Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  It was the Red Alert she’d taken from Mrs Peasley’s office.

  Alice’s heart skipped a beat. So much had happened that she had forgotten about it. Snatching up the pages, she sat down on the hard bed and read it at last.

  The words on the first sheet were in bold black ink.

  ALICE DENT

  This girl is DEADLY and highly DANGEROUS.

  If seen DO NOT APPROACH.

  ANY sightings MUST be reported.

  Alice’s stomach plummeted. She couldn’t breathe. But even worse, underneath her name was her last school photo.

  Alice hated that picture. It was the worst one ever. The day before, Mr Dent had frazzled her hair by using extra-concentrated nit killer. She looked like a distressed poodle in a blue checked dress; her class had laughed for a whole week after they had seen it. Yet now Alice was glad the picture was so bad. Surely no one could recognize her from that – not in Tryton Mell uniform with her hair so neatly plaited.

  ‘Hurry up everyone!’ shouted Emerald. She shook Alice’s curtain. ‘You OK Portland?’

  ‘F-f-fine . . . just a minute . . .’

  Shaking, Alice picked up the second sheet. This was a handwritten note, marked ‘FOR THE URGENT ATTENTION OF MISS GRAMMATICUS.’ Alice knew you should never read someone else’s mail but this was an emergency.

  Dear Miss Grammaticus,

  I hope you’ re getting all those grubby good-for-nothing children scrubbed and better behaved. The police have instructions to send you as many as possible; every child in the country would benefit from being under your care.

  I’ m sending you this letter to warn you that the Dent child might come your way. I nearly had her, but she’s cleverer than she looks and slipped past my men. They’ve been severely punished, but that doesn’t help us to find her. This is a disaster – it’s been confirmed that she’s got a Pirus . . .

  Alice gulped, trying not to panic. There it was in black and white: Pirus. Not a Pie Russ then. But what on earth was a Pirus?

  She read on.

  . . . luckily her doctor followed my instructions to check out all snotty children just incase and swabbed her throat so we picked it up.

  You know what will happen if it spreads. We might be safe though, my men have been searching for any trace of the Pirus antidote since the Dent child was detected and we know now that there’s one vial left. We just need to find it.

  Meanwhile, I’ve ordered all public health doctors and nurses to stand by; we might have to quarantine whole schools full of children by the time we find the little wretch. We know that if one child catches it, they’ll all get it; they’re such nasty little super-spreaders.

  The best of hygiene to you,

  Best Minister for Everything Nicely Perfect

  The note dropped from Alice’s fingers. She felt numb with shock. The Best Minister for Everything Nicely Perfect again! What was going on? Luckily, she’d snatched the Red Alert before Mrs Peasley could give it to Miss Grammaticus, so she was safe here for now, but for how long?

  ‘Portland! Are you OK? We’re waiting for you!’

  Alice quickly shoved the envelope behind the wardrobe, undressed and climbed into the voluminous brown material. It was a bit, but not much, like a saggy swimsuit.

  She pulled back the curtain.

  ‘That’s right,’ said Chloe encouragingly, dressed in an identical suit. ‘Come on, everyone’s waiting.’

  She took Alice to the toilets and led her into the end cubicle.

  Alice stared.

  Instead of the toilet there were two circular holes in the wall. One was labelled ‘Grubby’. The other was labelled ‘Clean’.

  ‘Now slide!’ instructed Chloe. ‘Like this!’ She stepped over the ledge of the Grubby hole, sat down and disappeared.

  Alice rushed over.

  The hole led to what looked like a water chute. Alice peered in disbelief. Yes, it was a water chute, leading off into a dazzling blue tunnel, with a stream of warm soapy water rushing down it.

  ‘Hurry up!’

  Behind her, the others had lined up, each wearing a similar baggy suit. Nervously, Alice sat down and pushed off. She slid faster and faster, looping round in a blue swirl. The soapy water made rainbow bubbles that clung to her.

  Despite everything, despite the photo, despite the Pirus (whatever that was), Alice couldn’t help laughing. This was so much better than being locked in her bedroom.

  Then suddenly she shot out of the end and dropped into swirling warm water.

  ‘See – I told you it was a bathsuit!’ shouted Chloe, her dark eyes shining.

  Alice had never seen a bath like it. There were hundreds of children swimming and jumping in a big pool of green coloured waves. There was already a mass of foam on top of the water, but it rose higher and higher as more children dropped from the forest of chutes above.

  ‘Professor Tryton built it. Luckily Miss Gram-maticus reckons it’s more time efficient for us all to have a bath together and kept it,’ explained Chloe, floating in the foam. ‘It washes your hair too.’

  The foam was almost up to their heads by now. Alice lay back in the soapy suds, the bubbles gently tickling her. She couldn’t stop giggling, but luckily no one could hear her over the splashing, fizzing and popping.

  The bath was connected to the rinsing pool by a slope so wide that twenty children could slide together into the fresh carbolic-soap-scented water. Alice and Chloe spent a long time rinsing. They were still there when another bell clanged warningly.

  ‘Spinning time! Come on!’

  Chloe helped secure Alice into a wire alcove on a large vertical wheel while Mrs Peasley waited impatiently. When the alcoves were full, the teacher cranked a giant handle and the wheel of cages spun very fast, flinging water everywhere. This made Alice sneeze quite badly, but luckily no one noticed.

  ‘Blow dry now!’ explained Chloe, and they stepped down into a dark tunnel, heads still spinning.

  Warm air propelled Alice strongly forwards and upwards. By the time she’d half flown up their dormitory ladder and stepped out of the ‘Clean’ hole back into the toilet cubicle, she was giggling helplessly and perfectly dry.

  ‘That’s the bedtime bell,’ said Chloe warningly, as a bell sounded. ‘If we’re not in bed by the second bell, we’re in trouble. Mrs Peasley comes in after lights out to check on us.’

  All around them, girls were scrambling into bed. Alice pulled on the mud-brown pyjamas that had mysteriously appeared on her bed during bathtime. Trying not to mind that she looked like she was wearing a baggy pillowcase, Alice climbed in under the covers and lay there, thinking.

  The door opened. Alice pretended to be asleep. After a few moments she heard it close again.

  ‘You OK?’ whispered Chloe.

  ‘Yeah,’ Alice turned to face her. ‘Chloe, how long have you been here?’

  ‘’Bout three years. I came when Professor Tryton was in charge. It was great then. We laughed all the time – even the lessons were fun. The Professor was fantastic. And staying in Tryton Mell was amazing . . . the best thing . . . well . . .’ Chloe paused, struggling to explain, but Alice could see her face beaming in the dim light.

  ‘But it’s been terrible since Miss Grammaticus arrived,’ Chloe added at last.

  ‘You’re not kidding,’ whispered Emerald, who had been listening.

  ‘I don’t understand. Why didn’t you all just leave as soon she came?’

  ‘Coz it’s impossible, Miss Grammaticus won’t let us,’ Chloe explained. ‘Some of the others tried running away but they got caught.’ She shuddered. ‘Mrs Peasley loved punishing them for that.’

  Alice puzzled over everything as she lay awake. What was the Pirus? What was it going to do to her? Why was the Best Minister so worried about it? What would happen to her here? How could she keep her nails squeaky clean?

  It was a long time before she fell asleep.

  ‘Wake up Maggott! The bell went five minutes ago!’

  A
lice awoke with a jerk. Someone had tugged her bedcovers off and was viciously shaking her shoulder. She had been having such a weird dream too, that a massive pie was chasing her, pushed by a giant woman shaking a duster and shouting . . .

  She opened her eyes and groaned. The giant woman was looming above her. Alice shut her eyes quickly as a jug of cold water cascaded over her head.

  ‘If you’re not ready in five minutes and down with the others, Maggott . . .’ Mrs Peasley didn’t need to finish.

  ‘Sorry,’ Emerald said as the door closed. ‘Here’s your towel. We did try and wake you, but you were fast asleep. She comes in every morning, just after the bell . . . if you’re not up . . . well, you know now . . .’

  Alice nodded.

  ‘You need to get a move on!’ said Chloe, her face anxious. ‘Come on!’

  Alice got washed and dressed more quickly then she would ever have believed possible. Chloe expertly plaited Alice’s hair and Emerald pulled her uniform straight so that it fell into the correct creases.

  ‘Shame your hair’s curly, and it’s browny-ginger in places. I’ve gelled down the sticky out bits, but Miss Grammaticus might make you cut it all off if she spots the different colours, she hates imperfections,’ said Chloe, her dark eyes anxious. Alice was beginning to realize that Chloe worried a lot.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got some dark brown shoe cream; I’ll put it on and your hair will be perfect all over,’ said Emerald, taking charge once again.

  At the breakfast bell, Emerald led them out of the dormitory to a pair of polished wooden chutes on either side of the stairs – one marked ‘BOYS’ and one marked ‘GIRLS’.

  The sliding was great. By the time she had shot all the way down, racing the boys, Alice was giggling uncontrollably.

  ‘Wipe that smirk off your face, Maggott, and move it!’ ordered Trugg, poking Alice hard in the stomach. And as Alice bent double, wheezing with pain, Mrs Peasley appeared out of nowhere.

  ‘Maggott! Miss Grammaticus wants you and Mudd to report to her study at eight o’clock sharp for assessment. Don’t be late!’

  Behind her, Alice could see blocks of frozen porridge being laid out for breakfast. Her heart sank, all giggles gone now. The day had started badly and it looked like it was going to get worse – much worse.

  At 7.55 am exactly, Alice and Kevin tiptoed down an imposing blue-carpeted and pillar-lined hallway towards Miss Grammaticus’s study.

  ‘Look!’ Kevin nudged Alice.

  Alice saw it too, a human-sized cage firmly bolted to the wall next to the study door. The black metal bars looked unbreakable.

  ‘You don’t think she puts children in . . .’ she said, horrified.

  ‘Yeah I do . . . Better make sure we knock exactly on time,’ Kevin replied, his eyes wide. And at that moment Alice heard footsteps.

  ‘Shhh! It’s her!’

  They ducked behind a pillar as Miss Grammaticus glided to the keypad on her door.

  ‘Let me see now . . . what’s my door code? “Toad”?’ she muttered. ‘No, done T’s, “Ugly”? No, that was last week, what are children this week? “Vile”! Yes, that’s it!’

  She keyed in the letters, turned the knob and walked into the study, the door lock clicking shut behind her.

  Alice and Kevin exchanged agonized glances.

  ‘It’s ten seconds to eight o’clock, we’d better knock right now!’ hissed Kevin.

  Hand shaking, Alice tapped lightly on the door. Immediately, a loud intercom buzzed and the door clicked open.

  ‘Here goes,’ muttered Alice, turning the handle.

  The study was cathedral-sized, so vast they could hardly see Miss Grammaticus’s desk in the distance. But something else entirely made them goggle.

  On every wall, from floor to ceiling, were shelves impossibly crammed with clocks. There were grandfather clocks, cuckoo clocks, tiny pocket watches and enormous station clocks, all perfectly synchronized and polished.

  ‘There’s gazillions!’ Kevin whispered, awestruck.

  And as they gaped, the clocks struck the hour together.

  Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

  ‘Oh – too loud!’ gasped Alice, hastily covering her ears.

  Apart from the clocks, the study was mostly a frosty white. Reluctantly they slid forward on the snowy carpet towards the desk.

  Miss Grammaticus looked up, frowning.

  ‘Ah, two miserable newbies. Well, at least you’re on time. Punctuality and cleanliness, two qualities to be prized above all else. Come here!’

  They obeyed at once.

  Trying not to wake Precious, who was snoring by Miss Grammaticus’s feet, they waited nervously in front of her desk while she finished writing. To distract herself, Alice studied the small faded photograph facing them.

  What a rubbish picture, she thought, examining it. I think it’s supposed to be in colour, but you can’t really tell, apart from the blue sky. Everything else in it’s so black and white.

  She could make out four ghostly figures: a dark-haired girl and boy, and two grim-looking adults. They stood beside a house so bleak that it looked like a set from a horror movie.

  Wow! That little girl must be Miss Grammaticus! Alice gasped, recognizing her icy expression immediately.

  Just then, Precious twitched, opening one eye.

  ‘Uh!’ Kevin jumped, jarring the desk, and to their absolute horror the picture toppled face down on to the shiny wood.

  In a panic, Kevin tried to set it back. Alice held her breath – perhaps he could sort it before Miss Grammaticus noticed.

  But they were out of luck.

  ‘Don’t touch THAT!’ Miss Grammaticus shrieked, leaping up and grabbing the photo from him. Brimming with anger, she snatched up a thick cane.

  ‘OWWW!’ Kevin howled as she smacked him furiously across his hand.

  Miss Grammaticus lifted her cane again.

  ‘What a lovely shiny desk, Miss Grammaticus – do you use pure beeswax polish?’ Alice blurted out, desperate to distract the headmistress. She could see a nasty welt already blooming on Kevin’s skin.

  Miss Grammaticus paused, her arm still raised. Then to Alice’s relief, she abruptly let the cane drop.

  ‘So, two new children; both with filthy dirty names. I can tell you need to be here just from hearing them. Whose name is Mudd?’

  ‘Mine,’ said Kevin nervously.

  Miss Grammaticus glared at him. ‘I might have guessed. Children with terrible names are always trouble. How dare you touch my things with your grubby hands?’

  She wiped the picture frame carefully, putting it down before turning to Alice.

  ‘And you must be Maggott.’

  Alice nodded unhappily.

  ‘Well, which set shall I put you in? I’ve got to turn you into sparklingly perfect children, my reputation depends on that.’ Miss Grammaticus glided round to stand directly over them. Alice felt an icy numbness creep up her legs.

  ‘A-are there any tests?’ asked Kevin bravely.

  ‘Don’t be silly, Mudd. I can tell just by looking at you.’

  There was a moment of nervous silence, then . . .

  ‘Mudd, you’re a Dunce,’ she said with satisfaction.

  As Kevin crumpled in despair, the headmistress fixed Alice with her cold eyes. Alice’s knees wobbled. Miss Grammaticus’s stare was terrifying.

  ‘Well, you do know your polishes, Maggott . . . your plaits are perfectly tied . . . and your hair’s a flawless shade of brown . . . in fact, you’re almost acceptable . . . Average, I think. I’ll sign the forms.’

  Alice and Kevin exchanged anguished glances. We can’t be separated, not now! Alice thought. We have to stick together. She took a deep breath.

  It was time to be brave.

  ‘Miss Grammaticus, I think . . . you’ve made a mistake. I think Mudd’s Average too.’

  Miss Grammaticus and Kevin both goggled at her.

  ‘Excuse me?’ said the headmistress in a terrify-ingly
polite voice.

  ‘I think . . .’ Alice swallowed, her mouth dry. ‘I think Mudd’s Average too. Please may you test him again?’

  Recovering, Miss Grammaticus smiled a slow evil smile.

  ‘Well . . . if that’s what you really want, Maggott.’

  As they stared at her with increasing fear, she picked up two silver letter A badges and tossed both under her desk. To their horror, the letters struck Precious’s nose.

  He snarled viciously, hackles rising.

  ‘If Mudd picks those badges up, I’ll put you both in Average. If he fails, you’re both Dunces. I think that’s fair, don’t you?’

  Horrified, Alice opened her mouth to protest. Chloe had warned them about Precious. Kevin would be lucky to survive.

  But Kevin got in first.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll do it,’ he said, his face set.

  ‘NO!’ Alice pleaded.

  Miss Grammaticus sniggered.

  Desperate, Alice reached to grab Kevin, then hesitated, remembering how oddly Precious had behaved in the dining hall. She had been sure he was going to bite her, but he hadn’t. Perhaps Kevin would be OK . . .

  ‘Don’t yer fret, Maggott; I can do this!’ Kevin whispered white-faced, stepping shakily forward. The dog rose and lunged towards him, teeth bared.

  ‘G-g-good d-d-dog,’ Kevin stuttered.

  Miss Grammaticus laughed.

  ‘Be afraid,’ she hissed. ‘Be very afraid.’

  Alice felt sick. Precious’s snarls were deafening. Please don’t hurt him, she pleaded silently. But just as she shut her eyes in despair, thinking Kevin was about to die, silence fell.

  Alice opened one eye.

  To her utter surprise, Precious was ignoring Kevin completely. Instead, he stood in front of her, his tail waving. And as she stared, he nudged her hand with his wet nose.

  Tentatively, Alice patted him.

  Precious collapsed on the floor with a sigh of pleasure, rolling over so that she could tickle his tummy.

  Miss Grammaticus’s eyes almost popped out of her head.

  Alice didn’t dare look at her. She stroked the exposed belly and Precious’s tail thumped on the ground, his eyes closing. Immediately, Kevin dived under the desk, grabbed the silver badges and scrambled hastily up, waving them triumphantly.