Paper Dolls [Book Five]

by Blythe Stone

  “Can we please not talk about it anymore?” She asked troubled.

  “Sure,” I said.

  There was no reason to press it right now. I really didn’t want to drag us into any more discussions that were going to upset her. It was fresh. Maybe she needed to think it all through or just relax for the rest of the night.

  “We can talk about how we talked about the French Revolution in class today and I now have an inexplicable need for more French bread in my life.” I just wanted to say anything that could get her to laugh and she did.

  “You’re ridiculous,” she said. “Should I take you out for Italian or something? Would you like to go on a date, my love?”

  “With you, always. And you know how I feel about pasta. I need this to happen now. I am now hungry again but neither of us is getting up. I’m too comfortable.”

  “Would you be mad if I fell asleep on you?” She asked sadly. “You feel really good… Today made me tired...”

  “No.” I laughed and squeezed her with my arms. “I think we could both use some sleep anyway.”

  She kissed my neck and whispered, “Thank you…”

  I settled back and let her get comfortable while I did the same. We snuggled into the warmth we’d created in the middle of the bed. I had to kiss her before we went to sleep though. That was a requirement. She smiled when I did and I allowed myself to settle into my own skin.

  There were no expectations for tomorrow or how it would be. I wasn’t afraid right now. We were safe where we were and there was nothing stalking me. No ghosts in the closet or people lurking outside. Sounds like a silly thing to unsettle a person to the degree those thoughts did me.

  You just never know what it’s like to have your nervous system constantly kicked into high gear. That fight or flight always on and always making you jump. I hated it and I hated that she had to go through that with me but we’d made our choices. We were together forever, however long that was.

  Chapter 10

  Olivia

  I hadn’t really intended on talking to Avery about therapy…

  Wanting to not keep it a secret though sort of forced me to come out of the closet. I knew I wouldn’t last long anyway. How could I? I was madly in love…

  When you're in love with someone it's kind of impossible to keep secrets from them. The guilt will eat you alive.

  But maybe that's just my experience…

  Sadly, since therapy, my new concerns are all to do with her. I wasn’t scared about her hurting me physically. It could happen, and it probably would someday, but she’d always come out of it, right?

  The thought made me shiver. She was so very strong… And if for even one minute she could mistake me for him, I'd understand the pain, it'd just be hard to deal with and I didn’t like to think about that but right now it had flooded my mind.

  Before going in, my major worries were all mental though. I’d been worried about affecting her negatively, and in the long run. Her circumstances were already intense when I came into them. My worst fear was that I was legitimately making this internal fight harder for her. I didn't want that to be true.

  That’s why I’d gone to therapy today. That’s all I wanted to talk about. I wanted to find out if I was making it worse. I wanted to find out how to stop myself from making it worse for the both of us.

  I didn’t get to ask those questions. I didn't even get to talk about that. I had no time and no say. I was asked questions that tried to focus on me and I didn't need that and I didn't get anything from that besides MORE PROBLEMS.

  I was left NO TIME TO ASK about the things I really wanted to know!

  Even worse, had I asked? I knew I wouldn’t have gotten much help. At least, not from Vivianne.

  That’s what I learned today and it wasn't any fun.

  The experiment was nice. Meeting Atlas was fun. Getting to sit in that fine room with the comfy chairs and the rug with that beautiful woman was very nice. But it DID. NOT. HELP.

  And that still burned. Even now.

  I hated to always think that if I wanted help I'd have to find it on my own. That was the worst feeling and yet it was the one I'd always settled on since the time I was very young. I'd been dodging therapy so long and all because of this fear of this, this fear of it being worthless and making me more vulnerable without cause. It was interesting really. But, for Avery, I'd at least try…

  Meanwhile...

  I’d have to read on my own… Learn… On. My. Own.

  Again.

  When Avery came home and found me I’d been playing for some time. I’d gotten a new book in the mail a few days ago and I wanted to study it. It was something I ordered while we were still out in Napa…

  Avery mentioned how much she loved the film V for Vendetta. I instantly knew I needed to learn the music. I never really cared much for that film. I didn’t even remember it really. Anyway, I found the entire score. Problem was, there wasn’t much for piano. I was trying to somehow transpose the most moving pieces and compose something with a similar emotional charge for the piano. I found it surprisingly easy to do. It was almost like it started with a piano score and then was transposed the other way around. For the most part it was TOO intense. In the end though I got sort of lost on a normal song from the film. I spent a long time playing Anthony and the Johnson’s Bird Guhl and singing it all alone. That made me too sad… I thought of Avery and Adam and Avery’s angel-wing anklet… I thought of Avery as a bird girl holding her heart and having clipped wings but knowing that one day she would fly.

  I had to stop playing that or I’d never stop myself crying.

  By the time she finally came home I’d moved on to playing other things. After my little Dario Marianelli, Pride and Prejudice, segway, you know, for the sake of my health, I hopped over to Miyazaki and got a little lost in Joe Hisaishi’s music to rightfully clear my mind. Light and airy, a musical dance nothing like the triumph and intense blasting of V for Vendetta.

  After all of the silent emotional turmoil from the day, just seeing Avery again and being able to fall asleep on her skin felt like absolute heaven.

  When I finally woke I could see the day was late but I knew I wanted to make it up to her. Avery was still somewhat beneath me. She seemed so calm. I felt my hand absentmindedly raise to touch her face but I stopped it once I saw what it was about to do. It was so rare that Avery actually got a good night’s sleep. If she was sleeping now and I could watch her, I should be her guardian and let her be.

  I moved to slip off of her and instantly felt her hands move to keep me.

  “Olivia?” Her voice was groggy and confused. She came more awake after a few moments and blinked bleary eyes open at me. “Sorry,” she said, releasing me.

  “I’m right here,” I said, moving back up on her and kissing her slow. As soon as I’d done it I knew I probably shouldn’t have. She felt waaaay too good. I didn’t like leaving the room when she could taste just like that. Sex in an instant.

  “Mmmm,” I hummed, pushing myself up a bit and touching her lips with my fingers as I let out a sigh. “I was just about to get ready to take you out,” I said.

  “Oh, well then we should both get ready.” She didn’t move though just kept looking at me through sleepy eyes.

  “You okay?” I asked, trying to figure her out. I let my hand brush her side to try and make sure she was still calm. “We can sleep more if you want. I just thought you’d be hungry. I really didn’t want to wake you. I just wanted to surprise you...”

  “I’m super. I actually got some sleep, real sleep. No, you go get ready and I’ll stay here and be surprised after you’re done.” She closed her eyes and settled her head back into the pillow.

  “Okay,” I sighed, reluctantly pushing myself down her body and off of her.

  All the things I’d seen and read today really stressed how important normal fun things were. I really wanted to be better at this. It was good for both of us when I was better.

  I slipped out and ru
shed through the process of showering, drying my hair, and doing my makeup. Avery rarely got to see me dolled up so I actually spent some time and applied myself on routines I used to revel in. The slow swooping of my kabuki brush, the soft powder being smoothed on. The extended lashes perfectly place. Eyeliner, eye shadow, the formulaic application of paint like some well-practiced artist. And the slow process of squeezing my hair through two thin strips of hot ceramic. Product after product, routine after routine. So many things in my day used to be repeat rhythms.

  It made me smile now to remember, all that free time and how I used it, in what way.

  It was just like the lab and its procedure, never one step before the next. Always a well thought out map, items on a list being checked off one-by-one.

  Slipping out of the bathroom and getting to the closet, I hurried. I just wanted to make her happy.

  I found a tight black dress to wear and put it on. I wanted something that really showed off my body. Last added touches were actually quite hard to decide on. It was weird to really feel like it was a date. We were to be married. Why was I still so nervous sometimes?

  I put my heels on and made sure I looked right. The way I was dressed I could be going out to an expensive club. I was dressed as bait, basically. I knew she’d like that. I had my clutch in my hand and everything.

  “Okay,” I said, after walking out. I’d given up. If I thought about it too much it would never feel right. I just rarely put so much effort into making sure I looked right. This was how I would’ve prepared if I hadn’t been engaged to Avery and I was excited to meet her and let her know I was interested. “Ready,” I sighed, walking out and feeling a bit shaky.

  She stirred as I came close to the bed and once her eyes were open she sat up. “Holy shit.” Her eyes were wide. “You look fucking amazing. Oh my god…” Her mouth hung open a bit and she just kept looking at me, sweeping her eyes from my feet to my head.

  So much time had gone by but she could still easily slay me. I felt the blush rise to my cheeks as my heart raced. The way she was looking…

  “Yeah?” I asked, walking close to her and taking her face in my hands to make her look up at me. I wanted to keep this moment like so many others.

  I felt her hands come to the backs of my knees and lovingly touch.

  “I wanna treat you,” I said, looking down at her and seeing how attracted and enamored she was. I could just eat her up…

  “Well, this is certainly a treat. You know, I’m tempted to just have you instead of dinner but this is date night so I’ll refrain.” She kissed me and kept looking when she leaned back. “I’m gonna need a minute to get ready.”

  She hopped off the bed and ran for the bathroom. I heard the water turn on after she shut the door but it was the sink and not the shower.

  I went and got my bag and took a few things out to add to my clutch. I sort of hated feeling nervous but I sort of loved it too. I sat down on the bed and waited. I felt a little impatient and I heard a knock on the door.

  “Olivia?” It was my mom.

  I got up and went to check. I closed Avery in our room just in case she decided to come out naked or something.

  I twisted the handle on one of the main doors and opened it.

  “Wha- ahhh- Wow,” she said, running her eyes down my body very slow. Her eyes seemed a little stuck on my chest. I looked down.

  “Oh,” I realized. I held my hand over my stomach awkwardly. “Yeah,” I said, nervous. “I’m taking Avery out tonight,” I explained.

  “I see,” she said, smirking and nodding. Her eyes were still looking down my body though and not seeing me.

  “Okay, can you not?” I laughed awkwardly. I closed the door a bit and pushed my body behind it.

  “You just look…”

  “I know,” I said, trying to get her to stop.

  “Ahh, I just came to see how it went today with Vivianne,” my mother sighed and collected her eyes. I could actually see her trying NOT to look at me.

  “It was… I dunno,” I confessed. “It was strange,” I nodded gently. “Avery’s getting dressed,” I said, warning her. I opened the door and took her hand to pull her in toward the couch to sit down next to her.

  “Well, did she help at all?” My mom asked.

  “No,” I said easily. “Mrs. Daniels at school helped a little. There’s a lot I need to learn but that’s not why I wanted to go.”

  “Okay,” my mother said.

  “Do you like therapy?” I asked. I’m sure she could tell by the look on my face that I most certainly did not. She started to laugh.

  “Nobody likes therapy. It’s like going to the doctor,” my mother laughed. “I like that I’ve seen results,” she said.

  “What kind of results?”

  My mom used to ask me if I wanted to see a therapist. I always thought it was a dig about how I held myself and how I kept things and how I wasn’t just normal with her or nice to her, I dunno…

  “I’m a nicer person sometimes,” my mother said. “I can find peace momentarily about things that used to bother me too much.”

  It sounded nice. Sounded like what I wanted to have.

  “You’re not having any dark thoughts or anything?” She asked, surprisingly.

  “What?! No,” I said concretely. “I just. I feel like I’m making things harder… For Avery,” I whispered that last bit. “She’ll have these attacks and it’s almost like I can’t calm down enough after, I can’t pretend they haven’t just happened and that complicates things.”

  “It sounds like you care about her,” my mother teased sardonically. I felt her hand ontop of mine.

  “Shut up,” I laughed, pushing her hand away. “You know what I mean.”

  “I know you’re over-thinking like you always do,” she said.

  I heard the bathroom door open on the other side of the bedroom door and wondered if Avery would be worried that I wasn’t in the room.

  “I should probably…”

  “Vi?” I heard her call.

  “Out here with my mom,” I said, just in case.

  “Oh, cool. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  “K,” I said, all those jitters returning.

  “Avery brought up therapy,” I said.

  “Oh?”

  “She meant, for herself. Or to get tips on how to help when she has the dreams… I just thought I could do more.”

  “You’re doing a lot,” my mom said.

  “She wants to get married on her birthday,” I said.

  “A date,” my mother registered, a slow smile rising up on her face.

  “I was thinking Big Sur. Something small. A cliff-side house?”

  “Can we please go out to lunch tomorrow? Just the two of us?” My mother asked.

  “I’d like that,” I said. There was a lot I wanted to talk about all of a sudden. I guess it was easier between my mother and me now. Our conversations weren’t entirely about our messed up relationship anymore. We needed to have other things to talk about, other things besides how we were hurting each other with our words or our silences.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so-”

  “No,” she said, her eyebrows raising as a warning as she took my hand again and squeezed. “You’ve been perfect,” she said.

  I felt a small gasp escape me along with a half-laugh.

  This still felt new. Also, like I didn’t deserve it.

  “Tomorrow?” My mom asked.

  “Tomorrow,” I nodded a bit more stern.

  The bedroom door opened and Avery stepped out in a short blue dress with a sheer neck. She’d wrangled her hair into perfect waves and applied more makeup than normal. It was still completely natural looking, just more eye makeup and a heavier lip gloss.

  “Hey, Liz,” she smiled. She clasped her hands in front of her, looking a little self-conscious.

  On instinct, my mother and I both stood up. When I caught sight of Avery my heart stopped before deciding to resume it’s pounding like a dangerou
s hammer.

  “My...” my mother said dreamily as she stared at Avery and then right back at me a little taken.

  I gave my mom a soft smile before turning to Avery. I wanted to touch Avery so much. I felt my hand fall to her waist as I moved in for a necessary hug.

  “You look beautiful,” I whispered as I felt my hand move from her waist to her back.

  “Should I call you a car?” My mother asked.

  I pulled back from Avery, taking care. Once I'd done it though I felt my eyes drift up to hers and then down to her lips. She was so perfect. I couldn't help it. I leaned in and tasted her mouth with my tongue, my lips falling shortly after as my hand led her face into mine. I wanted her so much. I felt her hands holding my waist as she kissed me back.