Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  ‘Oh no!’ said Chloe faintly. ‘This is always what gets people into trouble in books.’

  ‘I’ll do it!’ Kevin pressed the button before anyone could stop him. A sharp ringing filled the tunnel.

  Then there was silence.

  ‘See . . . nothin’ happened,’ said Kevin triumphantly.

  A second later the ground beneath him gave way and he plunged downwards.

  Chloe screamed.

  ‘What the . . .?’

  They ran to the spot where Kevin had disappeared. There was nothing to see. The stone slab had righted itself. When Jago cautiously tested it, there was no movement.

  ‘It’s as solid as . . . well, as solid as rock I suppose. Look, you can see the edges. Anyone ringing the bell would have to stand on it. I wonder—’

  ‘We have to help Kevin right now!’ interrupted Alice, stepping forward and pressing the bell.

  Even though she expected it, falling through the floor almost made Alice’s heart stop.

  Please don’t hurt too much! she begged silently as she plummeted.

  But it didn’t hurt. Instead she landed on something squishy and pink. As she lay there, blinking in the dazzling artificial light and waiting for her stomach to catch up, Alice heard the best sound ever – Kevin’s voice.

  ‘Yer made it then!’ he said, smiling, his brown hair wild and dirt smudged all across his cheeks.

  ‘Wha . . . where . . .?’ As Alice stuttered, Kevin grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. To her surprise, apart from the giant pink inflatable she’d just fallen on, and the fact they seemed to be underground, the room looked like a normal kitchen.

  A familiar sharp ringing sounded overhead.

  ‘Not again! How many of you pesky kids are there?’

  Alice turned, startled. Kevin grinned.

  ‘Portland Maggott, meet Yor Doom!’ he announced. ‘Her name’s Yorlanda, but she’s called Yor for short.’

  Alice stared at Yorlanda Doom. Yorlanda stared back. Yorlanda was tiny, with white hair and a lived-in face, but there were lines of steel in her frown. Alice felt a little scared of her.

  Then Chloe fell through the ceiling and hit the inflatable.

  ‘I’ll put the kettle on then; three mugs of tea coming up.’

  ‘Could we have four please? Jago will be down in a minute,’ said Chloe, scrambling down shakily from the giant pink cushion.

  Within ten minutes they were all sitting around the kitchen table eating chocolate chip cookies and drinking hot tea.

  ‘Good for shock,’ Yorlanda Doom insisted, scrutinizing them all as they drank.

  ‘Please – who are you? Where are we? And what’s with the door?’ The questions burst out of Alice.

  Yorlanda Doom chuckled. ‘Well, let’s see – many years ago I was the librarian at Tryton Mell, but this is my home now. The Passage of Doom and the red door were rather nifty ideas of my dear friend Professor Tryton. He guessed there might be a need one day for a secret way out of Tryton Mell for pupils. So he asked me to help and made the Passage so frightening that only brave children who were desperate, or who had been told to, would dare enter.’

  ‘So that’s why there’s lots of scary rumours about it,’ said Chloe, her dark eyes wide.

  ‘But why the door?’ asked Jago. ‘Isn’t it unnecessary? Can’t the Passage get you straight here?’

  Alice looked at Jago. He was as neat as if he’d just come down to breakfast, his face cleanly scrubbed and not a black hair out of place. How did he manage it?

  ‘Ah yes, the door. If the Passage led straight here, the bad guys would come here too. So the Professor created the door to protect both me and anyone running away from them. He said that people who were brave and adventurous or just plain curious would ring the bell, but dull boring people wouldn’t bother. He guessed that any children escaping down the Passage of Doom would have those qualities and ring it, hoping it might help them, but any grown-ups chasing them would likely ignore it.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have rung it if the others hadn’t first,’ muttered Chloe.

  ‘Ah but you did, didn’t you?’ said Yorlanda Doom. ‘Too scared to ring it for yourself but brave enough to ring it to save your friends. That proves the Professor was right.’

  ‘Where does the Passage end up?’ asked Jago, as Chloe tried to get over the shock of being called brave.

  Yorlanda Doom smiled. ‘In the local sewage works of course. Now, which one of you is Portland Maggott? I’ve been given this envelope to give to you.’

  With the others watching curiously, Alice took the fat envelope and tore it open. Inside were pages of detailed directions, written in neat black capitals.

  ‘Who are they from?’ Alice asked as she sifted through the sheets, puzzled. ‘Will they take us to the Pirus antidote?’

  ‘They’re from another of the Professor’s friends. These are dangerous times, so it’s better that you don’t know too much. If you follow these correctly and don’t get caught, you’ll meet his friend yourself. Now, one more thing.’

  Yorlanda handed Alice a small silver key. ‘You might need this in an emergency, so don’t lose it.’

  Alice turned the key over in her hands.

  ‘What’s it for?’ she asked curiously. Yorlanda Doom leant forward.

  ‘It gets you into the Toilet Tendering Service – they’ll help you if you’re in trouble. Nearly every public toilet block’s part of it, even those inside buildings and shops. Look for a locked door that’s never open – a door that no one ever thinks about – and use the key. Once you’ve opened that door, you can ask for any help you need.’ She then gave them exact instructions on what to do.

  As the four of them listened, their eyes widened in astonishment. Alice couldn’t help it, she dissolved into helpless giggles.

  ‘Yer joking – right?’ asked Kevin.

  ‘I never joke about important things,’ said Yorlanda, looking offended. ‘Right, two more things: firstly, make sure no one follows you. Secondly, remember this: if you don’t know the answer, you should say nothing.’

  Alice stared at her. That’s what it had said on the spelling list too. She opened her mouth to ask another question, but Yorlanda Doom shook her head firmly.

  ‘No more questions, time is of the essence. Off you go – I need to get up to the secret and amazing things that I do daily. Luckily the neighbours suspect nothing; that’s the beauty of being my age and living in a semi-detached house.’

  She opened the front door and pushed them out on to the porch.

  From the front, Alice could see that the house was unremarkable; almost exactly like all the others in the leafy green road. Only the kitchen was underground, built into the hillside so that the Passage of Doom could drop into it.

  Alice thought that Yorlanda’s secrets were safe; nobody would ever guess what was inside such a boring looking house.

  ‘Look in the shed down there; you might find something useful. I don’t use it now the boys have grown up,’ Yorlanda Doom called after them, pointing to the side passage.

  She was partly right. There was something in the shed. Whether it was useful or not was another question entirely.

  ‘What on earth is it?’ asked Alice. ‘A quadracycle!’ said Kevin in delight, as he tugged the battered blue four-seater bicycle out of the shed.

  ‘Technically it’s a quad tandem,’ corrected Jago.

  ‘This is gonna be fun!’ Kevin hoisted the machine upright and inspected it, turning pedals and checking chains. ‘It looks in good nick too.’

  ‘I’ll go in front,’ said Jago. ‘You need to be good at physics to steer this thing.’

  ‘No way mate,’ Kevin replied firmly. ‘I’m the best biker in town, I’m in front.’ He seized the front handlebars and swung his leg over the crossbar.

  Alice sighed. They would argue all day if she didn’t step in.

  ‘You go on the back,’ she told Jago. ‘I can’t ride a bike, so I’ll be all over the place. You’ll nee
d your physics skills to make up for me. Also, you’re our best code-breaker; it’ll need an expert to work out these directions. Let Kevin steer and you tell him where to go.’

  ‘OK,’ said Jago, mollified, taking the directions from her and scanning them closely. They waited impatiently as he jotted notes on the pages.

  ‘Hurry up!’ urged Alice. She was having trouble with a flock of sparrows perching on her cycle helmet. Nibbles scolded them with sharp squeaks.

  ‘I’m ready.’ Jago climbed neatly on to the back of the tandem.

  ‘Which way, mate?’

  ‘And where are we going?’ asked Chloe eagerly.

  ‘Turn left here. My calculations suggest we’re going to the seaside, to a town called Saltley Rock-pool,’ he told them as they wobbled down the road.

  This wasn’t the answer Alice expected, but a big grin spread over her face.

  ‘Oh wow! I’ve never been to the seaside!’

  ‘What? You’ve never seen the sea?’ asked Chloe in surprise.

  Alice shook her head.

  ‘I’ll tell yer what!’ Kevin’s eyes lit up. ‘Let’s have a day on the beach – I’ll take yer surfing and rock-pooling, and teach yer to build sandcastles—’

  ‘Kevin!’ Jago interrupted crossly. ‘We’ve got a job to do.’

  ‘Oh, all right, spoilsport.’ Kevin looked as disappointed as Alice felt.

  By the time they had fallen off three times, they were all fed up with the quad tandem. It just wasn’t very good at going around corners or up and down hills. This was unfortunate as the directions took them mostly through twisty little lanes and across bumpy fields.

  ‘If we have to go much further, let’s ditch the bike and walk,’ suggested Alice, groaning in pain as they took a hump-backed bridge too fast and she fell off.

  ‘It’s OK – yer softies don’t need to do that coz we’re here!’ Kevin told them, grinning.

  He was right. They had reached a sign that read, ‘Welcome to Saltley Rockpool’.

  ‘Is that noise the sea?’ Alice asked eagerly, listening as they stopped. Excited giggles bubbled up inside her. She was going to see the sea!

  ‘Of course it is. If yer hurry up and find Professor Tryton’s friend we might have time to build sand-castles,’ said Kevin, full of enthusiasm.

  ‘Well, we just need to work out what ninety-one round stones means, and then we’re done,’ Jago told them, frowning at the sheet of paper in his hand.

  ‘What – don’t you know where we’re going?’ Alice abruptly stopped giggling.

  ‘No, this last bit’s a clue that we have to solve. “Find ninety-one round stones, and you’ll find me,” that’s all it says.’

  ‘For goodness’ sake! Why can’t they just tell us where to go? Why are they making it so hard?’ Chloe was getting crosser by the minute.

  ‘They can’t take the risk,’ Alice told her. ‘What if we got caught and the Best Minister got hold of these directions?’

  ‘Yeah, or if we was captured and tortured on the way?’ added Kevin. ‘This way we can’t tell them nothin’ coz we don’t know nothin’ until we get there.’

  ‘We really won’t know anything if you don’t hurry up,’ Jago told him impatiently.

  Saltley Rockpool was the sort of town that explained why Mrs Dent had always refused to let Alice go on school trips to the seaside.

  ‘Think of all those people from everywhere mixing and passing on their local germs, let alone the terrible diseases you’ll catch from paddling in the sea,’ she would say, horrified, when Alice begged to go.

  Despite these warnings, Alice beamed with delight as they walked into the town. Even though it was getting dark, the little shops were still packed with families, many happily licking ice creams.

  ‘Follow me,’ Jago ordered, turning into the main street.

  Alice hurried after him. Part of her still worried that they weren’t sure what to do next, but mostly she skipped inside with joy. She thought about running along the beach without shoes, wondering what sand would feel like between her toes.

  Chloe was the first to notice something odd.

  ‘Err . . . Alice . . . that camera . . . I think it’s following you.’

  Alice whirled round.

  ‘You’re joking!’ Alarmed, she stared up at the camera, which was mounted high up on a narrow pole. Too late she realized that this was a very bad move; she was now clearly showing her face to it.

  ‘Chloe! Kevin! HIDE!’ Jago instructed hastily, sliding himself into a nearby doorway. Kevin pulled Chloe back, all three of them out of range of the lens.

  Alice was the only one it could see.

  She experimented by walking on down the brightly lit street. The camera followed her, revolving silently on its little platform.

  ‘I think they’ve found me,’ she announced unnecessarily.

  She was kicking herself. After everything that had happened that day, her hair was now a complete mess and she looked more like the Alice Dent on the posters. If only she had kept her hair neatly in plaits. She might not have been recognized, not as Alice Dent, anyway. And the Best Minister wouldn’t care less about trying to find a missing Portland Maggott.

  ‘Let’s get off this street,’ said Kevin urgently, and they dived into a narrow side passage, hidden from the camera.

  ‘You’ve been spotted. The Best Minister’s men will be coming for you. What do we do now?’ asked Jago.

  ‘Keep moving.’ Alice couldn’t see what else they could do. ‘We have to find Professor Tryton’s friend – and hope they help protect me from the Best Minister.’

  ‘Let’s hope his friend knows where to find the antidote too, otherwise you’re in real trouble.’

  They darted through the streets, dodging the cameras and staying in the shadows. Twice, police cars whooshed by. Alice’s heart almost stopped, but they didn’t spot her.

  ‘Do you know anything about ninety-one round stones?’ they asked passers-by, but no one knew anything.

  ‘This is silly,’ said Alice at last, as they reached the road that led to the harbour. ‘We can’t stumble round hoping to come across it; the police are going to find me before then. I’m sure Professor Tryton’s friend must think I can work it out. They wouldn’t leave it to chance.’

  ‘There’s a street map on that wall, let’s look at that for clues,’ said Jago, pointing. He nearly got flattened as they all rushed over.

  ‘There’s nothing obvious here,’ said Chloe. ‘Harbour, a beach, shops . . .’

  ‘Look at the railway station – it’s humungous!’ interrupted Kevin. Jago peered over his shoulder.

  ‘That’s odd; it’s much too big for a town this size. Perhaps it’s Victorian, everyone travelled by train then.’

  ‘I love trains!’ Kevin perked up.

  ‘Hang on,’ said Alice, ‘what’s this?’ She pointed to a small circle at the end of the long harbour wall.

  ‘A lighthouse,’ said Chloe. ‘Disused since 1991,’ she added, peering at the tiny label.

  ‘A lighthouse,’ said Alice slowly. ‘Are lighthouses made out of round stones?’

  ‘Hey, I think you’ve got it!’ said Jago. For once he looked impressed. ‘Come on, let’s find out.’

  But it was too late.

  They were going to be caught: a bank of blue lights swept towards them from nearly every direction.

  They stared at each other, Chloe pale with panic. But strangely, now that things looked so hopeless, Alice felt calm. Perhaps this was part of the Pirus effect.

  ‘I’m not giving up now!’

  ‘Get on with it then,’ urged Kevin. ‘I’ll stay ’ere; try and delay them. I’ll tell ’em I saw someone climbing up the cliffs.’

  ‘We’d better all stay,’ said Jago. ‘Spread out and point in different directions, that will help.’

  ‘Can yer lie?’ asked Kevin, really interested to know.

  ‘Not well, but I can roughly calculate for them the theoretical probabilities of someone
choosing a route based on available topographical data. That should confuse the average person,’ said Jago, almost smiling.

  Within minutes of leaving the others, Alice had reached the lighthouse. Too dark to see the sea now, she thought sadly, as the moon disappeared behind clouds. She ran up the steps, feeling very alone.

  It was cold on the exposed staircase. Alice looked over at the blackness of the water. There was an odd fishy sort of smell about it, and she tasted salt on the gusts of wind.

  Alice shivered. She had never imagined that the seaside could be so scary.

  Close to, the lighthouse was like a big black nightmare leering over her, made worse by the crashing waves. Alice took a deep breath, jumped up to the impressive front door and knocked loudly.

  A small peephole flipped open.

  ‘There’s a bath of red chilli sauce above you,’ said a stern voice. ‘If you don’t give me the password immediately, you’ll be dyed blood-red, all ready for Halloween.’

  What password? Alice wondered in panic. Dyeing was not an option, not if she could help it.

  ‘I don’t know the password – but please let me in, I need to find Professor Tryton’s friend!’ she pleaded, feeling seriously frightened now. This certainly wasn’t going to plan.

  ‘No password, no entry. You might be an imposter,’ the stern voice told her.

  Miserably, Alice turned away from the door. The sirens had almost reached the harbour. It was too late to ask the others for help. She was doomed.

  It was only after she had jumped down four steps that Alice realized that she had known the password all along.

  ‘It’s NOTHING!’ she shouted, running back and banging furiously on the door. ‘The password’s nothing!’

  And, almost as if it was word activated, the heavy door swung open.

  Alice stared.

  She had expected Professor Tryton’s friend to be, well, slightly odd, but this woman looked completely in charge and totally normal. (Well, as normal as anyone dressed in bright orange waterproofs could look.) Yes, she was unremarkable except for her vivid blue eyes.