Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Okay my little humming bird, you sing Mummy your new song.”

  “A b c d e f g h I j k lello lello p q r s t u b w x y and z, now I know my abc’s, next time won’t you sing with me.”

  We sit for a while, and Harlow sings every song she knows, a lot seem to be from the movie Frozen - she is obsessed. We talk about what Santa is going to bring her from Christmas, and Auntie Robbie is going to make the bestest Christmas lunch. “Harlow, are you ready to go? We will stop at the shop on the way home and get you a surprise.” Winnie says.

  “Can Daddy come?”

  “How about we let daddy stay and talk to mummy, and he can meet us at home later.” Winnie says.

  She thinks about it for a few seconds; “Okay,” she says, before skipping off towards the car.

  “We have a few things to talk about when you get back,” Winnie says, giving me a hug. “I’m proud of you little brother.”

  Hearing her say she is proud of me means a lot, I would be lost without her. As I watch them walk away I sit by Amanda’s grave. It’s not all dirt now, the grass has grown over and she has fresh flowers in a vase that Harlow and Winnie have made. “Hi my Treasure, I’m so sorry I have not come to see you, I don’t know where to start. Robbie says I should talk to you, and it might help me move on, or whatever I am supposed to do now that you’ve gone. But I don’t want to move on, I still miss you like crazy; I need you; I’m a mess; you were the organised one, not me. Our wedding day it’s still a day I remember like it was yesterday; but I have nightmares about it, even though it starts out like the best dream I have ever had, it quickly turns into the worst day in my entire life. It’s just not fucking fair, or right.”

  Maybe talking to her isn’t so bad. I had thought I would feel like an idiot sitting her talking to myself, but I don’t - I feel strangely calm; like I always did when she was around. “I still don’t even know if I’m ready to be here, but I need to for my little Humming Bird, she needs me. Actually that’s bullshit, Winnie has done a wonderful job raising our baby, and I’m so ashamed I wasn’t the one to do it. But I just couldn’t look at her little face every day; she reminded me of you, and of everything we have lost. It has taken me until today to realise; even though I lost you, I gained something just as precious, and that is our daughter; she is funny, smart and so independent - just like you.”

  “It’s all my fault you are not here with me, caring for her and watching her grow into this little person; it’s like I’m on the outside looking in on this family I should be part of - but honestly I didn’t want to do it without you. If I had just seen the car sooner; I should have been paying more attention and not singing away. I still remember the song, like it’s drilled into my brain - Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. What once was one of your favourite song, is now one of the very things I fear hearing the most. A grown man scared of a song, how ridiculous does that sound? I hope you can forgive me wherever you are, I know you wanted me to save Harlow, but it was supposed to be us forever; me, you and our baby. Not Winnie and Robbie raising our child while I run at any sign of her getting close to me, or anyone getting close to me. You probably don’t want to hear this, but I have met this woman who drives me insane; but she made me open my eyes and see what I am doing with our daughter. I’m scared I might be feeling something for her, but I’m not ready – I don’t know how…..How I can move on when I’m still in love with you, the beautiful girl I fell in love with all those years ago? You know, I never told you this, but I use to sit and watch you and Sam all the time. I could tell Sam had a crush on Morris and I knew his crowd was the IT crowd. So I figured if I asked Morris, he could teach me to fight and I could fall in with him and his friends, then you would talk to me for sure, but we both know that is not what happened. I love you so so much, so much it hurts to breathe without you. One thing I’ve always wanted to know is why the letter? The one Sam gave to me after you died, I don’t even need to look at it anymore, I have read it so many times.”

  My dearest Dex,

  If you’re reading this, I am no longer with you. Maybe it was the day after I wrote this letter, or maybe fifty years, but however long it is, just know I love you more than anything in the world. Do you remember when I made you watch the Notebook nearly every day for a few months? I use to always cry; and you never understood why I would want to re watch a movie that made me sad, and you said you would watch it with me every time so you could hold my hand and wipe my tears. This letter is my way of holding your hand and wiping your tears. Please try not to remember how I died; but remember how I lived, how we lived and hold those memories close in the darkest of your days. We have so many good memories, and if you put them all together, they would outshine all the bad.

  I knew from the moment I set eyes on you, the dorky scrawny boy, you were going to be mine forever, and I know you will be mine until the day I’m no longer here. Please live for me and our baby - I always dreamed of making a part of each of us and having a child, just thinking about it makes my heart swell with joy and love.

  From the day I was born it was to love you Dex, and I hope I lived up to that. I hope I was a wonderful wife, and an amazing mother. If I am half as marvellous a person as you are, I will be happy because you are the man every woman wants - a true prince straight out of a fairy tale, except you are real and I was lucky to have you.

  Don’t forget you are a good man and deserve all the happiness in this world.

  I love you...... My Dex, my love, my everything.

  Your love, your light, your everything

  Your, Amanda XOXO

  “Amanda, you were not the lucky one; I was. Every day you touched not just my life, but everyone’s around you, and I hope to one day be half the person you were.” I stand up and wipe my eyes, I’m not sure how long I have been here talking to Amanda, but I feel like I’m a step closer to getting my shit together, getting that day out and talking about it feels like a weight of my shoulders. Gazing down at Amanda’s grave and whisper, “Merry Christmas, I love you my Treasure.”

  As I walk away, I know Ruby deserves an apology and an explanation to what I dragged her into emotionally. I have broken one of her rules and I just hope she hasn’t fallen for me when I cannot reciprocate those feelings the way she deserves. Today has just proved I still love Amanda as much today as I did when I met her. There is still a few hours until I’m expected at Ruby and Jash’s for Joe’s Christmas Eve dinner, and maybe it’s time all my new friends met my daughter, Harlow.

  Getting on my bike, I know I have to go see Ruby now; especially if I’m going to take Harlow to the Christmas party later. It’s important to get everything off my chest now. As I pull into her driveway, I park my bike next to her car and tell myself I can, and have to do this. I knock on the door and I get no answer, but I know they are both home so I knock louder and louder. I’m sure I have probably woken the neighbours by now, but I do not give up until the door opens; and fucking Oliver is standing there in nothing but his jocks, scratching his head.

  “Where the fuck is Ruby?” I say pushing my way through the door, “and what the fuck are you doing here?” I see a smile reach his lips, and I want to knock that smug look right off his face.

  “Why do you think I’m here?” He jeers.

  “Don’t fucking push me, pretty boy.” I state. “I don’t give a shit who your family is, I will….”

  “You will what, huh?” he says.

  But I’m not going to fight him right now. Instead, I just start walking towards her room to find out for myself what is going on.

  “I wouldn’t go down there if I were you.” Oliver calls out. What the fuck is going on? I push open her door, but she isn’t in there; I check the bathroom, the spare room, but nothing. Maybe Jash knows where she is. I tentatively push open his door and there she is, half naked sprawled out next to fucking Jash. No, it can’t be… She wouldn’t do this! What do I care anyway, better yet why do I even care?

  I turn and watch Dex walk out of the shop
- I had to do it. That wasn’t just a fuck; that had feelings. Even if it was to help him get out of his brain, it’s my fault. I felt something and I let myself be vulnerable and weak around him, I never wanted to ever be that person again. I hear Jash come in through the doors.

  “Hey Ruby, you in here?” He says, turning the main lights on.

  “Back here.” I call out, making sure I have myself covered. I have asked him to bring me a change of clothes.

  “I brought you the clothes you wanted, it’s not easy finding shit in your room, and you need some serious organization skills. I live with an animal.” He complains, as he rounds the corner.

  “Sorry.” I say, not in any mood to play smartass back to him.

  “Shit, are you okay?” He says, rushing to my side. Jash really is a good guy; getting a cab home to get my clothes and coming here to get me.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” I say, grabbing the clothes he put next to me and sliding off the table. “I will be out in a sec.” I go into the back room and get changed, I need a stiff drink and I need one quick. Taking an extra few minutes I try to get myself together. Today has gone to shit, and now I’m about to get shit faced with my best friend.

  “You ready to get your drink on?” I say, putting on a fake smile.

  “We can just go home and watch a movie you pick; even though you have terrible taste in movies.” He teases.

  “I do not.”

  “What about one with that nerdy guy with the red hair, and that Pedro dude?”

  “Napoleon Dynamite, and it’s an awesome movie.” I say.

  “Yeah that one, it was total shit and boring,” he moans.

  “One movie doesn’t make my choices shit, and I remember you loved Bio Dome and Empire Records.”

  “Whatever, I said I would let you pick.” He repeats.

  “No movie, I just want to get drunk! Really messy, and horrible, forget my own name wasted - can we do that?”

  “Done, the cabby should be back any minute.” Jash helps me fix up my back and put some cling wrap and tape on it, he used a crap load of tape so we should be good for a few hours. I shut off all the lights and set the alarms as we walk out the door and take the cab to Paulie’s. When we get there the party is still going. I order a round of shots and some beers, Jash helps me carry them back to the table, this is going to get messy, and fast.

  My head is pounding and I feel like death; my mouth is so dry and my tongue feels like I was licking carpet all night, my head is fuzzy. I roll over and there is a body next to me, I start to freak out. I remember being with Dex and then going to Paulie’s to get plastered; but past the first round of shots it all begins to blur. Rolling over, I peak out of one eye and see Jash.

  “Jash, why are you in my bed?” I ask.

  “It’s my bed, and because you puked on yours. Now shut up and go back to sleep.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” I say.

  He makes some grunting noise and rolls over. It feels like I have only just closed my eyes when there is a banging noise. If I ignore it then it might just go away. I hear Jash mumble something about making it stop, I put the pillow over my head when the banging doesn’t stop, who the fuck would be here? Joe has a key, so it can’t be anyone important. After a few more minutes the banging stops and I can hear someone yelling, what the fuck!!? My brain is not equipped to deal with this kind of noise this early. I push on Jash’s back.

  “Go stop the yelling.” I mumble under my breath, but he doesn’t move.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Says a familiar voice, it instantly makes me sit up.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask through sleep filled eyes. Dex is standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, looking extremely pissed.

  “I think a better question is why Oliver is half naked answering your door, and why are you in bed with Jash?”

  “Can you two take your lovers quarrel elsewhere, I need my beauty sleep.” Jash grumbles from his side of the bed. As I get up and I look down and I’m only wearing a mini top which might as well be a bra and boy leg underwear. I walk past Dex, knowing damn well he will follow me. I make my way into my room and Dex walks in behind me and shuts the door.

  “So?” He says, giving me a disapproving look.

  “So what, Dex? I don’t know why I need to explain myself to you.” I can’t exactly explain what I can’t remember, but what I do know is nothing happened between Jash and I, or Oliver for that matter; I am about 99.9% positive anyway.

  “This is what we do, we fight and flirt. I thought the last few days we moved past that and you finally wanted what I did. I know my having a daughter is a game changer.” he says.

  “Wow! Let me get this straight; you thought I had an issue with you having a daughter, so I came back here and had some weird orgy with Jash and Oliver? You know what thought thought, don’t you? Thought thought he farted, but he really shit himself.”

  “What is that even supposed to mean?” He complains.

  “It means don’t come in here expecting an explanation for what is going on. I’m a grown ass woman and if I want to have a mass orgy, then I bloody well will.”

  “Knock, knock,” comes from Oliver, opening the door. “I’m going to leave, but thanks for inviting me.” He says.

  “Do you mind? We are in the middle of something here.” Dex says.

  “Now you are being rude to my guest? Thanks for coming, even though I don’t remember inviting you.”

  “You did drink a lot, and maybe strip poker will refresh your memory.” Oliver says, smugly walking from the room. The veins in Dex’s neck are pulsating, he takes a threatening step towards Oliver, but I side step in front of him.

  “Will you calm the fuck down, nothing happened.” I know I don’t owe him any explanations, but I find myself wanting to tell him; but definitely not until after coffee.

  “Can we go out to the lounge room? It smells like vomit in here.” He complains.

  “Stop telling me what to do!” I grump.

  “Actually, it turns me on when you’re feisty. And with you being half naked, it just makes it so much better.” He says winking at me and walking out of the room. I throw the shirt I stole from Dex on - since it’s the only thing that looks clean; my clean clothes pile is covered in what looks to be my vomit - damn it. Flashes from last night are starting to come back to me; drinking at Paulie’s, Oliver being at Paulie’s, though I can’t remember why. Coming back here to drink some more, but that’s all; so far everything else is a blur. I hear Dex call out coffee is ready and that is exactly what I need. I sit at the table in front of the coffee and take a sip. Dex doesn’t say anything, he is just leaning back in his chair, staring at me.

  “What?” I ask, taking a sip of my drink. He just shakes his head.

  “The shirt turns me on more than what you were wearing before,” he says. Damn him and his smart ass mouth. Well we wouldn’t want him more turned on, so I take the shirt off and throw it at him. He says he didn’t want it back, he just thought I would want to know my wearing his clothes turns him on.

  “So, you and Oliver?” He says, after a few minutes silence.

  “You’re seriously going to start with that? You see me in bed with Jash, yet Oliver is the issue? Why do you even care, you don’t want me?”

  “Oh I want you, and I have made that clear. How much do you know about Oliver?”

  “I know enough.” I snap, more memories from last night start coming back. Oh god, I saw Jash’s junk last night, playing strip poker. I groan and put my head on the table. “Can you get to the point, what did you come here for? Apparently I have a shit ton of washing to do, and I need to sleep before dinner tonight. Oh, and now we have an extra person coming, so I get the job of organising and picking up another chair for the table.”

  “Who else is coming?” He asks. Without thinking, I say Oliver. Dex gets pissed and gets up to leave.

  “Make that an extra two seats, I’m also bringing someone t
o dinner,” he immediately retaliates.

  “You can’t just bring someone to dinner. It’s mine and Jash’s house and we get to invite people, not you.”

  “Fine…JASH CAN I BRING SOMEONE OVER TONIGHT?” he yells.

  “Knock yourself out buddy.” Jash says, walking sleepily into the kitchen.

  “See you tonight at six.” Dex says to Jash, totally ignoring me.

  “You’re an asshole!!!” I yell at Dex as he leaves. “Way to have my back, Jash”.

  “Let’s call it payback for kicking my ass at strip poker and paying me out about seeing my dick,” he retaliates.

  “It doesn’t count since I don’t remember making fun of it, but I’m sure I had a good reason - maybe it’s small.”

  “It is not small. I will show you again just to prove it.” He says.

  Immediately I hurry out of the room, leaving Jash defending the size of his penis. I go and collect all of my washing and open my window to air out my room. I can’t believe I puked last night, I must have had Sambuca shots - what was I thinking? That’s right, I didn’t want to think about Dex and what this feeling in my gut every time he is around. Why him? Why now? He has way too much emotional baggage, especially when it’s added to mine. We would never work as fuck buddies. Not now, not after yesterday. I thought when he came to my room last week, we might have crossed the line. But it was clear yesterday, I’m still just a fuck; and really, that should make me happy. But what I’m feeling now isn’t happiness. With my first load of washing on, I go about organising an extra two chairs. I’m lucky, Ty says he can bring two outdoor chairs and that will have to do. I have wrapped all my presents already; and when I say I wrapped them, I mean Lizzy offered and she did it - but they are store wrapped perfect, so I’m taking all the credit.

  The day flies by and I manage to get all my washing done. Joe came over not long after lunch to start preparing the food, and Lizzy came over with Oliver not long after that. Oliver has been filling in some of the blanks from last night. Apparently I was teasing Jash about his penis, but because he’s circumcised. He also fills me in on why he stayed over; he was at Paulie’s drinking with friends after bringing a colleague to watch Yesterday’s Rejects, they made a night of it. Once Paulie’s shut down, Jash thought strip poker was a good idea and we were stupid enough to go along with it. We drank a lot at the bar; playing Never Have I Ever. It’s such a stupid, childish game. Lizzy comes out on a mission and a handful of red and green napkins we have orders to turn the napkins into Christmas trees with these star things she has made. She sits patiently and shows us how to make them. And while they look easy enough, I can tell you they are not that simple. I think I have ripped up more napkins than I have actually made. Oliver makes fun of me and he says mine look like trees that have been run over and he makes them all himself; his are as perfect as Lizzy’s, I can tell this is not his first time making napkin Christmas trees. The smells coming out of the kitchen are amazing, and I might just die of starvation, Jash has already tried sneaking in to get food and Lizzy sent him straight back out. Ty is the first guest to arrive, followed by Romeo, Morris and Sam, and they bring a heap of presents. Rayne is next to come also bringing a heap of gifts and says Bells wants us to FaceTime her when the gifts are being opened. I feel like an ass because I forgot to buy the baby a gift.