Well, hammer actually. Where are they?

  GORDON: There’s a selection over there.

  TRENCH: Ah, this one will do.

  GORDON: Do you realise you have picked the most expensive hammer we stock? It has an integrated polymer-resin compound on the head to make a very tough fellow indeed.

  TRENCH: This will do then.

  GORDON: I’ll till it up.

  FEMAIL VOICE: Do you need any help out there, Gordon?

  GORDON: No dear, I mean oh dear – yes, you stay in the back stocktaking.

  (We hear the till being operated and TRENCH handing over the money.)

  GORDON: Anything else?

  TRENCH: You don’t sell belts, do you? Bright, red ones.

  GORDON: No.

  (A short passage of music changes scene.)

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH enters OLD TOM’s flat and sits down opposite him in the living room.)

  TRENCH: I’ve brought you a present, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: What would I do with a present? Never mind, show it to me – and I’ll decide.

  TRENCH: Here you are, then.

  (TRENCH hands over the bag to OLD TOM.)

  OLD TOM: A hammer? What would..? I suppose Trench, I could knock some sense into you! I thought you were going to give me some cake to replace what your greed consumed on your last visit.

  TRENCH: Now, that’s gratitude for you. It’s made of a special resiny thingy, you know.

  OLD TOM: I suppose it might come in useful one day.

  TRENCH: That’s the nearest thing I’m going to get to a thank-you, isn’t it?

  OLD TOM: Put it in the kitchen drawer.

  TRENCH: The kitchen drawer?

  OLD TOM: Yes, it’ll go with the cutlery.

  TRENCH: If you say so.

  OLD TOM: And put the kettle on while you’re there.

  (TRENCH places the hammer in the cutlery drawer; puts the kettle on and returns to the living room.)

  OLD TOM: Naturally, buying the hammer from the imaginatively titled, Gordon’s DIY, would have given you yet another excuse to pester our friend.

  TRENCH: How did..? Don’t tell me. Of course, Gordon’s shop is advertised on the bag.

  OLD TOM: And on the price tag. Rather expensive, if you ask me.

  TRENCH: Oops, sorry about that. I forgot to take it off.

  OLD TOM: Evidently. Whilst you were mooching about the shops, did you make any progress on our phantom shoplifter?

  TRENCH: Err, yes… and no. Actually there’s not much to say on that subject.

  OLD TOM: Playing your cards close to your chest on that one, Trenchy? Don’t want me to steal your glory?

  TRENCH: It’s not that, Old Tom – well I suppose it is a bit. Do you know what I mean?

  OLD TOM: All right, as long as you follow my observational deductive process. You want me to concentrate on Gordon and Vicky’s personality problems. So, let’s concentrate on the cause: Gordon. What else have you discovered Dr Freud?

  TRENCH: Hah, yes. I think that Gordon’s red belt is significant. It might be something to do with his childhood – and probably has a connection with his mother. He claimed he took it from her. Vicky, on the other hand,
appears to be self-delusional, believing she hasn’t changed at all since being married. And now it’s questionable that she is still even pursuing her one passion: Law. I suspect that Gordon is hiding the fact that his wife may be now working for him instead, in the shop.

  OLD TOM: And Gordon’s behaviour towards Vicky?

  TRENCH: Still as mentally controlling; bullying and abusive as ever. So, old friend, what next?

  OLD TOM: You mentioned Gordon’s mother. Much could be learnt from her. Find out if she’s still around – and if so, visit her. Discover how and where Gordon’s neurosis was nurtured.

  TRENCH: Righto.

  OLD TOM: We need to keep digging, young friend, keep digging to unearth Gordon’s psychological secret…

  TRENCH: I think I’ll make the tea first though.

  OLD TOM: Don’t forget to boil the water again.

  TRENCH: So we have to wait even longer for it to cool down. Yes, I thought so. I give up.

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act Two.)

  ACT THREE

  (We can hear the hustle and bustle of the high-street shops as TRENCH, once again, walks along them.)

  JAMES: Err Trench, isn’t it funny bumping into you, around the shops again?

  TRENCH: Yes James, isn’t it? I don’t remember sharing my name with you.

  JAMES: My youngest brother Harold let your name slip, I’m afraid.

  TRENCH: No David with you today?

  JAMES: I only look after David on days beginning with ‘T’.

  TRENCH: Today and tomorrow?

  JAMES: Tuesdays and Thursdays.

  TRENCH: I’m working on a story involving the recent spate of shoplifting that’s inflicting the high-street. Have you noticed anything suspicious on your shopping trips with David?

  JAMES: Oh, I don’t drag David around the shops every day I have him. But when I have browsed through the retail outlets, I can’t say I have seen anything remotely susp… Wait a minute, I’ve sometimes noticed a group of lads I don’t like the look of.

  TRENCH: So, attractive people are more likely not to steal?

  JAMES: I’m going to have to go, Trench.

  TRENCH: James, you said Harold was your youngest brother – that implies you have another one.

  JAMES: Yes, there are three of us. What of it?

  TRENCH: It just seems unfair, that’s all. I know what you and Harold do, but not the other one.