Intoxicated

by Alicia Renee Kline

  Blake passed out our presents; of course the one for Matthew was decidedly heavier than the one she handed to me. I already knew that from my sneak peek this morning. I set the massive box on my lap, toying with the red ribbon instead of ripping into the wrapping paper. Oddly enough, Matthew didn’t dive into his, either. Blake looked at us, confusion lighting her features, then threw up her hands in frustration. “What are you two waiting for?”

  We both said approximately the same thing at about the same time: “I wanted to watch him/her open it.”

  She snorted. “What am I going to do with the two of you? Open them at the same time. The suspense is killing me.”

  We did as instructed, neither one of us eager to disappoint the self-promoted mistress of ceremonies. Truth be told, the methodical tearing open of my gift did help to occupy my mind a little and keep me from focusing on what his reaction would be to what I had chosen. I was still nervous that he wouldn’t like it, especially after the present that Blake had gotten him appeared to knock one out of the ballpark, whatever it was.

  It was no surprise that when I removed the top of the box all I saw was a sea of packing peanuts. I glanced up at Matthew to see if he was looking at me, but he was focused extricating his own present. I reached down into the Styrofoam and wiggled my hand around, finally touching the corner of an envelope. I fished it out of the box, sending a flurry of peanuts to the carpet. The envelope was a bright green and not written on, but still sealed. I slid my finger in the small gap at the top to open it.

  Inside was a card, very similar to the one that had been left by Blake on my desk at work. I wondered if they had pooled their resources and gotten one small box of greeting cards. The humor in this thought made me smile at first, then saddened me as I realized that if they did so it was only because of their lack of people to share the holiday with. I opened the card, a folded piece of paper fluttering to the floor as I did so.

  My breath hitched as I read the inscription.

  To Lauren,

  Your acceptance means more than you will ever know. Thank you for being the most radiant light in a world that has been dark for far too long.

  I love you, too.

  Matthew

  I read the short message over and over, until, once again, I felt that all eyes were on me. When I looked up, I saw that Matthew had clearly stopped unwrapping his present from me to watch for my reaction. My lips parted a couple different times, but no sound came out. His sentiment had left me speechless. Though I knew it was directly related to the night at his house when I had been attempting to convince him to join us for Thanksgiving, I had been utterly unprepared for it. Hell, I hadn’t even meant to say it to him, but it had popped out against my better judgment. And here it was again, coming back at me from the person who had vowed he didn’t deserve that affection from me. No matter how it was intended, the gravity of the moment was huge.

  He had freely told me he loved me. Written it down, even, so that I couldn’t pretend I had misunderstood him. This had been done intentionally, for posterity; it couldn’t be taken back. It had been wrapped up and given to me, had sat in my home unbeknownst to me. Now that I had seen it, there were no do-overs. He couldn’t rip the card from my hands and brainwash me into thinking I had imagined it; the image would be forever burned into my memory. He had given me a piece of his heart.

  He had given me what I wanted most from Eric but had never gotten.

  “By the way, the card is not your present,” he said softly. “This is.”

  While I had been quietly freaking out, he had set down his own still unopened gift and crossed over to where I sat. In his hand he held the paper that had fallen out of the envelope. He held it out to me, on bended knee, his eyes firmly locked with mine. The Christmas tree behind him illuminated the scene, and if I scrunched my eyes closed far enough, this whole thing took on a far different meaning.

  It was best not to go there, not to think that way.

  My lips still unable to form words, I nodded dumbly and took the paper from him. My fingers trembled as I unfolded the page. I calmed slightly once I realized that the sheet appeared to be a poster of some sort printed off the computer. For a moment, I had been expecting even more shocking revelations – a lengthy letter, a poem, I wasn’t sure what. I blinked to clear the panic-induced cloudiness from my vision and met those beautiful eyes yet again. Matthew smiled at me encouragingly, and I turned back to the mystery he had represented as my gift.

  It was, in fact, a poster of sorts, the kind that smaller clubs and bars prepare to advertise a coming event to their venue. I scanned the information quickly and gathered that Parabelle would be playing an upcoming show in Indianapolis. The bar was a place I had never heard of but I was at least familiar enough with the area. The show was on a Friday night in February.

  “We’re going?” I whispered.

  “I promised you we would, right?” was his response.

  I was instantly transported back to that night in November and all of the emotional ups and downs I had felt then. I relived them all tenfold as he continued on about his plans for the evening. He noted that with February weather being so unpredictable we likely wouldn’t get to take the Mustang like I’d said I wanted to. He talked about how we would have just enough time to grab something quick to eat after work and then head down to Indy for the show. He seemed just as excited about the adventure as I did, perhaps even more so.

  “Thank you,” I interrupted him, realizing that Blake remained in the room with us. I wondered what she made of all this; her expression was unreadable. Fortunately, she didn’t look upset. I doubted that she knew how he had signed my card and I wasn’t about to mention it.

  “You’re welcome,” he said, understanding my silent cue.

  “Now open yours,” I urged, “I don’t think I can stand to wait any longer.”

  “Okay,” he said as he rose to his feet and gave me a quick hug. “We’ll talk later.”

  I nodded again, slowly getting my wits about me with each passing moment. I stashed the poster back into the card and set it as close to me as possible for safekeeping. Until I could store this gift away somewhere private, I wasn’t about to let it out of my sight.

  Matthew returned to his spot by the tree and picked up his present. As he slowly unwrapped it, I felt that familiar twinge of uncertainty as I wondered if my gift would be as well received. The waiting was excruciating, and as he pulled the final traces of paper off I let out the breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding.

  “Oh wow,” he said softly, “this is awesome. Thank you, gorgeous.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “What is it?” Blake asked with interest. Obviously at some point Matthew had told her what my gift was, but I hadn’t spilled the beans on his. Either that, or she couldn’t care less about what her brother had gotten me. I doubted that was true. She scooted closer to him to get a better look.

  Back when Matthew had given me a tour of his home, I had noticed several pieces of hockey memorabilia scattered about. Based on that, I had gathered that he was quite the Red Wings fan. Of course, his conversations with me never touched upon that subject. I assumed that he saved that kind of talk for his evenings out with Chris. So I had gone out on a limb and purchased a large framed panoramic photograph of the interior of Joe Louis Arena. The print itself was pretty cool, even for a non-hockey lover.

  “Nice,” Blake said. Her inflection implied that she was appreciative of the artwork, not the subject matter.

  “Yes, it is,” he confirmed. “Now I need to figure out where to put it. Maybe over the fireplace?” He turned to Blake, giving her a pointed look that suggested he was asking her for her professional opinion.

  She shrugged playfully. “I thought you only wanted gift cards from me. I figured my services are no longer desired.”

  “Every once in a while would be fine. Like now.”

  “I thought so. We’ll figure it out tomorrow, I’m sure.”

 
“Or tonight?” Matthew asked, “We could always move the party back to my place.”

  “No way,” Blake said, elbowing him, “You convinced me to stay at your place last night. Tonight, the sleepover’s on my turf. Besides, you haven’t decorated for the holiday.”

  “You didn’t either,” Matthew grinned, “your roommate did.”

  “I guess you have a point.”

  As their conversation turned to their typical sibling banter, I took the opportunity to slip upstairs with my gifts. A smile lit my face as I shut the door on their good natured ribbing. They would be together on Christmas morning just like almost every other year. I hadn’t considered a sleepover; I wondered if that idea had sprouted after I’d expressed the possibility of heading down to Indy early. Knowing Blake, if I decided to stay here until morning, she’d shelve the option. After the past month or so, I couldn’t fathom her allowing Matthew and me to spend the entire night together, chaperoned or not.

  I tucked Matthew’s card into my sock drawer, buried underneath the tightly balled up cotton pairs. Part of me considered taking it with me to show to Gracie, but I knew how dangerous that would be. Even a picture snapped on my cell would be subject to discovery by Eric. There was no need to add fuel to that fire. I would just have to settle for attempting to have a private moment with her during all of the chaos. I knew how easily she would jump to the improbable conclusion that he was declaring his most intimate feelings, not just a token of friendship. I had to admit that I was looking forward to hearing her wild ideas. It was flattering to think that someone like myself could be caught up in a love triangle, no matter how far-fetched.

  I set to work packing a small overnight bag with the essentials for my road trip. A pair of jeans and a sweater would suffice for my father’s house; he wasn’t overly traditional. My new train case from Blake also made the cut, along with my shampoo and conditioner. I had pajamas and a toothbrush at Eric’s as well as a small hairdryer that did a good enough job. Just the basics at his place, nothing more. With me being there so little it was hardly practical to have my entire arsenal duplicated at the condo. Still, he had seemed appeased by the fact that I had left some belongings there. Before I exited my room, I grabbed an empty fabric shopping bag for the gifts I was bringing.

  My descent down the stairs with the bags clearly announced my intentions. Both Blake and Matthew watched as I filled the empty bag with the remainder of the unopened presents.

  “Leaving so soon?” Blake asked with a hint of surprise.

  I nodded. “I figure the damage here is done. If I get too comfortable here, I’ll probably end up in a food coma and miss Christmas in Indy all together. As it is, I probably won’t get to Eric’s before it gets dark.”

  Blake crossed the room to give me yet another hug. “Thanks again for everything. And drive safely.”

  “You’re welcome. And I will.”

  I squeezed her tightly before letting go. A moment of awkward silence passed as her brother and I debated on our send off. He hovered a few feet away, as unsure as I was of what to do next.

  “I’ll help you to your car,” Matthew volunteered. He lifted both bags easily and I followed him empty-handed out to the kitchen. I collected my purse and coat from their position at the table and fell into step behind him yet again.

  Once the garage door had been secured tightly behind us and we were safely out of Blake’s earshot, I swallowed hard and attempted to summon my courage. There were so many things that I wanted to say, that I wanted to ask him that I was afraid they would all come out in an incomprehensible heap. Instead of going for the most pressing question on my mind I chose instead to ask the one I figured I had the most chance of getting an answer to.

  As casually as I could, I popped the trunk and walked to the back of my car. His eyes were focused on the task at hand. With him not looking at me, conversation was simpler. “What did Blake get you, anyway?”

  He set my bags in the car before answering. “She put together a scrapbook of pictures of the two of us growing up. Just us, no other family members. Some of those pictures I haven’t seen in years. When everything happened, I never thought about taking them with me and just assumed that they were gone forever. Apparently Blake grabbed a whole bunch of stuff that I didn’t know about and saved it.”

  “That’s a pretty awesome gift.”

  “I have a pretty awesome sister,” he admitted. “I’ll show you the pictures sometime.”

  “I’d like that. And what was in the locket you gave her?”

  “A tiny copy of the picture of us on her mantle. As grownups, not as kids.”

  “Some people might say that you’re a pretty awesome brother.”

  Even though the bags had been put down several seconds prior, he continued staring into the trunk. He shrugged. “Maybe sometimes. I have a lot of making up to do for things, though.”

  “I think she’d beg to differ. I know I do. Sometimes I’m jealous of the relationship the two of you have.”

  That caught his attention like I intended it to. His eyes swung up to meet mine. Deep ocean blue orbs stared down at me, squinting slightly as he posed his silent question.

  “Being an only child,” I continued, “I never got to experience that kind of bond. I always wondered what it would be like to have a brother or a sister. Someone who had grown up with you and knew everything there was to know about you and loved you anyway.”

  “Sometimes it’s like that,” he mused, “but other times I think I’d be just as happy choking her.”

  I snorted.

  “You would have made someone a wonderful sister, but it just wasn’t in the cards.”

  “I guess it wasn’t. I’m just beginning to understand why it never happened. Because I was so young when my mom died, I never saw for myself how much my dad loved her. Part of me wanted him to date again or get remarried and create an instant family. Now I realize that he could never do that. My mom was his soulmate, pure and simple. I only hope I’m lucky enough to have that, too.”

  “You don’t have that with the boyfriend?”

  “I have the feeling that if I have to ask myself that, I probably don’t.”

  “Then why stay?”

  That was the million dollar question. I sighed deeply and averted my eyes to the ground, tracing circles upon the concrete floor with the toe of my boot. He allowed me my silence for a few moments before he moved to tuck a stray lock of hair behind my ear, effectively prompting me for a response.

  “My parents are like the gold standard of relationships. If I keep trying to compare my relationship with Eric to that, it’s always going to come up short. Maybe I’m not meant to find that soulmate experience. Or maybe I have, but I can’t see it because I’m too focused on all of his faults.”

  “Well, there’s enough of them there to keep you occupied for a while,” he grinned, then thought better of it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  I placed my hand on the trunk to close it at exactly the same time Matthew did. Together, we lowered the trunk until it latched closed. Our fingers remained on the lid long after the contents of the trunk had been secured inside, dangerously close to one another. I contemplated shifting my weight so that I accidentally bumped into him, but my hand remained frozen in place. It didn’t matter anyway; he beat me to the punch.

  As his hand grasped mine, I caught him looking nervously towards the door that led inside. We had been out here for a few minutes now, and I could tell he was debating whether he had enough time to say something else before Blake sent out a search party. His touch burned like always and my resolve to get in the car and drive off began to melt away.

  “Lauren, I –“

  “I really need to leave,”

  The words came all at once. If I had waited a second longer to bow out gracefully, I might not have said anything at all. I wanted to hear his confession, but as it was, my badly timed sentiment stopped that train of t
hought completely. His eyes closed and he nodded slowly. He released my hand and it swung back to my side.

  “Matthew,” I said softly, “we’ll talk later, okay?”

  “Sure,” he said, summoning all of his strength to sound optimistic. His face contorted as he pulled me to him for a quick hug. Before he let me go, his lips brushed the top of my head, sending shivers down my spine. “Now go make the boyfriend happy.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Eric’s BMW greeted me in the parking garage, a silent reminder to gather up my composure and remember who I was here to see and what I intended to accomplish. I pulled the Sonata in next to it, for the first time feeling no shame in my choice of transportation. Sure, his vehicle still cost nearly double mine, but I refused to feel embarrassed about that. As I climbed out and went around back to the trunk, I stared at the shiny red beauty and almost forgave him for being so anal about his car. I could finally see where he was coming from.

  The two hour drive to Indy was the first lengthy road trip I had taken in my new car so far. It would have been enjoyable if I hadn’t have been so preoccupied. Instead of calling Gracie as I had intended, I had sped down here in silence, not even turning on the radio. My mind was reeling with the words Matthew had written in his card to me and the things that had been left unsaid. I knew I was getting ahead of myself. The two things may not even have been related, but I was numb nonetheless.

  I fired off a quick text to Blake to let her know that I had arrived in one piece. She didn’t respond back, but I knew that if I wouldn’t have informed her, she would have called in a couple hours looking for me. Knowing that she was with Matthew tonight, I wondered what they would talk about. I seriously doubted he would confide whatever it was he had been about to say, but I couldn’t be sure. The way he had looked about prior to beginning indicated that it was for my ears only. However, Blake had an uncanny ability to weed out the truth. I wouldn’t blame him if he caved and told her first.