Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Shit, I didn’t know we had to bring everyone a gift.” Oliver whispers in my ear.

  “Neither did I, I barely know them,” I whisper back, “Should we sneak out and go buy servo gifts?”

  “What is a servo gift?” Oliver asks.

  “You know a gift you have forgotten until last minute, so you just buy whatever the nearest service station or convenience store has, sunglasses, hats, CD’s…”

  “Nah, I bought your gift, and I actually don’t know anyone else - so I’m good.”

  “You bought me a gift?” I ask surprised.

  “I’m not showing you until later.” He says, nudging my shoulder.

  Everyone is chatting and Lizzy is playing hostess, there is a small knock at the door and Jash opens it, I see him do one of those guy handshakes with Dex. I get this feeling in my stomach at the thought of seeing him with his date. Although I won’t let him see it bothers me. When Jash moves away from the door, this is when I see who Dex’s date is. When I see her fully, I would be lying if a small smile didn’t reach my lips. He didn’t bring a date, he bought his daughter. When the little girl catches sight of Romeo she takes off running, Romeo bends down as she runs into his arms. This little girl has managed to somehow light up the whole room. “I didn’t know you had a kid.” Jash says.

  “Her name is Harlow, and she is three.” He replies.

  Harlow runs from Romeos arms back to Dex. Have you ever had a moment where you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing something that breaks your heart? After ten years of hiding all my feelings, one little girl with her curly blonde hair and big brown eyes looking up at her daddy, makes all my walls crumble down. Given those walls had already started to crack the day I met Dex, his daughter is the one to finish them off. I run from the room, I need air - I feel like I can’t breathe, like someone has their hands around my throat and they’re applying slight pressure. Not enough to cut off all oxygen, just enough to make you aware you can’t breathe properly. I make it outside and leaning over I take big deep breaths, almost to the point of hyperventilating.

  “Are you okay Ruby?” Ty says, coming outside.

  “No.” I cry. He takes my hand and we sit on the back stairs.

  “What happened in there?” He asks.

  “The way she looked at him; it broke my heart she doesn’t have a mom, but she has a dad who she adores. It made me think of my dad and then my mother, and being abandoned. I have spent over half my life building walls to protect myself, thinking if I don’t have feelings then I won’t ever get hurt again. And until recently, you were the only person I ever cared about - someone who knew me, not this façade I have made up that people believe I am.”

  “You are strong and you have people here that love you. You don’t just have me anymore, and I have been a bit jealous of that; jealous you don’t always need me, but it’s a good thing. I know Jash has your back, and would do anything for you, just like I would. You know Joe needs you; you are his person, like I was yours. About Dex, I know I have been hard on you when it comes to him, but I can see how much you mean to each other, even if I don’t get the relationship you have. We finally have what we always wanted, and maybe it’s about time the girl I met comes out to meet everyone finally, no more hiding and running.”

  “I love you brother.”

  “Is everything okay out here?” Dex asks cautiously walking outside, Ty gets up and pats Dex on the shoulder before looking back at me and giving me the ‘talk to him’ look. Dex sits next to me and leans into my side “I’m sorry, I should have told you I was bringing Harlow.”

  “No, it’s not all okay….. well, it is kind of, but not in the way you think.” I say, wiping my eyes to try clear some of the tears. “I have been broken for a long time and I think tonight has made me see it’s time I finally started to put myself back together.”

  “Maybe we can help each other…… as friends,” he says.

  “Daddy, why are you outside?” Harlow says coming outside. “Oh no!” She says, looking at me. She moves past Dex and comes to stand in front of me “Why are you sad? Aunty Win says hugs make us not so sad.” She leans in and gives me a hug, and squeezes hard. When she pulls away she gives me a kiss on the cheek and says, “See, all better now.” And she jumps up the steps and runs back inside calling for Unky Rome O.

  “She is something special, Dex.” I say wistfully.

  “I know, her mother was the same way, that’s why it has been so hard for me.”

  “I won’t ever say it again, but I’m lucky to have you in my life.” I say.

  “No, I think I’m the lucky one.” He says. We sit together in silence for a few more minutes, until we hear Joe call out dinner’s ready. Dex stands and offers me his hand to help me up, I take his hand and we walk inside. I feel lighter, almost like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know I still have a heap of shit to deal with, but tonight I’m going to enjoy the company of my new family and friends.

  Joe has outdone himself with Christmas dinner; he really should consider being a chef. Looking around the table and watching everyone laughing and being together makes me realise this is home. And like Ty said we have finally found everything we have been searching for. Harlow is popping all the bon bons and making everyone wear the silly crowns. Sam has even been more tolerant towards me and has not made any snarky comments, which I think is only because Harlow is here - but she isn’t completely unbearable to be around tonight and almost seems human.

  “Who wants to open some presents?” Jash questions.

  “Meeee” Harlow squeals running towards the Christmas tree. I stand back and watch as this little girl tears through presents with so much joy. If I had known she was coming I would have bought her something. Dex tries to tell her to slow down, but she pays no attention to him and opens the rest of her presents. After Harlow is done, Dex sets her up with a colouring in book and pencils; he is different around her and I like it. Rayne declares he is giving out his and Bells’ presents first because he needs to get back to the hospital, he FaceTime’s her so she can watch everyone open their gifts, everyone spends five minutes going stupid over baby Jagger and how cute he is. I stand back with Oliver because, I mean, maybe he is cute in a little old man way.

  “Is it just me, or do babies all look like little old men?” Oliver whispers.

  “Yes, but shut up or we will have an angry mob jump us.” I whisper back and Oliver laughs. I see Dex look over at us and I think I can see jealousy on his face. Everyone opens Rayne and Bells’ gifts, they all laugh that she got Dex new jocks; but I don’t get it. Rayne leaves with a massive pile of gifts for Bells and Jagger. It’s my turn to give out my gifts and I start with Ty, I couldn’t wrap his present so I hid it in my room. Once I get it I walk out holding it behind my back, and Ty is holding mine behind his. Everyone must think we are crazy, because that is how they’re looking at us.

  “On three,” Ty says.

  “Three.” I say, skipping one and two and we both hold out our gifts. Maybe it’s seems silly that every year we get each other the same thing, but it’s our tradition.

  “You got him a spiky stick bush?” Jash laughs.

  “It’s a rose bush, you idiot.” Ty says.

  “But why did you buy your sister a bunch of roses?” Jash says confused.

  “It’s a long story, but it’s something I used to do with my mum. A tradition you could say, and now I do it with Ruby. Every woman deserves roses, to feel loved and beautiful, and what’s more beautiful than a rose. Roses remind me that even though once picked, they will eventually die; the beauty is in how they live. Yes, I’m the guy that grows roses, hence why Ruby bought me a rose bush for Christmas; so I can grow it and give her roses. And one day, to the woman I love. Looking at them everyday reminds me life if worth living, and everyday is a blessing.”

  “That’s deep man.” Jash says.

  Not many people know about Ty’s background, but Christmas is a hard time for him without h
is mum and tomorrow, we will drive to the cemetery with leftovers from Christmas lunch and have a picnic; and he will leave her roses. It’s the one time of year that no matter where I have been, I make the trip to spend the day with him.

  “So where are all my presents at?” Jash says, I hand him mine and watch his face as he reads the shirts I bought him. One says, Blink if you want me, and the other says, I’m lost! Please take me home with you. They are totally Jash on a Friday night, pulling out his novelty slogan T- shirts to pick up chicks, and it works.

  “These are Ace!” He says, taking off his shirt to try one on. I was worried I’d bought the wrong size, but they fit like a tight glove - just the way he likes them. Sam, Morris and Romeo are exchanging gifts and playing with Harlow. Joe, Lizzy and Oliver are watching Jash doing what he calls a gun show; flexing his muscles. Dex is just sitting back looking around the room.

  “Here, open mine next.” Oliver says handing me his phone; and I can see he is making a Face Time call to someone when all of a sudden, Mickki Rose from Black Diamond starts talking to me. I actually scream out of excitement, I think I have been lusting over him for years; Black Diamond is my favourite band, ever. He invites me to go backstage and be his guest at his concert, which I already have tickets for. I think I might actually hyperventilate for the second time tonight. Once I hang up I’m so excited and without thinking, I launch myself at Oliver. I snap out of it when I hear the fridge slam and realise Dex has left the room?

  “So you like your gift?” He asks.

  “I love it, thank you so much. Now I feel really bad for not getting you anything.”

  “Don’t worry about it, I’m not a man that wants for anything, and seeing how excited you were is enough.”

  “Let’s get back to the rest of the presents, shall we?” I say as Dex happens to be walking back in, he doesn’t look very happy. Jash gives me his present and I open it and it’s a pair of women’s pj’s.

  “It’s so you stop wearing men’s clothes to bed,” he says. He is so proud of himself. I won’t tell him I wear them by choice, not because I don’t own woman’s clothes to wear to bed.

  “That’s thoughtful, but she looks better in my shirt.” Dex says very matter of factly; giving Oliver a death stare while Sam gives me one. It’s like a stand-off in an old western movie, we just need to turn around take ten steps, and shoot.

  “Hey Joe, come open your present from me.” I say trying to break the tension and hostility in the air. Joe shakes the card and opens it, he takes the money out and reads the card, he has wanted to get his learner licence, but it’s so expensive. He thanks me and tells me I’m the best; until Ty says he has a surprise out back for him. He managed to get an old car for really cheap and plans to help Joe fix it up, they go off to talk cars and Lizzy goes with them. Dex comes over and gives me his gift.

  “Merry Christmas.” He says, as I hand him my gift.

  I’m speechless. It’s a strapless black leather body suit kind of like a cat woman suit and a pair of chunky black heels. I open up the body suit and I look at the art work down the side of the leg, it’s his art. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, “I love it.”

  “Romeo helped me out, he had it all made with my designs on the side.”

  “It’s absolutely amazing, now open yours now.” I watch as he opens his, and I see his face light up.

  “Signed by Travis Barker!” He exclaims.

  “Are they okay?” I ask, not sure if I got the right drum sticks for him.

  “They’re the best!” He says, swirling them in the air and pretending to play the drums with them. Sam and Morris say goodbye, they have an early start tomorrow to see family. Harlow is starting to get tired and asks me to read her a story, I ask Dex if it’s alright if I go read her a book in my room, he says it’s fine. Once we’re in my room, she asks me questions about what everything is and why I have it. After ten minutes of questions, she says she is too tired for a story and she just wants me to sing her a song to go to sleep, I try and think of a song that is suitable for a little kid.

  “What is your favourite song?” I ask hoping its twinkle twinkle little star or something like that.

  “How to Build a Snowman.”

  “I will look it up and you can teach me.” I look up the song and it’s from a movie called Frozen. I make sure I find a version with lyrics, I start to play the song and we sing along, she even does the tongue clicking part. I must say, it is adorable. What the hell is wrong with me, liking kids, saying words like adorable; I’m way in over my head, with no life jacket. Once the song is over, I realise Dex is standing at the door watching us.

  “You just got sucked in the world of Frozen, and that song will ruin you.” He says.

  “It’s kind of catchy.” I say.

  “You have not watched the movie twenty billion times, on repeat.”

  “Daddy, sing for me please.” Harlow says.

  “How about we go back to Auntie Winnies and I will sing you a song?”

  “No!” She demands, “Now please, I’m sleepy.”

  Dex hesitates for a moment and looks at her and says, “Okay, but then we have to go so Santa will come to you tonight.”

  “Can’t Santa just come here? I like it here.”

  “You better go home, Jash is a naughty boy, and Santa might not stop here.” I try to explain.

  She thinks for a minute and says; “Naughty boys get coal,” and that makes me laugh.

  Dex picks her up and she lays in his arms; you can tell this is something they do regularly because it is effortless, and he starts singing, Isn’t She Lovely by Steve Wonder. It’s almost enough to make my eyes leak, and I try to distract myself by playing with my music heart pendant; the last gift my father gave me. I still wear it now after all these years, holding out hope that where ever my parents are, they still think of me occasionally, and I meant something to them once upon a time. Ty walks in and puts his arm around me. “Everything alright, sis?” He says softly, so he doesn’t interrupt Dex.

  “Yeah, I think I might want to find my parents.”

  “That’s huge.” He says.

  “I need answers, they screwed me up big time, and I deserve to know why.”

  “I will support you no matter what; you know that. And if you need anything, I’m here.” He says, pulling me in closer to his side.

  “Have I told you recently I love you?” I say.

  “I love you too,” he says back, kissing the side of my head and walking away.

  Dex finishes the song and Harlow is fast asleep in his arms.

  “Thank you for bringing her tonight, she is something special.”

  “I better get her home,” he says.

  Ty and I help him take all their presents to the car; it’s weird seeing Dex without his bike. Ty heads off after Dex, but tells me he will be over tomorrow so we can go to the cemetery together. When I head back inside, Jash is also about to head out. He has a late night booty call, and that was more than enough information.

  I totally forgot Oliver was still here, I find him in the kitchen doing the dishes. “You didn’t have to do that.” I say.

  “It’s fine, Lizzy made me do it,” he laughs, “she can be scary when she wants to, just like our mother.” I help him tidy up and thank him again for the present. I can’t wait to go see Black Diamond.

  Once everything is tidy, Lizzy and Joe make an appearance and look like things got a bit hot and heavy. Lizzy and Joe say their goodbyes; and Oliver tells me he will call me.

  Joe and I sit up and talk for a bit and I ask what his plans are for tomorrow. He says nothing, his family doesn’t do Christmas. I invite him to come with Ty and I to the cemetery tomorrow, as he is part of our family now. He asks about Ty’s mom, but I tell him that is Ty’s story to tell. I do however share with him my story, and it’s good to let him in. Maybe it’s not time that heals all wounds, but having people in your life that see your scars and accept they’re a part of who you are.

&nbs
p; Looking at the clock I see it’s an hour until closing, and it can’t come soon enough. Big Moe only opened for a half day for customers who had pre booked, the sucky thing about having a few days off over Christmas is finding the motivation to get back to work - that and the fact I drank so much my brain is sluggish. Jash is being blamed for his hair of the dog remedy, and really how reliable is curing a hangover by just drinking again - that is all well and good when you don’t have to work. Ty invited me to go to Paulie’s tonight, it’s his friend Tommy’s birthday. He says Tommy is the only one of his friends I don’t really know yet, and everyone will be there. Oh, did I mention it’s a damn dress up party at a pub? Yep, just a bit embarrassing, but it’s a good excuse to wear my new clothes Dex gave me for Christmas.