Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  It was Mrs Peasley who opened the front door of Tryton Mell.

  ‘Ah, Portland Maggott! So you’ve decided to crawl back. Couldn’t manage without your dimwit friends? Well don’t worry, the police picked up the little numpties in Saltley Rockpool – they’re safe in my office.’

  Thank goodness they’re OK, thought Alice, but she had a horrible feeling that Mrs Peasley’s smirk when she said ‘safe’ hadn’t boded well for the others.

  ‘Yes, Mrs Peasley,’ was all she replied though, standing to attention on the doorstep. Her face was gleaming, her hair perfectly plaited and the Toilet Tendering Service had done wonders tracking down a new set of Tryton Mell uniform in her size. She looked nothing like Alice Dent.

  ‘You’re for it now, Maggott! You wait till Miss Grammaticus hears you’re back. Ooooh, I can’t wait to tell her; I wouldn’t like to be you.’

  Alice looked around as Mrs Peasley pulled her inside. Nothing seemed to have changed. It was mid-morning and the hall was quiet – everyone was in lessons. I’m glad to be back, Alice thought, and even though she knew she was in trouble, she gulped back a little giggle of happiness.

  Then Mrs Peasley cured Alice’s giggles immediately.

  ‘Miss Grammaticus is busy right now, but while you wait I’ve got the perfect place to keep you out of trouble . . .’ Mrs Peasley smiled nastily. ‘I’m putting you in The Cage.’

  The Cage! Alice’s heart gave an extra-loud thump. How could she find out the Best Minister’s plans if she was locked inside there?

  The human-sized cage outside Miss Grammaticus’s office was empty. Alice stepped miserably into the thick black bars, her heart sinking into her boots.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Mrs Peasley, smirking as she turned an enormous cat-sized metal key. Alice slumped to the floor in despair. I’ve failed already, she thought. I can’t do anything locked in here.

  WHOOSH!

  ‘ARRRGH!’ Mrs Peasley shrieked as a cascade of icy water poured over her head, drenching her completely. Startled, Alice leapt to her feet and peered upwards. Oscar and Henry were leaning over the balcony above, sniggering.

  ‘YOU NOXIOUS NASTIES!’ screeched Mrs Peasley, running off towards them, dripping water everywhere.

  Alice was left alone.

  She tried rattling the bars of The Cage, but they wouldn’t move. The only way out was by unlocking the door. Alice paused. She didn’t think that Mrs Peasley had rushed off with that enormous key.

  Hardly daring to hope, Alice slid her hand through the bars towards the lock. And for once her luck was in; the key was still there. Frantically, Alice twisted it until the lock scraped.

  She was free!

  There was still no one around. Heart thudding, Alice slid out and crept over to Miss Grammaticus’s study door. Perhaps there was a clue to the Best Minister’s plans inside. Alice reached out to the keypad, her hand trembling.

  ‘“Vile!”’ she remembered, and tried tapping it in, but the lock didn’t click.

  ‘“Vermin” . . . “Vomit” . . .’ No luck.

  Alice couldn’t think of any more ‘V’ words, perhaps Miss Grammaticus had also run out and moved on to ‘W’.

  ‘“Worm” . . . “Waste” . . .’ Still the lock refused to budge.

  ‘“Wart” . . .’

  And amazingly, ‘Wart’ made the lock click. Giggling a little at this, Alice cautiously turned the door handle and peered in.

  Nothing had changed since she was last there, but the room wasn’t empty. Alice nearly fainted as a huge black shape leapt up and licked her face.

  ‘Precious! Get down!’ she gasped. ‘You scared me!’

  And now Alice was stuck. In books it always seemed so obvious where to hunt for clues, but this was real life and Alice wasn’t sure she’d recognize a clue even if it hit her in the face. She stifled an urge to giggle; this really wasn’t the time.

  ‘Where would you look, Precious?’

  As if he understood, Precious ignored the clock-lined shelves and padded towards the desk. Alice nodded – yes, that seemed like the best place to start.

  But before she reached it there was a deafening click.

  Alice’s heart nearly stopped. Hurriedly, she dived behind the white sofa nearby, Precious cowering down beside her.

  Alice peered out.

  All the shelves of clocks were rotating!

  Alice jumped. She must be seeing things, or dreaming. Then she realized what was going on – whole sections of the wall were moving.

  As she stared, black-uniformed figures poured into the study from tunnels behind the walls and lined up in orderly rows facing the desk. They stood in silence, waiting. Alice thought there must be over a hundred people altogether; it was a good thing the headmistress’s study was so big.

  Then the door behind the desk opened. Miss Grammaticus walked in, accompanied by a tall man also dressed entirely in black.

  Alice’s insides turned to ice.

  The man’s pale face was horrifyingly familiar.

  The Best Minister!

  Trembling violently, Alice risked lifting her head for a better look – and almost screamed. The Best Minister had raised his head too and she was gazing directly at his deep, dark holes of eyes. They trans-fixed her. She couldn’t move. Could he see her?

  His eyes dominated his face in the way his height towered over everyone else in the room. Everything about him was black or white; black hair, black eyes, black clothes starkly shocking against his white skin. The only colours were the medals pinned to his chest.

  When he finally turned his head, Alice fell limply back against Precious. Relief washed over her. She hadn’t been spotted – not yet.

  ‘Are all my troops here?’ asked the Best Minister in a cold, sinister voice. Miss Grammaticus nodded.

  ‘Good – I have excellent news for you all; I’m almost ready to seize control of the country. Now listen carefully. At exactly five o’clock this afternoon, you will leave this office to put my great plan into action. You’ll start with the children. Tonight, you must take command of the police and get them to grab the dirty little super-spreaders out of their flea-ridden beds. Every single child in the country must be dealt with before tomorrow. Turkey, as my Chief Planner, tell us what’s been planned.’

  Turkey began to list the plans eagerly.

  ‘Take all children away from their mums and dads immediately!’

  ‘It’s the best way to stop parents passing on their disgusting habits to the next generation,’ interrupted the Best Minister as the soldiers murmured in surprise. ‘Now silence! Carry on, Turkey.’

  Turkey continued chanting his plans with relish. ‘Lock them up in Ministry-approved schools and don’t let them see their families ever again! Make them do lessons every single day from dawn to dusk – everyone not top of their class will get punished! Ban sweets, chocolate, cakes and biscuits – we don’t want any more black rotten teeth. We’re still working on the plan to pull out all the teeth of children with more than two fillings; there aren’t enough dentists.’

  ‘Well, use vets then, they pull out horses’ teeth all the time, it can’t be much different,’ said the Best Minister, looking impatient. ‘Carry on, Turkey.’

  ‘No TV or anything with screens ever again – we need the little blighters to concentrate! Daily cold baths – we’re not wasting hot water on the little squirts! Cancel Christmas!’

  ‘Yes, I don’t get any presents, I don’t see why anyone else should,’ Miss Grammaticus murmured.

  By now Alice was boiling with rage. How dare the Best Minister do this? Alice imagined all the little kids being snatched from their beds and having their teeth pulled out. She had to stop him, but how could she? There’s no time – they’re doing this tonight! she thought in panic.

  ‘And when the little horrors aren’t doing lessons they’ll be litter picking and scrubbing everything clean by torchlight. We’ve bought lots of toothbrushes for them to scour pavements with.’ Turkey finished with a fl
ourish.

  ‘Excellent!’ said the Best Minister. ‘That will keep the country nice and clean and make me popular with the public. There’s only one flaw. Did you deal with the Dent child?’

  Alice jumped, shrinking smaller behind the sofa.

  ‘Errr . . . well . . . err . . . We nearly had her but then she disappeared again.’ Turkey’s voice trembled. ‘And . . . err . . . err . . . she’s got the antidote.’

  The room was deathly silent.

  ‘Turkey, you have failed me in this, the most important task of all,’ the Best Minister’s voice was quiet, menacing. ‘It’s bad enough that the Dent girl escaped me once already without having you fail me too. I have no room for failures. Take him away.’

  Turkey shrank against the wall, moaning. Two men stepped forward, picked Turkey up and carried him behind one of the rotating walls. It swung shut behind them.

  ‘Such a shame, but I’m sure the next person I pick to find that wretched girl will succeed,’ said the Best Minister softly. The other grown-ups avoided his eyes, hoping not to be noticed. ‘She’ll wreck everything if she’s not caught.’

  ‘Your excellent plans are both fool-proof and Pirus-proof,’ Miss Grammaticus declared. But even she shrivelled under the Best Minister’s withering stare.

  ‘Don’t be foolish, sister,’ he said, ‘No plan is Pirus-proof.’

  Alice started. Had the Best Minister just called Miss Grammaticus sister?

  No way! she thought. There’s just no way . . . but then dawning horror turned her insides to ice.

  That photo on Miss Grammaticus’s desk!

  Alice remembered it clearly, the photograph that Kevin had accidently knocked over – its sinister family in black and white, the dark-haired boy and girl . . . brother and sister . . .

  It’s true! she thought, suddenly feeling sick. The Best Minister is Miss Grammaticus’s brother!

  Alice pulled herself together. The Best Minister was still talking and she needed to listen.

  ‘Let me explain to you simpletons. This Pirus makes you happy. Once people get it we can’t control them because happy people aren’t afraid to do what they want. The ones that hate their jobs quit work. The cowardly ones stop being scared of me so don’t follow my orders. My plans to take over the world will be wrecked!’ As he spoke, his voice started to crack.

  ‘Everyone will stop doing lots of shopping because they won’t need expensive things to make themselves happy – that means I won’t be mega rich from taxes and can’t afford lots of ultimate weapons. But worst of all . . .’ The Best Minister stopped, choking with anger, ‘. . . worst of all, parents will be happiest spending more time with their children, passing on disgusting habits and spoiling the brats for ever. And don’t get me started on the damage when children catch the Pirus; the after-effects are so unpredictable that any of them could end up a terrible threat. I can’t risk that. When I find the Dent child I will exterminate her – and everyone she’s been in contact with!’

  Alice had heard enough. The Best Minister’s plans chilled her to the bone. She had to stop him. Creeping along behind the sofa, she heard the next person presenting.

  ‘I’ve got some brilliant slogans to convince parents,’ the man said eagerly – and to Alice’s relief he darkened the room for his presentation. ‘How about “Good Manners and No Play Makes for a Great Day”, or “Only a Fool Hates Perfect Pupil School”, or “Muddy Boys Get No Toys” and “Grimy Girls are Full of Smells”?’

  Despite being desperately worried about the Best Minister’s plans, the slogans nearly finished Alice off – they were dreadful! She had to get out before anyone heard her laughing.

  Biting her lips to stop giggles escaping, Alice crawled cautiously into the black shadows at the side of the room. Everyone was too busy looking at the screen to notice her and soon she was sliding out of the door.

  Safe in the corridor outside, Alice laughed until she couldn’t breathe, imagining what Kevin would say when he heard the slogans. But in the end she forced herself to stop. She had work to do.

  The corridors were deserted. Alice crept towards Mrs Peasley’s office, hoping it would be empty of grown-ups.

  It was.

  Unfortunately it was also empty of pupils. There was no sign of the others. Alice stood in the middle of the room, puzzled. Mrs Peasley had said they were in her office, but where?

  ‘Oi, up ’ere!’

  Alice jumped, her head snapping upwards.

  She had found them. Jago, Kevin and Chloe were dangling from the ceiling like model aeroplanes.

  ‘What are you doing up there?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ asked Chloe bitterly. ‘We’ve been suspended.’

  Ten minutes later they were all safely in the Dusty Side library.

  ‘Are you OK? What happened?’ asked Alice, alarmed, as the others lay groaning on the sofas.

  ‘The police caught us in Saltley Rockpool,’ explained Jago. ‘Mrs Peasley reported us missing so they knew who we were. Kevin lied about you – he told them Portland Maggott had gone straight home and we didn’t know who Alice Dent was.’

  ‘Yeah, then they brought us back so Mrs Peasley could demonstrate what happens to ungrateful children who run away,’ added Chloe bitterly.

  ‘Never mind that, did yer get the antidote?’ interrupted Kevin.

  ‘Yes, but now we’ve got an even bigger problem . . .’ Alice told them everything that had happened and what she’d overheard in Miss Grammaticus’s study. She left out the part about Principal Swift telling her to destroy the antidote. She still needed to think about that.

  By the time she’d finished talking, the others were sitting on the edge of their seats, mouths open.

  Chloe spoke first.

  ‘The Best Minister and Miss Grammaticus are really brother and sister?’ she said, aghast.

  ‘Frazzling fruitcakes! How are we supposed to fight them both?’ complained Kevin.

  ‘Just what I was thinking,’ said Jago grimly. ‘Two problems, firstly we’re not adults and secondly there’s no time left to plan anything much.’

  ‘Principal Swift said eleven was old enough!’ Alice knew that whatever the other three said, she would have to try stopping the Best Minister. ‘If you three won’t help me I’ll do it on my own!’

  ‘Of course we’re gonna help yer!’

  ‘I’m with you too, even if it’s hopeless!’

  ‘I didn’t say I wasn’t going to help!’ Jago sounded hurt. ‘I was just pointing out how difficult it’ll be. And we can’t do it alone, we’ll need the others and that means taking big risks. You understand this could go horribly wrong and then—’

  Kevin interrupted before Alice could. ‘Jago, mate – SHUT UP!’

  ‘I’m only pointing out that we’re likely to die.’ Jago sounded even more hurt.

  ‘This is war, mate, someone’s always gonna get hurt.’

  ‘We’ve got to protect Alice whatever happens,’ said Jago. ‘She’s the best weapon against the Best Minister we’ve got.’

  ‘And she’s our friend!’ Chloe added.

  Alice fingered the vial in her pocket guiltily. I’ll destroy the antidote when the time’s right and tell them then, she promised herself.

  It was Chloe’s idea to use their Solutions lesson to make battle plans.

  ‘We need to tell the others anyway, we can’t do this on our own,’ she said. So, when Mr Pye left the classroom, Jago bent down to Alice, who was hiding inside one of the kitchen cupboards.

  ‘You speak to them.’

  ‘I can’t!’

  ‘You’ll have to,’ Jago was firm. ‘And tell them who you really are, so that they listen to you.’

  Nervously, Alice climbed out and up on to the hob.

  ‘Portland! Great – now tell us why you were silly enough to come back!’ Oscar shouted, grinning. ‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw you in The Cage.’

  ‘Yeah, that was stupid! The others were dragged back, but you came back yourself
– you must be cracked!’ Henry added in disgust.

  Everyone clustered around Alice, talking excitedly and asking questions about what she’d been doing.

  ‘I’ll tell you what happened later, but first I’ve got to tell you something.’ Alice crossed her fingers. She hoped desperately that she was doing the right thing. ‘My name’s not really Portland Maggott. It’s Alice Dent.’

  The other pupils gasped.

  ‘You mean . . . that girl on them posters Mrs Peasley put up?’ asked Oscar, shocked. ‘But you look nothing like her!’

  Alice nodded, blushing as everyone immediately stared hard at her.

  ‘The Best Minister’s after her because she’s got this infectious thingy called a Pirus,’ Chloe told them. ‘It makes animals really love her. Alice, show them what’s in your pocket.’

  ‘The Pirus makes me happy as well,’ Alice added as she lifted Nibbles out, but everyone was too busy cooing over the preening mouse to listen. Instead they all wanted to know how they could catch the Pirus too.

  ‘That’s enough!’ ordered Jago at last. ‘Right now, we’ve got a really big problem. Tell them, Alice.’

  ‘The Best Minister’s planning to grab all the children in the country and do horrible things to them and he’s doing it tonight,’ Alice said, slipping a protesting Nibbles back into her pocket.

  Quickly she told them all about the Best Minister’s plans. When she had finished, everyone was boiling with rage.

  ‘No one’s pulling all my teeth out – no way!’

  ‘I’m not having cold baths – not ever!’

  ‘We’ve got to stop them!’

  ‘Let’s fight them!’

  ‘Yeah, Fight!’

  ‘Fight!’

  ‘Shhh! The staff will hear!’ Chloe ran to the door and checked outside. Alice held up her hand.

  ‘We can’t fight them. They’re too big and there’s too many of them; they’ll turn us into mincemeat. They hate children, don’t forget. And if they get scared they’ll just disappear back into the secret corridors in Miss Grammaticus’s study. We need to get them out of the study to stop them. They’re here until five o’clock, so we haven’t got much time.’