Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  Miss Grammaticus sank down on to her chair, looking thunderous. Picking up a pen, she scrawled on two sheets of paper and stood up, clutching them tightly.

  ‘Get out!’ she hissed, grabbing Alice by her plaits and pulling her away from Precious and towards the door. ‘Get out!’

  She pushed Kevin out after Alice, thrusting the two forms into his hand before slamming the door shut.

  As Kevin stood there, stunned, Alice extracted the forms and read them, a big grin spreading over her face.

  Miss Grammaticus had ticked ‘Average’ on both.

  Chloe was delighted. ‘You’ll both be sitting with me,’ she said, as Alice happily pinned the silver letter ‘A’ to her blazer. ‘We have to be in alphabetical order.’

  Alice looked puzzled.

  ‘Maggott, Merrikin and Mudd,’ Chloe explained.

  ‘Oh yeah, I keep forgetting I’m a Maggott,’ Alice giggled, then immediately blushed. She needed to be careful – she’d nearly given herself away already. Chloe gave her an odd look.

  ‘What’s now?’ Alice hurriedly changed the subject.

  ‘Miss Grammaticus’s Mathematics is Perfectly Delightful lesson, she takes everyone at the same time,’ Jago told her, sounding suspiciously cheerful.

  Kevin groaned.

  ‘Don’t worry – it’s only five times a week,’ Chloe reassured him, as she showed them the way.

  The classroom was massive, full of carved wood and marble walls. At the front were rows of brown uniformed children, sitting cross legged and silent. Alice could see they sat in age order, rising up from tiny children in front to miserable teenagers behind. All of them had a silver ‘D’ pinned on their blazers.

  ‘They’re the Dunces,’ Chloe whispered.

  Behind the Dunces were two long tables, lined with ruler-neat rows of worksheets. Only a few dozen pupils sat on the chairs here, and all wore silver ‘A’ badges.

  ‘Hi!’ Emerald said, looking impressed. ‘You’re with us then? How on earth did you wangle that?’

  ‘Miss Grammaticus decided we looked Average,’ Alice said, sitting down. She caught Emerald’s surprised stare and looked away hastily, badly wanting to giggle again.

  ‘Coz Precious likes us,’ Kevin added. Alice grinned at him.

  Emerald glanced at them curiously. ‘Tell us everything later,’ she whispered.

  ‘Shhh! She’s coming!’ warned Chloe.

  Everyone fell silent instantly.

  ‘Whole school mathematics – what a treat,’ said Miss Grammaticus with a chilly smile as she strode in. ‘Dunces! Tell me how nasty germs multiply when you use your dirty fingers to pick up your disgusting sweets.’

  The Dunces began to chant dully.

  ‘One, two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two, sixty-four, one hundred and twenty-eight . . .’

  ‘What are they doing?’ asked Alice.

  ‘Chanting how the numbers of germs keep doubling on warm food as time passes,’ whispered Emerald.

  ‘Believe me, you’ll know that off by heart soon,’ said Oscar. ‘You’ll never look at a packed lunch in the same way again.’

  ‘I’ll be OK,’ said Alice, thinking of how Mrs Dent handled the bread for her sandwiches using tongs and wearing a mask and gown. ‘My mum sterilizes all my sandwiches in the microwave, even—’

  ‘Averages! Start your worksheets NOW!’

  Alice hastily looked at hers, stuffing her fingers in her ears to block out the Dunces’ chanting.

  But it was no use. She couldn’t concentrate, her ankle was itching badly. She reached down to scratch it and a small wet tongue licked her fingers.

  A mouse!

  ‘ARRRGH!’ Alice screamed.

  And as all eyes swivelled towards her, the mouse ran up her leg and under her tunic. Alice jumped up. Chloe, horrified, tried to grab her, but Alice pulled away, dashing for the door.

  ‘MAGGOTT! SIT DOWN AT ONCE!’ shrieked Miss Grammaticus.

  Alice ignored her and raced on. She could feel tiny claws rock-climbing up her stomach.

  But when Alice shakily extracted the white mouse in the toilets, he didn’t scuttle off. Instead he smoothed his whiskers with tiny paws before scrambling up her leg again. Climbing on to her lap, he nuzzled her trembling fingers and rolled over to expose a pink tummy.

  Alice stared at him. He’s quite sweet really, she thought, watching his eager little nose twitching.

  ‘You’re supposed to be scared of people!’ she told him, but the mouse ignored her, curling up contentedly on her tunic instead.

  Mind you, after Precious and Cuddles, Alice was beginning to think there was something weird about the animals in Tryton Mell. They were all a bit odd and almost sticky, like glue.

  The mouse really did seem attracted to her. Every time she tried to put him down, he came straight back, like she was a mouse magnet. Wow – it’s like having a pet dog, thought Alice with growing excitement. Carefully, she stroked him with her hand. He nibbled her finger contentedly.

  In the end, Alice settled him on a cosy bed of hand towels in her tunic pocket. She had read that mice often made terrible pets, but that didn’t matter, because this mouse had definitely chosen her.

  ‘I think I’ll call you Nibbles,’ she told him. And despite the fact that she was going to be in so much trouble if anyone found out, she couldn’t help smiling.

  Hastily washing her hands, she ran back to the hall.

  ‘Miss Grammaticus, I’m sorry for disturbing the class.’

  Miss Grammaticus’s eyes bulged. ‘Top of the Naughty List tonight, Maggott – you can unblock the boys’ toilets on the third floor!’

  After Miss Grammaticus had left the room, the others crowded around Alice.

  ‘Are you OK?’ asked Chloe, her dark eyes worried.

  ‘That was a brilliant yell,’ Oscar looked at her in admiration.

  ‘Yeah, sounded like yer chopped your leg off or something,’ said Kevin, impressed.

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Alice hastily. She could feel her pocket moving; any minute now the mouse might pop up. Alice thought about showing him to the others, but that seemed risky. Right now she wasn’t sure who she could trust.

  ‘I just had stomach ache – I’m OK now. What’s next?’

  Jago pulled out his black notebook. ‘I’ve got Advanced Engineering. You’ve got Pest Control.’

  Alice groaned. The last thing she needed right now was a lesson in Pest Control. Not with a mouse hiding in her pocket.

  On second thoughts though, given how weird Tryton Mell animals were, maybe it was the very lesson she needed.

  The Pest Control classroom was hidden in the deep dark depths of Tryton Mell.

  ‘We just keep going down,’ explained Chloe, as they whizzed downwards. By the time they tumbled off the last slide, Alice was giggling again. This seemed to upset Chloe quite a lot.

  ‘You’ve got to stop that!’ she whispered. ‘Control it or you’re going to get us all into so much trouble!’

  ‘I can’t help it!’ protested Alice. But at least my cold’s going now, she consoled herself. She’d finally stopped sneezing, which would have been great, if only her giggles weren’t rapidly getting worse.

  Chloe scowled.

  ‘Portland – your peg’s over here!’ Emerald interrupted, holding out a dazzling white coat and plastic goggles. ‘Put these on and make sure you shake your boots out first. I had a snake in mine once and Oscar squashed a frog last week.’

  Alice looked doubtfully at the shiny white boots underneath her peg.

  ‘Frogs aren’t pests,’ she objected.

  ‘Obviously you’ve never had a plague of them,’ muttered Chloe.

  ‘Everyone ready?’ Oscar asked, before Alice could respond. And as they all nodded nervously, he pushed the round wooden door open.

  The dark tunnel-like room beyond was filled from floor to ceiling with cages. Alice could see their teacher at the far end; a man – looking impeccably smart in a black velvet suit and shiny leath
er boots. His dark glittery eyes reminded her of a crocodile.

  ‘That’s Mr Anderson,’ hissed Emerald.

  ‘This is great!’ whispered Kevin excitedly, eyeing the cages along the walls.

  Alice looked around. The cages were all different sizes, big ones that had snouts and beaks poking through the bars, and smaller ones with inquisitive little heads popping out. Here and there were tanks filled with slimy things slithering around in deep green water.

  ‘Don’t squash the cockroaches!’ Mr Anderson warned. ‘I’ve let them out to hide so the Dunces can trap them in their lesson.’

  Chloe screamed, jumping up as dark shadows scuttled across the floor towards them.

  ‘Coward! Scared of a couple of insects!’ Mr Anderson sneered.

  Chloe blushed. ‘I hate insects and I hate this class,’ she muttered.

  Unfortunately Alice couldn’t help giggling at this. Horrified, she muffled her mouth with her hand, but it was already too late. Chloe scowled at her and stalked off, which meant that Alice had to pair up with Kevin.

  They ended up in the seats nobody else wanted, right at the front.

  Uh-oh – not good, thought Alice, still desperately trying to stop more giggles escaping. She glanced uneasily at Mr Anderson, but he was too busy handing out small cages to notice.

  Kevin poked their rattling cage curiously.

  ‘Fizzing footballs! What in the—?’

  ‘QUIET!’

  Kevin jumped, shutting up at once as Mr Anderson surveyed the class. Everyone sat still, paying the teacher absolute attention.

  ‘These animals are the nobility of the pest world, the kings of—’

  ‘Oh my goodness – they’re rats!’ exclaimed Chloe faintly.

  Alice stared at the two brown heads that had just popped out of the cage in front of them. They stared back with coal black eyes, their little noses twitching.

  ‘Yes, they’re rats – but rats are capable of wiping out entire populations, so this lesson is a very dangerous place to be.’ As they stared at him in horror, Mr Anderson lovingly caressed the nearest cage. ‘We’ve had these rats in quarantine and sterilized their bedding, but they could still carry mortal diseases. However, if you wear your gloves and wash your hands properly afterwards, you might just live. Now, everyone take out a rat and examine them carefully.’

  ‘No way!’ whispered Chloe. But everyone else apart from Alice and Kevin dived straight in.

  There was instant pandemonium.

  The rats wriggled and jumped and bit fingers hard. Soon escaped rats were darting everywhere.

  ‘Well . . . s’pose we’d better get on with it,’ said Kevin brightly, lifting up the cage top. But as soon as the door was open, both animals jumped at Alice.

  ‘ARRRGH! – get them OFF!’ she shrieked, grabbing Kevin in panic. She couldn’t believe it; including the mouse in her pocket, she now had three rodents stuck to her!

  ‘Don’t fuss, they’re brilliant!’ said a sharp-faced boy walking past, his rat perched happily on his shoulder.

  ‘Yeah, trust you to like rats, Henry Rat-tenbury!’ called Oscar from the next table.

  ‘GET THEM OFF ME!’

  This was difficult. The rats clung to Alice with tiny paws and didn’t take kindly to being dislodged. What made matters ten times worse was that Henry Rattenbury’s rat preferred Alice too.

  ‘Well that helped,’ said Alice crossly, as all three rats lined up on her shoulder, curling their tails around her plaits for balance.

  ‘Sorry but I think they must really like you – p’raps you’ve got a ratty smell.’ Henry plucked back his own rodent and walked away, grinning.

  Alice stared after him. She actually didn’t mind the rats, now she’d got over the shock. But why had they jumped on her like that? It’s not just the rats! she thought uneasily. In fact she was going to have to add rats to the growing list of animals attracted to her. Alice ticked them off in her mind: Cuddles, Precious, Nibbles and now three rats.

  There really is something weird about the animals here, she mused as Kevin finally manged to peel both rats off her and stuff them back into their cage.

  But then again, no one else seemed to be having similar trouble.

  She couldn’t ignore the truth any longer: it was glaring right at her. It’s not the animals: it’s me! she thought. A chill of terror trickled down her spine.

  ‘You both OK?’ asked Chloe as they left the classroom. Now that Pest Control was over, she was back to her usual friendly self. ‘You don’t want to ignore bites, he’s right, rats can carry terrible diseases.’

  ‘Yeah, we’re fine, coz rats just love her,’ Kevin pointed to Alice. ‘But it’s mega-odd how they jumped on yer like that. Do yer keep rats?’

  Alice shook her head quickly. ‘Maybe they liked the smell of shoe cream on my hair,’ she retorted, and hurried off up the stairs to get ready for punishment chores before the others could respond.

  Things were getting more and more out of hand. Alice felt that until she’d worked out what was going on and who to trust, the less the others knew about her sticky animal problem the better.

  Even though she ached badly from scrubbing the boys’ toilets, Alice had another massive giggling attack when she woke up the next morning.

  ‘Stop that!’ Emerald ordered, pulling the bedclothes off and shaking her shoulders roughly. Alice giggled harder. She just couldn’t help it.

  ‘Please stop! You’ll be in so much trouble if Mrs Peasley catches you!’ pleaded Chloe.

  ‘Let’s shove something in her mouth, that’ll shut her up,’ said Emerald in desperation. Alice gulped and jumped out, closing her mouth quickly before anyone got any ideas.

  Just in time.

  Mrs Peasley had arrived.

  ‘Well well, so you’re out of bed with the bell this morning, you measly little Maggott. Being on the Naughty List obviously suits you.’

  Alice kept her mouth shut. She could feel more giggles rising up.

  ‘You’re going purple,’ said Mrs Peasley with interest. ‘A jug of ice-cold water over your head will soon sort that.’

  But even with her hair soaking wet, Alice had more fits of giggles all the way through dressing. Chloe had to help her with her plaits again.

  ‘For goodness’ sake! Pull yourself together, Portland!’ said Emerald crossly, as she made them all line up.

  With a massive effort, Alice managed to stop until she had slid down the chutes. It was really odd – even though the Best Minister was after her, Mrs Peasley and Miss Grammaticus were so horrible, and she had a rogue mouse in her pocket – there were moments when she felt so happy she thought she might burst.

  ‘Don’t you dare start giggling again!’ Emerald warned Alice as they sat down to breakfast.

  ‘We’ve all got Solutions this morning,’ said Chloe happily, chipping away at her frozen orange juice with a knife.

  ‘Good, coz I got a lot of problems right now,’ said Kevin, who was looking miserable. He had tried to ring his mum from the phone box in the entrance hall, but Mrs Peasley had caught him.

  ‘Just had time to say “hi Mum” before she hauled me out,’ he said bitterly. ‘Did yer know she listens in to all calls?’

  He slid into his seat, burying himself in a crumpled letter he pulled from his pocket. Noticing it was signed ‘with love and hugs, Mum xxxxxx’, Alice’s giggles vanished at once. She felt sorry for Kevin, but she couldn’t help feeling a pang of envy. Kevin’s mum sounded lovely, not at all like hers. Alice had never been hugged – Mrs Dent firmly believed that touching germ-ridden children was dangerous.

  Chloe leant over and patted Kevin’s shoulder apologetically.

  ‘Sorry, we should have warned you about Mrs Peasley. And it’s not that kind of solutions – more like mixtures,’ she added.

  Kevin looked up, puzzled.

  ‘Don’t ask me,’ Alice told him. ‘I have no idea what she’s on about.’

  The Solutions room turned out to be a kitchen
in the oldest part of Tryton Mell. The large, low-ceilinged room was brightly cheerful, despite having tiny diamond windows and wonky walls. Gleaming black stoves stood in rows on the polished red flagstone floor.

  ‘Let’s bag this one,’ said Chloe, standing by a stove right at the front.

  ‘This is the only lesson where you can get away with making a mess,’ Oscar confided to Alice. He was at the hob behind them with Jago and Emerald.

  ‘Wear these.’ Chloe handed Alice a luminous green apron and hairnet. Alice looked at the colour doubtfully, but everyone else was glowing too.

  ‘Nice outfit,’ said Kevin, grinning, as Alice tucked her plaits in.

  Before Alice could retort, there was a loud bang and a man strode in, carrying an enormous black pot.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Alice asked Chloe.

  ‘Mr Pye,’ Chloe whispered. ‘He’s the only teacher left from when Professor Tryton was here.’

  Alice’s stomach flipped over.

  ‘What’s wrong? You’ve gone white!’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Alice, but that was untrue. Mr Pye’s name had reminded her about the Pirus. How could she have forgotten? I’m safe here for now, no one knows who I really am, Alice reassured herself. But she knew that wouldn’t last.

  It was difficult to see Mr Pye behind the steam billowing from the bubbling liquid, but he was tall, with thick-rimmed glasses and the sort of face that gave nothing away. Alice could see why Miss Grammaticus liked him, his perfect hair and shoes gleamed from polishing and his white overalls were dazzling. Many of the teachers wore these overalls, but Mr Pye’s were special, like fluffy clouds in a blue sky.

  ‘Right, settle down, everyone,’ Mr Pye instructed, putting the round-bellied pot on the stove. ‘Goggles on and line up in front of me, quickly now!’

  Chloe pulled Alice and Kevin forward.

  ‘Ah, Merrikin,’ said the teacher, towering above them. ‘And who’s this?’

  ‘Portland Maggott and Kevin Mudd, sir – they’ve just arrived.’

  ‘But good enough to be Averages already,’ said Mr Pye, staring at them with curious eyes.