Alice Dent and the Incredible Germs

by Gwen Lowe

  ‘That’s only three hours away. Anyone got a plan?’ asked Jago.

  There was silence.

  ‘I know where there’s a big tub of ball bearings,’ said Kevin at last.

  ‘Yeah, so what?’ said Henry.

  ‘Have yer ever tried to walk on ’em?’ asked Kevin, a big grin spreading over his face.

  ‘What about the Poppets?’ asked Oscar. ‘They’ll try and stop us.’

  Everyone stopped talking. They knew Oscar was right.

  Then Emerald screamed and leapt into the air. The stove hob she was perched on was moving. They stared in horror as it flipped open.

  ‘I might be able to help,’ said Mr Pye, climbing up through the stove. ‘I just need six of your best clothes makers, the sewing machines in the dungeons and a false wig and beard.’

  ‘B-b-but . . .’ Alice stammered.

  Mr Pye smiled. ‘You didn’t think I was on the Best Minister’s side did you? Why do you think I always let you make such a mess?’

  He bent closer to Alice. ‘Full marks on your spelling test I think, Alice Dent. And I trust Principal Swift solved your little antidote problem?’

  Alice felt her mouth fall open. ‘The note? That was you? You know who I am?’

  Mr Pye chuckled. ‘You lot talk far too much in lessons. Haven’t you heard the saying that stoves have ears?’

  ‘Walls,’ corrected Jago. ‘The saying is “walls have ears”.’

  ‘I prefer stoves,’ said Mr Pye firmly.

  The ideas flowed rapidly after that. Within an hour they had a plan.

  At four o’clock, there was a knock on the front door.

  ‘Sanitized Physical Education Supplies at your service!’ said the smart black-bearded man with thick glasses who stood on the doorstep. Alice thought no one could possibly recognize Mr Pye underneath.

  ‘We make guaranteed germ-free equipment for getting children fit. Demonstration requested by Miss Grammaticus,’ Mr Pye added hastily as Mrs Peasley opened her mouth to tell him to go away.

  The Averages hung eagerly out of the upstairs windows and watched as rolled-up plastic packages were taken inside to the main hall.

  ‘Miss Grammaticus wanted her best pupils to test the equipment,’ said Mr Pye as a giant fuzzy purple wall rose up from a machine behind him. It looked like one side of a bouncy castle. ‘I don’t need any help – just keep me supplied with strong tea.’

  ‘I’ll leave you to get on with it then.’ Mrs Peasley strode away, looking totally miffed.

  ‘I’ve got a Harvester Trugg, Lewis Berry, Courtney Snell and Freddie Darling listed,’ Mr Pye read from a notebook in his hand. ‘The instructions say . . . test this to destruction and give me your valuable opinions on whether to buy it, my little poppets.’

  He looked up. ‘These must be very important and clever pupils – where are they?’

  The Poppets gloated as they pushed forward. Alice didn’t dare to believe that Mrs Peasley hadn’t even questioned it. She could hardly keep still as the Perfect Poppets were helped into brand-new fluffy (and very hastily stitched) yellow overalls and led across the hall towards what looked like a large cannon.

  It was over very quickly. Four rapid shots later and the Poppets were spread-eagled high up on the inflatable wall, held fast by the thousands of tiny hooks coating it. They couldn’t move.

  Everyone fell about with laughter as the Poppets shrieked and struggled helplessly. Unseen, Mr Pye packed up the rest of the equipment and slipped out.

  ‘I’m going to call an urgent staff meeting,’ he whispered to Alice as he passed. ‘It’ll keep the teachers out of the way.’

  Alice couldn’t believe how well everything had gone so far. Perhaps there was hope now for the rest of their plans.

  Jago made Alice, Kevin and Chloe meet him on the Dusty Side for a final check through.

  ‘It’s ten minutes until five o’clock – is everything battle ready?’

  They all nodded.

  ‘Are you sure all the staff are out of the way, Kevin?’

  ‘Yeah, I told yer, they’re at Mr Pye’s urgent meeting – and I . . . er . . . locked the staff room door to keep ’em there.’ Kevin grinned, waving the key.

  Jago nodded approvingly.

  ‘What about Miss Grammaticus and Mrs Peasley?’

  ‘Still in Miss Grammaticus’s study with the Best Minister,’ Chloe told him.

  ‘Stop fussing, mate!’ interrupted Kevin impatiently. ‘Yer know it’s all sorted.’

  ‘Yes, all the people-traps are set and everyone knows what to do. Everyone’s helping, even the Dunces.’

  ‘Not the Poppets, they’re still stuck,’ objected Jago, who hated inaccuracy.

  Chloe glared at him.

  ‘And I’ve locked all the animals in the hand-washing classroom so they can’t get hurt,’ Alice added hastily. ‘I’ve messed up my hair too, so the Best Minister’s soldiers know I’m Alice Dent.’

  ‘Are yer gonna be OK, Alice?’ Kevin asked her. ‘Yer know yer need to run like the wind in front of them soldiers and tell the others they’re coming.’

  ‘Keep moving and you won’t be caught,’ Jago advised.

  Alice nodded. She wished the boys would stop giving her advice; it made her feel a lot worse.

  ‘Time to go,’ said Jago, checking his watch.

  They climbed down the chimney one by one. Grinning, Kevin hurried off. He had to remove the giant emergency emptying plug from the bath at exactly the right time; Jago had big plans for the bathwater.

  ‘You go too, Chloe,’ ordered Jago, and she sped off.

  Jago and Alice picked up the other end of the bath’s giant hose-like waste pipe and ran in the direction of Miss Grammaticus’s study.

  ‘Good thing I pulled this end out of the drain and hid it here earlier; we’ve only got two minutes and seven seconds to go,’ Jago muttered, as he aimed the pipe towards Miss Grammaticus’s study door. Alice couldn’t help him much; she was trembling with excitement and nerves.

  Very soon, the pipe quivered as the pressure from the released bathwater built up . . . and built up . . .

  ‘Five, four, three, two, one—’ A column of foaming water burst out of the diverted waste pipe and jetted towards Miss Grammaticus’s study door.

  ‘NOW!’ yelled Jago, and Alice flung the study door wide open.

  ‘ARRRGH!’

  Scores of soldiers shrieked as torrents of water blasted in. They tried to dash towards the door but fell helplessly, knocked over by the blast.

  It was just as if Jago was playing skittles.

  Alice grinned, but then the jet of water abruptly slackened and fizzled out . . .

  ‘GO!’ shouted Jago.

  Wet soldiers were surfing furiously towards them. All giggles gone now, Alice stepped forward.

  ‘You want me – come and get me!’ she screamed, before turning and sprinting down the main corridor. The soldiers hurtled after her.

  It was time to activate the traps.

  ‘They’re coming!’ she shouted, leaping past the first ambush. As soon as she had passed, the youngest Dunces flung handfuls of ball bearings across the shiny floor.

  ‘ARRRGH!’

  ‘OUCH!’

  The Best Minister’s troops screamed as they slipped and tripped and crashed to the floor. The Dunces grinned as they tied up the fallen soldiers.

  Alice giggled, but didn’t dally. She knew that once the ball bearings had rolled away, there was nothing to stop the next wave of soldiers . . .

  ‘They’re coming!’ she screamed at Oscar.

  He’d prepared a large lake of golden syrup mixed with treacle and other things that made it as slippery as ice (it was amazing what they had learnt in Solutions). It was unfortunate for the soldiers that the trap was directly under a large wasps’ nest that Alice had cautiously borrowed from the Pest Control classroom. Thanks to the Pirus, the wasps hadn’t minded at all when she moved them into the best stinging position, but they were very unhappy about h
aving to share their syrup lake . . .

  ‘Now!’ Alice shrieked up to the girls waiting at the top of the secret stairs. They had made battering rams out of giant gym balls filled with water. These shot down the stairs like cannon balls, knocking over anyone in their path.

  Some of the troops were stupid enough to try and climb the stairs between the twin slides. A pupil on each chute, a rope between them as they slid down, and the soldiers tumbled to the bottom.

  Alice ran on. She was having fun now.

  ‘Get ready, Emerald!’

  Emerald had coated the floor with a layer of quick setting jelly. This made the invaders skid and crash together, just like cars on ice.

  ‘They’re coming, Henry!’

  Henry waved at her.

  ‘I’ll get the best score, you wait and see!’

  He was right. His rat trap was the best weapon of the battle. It doused passing soldiers in sugar solution and porridge oats then caught them with a tripwire. They fell screaming into the rat pen and disappeared under an onslaught of rats, eager to eat the sweet flakes (rats can never resist oats, no matter who they are attached to).

  Giggling, Alice stopped to watch.

  ‘Get lost, Alice!’ Henry shouted. ‘You’re distracting my rats!’

  Chloe was waiting in the entrance hall, holding a tin of enormous black spiders and a catapult. Getting the spiders had been easy; Alice had put her hand into a tangle of cobwebs and let the spiders run up her arm. It still made her shudder to think about it.

  ‘Ready?’ Alice asked, still fizzing with excitement.

  Chloe shook her head. ‘I’m really s-scared.’ She shook so much that her teeth chattered. ‘And my nose keeps running!’ She sneezed loudly.

  This startled the two Pest Control class rats who were snuffling around Alice’s feet. They had slipped over to Alice at the rat trap, clinging to her so firmly that in the end she’d taken them.

  ‘I’m not sure I can do this,’ Chloe said.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ Alice told her. ‘Now give me the spiders!’

  ‘Spiders won’t stop the Best Minister’s men!’ Chloe protested. She had said things like this a lot while Kevin was giving her a crash course in how to fling stones from his home-made catapult.

  ‘Trust me, they will,’ Alice retorted, taking the tin. ‘Most grown-ups hate spiders.’

  ‘No sign of Jago.’ Chloe changed the subject firmly.

  Alice had been trying not to think about where Jago had got to. They had agreed that he would look for the Best Minister and come and tell Alice when he was captured. It wasn’t good news that he hadn’t arrived.

  ‘Shhh! Someone’s coming!’

  Alice heard it too, the quick footsteps of a lone person hurrying.

  ‘Jago!’ she said, relieved, stepping out.

  ‘No, don’t—’ Chloe tried to stop her.

  Too late.

  It wasn’t Jago.

  It was a tall man, dressed in black and frighteningly familiar. For several seconds they both froze, staring at each other, then Alice reeled back in horror as the man’s black holes of eyes widened in recognition.

  It was the Best Minister!

  ‘Ah – so I’ve found you at last, Alice Dent,’ he said with satisfaction, his terrible voice sending shivers down Alice’s spine. ‘You’ve caused me a lot of trouble, child, but that ends right now.’

  Alice couldn’t reply; her mouth was parched with fear.

  ‘So this is where you’ve been hiding?’

  Alice trembled – the Best Minister’s mask-like face was terrifying close-up.

  ‘Trust my idiot of a sister not to recognize you; I’ll deal with her later. But first I’ll deal with you.’

  He casually flicked his gloved hand. To Alice’s absolute horror, a long metal pole snaked out of his sleeve and a vicious hook on the end snagged her tunic.

  She screamed.

  Chloe screamed too.

  Alice couldn’t move; the metal pole had her in an iron grip and was raising her up off the floor. The Best Minister began to pull her towards him, his dark eyes spearing hers.

  ‘The catapult!’ yelled Alice, but incredibly Chloe dashed forward and kicked the Best Minister’s shin instead, dropping the tin of spiders on the floor.

  ‘LET HER GO!’ shrieked Chloe.

  Struggling uselessly, Alice saw that the lid had popped off the spider tin and a few brave spiders were creeping out. She hastily averted her eyes so the Best Minister didn’t spot them, but he was too busy terrorizing Chloe to notice.

  ‘You’re in serious trouble now, girl,’ he told her viciously.

  Chloe froze, turning deathly white. But her kick had set the rats off. They darted forward, nipping and biting at the Best Minister’s ankles. For just a second he looked down, the hook wavering . . . and noticed the spiders swarming up his legs.

  ‘ARRRGH!’ he screamed, letting go of Alice and swatting wildly at his trousers. Alice fell painfully to the floor.

  ‘RUN!’ screeched Chloe, backing away from the Best Minister, who was now stamping on the spiders.

  But by the time Alice had untangled herself, the Best Minister had recovered. He snatched up his hook and reached for her again . . .

  ‘YOU CRUEL MEANIE – they were harmless!’ Alice shouted as she fled, twisting through corridors at top speed, terror making her faster than a rocket. The Best Minister ran after her, she could hear his harsh breathing coming closer and closer . . .

  Panicking, Alice led him through the battle traps, but he avoided everything. By the time he had ducked under the wasps’ nest, Alice was desperate. The other pupils shrank back as she passed, unable to help. No matter how she tried to shake the Best Minister off, he easily kept up with her.

  Alice’s lungs were bursting; she had to slow down. The gap between them narrowed. He was going to catch her with that hook. It was getting closer . . . and closer . . .

  ‘No!’ she screamed, as it missed her by a flea’s breadth.

  Then, a brilliant idea struck her.

  ‘Can’t catch me, Beastly Minister!’ she shrieked, tugging open the door of the hand-washing classroom. As she had hoped, the Best Minister tore in after her.

  ‘Come and get me then,’ said Alice, turning to face him with a big grin.

  The Best Minister skidded to a halt.

  ‘You little . . !’ he cursed furiously, his black eyes flaming.

  All the animals that Alice had locked up in the classroom flung themselves at her in delight. Cuddles, Precious, badgers, hedgehogs, squirrels and a multitude of rodents all pushed against her.

  Alice sniffed happily. The smell was disgusting. Even better, she could see steaming piles of droppings everywhere.

  The Best Minister choked. Quickly he took out a perfectly folded handkerchief and held it across his face. Alice giggled. She guessed he wouldn’t risk getting too close now. He was way too frightened of catching nasty germs.

  But even from across the room, he was still terrifying.

  ‘You can’t escape me, you horrid little child. I will hunt you down in the end – so I’ll give you one last chance now. Give me the antidote!’

  Alice jumped, abruptly swallowing her giggles. She fingered the vial in her pocket.

  ‘Why do you want to get rid of the Pirus?’ she asked, needing time to think. ‘What’s wrong with everyone being happy?’

  The Best Minister’s eyes glittered. ‘Happy people are dangerous, they just do what they like. I can’t control happy people.’

  ‘That’s horrible!’

  ‘Horrible? Horrible? You don’t know what you’re talking about, you idiot girl! My family lost everything in the last Pirus outbreak. My Great Grandfather caught it and gave away everything: our fortune, our country estate and our family title, just because he was so happy.’ He made happy sound like a terrible disease.

  ‘Now I’ve finally got everything back, been made an important Best Minister and was just about to grab even more power, when yo
u show up with your poxy Pirus and wreck everything!’

  The Best Minister stopped, his voice cracking. Alice wondered fearfully if he was mad, but when he spoke again, he was calm.

  ‘You can’t stop my fantastic rise to power with a few childish traps, Alice Dent. You’ll never escape me now, I’m far too important. I know where you are. You can’t run from me.’

  His eyes bored into her. Alice shuddered.

  ‘I’ll squash you like a fly, make no mistake about that. I won’t let any spoilt little nuisance live who defies me. Unless . . . unless you hand over the antidote.’

  Alice clutched the tiny bottle in her pocket.

  ‘Give it to me, and instead of eliminating you, I’ll cure you – I’ll waste the first drops of antidote on saving your wretched little life. Don’t you want to live, child?’

  He held out his gloved hand.

  ‘Give me the antidote!’

  Alice couldn’t breathe. Nibbles quivered in her pocket, and she could see Precious circling the Best Minister, hackles raised.

  Slowly, reluctantly, she took the vial out of her pocket.

  ‘Yes, that’s it. Give it to me . . .’

  Alice gulped, looked directly into the Best Minister’s terrifying eyes and deliberately threw the vial on to the hard floor.

  It smashed into smithereens.

  The Best Minister’s face blanched even whiter. For a moment Alice thought that he might faint. Then he flung out his hook, his mask-like face cracking into rage.

  ‘I’m going to make you very sorry you did that, you foolish child.’

  As Alice hurriedly backed away, the animals surged forward in a tight pack. The Best Minister tried to fend off them off, but they dodged around his hook and lunged straight at him, jaws snapping. Furniture and sinks smashed as he fought – until in the end, shrieking with fury and disappointment, he leapt backwards and disappeared out of the door.

  Alice sat down abruptly in the middle of the hand-washing room as her legs gave way.

  I’ve wrecked the Best Minister’s plans! she thought, putting an arm around Precious. She couldn’t stop smiling, even though she knew the Best Minister could come back for her at any time.

  ‘Well, look on the bright side, I don’t think we’ll have to sing the hand-washing song this week,’ said Oscar cheerfully, popping his head round the classroom door and surveying the dung covered carnage inside.