Impulse Control (Entangled Indulgence) (Men of the Zodiac)

by Amanda Usen

  Alicia shook her head. “Nope.”

  Russ looked at his parents. They stood side by side, as always. His mother took a deep breath and closed her eyes, turning her face into his father’s shoulder.

  His father’s expression was impassive. “I’m sorry, son.”

  Russ shrugged, too weary to care. “I’ll call a taxi.”

  Jessie and Alicia didn’t budge as he approached the door. “Don’t do this, Russ.” Alicia reached up to cup his cheek. “Lance wanted to live.”

  He pressed a kiss to her palm. “That’s what I’m doing.”

  He slipped past them and made his way to the front of the house, where his bag was waiting. No one followed him. He’d finally cut all ties. He should be glad they weren’t trying harder to keep him home. Jessie was right; Everest was dangerous. He had no intention of dying on the mountain, but fate was fickle. That’s why he’d left Susannah, and why he was glad his family was at least mostly resigned to letting him leave. He didn’t want to hurt them, but he had to go.

  He called for a cab and watched out the window. When it arrived, he shouldered his bag and hurried out the front door, sliding into the car before the driver could get out. “Dulles.”

  The front of the taxi was wallpapered with a collage of baby pictures. “Yours?” Russ found himself asking.

  The driver guffawed. “Grandkids.” He pulled out into traffic, laying on the horn. “I’ve got a dozen of them. Best things in my life.”

  Russ couldn’t help but picture his parents standing alone in an empty house. With Jessie signing on for a political career, there would be no grandkids for them any time soon. He wondered how they would have reacted to Billy. Probably much the same as he had—utter adoration. He rubbed the back of his aching neck and looked out the window.

  He didn’t glance forward again until they reached the departure curb, and then he thrust a ridiculous amount of cash through the slot. “For the grandkids.”

  He hauled his bag out of the taxi. Since he was already checked in, he headed straight for the TSA preapproved security lane. Were there always this many kids at the airport?

  While he waited, he focused on the toddler in the lane next to him who looked like he was contemplating a jailbreak. Sure enough, the kid darted under the rope. Russ found himself tensing, getting ready to grab him, but the kid’s father ducked under the rope and caught his hand, tugging him back to his side. Russ relaxed, feeling foolish.

  The family moved ahead, but there was another one with a baby just behind them. This one was smaller, bald, smooshy-faced, with one ping-pong-ball-sized fist jammed against a cheek. The other hand clutched the corner of a pink blanket. Her skin was so delicate it looked like velvet. He’d never seen anything so lush and soft-looking. Looking at her made his chest feel tight. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

  He caught the mother’s eye. “How old is she?”

  “Seven weeks,” she replied, smiling.

  “I didn’t know they were so…portable.”

  “Have boobs, will travel.”

  Her husband was standing behind her, weighed down with carry-ons and a car seat. He rolled his eyes. “Over-sharing, dear.”

  “Sorry.” Her grin was unrepentant. “We’re off to visit Grandma, and I’m a little giddy. My vacation starts the minute I get off the plane.”

  The line forked, and Russ moved ahead. “Safe travels.”

  “You, too,” the couple called as they moved into the next line. He handed his ID and boarding pass to the security agent. Out of the corner of his eye he kept track of the couple. After he was cleared to move ahead, he stepped aside. His heart hammered, and sweat dampened his armpits and the center of his back as he watched them fumble their way through security. The husband piled their shoes and belongings into plastic tubs and took the baby from his wife so she could go through the machine first.

  They looked so happy on their airport adventure, working as a team, going to see Grandma, for God’s sake, who would no doubt be overjoyed to see her daughter, granddaughter, and son-in-law. What would Susannah’s mother have thought of him? He knew his parents would love her, and the desire to introduce them to her was all-consuming. Breath hissed in and out of his lungs, and his face tingled as the emotions he’d been ignoring since he’d left Susannah’s house last weekend ripped through him.

  “Sir, are you all right?”

  He shook his head, and the security guard’s expression went from concerned to cautious.

  He fought to pull himself together. The last thing he wanted to do was alarm airport security. “I’m fine.”

  Dread built inside him as he laid his backpack on the conveyor belt and waited his turn at the machine. He stepped through, waited to be cleared, and emerged on the other side. He grabbed his bag, checked the sign overhead to see which way to go to reach his gate—and staggered and fell onto a bench. I want a baby girl who looks like Susannah and has velvet skin.

  Lance would have loved to have children. He and Alicia would have made awesome babies and, if Russ had been the one to die, he would have been furious with Lance for wasting his life alone. Susannah was right: the loss of his brother had broken his heart. But she’d begun to mend it. She’d made him want to live instead of chasing death on mountains and rivers, and he’d abandoned her.

  Jessie’s words came back to him. Holy fuck. He was a total asshat.

  He stood and whirled, intending to find a gate agent and change his ticket. He could be on Susannah’s doorstep in a matter of hours. Scrambling in his pocket, he found his phone and texted her the only words that came to mind.

  I’m sorry.

  He waited for bubbles to pop up, but none appeared.

  His heart sank. What had he expected? He’d left her when she needed him most—a text wasn’t going to cut it. He’d have to work to gain her forgiveness. He hustled through the crowds until he saw his airline displayed on a desk and approached the available agent. “I need the first flight to New York City, any area airport is fine.”

  “Certainly.”

  As she typed, he remembered his mother’s expression right before she’d hidden her face in his father’s shoulder. “Wait—let’s look at tomorrow.” Susannah wasn’t the only person who deserved his apology. He’d pushed his family to the breaking point today, and he needed to see them again before returning to New York. The weird disconnect he’d felt since leaving Susannah’s house wasn’t entirely gone, but now that his emotions were back online he recognized that it had been despair, not disinterest, haunting his parents’ expressions. He saw grief underscoring the fury in Jessie’s eyes, and he deeply regretted the pain he’d undoubtedly caused Alicia. He tamped down the urgency screaming at him to find Susannah. He’d do whatever it took to make it up to her, but first he had to make things right with his family.

  He winced at the thought of how Susannah would feel if Billy grew up and blithely announced he was going to attempt to climb Mount Everest. Asshat’s too good for me. I’m an absolute bastard.

  His phone signaled a text, and Susannah’s name scrolled across the screen. His heart slammed. “Never mind. Can you credit my account? I’ll book a flight later.” He couldn’t wait another minute to start living.

  …

  “You just missed him.” The man who answered the door looked like a silver fox version of Russ, blue-eyed and tanned. His spine was steel-straight, but his expression was haggard as he gazed over her shoulder at Bergman, who’d insisted on accompanying Billy and Susannah to DC. “We’ve lost him for good, Rich. He wants Everest.”

  “Jesus, Michael. I thought you were still doing interviews for the charity,” Bergman said.

  “We wrapped up an hour ago.”

  Bergman led her into the house. “Did he sprint out the door?”

  “Practically.”

  Susannah hiked Billy higher on her hip and put her hand on Senator Donovan’s arm. “Then let’s go get him. Or go with him. If he just left then he’s still at the airport. This ma
dness has gone far enough, and I’m not letting him go.”

  “You must be Susannah Stone.” Humor flashed in his pale blue gaze, making him look even more like Russ.

  She nodded. “And this is my son, Billy. We’ve both grown quite fond of Russ, and if he’s going to Everest, we are, too. Care to make it a family affair?” she asked, hoping Russ’s wild streak had been inherited.

  She knew she was right when his eyes gleamed. “Damn right. Let’s go. Doris! Jessie! Is Alicia still here? Where’s Carlos? We’re leaving.”

  Susannah’s phone blared in her pocket. She scanned the foyer, identified no immediate toddler threats, and set Billy on his feet. Although she knew it was probably Holly or a work-related text, she couldn’t help but hope.

  Her pounding heart skipped a beat when she saw Russ’s name on the screen.

  I’m sorry.

  Billy began to explore, so she followed him, thoughts whirling. Russ’s text could go two ways. Sorry for leaving—which would be awesome. Or sorry I’m about to take a swan dive off the highest mountain in the world—which would suck sheep balls.

  As she stared at the screen, she heard a woman gasp. A fifty-ish blonde watched Billy climb into an empty cupboard and do his best to shut the door behind him. “Oh my God, Russ used to do that all the time. That’s why I don’t keep anything in there. I always hoped—” She burst into tears.

  Susannah rushed over and squeezed her arm. “We’re going to bring him back, Mrs. Donovan. I promise you won’t lose another son.” Her screen had gone dark. “Can you help me keep an eye on Billy? I need to text Russ back.”

  The other woman’s eyes shot wide, and she nodded. Susannah sank down on the stairs, keeping Billy in sight.

  Sorry for what?

  The response was instant.

  For being an idiot.

  Her eyes blurred, and her hand shook so hard she couldn’t type. She watched the bubbles on the screen.

  As soon as I talk to my family, I’ll be on a plane back to NY. Wait for me. Please? Give me another chance. I don’t want to tell you I love you in a text.

  A laugh bubbled past the lump in her throat.

  Get your ass home, Wild Man.

  Bergman dropped down beside her on the stairs and sighed, putting his arm around her. “I’m sorry, Susannah. It seemed like a match made in heaven, but rich old men do foolish things sometimes. I should have known better than to try to play God. A man as stubborn as Russ only responds to the direct approach, like a baseball bat applied to his thick skull.”

  Susannah looked at the Donovans, who were hovering near Billy. “Do you have a baseball bat? He’s heading this way.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “He’s here!” Mrs. Donovan opened the door and raced outside, followed by her husband, daughter, Rich Bergman, and Alicia, the woman Susannah had learned was a close family friend, not Russ’s Washington girlfriend.

  “If you ever climb a mountain, I’m coming with you,” she whispered into Billy’s hair. The tears she’d staunched poured down her face at the sight of Russ in his parents’ arms, and she held Billy tight, waiting for them to come back into the house.

  Her pulse raced as Russ stepped through the front door.

  “Welcome home, Wild Man.”

  His jaw dropped, and then he wrapped his arms around Billy and her, enveloping them in the scent of sunshine. “What are you doing…how did you get here? Never mind…I don’t care…I’m just glad you’re here.”

  “We were looking for you. I’m thrilled you came to your senses before we had to book a flight to Mount Everest.” She burrowed closer, listening to his heart thunder beneath her ear. “But we would have done it. Ever since you scratched the surface of my adventurous streak, it’s been getting wilder. You’re going to have to do more to get rid of us than hop on a plane. I’ve decided I want to be your Wild Woman, after all.”

  “I don’t want to get rid of you. I love you, Susannah—Billy, too, so much—I don’t ever want to leave you again.” His arms tightened around them. “Something broke inside me when Lance died. I didn’t think it could be fixed. I swore I’d never leave anyone behind, and I cut ties with everyone close to me, my parents, my friends, my Special Forces team. I didn’t let anyone in…but you got in.”

  He lifted his head and gazed at her with pale, fierce eyes. “Every status update about how much I wanted you was true. I haven’t been able to think about anything else since the moment you challenged me in Bergman’s office. After what happened between us on that camping trip, I nearly killed myself in Bhutan trying to convince myself I wasn’t the right man for you, and when I walked into your kitchen to film the second show…I’d never been more terrified in my life. I wanted to stay forever.” He made a noise that was part chuckle, part sigh. “You were right—so right—when you said I push myself because of what happened to Lance. I made a mistake, a huge mistake, and he died. I’ve been running from the guilt and the pain ever since. Lance asked me to keep living for him, and I used that as my excuse to keep running. I felt like quitting would be failing him, but I’m in love with you, Susannah. I don’t want to leave you. Actually, I can’t leave you. I barely made it past security.”

  “I don’t want you to go anywhere without me.” Her heart had settled into a steadier beat when he put his arms around them, but it began to pound again. “I felt like I was losing my mind when you were in Bhutan. I wanted it to be real. I wanted to do all of those things with you—the beach, the jungle, Paris. I lied the other night—I didn’t just want the Wild Man for one night. I wanted you to be part of our lives forever. When you played with Billy and read him those stories, you stole my heart, and the night we went out to dinner I flat-out fell in love with you. I wanted you to stay, and I felt like such a fool when you didn’t. It wasn’t the first time I’d turned myself inside out for a man who left me.” She reached up to stroke his face. “But our time together opened my eyes, Russ. You showed me I’m strong in ways I never guessed.”

  Billy was starting to squirm, and when Russ held out his arms, he jumped.

  Russ caught him and flew him around like an airplane and then hoisted him up onto his shoulders, holding him there with one hand while Billy giggled and grabbed his hair. Her heart swelled.

  “I love you, Russ Donovan, but I’m not going to stay home waiting for you. If you leave, we’re coming with you.”

  With one arm, Russ pulled her close and bent to kiss her. His mouth was possessive and fearless. A small hand worked its way between their lips, and he lifted his head. “No need for that. I think I’ll stick close to home for a while. It’s time for me to tackle a real challenge.”

  As if on cue, Billy began making monkey noises.

  Susannah grinned. “Or perhaps we should explore the Amazon, after all.”

  Russ dipped his shoulder, and Billy fell into his arms between them. “I do know of a few places in the rain forest where he’d fit right in.”

  Bergman cleared his throat. “You’re welcome to film as many episodes of At Home in the Wild as you like.”

  She’d forgotten Russ’s family was standing around them.

  Russ set Billy on his feet, and he headed straight for the cupboard again. Russ caught her gaze and grinned. “What do you say, Wild Woman? Should we have the best of both worlds?”

  Joy filled her heart. “Pack the tent.”

  Epilogue

  March 25th, one month later

  Russ half surfaced from sleep as Susannah traced the spiraling horns of his tattoo with her fingertip. They’d continued their tradition of joining Billy in his afternoon nap whenever they could. “I’m going to wake Billy up and get ready for the party.” She pressed a kiss between his shoulder blades. “Come down when you’ve shaken off your sex coma.”

  He mumbled his assent and pulled the blanket up, confused by the sensation of the cotton quilt under his fingers. He could have sworn he’d been wrapped in feathery goose down. He sank into sleep again.

  More f
eathers, and he was bleeding. He hung, suspended by one thigh. The pain was excruciating. He heard muscle tear and felt his hip socket strain, and then he was being lifted onto a ledge.

  Now the water was crystal clear, and the sky above him was endless. Swimming with dolphins was fun, but swimming with sharks? Fucking exhilarating. He skimmed closer, trying to see into a crevice, hoping the island legends were true. His leg brushed against a rock, and something drifted past his mask. It was beautiful. Pink algae? It disappeared when he touched it, but he saw more behind him. Red? His muscles contracted, exploding with adrenaline, the purest rush he’d ever felt, and he flew out of the water.

  “Good thing she gave me wings, huh? Otherwise I’d never have been able to rescue your clumsy ass so many times.” Lance’s laugh stopped his heart.

  Russ looked over his shoulder. Massive wings shaded in gray and black extended above them, and they soared. They banked, flipping ninety degrees until they were standing on air with the icefalls of Everest in front of them, frozen and forbidding. The air thinned. His throat closed, and his lungs burned. His heart pounded hard enough to burst. A crack of lightning split the sky, and the ice roared, shifting and sliding. They continued to rise, up and up, over the peak.

  “I’m glad you finally figured out what I meant by living. Keep up the good work, bro.” A slow smile spread across Lance’s face, the same reckless grin he’d had at the beginning of every adventure they’d shared.

  Russ turned midair and wrapped his arms around his little brother, holding him tight. Lance’s hand clasped the back of his neck, and the ice around Russ’s heart splintered and cracked; the weight he’d carried for six years melted away, finally freeing him.

  Russ hurled toward the mountain, through the ice and debris, rivers and oceans, glaciers and pyramids. He hit, gasping, jolting, wide-awake, and sprang out of bed, hearing enough noise downstairs to know he’d slept longer than he should.