Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  Jago shook his head firmly. ‘No – Tryton Mell’s the safest place for you right now. And if the Pirus is that catching, we’re already infected. Anyway, where would you go? We’ve no idea where to find the antidote.’

  Alice sighed with relief. Jago was right. She didn’t have a clue where to start looking and the thought of running away was terrifying. But going back is dangerous too, she thought uneasily.

  Then Jago made her feel a whole lot worse.

  ‘I really think the Best Minister means to kill you if he finds you. It’s the only logical thing to do.’

  Alice shivered. She didn’t think the Best Minister would go that far. But remembering the expression on the doctors’ faces when they talked about him terrified her. Perhaps Jago was right.

  Luckily, getting back in to Tryton Mell proved a lot easier than getting out. Chloe met them with squeaks of relief.

  ‘You’re late! I was really worried! Don’t you realize it’s only two hours till the bell rings?’

  ‘Were we missed?’ asked Alice anxiously.

  ‘No, but you need to get to bed NOW!’ Chloe hissed. ‘Miss Grammaticus is prowling and she’ll be along here again shortly!’

  This made them flee to their dormitories at once.

  The next morning, Alice frantically scrambled into her brown uniform as Nibbles contentedly curled up in her blazer pocket. Bravely ignoring him, Chloe quickly plaited one side of Alice’s hair. Emerald tackled the other.

  ‘I know you and Chloe slipped out last night,’ Emerald whispered into Alice’s ear. ‘But don’t tell me anything, OK? That way I can’t get you into trouble. But be careful, the others have been asking questions. They think there’s something very odd about you.’

  Alice looked down at the floor, cold dread rising over her. How long could she really stay hidden?

  ‘And don’t forget to put your pyjamas down the laundry chute!’ instructed Emerald as she went to check on the others.

  All clothes worn every day had to go down the chute; a new set of perfectly pressed pyjamas and crisply clean uniform mysteriously appeared each evening. Alice had noticed that hers were now neatly inscribed with ‘Portland Maggott – Average’ on name tags inside.

  Alice picked up her pyjamas to sort them.

  ‘What on earth . . ?’

  A folded piece of paper fell out of her pyjama pocket and fluttered to the floor.

  Alice looked at it. None of them usually put anything in their pockets; Mrs Peasley inspected them daily, punishing pupils if she found used tissues or other nasties.

  She looked at Chloe, puzzled.

  ‘It’s not mine.’

  ‘Open it!’ said Chloe excitedly, peering over Alice’s shoulder.

  Alice unfolded it with shaking fingers. Inside was writing, all in old-fashioned italic letters. With increasing bewilderment, Alice read the words aloud.

  Extra spellings for Portland Maggott – Average

  1. MOOD

  2. FOE

  3. GAS

  4. SAP

  Study these words closely, as you need to take this test urgently. Be brave and obedient; you can’t afford to make mistakes. Remember, if you don’t know the answer you should say nothing.

  The very best of luck to you, Portland Maggott.

  Chloe stared at Alice.

  ‘What on earth . . .’

  ‘This must be a mistake – my spelling’s not that bad!’ protested Alice hotly.

  ‘No, I didn’t mean that, it’s just . . .’ Chloe peered at the note closely. ‘What a strange spelling list. I’ve never seen anything like this before in Tryton Mell.’

  She looked up at Alice with anxious eyes.

  ‘Do . . . do you think someone’s trying to send you a secret message?’

  ‘But who would do that?’ Alice asked, bewildered.

  ‘And what does it mean?’ Chloe wondered, staring at it.

  ‘It could be from them doctors,’ said Kevin doubtfully, scrutinizing the note as they waited for lessons to start.

  ‘It can’t be; they didn’t come near me,’ said Alice. ‘And I didn’t check my pocket when I put my top on, that note might have been in there since yesterday.’

  ‘Mrs Peasley does line up racks of fresh pyjamas downstairs for each dormitory every day,’ mused Jago.

  ‘Yeah, it would be easy to get to them without being spotted,’ added Chloe.

  Alice nodded in agreement. ‘My name’s on my pyjamas – anyone could have put that note in my pocket.’

  ‘What’s it trying to tell us?’ Chloe asked.

  ‘That’s what we need to find out. But first . . .’ Jago pulled out his notebook. As Alice watched, he put a big tick next to number one on his list: Find out about the Pirus.

  ‘We’re making good progress, we’ve done a third of our tasks already.’

  The other three rolled their eyes as Jago snapped his notebook shut.

  Not a moment too soon.

  ‘What are you noxious nitwits hanging about here for?’ Mrs Peasley had a face like thunder. ‘Averages – move it! Grab your hard hats and go to Explosive Equations now!’

  They puzzled over the note between lessons all morning, but even Jago was stumped.

  ‘It’s no use. I’ve been through every code in the Dusty Side’s best code-breaking books, even the top secret ones, but nothing works.’

  ‘It must be easier than that,’ said Alice. ‘Whoever wrote it must’ve thought I could figure it out alone.’

  But the note was the least of her worries. As they slid across the slippery entrance hall on the way to lunch, Kevin stopped so suddenly that Alice fell over him.

  ‘Look!’ he hissed, pointing.

  Alice’s stomach plummeted.

  Miss Grammaticus and Mrs Peasley were huddled together in front of the giant fireplace, heads bent over two very familiar red-tinged sheets of paper.

  ‘ALICE DENT – DANGEROUS AND DEADLY!’ Mrs Peasley read the heading aloud.

  Alice went cold. Beside her, Chloe gasped, horrified.

  ‘Well, she’s not here. I’d have spotted the little twerp at once,’ declared Miss Grammaticus.

  ‘So would I,’ agreed Mrs Peasley, with a self-satisfied nod. ‘Still, it can’t hurt to put this picture up all over, so that everyone knows what the grimy terror looks like.’

  And then to Alice’s horror, she looked up.

  ‘MAGGOTT! What are you doing hanging—?’

  Alice didn’t wait to respond, she turned and fled down the main corridor, unfortunately bumping straight into Trugg and the other Perfect Poppets.

  ‘Oy! Watch it, Maggott-breath!’ Grabbing Alice’s arm, Trugg twisted it painfully behind her back, then shoved her so roughly that she fell sprawling across the hard floor.

  The rest of the Poppets jeered.

  Alice lay helpless and furious, her knees throbbing. She could feel Nibbles quivering in her pocket. Any second now Trugg would spot him . . .

  ‘What on earth’s going on here?’

  ‘Nothing, sir!’ said Trugg and Alice in unison; the Perfect Poppets scattering as Mr Pye approached.

  But Alice had had enough.

  ‘Right, that’s it! We’ve got to crack that message right now, or I’m running away anyway!’ she raged as Jago, Kevin and Chloe marched her firmly away. ‘I can’t stay here; if Trugg doesn’t kill me first, some-one’s bound to work out who I am!’

  ‘Shhh! You’re attracting attention!’ warned Jago, looking uneasily over his shoulder.

  At this, Alice blew up completely. ‘Look, I’ve got a Pirus, I’m very infectious, I’m going to get happiness, which apparently is the most dangerous thing going, I can’t stop giggling but it probably doesn’t matter coz I’m going to be suffocated by a massive pile of lovesick animals. Oh and did I mention that the most dangerous man in the country is personally HUNTING ME DOWN AND POSTING UP MY PICTURE EVERYWHERE!’

  ‘OK, OK – keep yer hair on!’ Kevin backed away.

  ‘It’s al
l right,’ said Chloe soothingly, glaring at him and patting Alice on her arm. ‘Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s a good thing yer can’t see yerself in a mirror, yer look a fright,’ grinned Kevin. He ducked, expecting Alice to go for him.

  But she didn’t.

  Instead she stopped still and stared into space, her eyes unfocusing.

  ‘Mirror . . . mirror . . .’ she muttered. ‘I think . . . give me that note!’

  Hastily, Chloe pulled the folded paper out of her pocket. Alice snatched it, studying the words whilst the others watched, bemused.

  ‘Oh . . . I thought it might be mirror-writing, but it’s not,’ she said, shaking her head in disappointment. ‘You know, like back to front . . .’ Alice trailed off abruptly, noticing that ‘MOOD’ backwards spelt ‘DOOM’.

  ‘Jago, say the spelling words backwards!’ she demanded, her voice shaking with excitement.

  ‘Pas . . . sag . . . eof . . . doom . . .’ said Jago obediently.

  Then as Alice gasped, Jago got it too.

  ‘Pas . . . Passage of Doom!’

  And as they all stared at each other in shock, Chloe said exactly what Alice was thinking.

  ‘This must be a secret message, telling you to go down the Passage of Doom!’

  ‘Excellent! Let’s go NOW!’ Kevin said, but Chloe shook her head unhappily.

  ‘We can’t,’ she whispered. ‘Mrs Peasley blew up the entrance before she sealed it off.’

  ‘Why?’ Alice and Kevin stared at her.

  ‘The Passage of Doom was horrible, all dark and wet, so Mrs Peasley threw in dynamite to get rid of the damp smell. The entrance is completely blocked now.’

  ‘And the message could be a trap. Whoever sent it might be trying to get rid of Alice,’ warned Jago.

  ‘I’m doomed anyway so I’ll risk it, thank you,’ Alice retorted, and Jago had no answer to that.

  ‘So how do we get in?’ asked Kevin.

  Jago and Chloe looked at each other.

  ‘No idea.’ Chloe shrugged her shoulders.

  This was bad news. There was silence whilst they all thought.

  ‘What about digging the rubble out?’ Kevin suggested.

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ Jago replied witheringly.

  It was a long time before anyone else spoke. Then Alice had a sudden inspiration.

  ‘What about the old library?’ she asked. ‘You told me we could get to anywhere from there.’

  ‘I’ve never seen an entrance for it in the Dusty Side,’ Jago said slowly. ‘But there are dozens of doors; it’s possible that we just haven’t found it.’

  ‘Let’s go and look – we can sneak back to the fireplace now!’ said Kevin eagerly. ‘Then we can go down the Passage of Doom with yer, Alice.’

  ‘You’ll come with me?’ Alice said, hardly daring to hope. She had been dreading going alone. ‘It’ll be really dangerous and if we’re caught . . .’

  ‘We’ll risk it,’ said Jago.

  ‘Of course we’re coming with you,’ Chloe said indignantly. ‘We’re friends, remember?’

  And in spite of everything, this made Alice glow inside.

  ‘Meet yer there!’ shouted Kevin. ‘I’ll be back in a min!’

  ‘Where are you going?’ asked Chloe.

  ‘To get pyjamas for yer all of course. We ain’t going to get far in our blazers!’

  They had a nasty shock when they crept into the entrance hall. Mrs Peasley stood by the fireplace, humming as she stapled up a massive picture of Alice.

  Luckily Kevin reacted before anyone could panic.

  ‘Give me Nibbles!’ he demanded, and after Alice had reluctantly dug the protesting mouse out of her pocket, Kevin snuck around to the telephone box and let him go.

  ‘AAAARGH!’

  Mrs Peasley screeched – Nibbles had scrabbled straight over her foot.

  ‘YOU PESKY VARMINT! Now where’s my MOUSE ’N’ LOUSE KILL?’ Muttering, Mrs Peasley disappeared into her office as Nibbles scuttled into Alice’s hand, quivering.

  ‘CLIMB!’ Kevin hissed, sprinting back, and they all piled into the chimney.

  Alice’s heart sank as she climbed out into the library. Everywhere she looked were odd little doors, dozens of them, nestling in between shelves crammed with books.

  Jago took charge.

  ‘We’ll take a wall each – check each label, but hurry!’

  Silence fell. As the minutes passed, Alice scanned labels with increasing desperation.

  ‘It’s not here, we’ve checked every door,’ said Jago after they had searched for an hour. He sank down on to the sofa.

  ‘We can’t give up now!’ protested Chloe.

  But Jago had just said what they were all thinking.

  ‘We’ve got to think like Professor Tryton . . .’ Chloe screwed up her eyes.

  ‘Forget it, we’re dead!’ said Kevin gloomily, throwing himself down on a sofa. In the end, only Chloe continued to prowl around, still searching.

  ‘Leave it, Chloe,’ Jago instructed her. ‘The entrance to the Passage of Doom isn’t here.’

  But for once Jago was wrong.

  ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea!’ Chloe shrieked suddenly, running over to the horror section of the library. She began to pull the books off the shelves frantically.

  ‘Are yer off yer rocker?’ asked Kevin.

  ‘No . . . it’s got to be . . . yes, here it is!’

  The other three jumped up eagerly and crowded round to see. Behind a stack of loose shelves, hidden by rows of horror books, was a coffin-shaped door. Over the top of it was an untidy inscription in blood red letters:

  Prepare To Meet Yor Doom

  They had found the door to the Passage of Doom at last.

  ‘Let’s go!’ said Jago, reaching forward.

  But the other three stood frozen.

  ‘Aren’t you scared?’ asked Alice, surprised. She was terrified.

  ‘Nah, I’m not scared of anyone who can’t spell properly,’ shrugged Jago. ‘Everyone knows that “your” is spelt Y-O-U-R, not Y-O-R.’ And he pushed the door wide open before they could stop him.

  Alice and Chloe backed away, coughing as a damp, dank smell hit them, but the boys didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘It’s blacker than a black hole!’ Kevin exclaimed, peering into the shaft.

  ‘Nothing’s blacker than a black hole,’ Jago said severely.

  Kevin ignored him. He had spotted something.

  ‘Look – that’s the way down!’

  Alice saw it too, a line of metal pegs leading downwards, glinting in the light they had let in.

  ‘No way!’ Chloe drew back. She wasn’t good with heights.

  ‘Well you can’t stay here. Miss Grammaticus will lock you up for ever. But first she’ll torture you until you tell her where we’ve gone, and you’re bound to tell her about Alice,’ said Jago.

  Chloe went white.

  ‘I guess I’m coming with you then.’

  ‘Good because I’d have dragged you along otherwise.’

  ‘I can’t see anything,’ Alice said, hastily interrupting as Chloe glared at Jago.

  ‘Got it sorted.’ Kevin pulled out candles and a box of matches with a flourish.

  ‘Wow – good thinking!’ said Alice, seriously impressed.

  They had an anxious moment when the metal pegs ended – high above the tunnel floor.

  ‘We’ll have to jump, but it means we can’t come back this way,’ said Jago, looking up at the coffin-shaped light that shone through the doorway high above them.

  ‘Well let’s hope we can get out the other end then,’ retorted Alice.

  ‘Yeah, and for goodness’ sake be careful, I don’t know what we’ll do if anyone breaks a leg.’ Chloe as usual was worrying, but she didn’t need to, they all landed safely on the rocky floor beneath.

  I’m not scared, Alice repeated to herself as they hurried along, breathing in the sour air. Her school shoes slipped on the slimy floor; it was ge
tting wetter as the tunnel got narrower.

  ‘That’s odd, Tryton Mell’s on high ground – so surely we should be going downhill by now,’ Jago observed.

  The others didn’t reply.

  Time passed. Alice’s feet were freezing. She began to wonder if they would be trapped down there for ever. But luckily, before she got frostbite, Jago made them stop.

  ‘What’s that?’

  They all stared too.

  In the middle of the tunnel was a red painted door.

  It was a very ordinary door, just like any front door on any house. Under the white bell push was a sign that said ‘Ring me’.

  ‘That’s odd,’ said Chloe.

  The door didn’t block their way. There were gaps on either side large enough for them to walk past. They could easily go on and ignore it.

  But somehow they didn’t seem able to do that.

  Kevin reached out for the bell.

  ‘Wait, we could just go around it.’ Chloe said.

  Alice shook her head. ‘I don’t think we’re supposed to do that, I think this is some sort of test.’

  ‘Or a trap,’ muttered Chloe.

  ‘What about opening it?’ Kevin tried the door handle instead. It was locked.

  ‘Why don’t we do what it says and ring the bell?’ Alice asked.

  ‘Better not,’ said Chloe nervously. ‘You never know what you might wake up. In every story I’ve ever read it’s never been a good idea to ring a random bell.’

  Alice looked at them all, fighting an urge to giggle. The odd door was setting her off again.

  ‘Let’s vote on it,’ she said. ‘I’m for ringing it.’

  ‘And me!’ added Kevin cheerfully, ‘but I don’t expect nothin’.’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ said Chloe. ‘Haven’t any of you ever read Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland? That’s full of labels telling her to do stuff and terrible things happen!’

  ‘Yeah, but she were OK in the end,’ retorted Kevin.

  ‘That’s coz it’s a book, you can get anyone out of trouble in a story. This is real life, Kevin.’

  ‘Jago?’ asked Alice. ‘What do you think?’

  Jago went to inspect the door from the other side. ‘We have to ring it,’ he said at last. ‘If we don’t then we’ll never know whether we were supposed to. We’ll always be wondering about it.’