Impulse Control (Entangled Indulgence) (Men of the Zodiac)

by Amanda Usen

  Her mocking gaze told him she knew exactly how badly he wanted to retreat. As he looked into her eyes, he was forced to acknowledge an equally strong desire. For the first time since Lance died, he wanted all of those things. Family. Friends. Love.

  And that scared the hell out of him.

  He had to get out of here before he gave in to the urge to hold her one more time. If he touched her again, he wasn’t sure how he’d find the strength to leave.

  The doorbell rang.

  A wave of cold shame swept through him because he’d been so close to reaching for her. Saved by the bell. “Are you expecting a midnight visitor?”

  She slipped past him. “I think I know who it is. I’ll be right back.”

  “You’re not answering the door alone.” Hopefully, it was someone innocuous, like a neighbor needing a cup of sugar for a midnight baking binge, and he could make his escape. He followed her, reaching the bottom of the stairs as she glanced out the window and then opened the front door.

  A huge tank of a man with buzzed blond hair walked in like he owned the place. Susannah’s deep breath was audible. “Russ, this is my ex-husband, Ethan Stone. Ethan, this is—”

  “I know who he is.”

  Russ stood, conscious of his loosened tie and the late hour, hoping he was going to have a fight on his hands. He wasn’t going anywhere. Not yet. He’d love to take a crack at the bastard who’d given Susannah a complex in bed, cheated on her, and then had the nerve to harass her in the middle of the night. Russ shifted his stance, edging in front of Susannah. Bring it on, he beckoned the guy with his eyes, but Ethan ignored him.

  “Can we talk, Susannah? Please? I’m dropping the custody appeal. I’m sorry for being a jerk. I’d appreciate a chance to explain.”

  An uppercut to the jaw would send him right back out the door. No explanation necessary. Russ’s hands clenched.

  “This isn’t a good time, Ethan.” Susannah took Russ’s hand, working her fingers into his tight fist. Finally, the guy looked at him, a split-second inventory that made Russ feel like he’d been weighed, measured, and dismissed. Russ tensed, tempted to let go of Susannah’s hand and throw that punch, but she gave him a beseeching look.

  Instantly, he understood what she wanted from him, but this was the perfect opportunity to prove he wasn’t the man to give it to her. He never should have tried.

  Every move he’d made since they’d climbed down off Mount Marion had been a mistake. Rising to the domestic challenges Susannah set before him only made her think he might stick around and be her nine-to-five banker guy and, as much as it pissed him off, Susannah’s ex-husband was right to dismiss him. Although it felt right to stand beside her, to have her reach for him when she needed support, he couldn’t be that guy for her. Guilt spread ice through his veins. He shouldn’t even want to be that guy. He’d made a promise to Lance.

  He pulled his hand out of her grip. “Actually, you two go right ahead. I’ve got an early flight. I should go.” He searched for his keys in his pocket. “The timing is right for Everest, so…”

  “On to the next mountain, huh?” Her voice was colder than the peak of Denali.

  It killed him to look away from the challenge in her gaze. “Yeah—that’s right. You know me.” Razor wire tightened around his heart, but he forced the words out. “Good-bye, Susannah. Tell Bergman I’ll be in touch.”

  “Bergman? You’re going to keep in touch with Bergman? You had a lot of nerve accusing me of focusing on ratings.” She opened the door. “Tell him yourself.”

  He felt like he was fighting quicksand as he put one foot in front of the other, but he didn’t allow himself look back until he was buckled in his Jeep. The front door was shut. A light was on in the living room. Ten minutes ago, he’d been the one in that house, and not in the living room, either. Was her ex-husband looking for another chance? Of course he was… Susannah was amazing.

  Russ felt circuits blowing, his control slipping. It went against his nature to back down from a challenge, but she deserved a man who would stand by her. If her ex-husband had changed enough to be that man—so be it. A sharp pain in his hand alerted him to the fact he’d gripped his keys so tightly two fingers were bleeding.

  Everest. He didn’t know what had made him mention the mountain to Susannah, but as he started the car, he realized the idea had been in the back of his mind for weeks. The first expedition since the icefall was leaving in April.

  The timing couldn’t be better, since they’d finished filming this season’s Wild Man shows when he was in Bhutan. His team didn’t need him for editing, and soon, his family wouldn’t need him to raise money for Lance’s charity, either.

  It was time to go.

  …

  Susannah shut the door with deliberate care, hoping if she moved slowly her reeling emotions would settle down, too. She turned on a light in the living room. What had just happened? Too much, too fast? Too soon? Too late? The truth hit so hard, she sank onto the couch. I did it again.

  “Susannah?”

  She held up a hand. “Hang on a second. I just realized something, and I need a minute to process.” The past few months cycled through her mind. Once again, she’d turned herself inside out trying to become the perfect woman for a man who didn’t want her. She hadn’t learned a damn thing from her failed marriage. From the minute she’d seen Russ in the elevator she’d wanted him. She’d read his book hoping to impress him, driven herself into exhaustion trying to keep up with him, whipped up a too-fancy campfire dinner thinking he’d be dazzled. She’d played his online games while he was gone, and then made him look good on film when he returned. She’d done a similar thing with Ethan, cooking, cleaning, and decorating their house, trying to make the perfect home for him—a home he’d avoided by working all the time and then eventually leaving altogether.

  It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. What on earth did it take to make a relationship work? She stood, walked into the kitchen, and started a pot of coffee. Caffeine would help. She watched it brew, feeling Ethan’s gaze on her back.

  She turned to look at him. “Why did our marriage fail? No, seriously. I mean, I know you started sleeping with other women—but why?” His cheeks reddened. She watched his mouth pinch and his gaze harden. She held up her hand. “I don’t want to fight, so if you’re about to raise your voice, don’t do it—Billy is sleeping. Our marriage is over. There’s nothing to be gained by hurting each other any more. You’re here, so you have something you want to say. I’ll listen. You don’t have to yell.”

  He blinked and sat down in a chair at the kitchen table. “You’re different.”

  She nodded.

  “You’ll listen?”

  “Did I not listen before?”

  He took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. “I never knew if you were listening or not, but I did know you wouldn’t talk to me.”

  She poured coffee for them both and set a mug in front of him, pausing for several beats, waiting for him to acknowledge it. “You didn’t say thank you,” she said after a long minute.

  He met her gaze. “You didn’t ask if I wanted coffee.” His voice was even.

  “Who doesn’t want coffee?” It had kept her going for years.

  Ethan shrugged. “Who doesn’t want a three-course dinner? Or a mixed drink? Or a new couch?” Or a baby?

  He didn’t say it, but it was right there in the way he’d always kept his distance from Billy. “Some people don’t want those things, Susannah. I needed a wife who saw me as a man. I never wanted a damn thing but your attention, which you gave to everything and everyone else—the house, Billy, and that damn job which took up every free moment. Do you know why I tried to make you quit? Why I hated everything you did? I was jealous. It was as simple as that, and when you worked harder and did more—”

  “Trying to please you,” she broke in.

  “So you said. I know you like to cook and clean, but I don’t buy it. Media Life is calling you the next Martha Stewar
t, and that woman runs an empire. Be honest—you want an empire, too.”

  “We’ve been through this.” And gotten exactly nowhere.

  He grinned, disarming her. “But we’ve established you weren’t listening.”

  She stared at him. “You’re different, too.”

  “Counseling will do that for a guy. You wouldn’t talk to me, and I was ashamed of what I did.”

  He said it like it was no big deal, but the idea of her stubborn, my-way-or-the-highway ex-husband in therapy blew her mind. “Wow.”

  He crossed his arms. “Yeah—wow. And maybe I want to yell and wake Billy up. I’d like to see him. I miss him.” Ethan’s voice tightened just short of cracking. “People can change, right?”

  Her breath caught as understanding crashed through her with the force of a sledgehammer. “But they can’t change each other.”

  “No, they can’t,” Ethan agreed. “I’m sorry, Susannah, truly, deeply sorry for breaking your trust. I’m even sorrier for not being the man you needed, but I’d like to be a part of your life. I’m not your husband, but I’ll always be Billy’s father, and I don’t want to be the guy you hate.”

  “I don’t hate you.” It was true. She didn’t. Not anymore.

  A sudden curiosity made her ask, “What are you doing here so late, by the way? How did you know I was up? Or even home?”

  He didn’t meet her gaze.

  Her curiosity turned into suspicion, but she let it go. “You know what? Never mind. Water under the bridge.” She’d always suspected he had something going on with the neighbor, but it wasn’t her business anymore. It was time for both of them to move on.

  A flash of memory hit her, and she was sitting in a tent, asking Russ to let her touch him. She’d been desperate to be close to him, and her need had been so great the words had tumbled out. If he’d refused, she would have been devastated. But he’d said yes, and it had been amazing. She’d never felt that close to Ethan. No—she’d never let him get that close. Relationships were a two-way street—a give and take. “I never told you what I needed, did I?”

  He shook his head. “Will you tell someone…someday?”

  The someone she’d hoped to tell had just left and wasn’t coming back, but she summoned a smile and nodded. “Meanwhile…I have a lot to think about. I’m not shutting you out, but it’s been a weird weekend. I’ll call my lawyer tomorrow, and we can figure out how to make this work, but I feel like my head is going to explode if I talk anymore.”

  He stood. “Thanks, Susannah.”

  She followed him to the door, and he gave her a brief hug that was equal parts awkward and surreal, and then left. She stood in the hall for a long moment after she locked the door.

  With heavy legs, she climbed the stairs. After checking on Billy, she walked into her bedroom, stripped off her dress, and ripped open her drawer, looking for fleece. A sob rose, twisting her chest in a painful spasm. She yanked on a pullover and a pair of pajama pants and then fell into bed, burrowing under the covers. It had been so much easier to blame Ethan for everything, but she held equal responsibility for the death of their marriage. She’d shut him out. Even worse, she’d shut herself down. Her marriage was over and, for the first time, she mourned its loss. Her grief had been submerged in anger and exhaustion and—if she were honest—ambition.

  As she buried her head under a pillow, she acknowledged she was also crying for Russ.

  People can change, but you can’t change them.

  Russ was gone, and he wasn’t coming back despite her best effort to be a Wild Woman on the mountain, a five-star chef on the campfire, and an adventurer in the bedroom. He was fighting his own demons, just as she had been fighting hers. Her chest tightened and a fizzing sensation bubbled across her nerves.

  She sat up in bed as the words from his blog post flew through her mind.

  Susie? Where are you? Come out, come out, wherever you are…

  She’d read it so many times she had it memorized.

  You don’t fool me one bit. You aren’t any more domestic than I am. I bet you’re already dreaming of the next mountain to climb.

  He was right—she was. She’d enjoyed climbing Mount Marion, and she wanted to climb other mountains—with him. She also enjoyed making a home, but not as much as she’d relished the fact that doing so had given her a career. Love of homemaking hadn’t killed her marriage; her need for a challenge had driven the wedge between them. But unlike Ethan, Russ had been thrilled with her ambition and wildness. He’d embraced it, encouraged it, used it to show her she could climb even higher.

  You may have the rest of the world fooled, but I know the real you. An adventurer. A survivor. A Wild Woman. Think about it.

  She couldn’t stop thinking about it.

  Her marriage to Ethan was over, and Russ had left—but she had changed. She wasn’t the same woman who’d buried herself in fleece and hidden at home—not anymore. Well, not after tonight.

  She wasn’t giving up—oh, hell no. She was going to transcend, transform, and triumph. And so was Russ, when she caught up with him. He wanted her; he was just being stubborn.

  She grabbed her phone and found the picture of Russ and Billy sitting on the kitchen floor this morning. She studied Russ’s playful smile and relaxed body language, and decided she wasn’t wrong. A picture really was worth a thousand words. Russ was just as happy in her home as he was on a mountaintop, she was sure of it. She just had to convince him. Good thing he’d awakened her to the fact she loved a challenge.

  Russ Donovan was about to discover just how wild she could be.

  Chapter Sixteen

  His parents walked the last candidate out of the room, and Russ slumped into his chair.

  His flight to Qatar boarded in six hours. He’d land in Kathmandu tomorrow night and head for Lukla the next day, weather permitting. Then he could gear up and begin the climb to Everest Base Camp. Of course he had no gear yet. Not a goddamn thing to carry him up the mountain except the desire to climb. Liar. He sank deeper into the chair. He didn’t want to go anywhere.

  He hadn’t wanted to climb last month, either. He hadn’t wanted to fight the river. He didn’t want to swim, hike, or jump. Hell, he didn’t even want to walk. Truth be told, he didn’t want to get out of this fucking chair.

  He dragged his cell phone out of his pocket and stared at it. He needed to make a few calls so everything he required would be waiting at base camp, but what he wanted to do was look at pictures of Susannah. Again. Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she cozied up with her ex-husband, orchestrating the cyber-split of Susie Homemaker and the Wild Man?

  He jammed the phone back in his pocket, too exhausted to deal with finding equipment. It would have made sense to stop at his apartment in the city and pack the things he’d need, but he hadn’t wanted to take the time. He’d gone straight from Susannah’s house to the airport and caught an earlier flight to Washington, needing to get moving and keep moving. Bullshit. You were afraid you wouldn’t leave at all.

  Bam—there it was, slamming down in his consciousness like a grenade. Guilt flowed through him, a heavy black torpor that made it nearly impossible to inflate his lungs. He closed his eyes, electing voluntary darkness before the black spots dancing at the edges of his vision chose for him.

  “Russ?” His father’s voice shocked him back to alertness. “What did you think?”

  “That’s the one.” The woman had impeccable credentials and connections. From all reports, she could make money fall like rain.

  “We think so, too.” His mother put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed, smiling down at him. “I bet Lance would agree.”

  Russ’s stomach churned at the casual mention of his little brother. The words bubbled up as if they needed to escape, the guilt so strong he could almost taste it. “I’m sorry we have to do this. I should have tried harder. I wish I could go back and tie Lance to his hospital bed, sit on him if I had to. Or at least keep him home. I stole time that belonge
d to all of us, and I’m so sorry, Mom. If I hadn’t taken him out of treatment—”

  His father rounded the table and closed the distance between them, gripping his other shoulder. “It’s not your fault, son. You gave him the trip of a lifetime, and you brought him home in plenty of time to say good-bye.”

  His mother nodded. “The doctors said it was a long shot, and he looked so happy in the pictures you sent. It was devastating to lose him, but we never blamed you. I’m sorry if you thought we did. You were always so independent, joining the army and then applying for the Special Forces. The harder we tried to keep you close to home, the farther you flew. You took Lance’s death so hard we’ve been afraid to reach out to you at all. What if you left for good? I couldn’t bear to lose another child.”

  Russ flinched out of their grip. “Lance told me to keep living for him. He asked me not to stop.”

  “He loved your spirit of adventure.” Alicia appeared in the doorway with Jessie behind her. “Lance didn’t want you to feel like you had to pick up the family political torch just because he was forced to lay it down.”

  “That’s my job, anyway,” his sister broke in. “I got accepted to Harvard Law. I do believe this family needs another senator.”

  His father’s gaze warmed as he looked at Jessie. “Only if that’s what you want.”

  “Congratulations, Jess.” Russ stood. He was glad his parents would get their politician, after all. “Want to celebrate by driving your big brother to the airport? Mount Everest awaits.”

  “No.” Her voice was glacial. “If you’re going to be an asshat, you’re going to have to do it alone. I won’t help you.”

  “Jessica,” their mother exclaimed.

  “Sorry, Mom, but he’s going too far this time. I get the whole adventurer thing—sort of—but people die on Everest. You can’t breathe up there. There isn’t enough oxygen, and it’s freezing. No one goes to get the bodies. They just stay there, like landmarks. It’s idiotic, and I will not enable him. He’s not even doing it because he wants to. You heard him. He’s doing it for Lance.” Tears rolled down her pale cheeks. “Lance is dead, genius, and this family has lost enough. So no, I will not drive you to the airport. Neither will Carlos.” She pinned Alicia with a look. “And don’t you dare.” She spoke through gritted teeth.