Surrendered Hearts

by Carrie Turansky

  But if that was true, why didn’t he call or come by? What was keeping him away? Maybe she’d just imagined it because of her growing feelings for him.

  She pushed open the front door and stepped inside. Her steps slowed as she looked at the mural on the wall opposite the entrance. Memories of the time she spent with Bill planning the project filtered through her mind and warmed her heart.

  Clutching the brownie container, she surveyed the room looking for Bill, but she didn’t see him among the dozen or so children and adults scattered around enjoying the interactive exhibits. She glanced into the quiet auditorium but he wasn’t there either.

  Mandy and Troy walked into the room and spotted her. Mandy waved. “Hey, Jenn. Are you looking for Wes?”

  Jenn’s face warmed as she crossed toward them. “No, actually, I’m looking for Bill. Is he around?”

  Troy nodded and pointed over his shoulder. “He’s in the office. But I’ll warn you, he’s not in the best mood.”

  She thanked them and slipped down the hall, her stomach doing a nervous dance. She’d rarely seen Bill in a bad mood. What could be bothering him?

  Bill’s office door stood halfway open. She peeked in and saw him sitting at his desk, focusing on his computer.

  She swallowed and knocked on the doorjamb.

  He looked up. Surprise flashed in his eyes. “Jenn.”

  “Hi. I thought I’d stop by and bring you some brownies.” She forced a smile and held out the container. Suddenly, her knees felt like limp noodles, and she wasn’t sure how she would make them work.

  “Wow, Thanks. That’s nice.” But his kind words didn’t match his troubled expression.

  Her face flamed as she crossed the room and set the container on his desk. He obviously wasn’t happy to see her. When was she going to get the point and stop making a fool of herself?

  He shifted in his chair. “Do you want to sit down?”

  “Okay. Thanks.” She took a seat facing the desk and tried to calm her jittery nerves. “So, did you see the article in the paper on Friday?”

  A slight smile lifted one side of his mouth. “Yeah, that was amazing. They gave you most of the page and used all those photos.”

  Her tense muscles relaxed a little, and she returned his smile. “The gallery phone has been ringing off the hook. A lot of people are coming in and placing special orders. One lady even brought in an antique trunk she wants me to refinish and paint to match the colors scheme in her bedroom.”

  “Wow, all that from the article?”

  She nodded. “Lauren’s happy. Sales are twice what they were last week. We stayed up late last night talking about it.” A tremor passed through her as she lifted her gaze and focused on him. “I was planning to go back to Oregon after the wedding, but . . . now I’m thinking about staying.”

  His eyes widened and flickered. “Really?”

  “Yes.” She studied his face, hope rising in her heart.

  But the light in his eyes dimmed, and his cautious expression returned. “You’re staying so you can work with Lauren?”

  “Yes. She said I can cut my hours in the gallery after she gets back from their honeymoon. That’ll give me more time to paint and work on those special orders. Maybe I can even develop it into my own business.”

  He leaned back in his chair and narrowed his eyes. “So you’re going to give up acting?”

  His question threw her for a moment. “Well . . . I’m not sure. I might go back to it someday.” Memories of the costumes she’d worn at the dinner theater flashed through her mind. How could she feel comfortable on stage knowing people were staring at her scars?

  “So you’ll stay at Long Meadow with Lauren and Wes?”

  “Until I save up enough for my own place.”

  He watched her with a neutral expression that didn’t give a hint at his feelings.

  “So . . . what do you think of the idea?”

  He glanced off toward the window. “Why are you asking me?”

  “Well, I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision. I was hoping you might help me think it through.”

  He crossed his arms and studied her again. “Okay, why wouldn’t you want to stay?”

  She bit her thumbnail, pondering his question. “I guess I feel guilty for not using my training as an actress. I spent a lot of money getting my degree and taking voice and dance lessons all those years.

  “But then I think of how I feel when I’m painting, and I remember how peoples’ faces light up when they look at my work.” She fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “But what if all this interest in my painting dies down in a few days, and I never sell another piece?’

  He leaned forward and rested his arms on the desk. “You have a special talent, Jenn. That’s a gift from God. It may take some time to build your reputation, but if you get your work out there, I’m sure people are going to buy it. You can do this if you want to.”

  Her confidence rose as she listened, but then her doubts came flooding back. “But what if I’m a total flop? I can’t sponge off Lauren and Wes forever.”

  He drummed his fingers on the desk for a moment and then looked across at her. “You want to know what I really think?”

  “Yes.” She held her breath, hoping he’d say he wanted her to stay, not just so she could paint and start her own business, but because he cared about her and wanted to see where their relationship would go.

  He gave her a confident nod. “Whenever I have a tough decision to make, the first thing I do is pray. After that, I talk to people I trust and get their opinions and advice. Then I pray some more and ask God to show me the answer and make it so clear I can’t miss it.”

  Jenn stared at him. That was all he had to say? He’d pray about it? Didn’t he care if she stayed? Didn’t he even have an opinion? She lowered her gaze to the floor, fighting back a rising flood of emotion.

  She rose from the chair on trembling legs. “Thanks for the advice.” She almost choked on the words, but she got them out, then spun away and strode out the door.

  * * * *

  Frustration churned Bill’s stomach as he watched Jenn flee his office and disappear down the hall.

  He’d obviously upset her again. It must have been his comments about praying for direction.

  Closing his eyes, he sighed and ran his hand down his face. What was he supposed to say? She asked him what he would do, and he told her the truth. He’d never make an important decision like that without praying and waiting on the Lord. He wasn’t going to lie to her, no matter how much she didn’t want to hear it.

  Recalling the stricken look on her face, he groaned and sank lower in his chair. It didn’t matter if it was the truth. His timing was off—again! He’d spouted off an answer rather than praying and thinking through what was best for Jenn.

  Maybe he’d call her later. But he quickly dismissed that idea. What was the point? The huge gulf separating them seemed to be getting wider every time they talked about anything more significant than the weather.

  He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Father, I know You love Jenn even more than I do. You understand what’s going on in her heart, and You know how to reach her. She needs you, Lord. Show me what you want me to do. There’s got to be some way I can help her. Whatever it is, Lord, I’m willing.

  He waited quietly, listening for some message or impression to settle in his heart. But the only sound he heard was the wind in the trees. Seconds ticked by as he stared out the window into the forest.

  If he had no new direction, then he needed to hold on to the last answer he’d received: wait, pray, and give God time to work. Stay out of it. Nothing had changed. Her visit today had only made him more painfully aware of how much he missed her.

  He glanced at the brownie container, and his shoulders sagged. She’d baked him a special treat, and he hadn’t even looked inside or properly thanked her. She must think he was an ungrateful clod.

  He pulled off the lid, and the luscious scent of ch
ocolate filled the air. His mouth watered. He picked up a dark-brown, nut-studded brownie and found they were still soft and warm. He took a bite, leaned back in his chair and let the rich chocolate melt on his tongue. If her painting career didn’t take off, she could definitely bake brownies for a living. He would be her best customer.

  The phone on Bill’s desk rang. He wiped his hand on his pants and picked it up. “Wild River Nature Center.”

  “Bill dear, is that you?”

  “Hey, Mom.” His shoulders tensed. His parents didn’t usually call him at work. “Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, Dad’s a little under the weather with a cold, but other than that, we’re all right.”

  “Sorry he’s sick. Tell him I’ll be praying for him.” Bill took a second brownie from the container. “So what’s up?”

  “I just had a call from Arleta Wilkins. Her nephew Steve works at Hawk Mountain.”

  “At the nature center?” Memories flooded back, making him smile. He’d seen his first eagle on Hawk Mountain when he was eight. He learned how to handle a canoe there, track animals, and mark a trail. The summer he turned sixteen he volunteered and had his first taste of teaching others about the wonder of God’s creation.

  His mother’s voice broke through his memories. “The director of the nature center is retiring soon. They’ll be looking for someone to replace him.”

  Bill sat up. “Are you sure about that?”

  “I guess it’s all still hush, hush. But Steve said it’s probably not too soon to send a résumé.”

  Bill glanced around his office. Should he apply? What about his work here? He’d invested almost four years building the programs at Wild River. He had a dedicated staff and good group of volunteers. Under his guidance they’d won the Silver Eagle award for excellence in environmental education. He was proud of those accomplishments. Besides his job he had a great church and good friends. Immediately, Jenn’s face flashed across his mind. “Thanks for the heads up, Mom. But I don’t—”

  “Please, Bill. Just think about it. It would be wonderful to have you back in North Carolina. It’s been months since you’ve been home.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know. I’m sorry. Spring and summer are always a busy time around here.”

  “I hope you’re planning to come home for the holidays. It wasn’t the same without you last year.”

  His mom really knew how to heap on the guilt. “I’ll be there for Thanksgiving. But I’m not sure about Christmas. I haven’t worked on the schedule for December yet.”

  “If you took that position at Hawk Mountain you could come home anytime you like. Why don’t you just call and talk to the people up there?”

  He rubbed his jaw, trying to come up with an answer. But he knew she wouldn’t be satisfied until he agreed to make the call.

  “I know you love Vermont,” his mom continued, “but the Hawk Mountain center is twice the size of Wild River. The salary is probably higher, plus you’d be closer to family . . . and there’s no price you can put on that.”

  “It sounds great, Mom. And you know I love you and Dad, but I’m settled here. I own a house, and I’m involved at my church.”

  “But you’re dad and I miss you, and we’re not going to be around forever, you know.”

  He held back a chuckle. “You’re not exactly on your deathbeds yet.”

  His mother gasped. “Of course not. I didn’t mean that. I just wish you lived nearby so we could see you more often.” She waited for his reply and then sighed. “Okay. I guess I better go fix your dad some lunch. You take care, honey. And let me know what they say when you call up to Hawk Mountain.”

  He grinned and shook his head as he told his mom good-by. She never gave up. Tilting back in his chair, his thoughts drifted back to Jenn.

  He’d tried his best to stay away from her, but in a small town with common friends and activities, it was more difficult than he expected. Whether he was with her or not, he still cared, much more than he should if there was no future for them.

  He released a weary sigh, recalling the night Wes had told him to back off and stop pursuing Jenn. He’d known the truth then. He couldn’t just walk away and forget about her. He’d have to leave the state before that would happen.

  That thought made him sit up straight.

  Leave Vermont? Was that the answer? Could the opening at Hawk Mountain be a sign that God wanted him to let Jenn go and move on? He clamped his jaw against the pain twisting through him. That couldn’t be right. Surely, God didn’t expect him to give up Jenn and everything he had here, did He?

  He closed his eyes, pushing those thoughts away. He didn’t have to decide right now. His best friend was getting married in a few days. He needed to focus on helping Wes and Lauren. But he would have to face this issue soon. Was he willing to go if God called him back to North Carolina?

  Chapter Twenty

  Soft organ music floated toward Jenn as she entered the church foyer. Her long blue dress swished against her legs, and the scent of roses from her bouquet drifted in the air around her.

  Three last minute wedding guests slipped past and entered the sanctuary through the side door. Jenn glanced at Julia and Lauren. Their faces glowed and their eyes sparkled. They looked as lovely as any models she’d seen in the bridal magazines she’d scanned in the last few weeks.

  If only she felt as confident and radiant.

  A tremor passed through her as she approached the main doors to the sanctuary. She hated being the first one to walk down the aisle, and knowing Bill stood up front next to her brother would make it even harder.

  He had remained distant even after she visited him at the nature center. Telling him she wanted to stay in Vermont didn’t seem to make any difference to him. Last night, during the wedding rehearsal and dinner afterward, he’d barely acknowledged her.

  She silently scolded herself. This was no time to worry about seeing Bill. She was here today for Wes and Lauren. She just wouldn’t look at him. That was the only way she’d make it through this ceremony without doing something awful and embarrassing herself, like breaking down in tears.

  Clutching her bouquet, she turned to Julia. “Promise me you won’t wait too long.”

  Julia smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right behind you.”

  Marie Shelton, pastor Dan’s wife, leaned toward Jenn. “Are you ready, dear?”

  Jenn nodded though her knees felt weak and wobbly.

  “All right then. Listen for the music, then take it nice and slow, just like we practiced last night.” Marie gave Jenn a confident nod and opened the double doors.

  The sight of the crowded sanctuary sent a shiver racing down her back. She lifted her chin and looked straight ahead, trying to quiet her dancing stomach. The organist transitioned into the processional, and she stepped through the doorway.

  All eyes turned toward her. She swallowed and focused on her brother standing at the front of the church. He looked incredibly handsome in his black tux with a single white rose pined on his lapel. Smiling, he encouraged her forward with his eyes.

  Forcing a stiff smile in return, she began her long journey down the aisle. Wes deserved to be happy today. And she would do whatever it took to make that happen, even though she felt like a bug under a microscope with 135 pairs of eyes staring at her.

  A few seconds later, Wes broke eye contact and looked past her shoulder. Julia must have made her entrance because everyone turned toward the back of the church.

  Jenn blew out a shaky breath, reminding herself to stay focused on Wes. But her gaze drifted to the right and connected with Bill’s.

  A look of awe and tenderness filled his expression as he watched her approach.

  Jenn blinked and checked once more. Was he simply moved by the emotion of the moment, or did his reaction reveal something deeper? She glanced away, fearful he would see her response, and read her thoughts.

  She finally reached the front of the church, but before she took her place
she cast one more glance at Bill. His gaze remained on her even though Julia followed a few steps behind and Toby fidgeted right in front of him.

  Jenn turned and faced the guests, her mind spinning with confusion. Julia took her place beside her, and the first notes of the bridal processional rang out.

  Tilley stood and the other guests rose to their feet. Cameras flashed and everyone turned to catch a glimpse of Lauren as she floated down the aisle, her face alight with love, her eyes fixed on Wes.

  Adoration glowed on Wes’s face as he took Lauren’s hand and together they turned to face Pastor Dan.

  Jenn’s throat burned. She tried to hold back her tears, but a few spilled over and ran down her cheeks. Wes and Lauren looked so happy, so in love. And she knew it was true. She’d watched them closely over the last few weeks. Even during the hectic days leading up to the wedding the love and respect they showed each other amazed her.

  Would she ever experience a love like that, one that connected her heart-to-heart with a man who would be committed to her for life? She closed her eyes to keep from looking at Bill again.

  Pastor Dan’s warm, steady voice welcomed everyone and then led them in prayer. Jenn listened carefully as he read two Bible passages about love.

  His comments were personal and meaningful, and sincerity shone in his eyes as he spoke. “The type of love and commitment Wes and Lauren share is rare in our world today. They are promising to serve one another and honor one another above themselves, to put the other’s interests above their own, and to always seek the highest and best for each other. That kind of love takes humility and sacrifice.” His gaze traveled around the room, giving everyone time to consider his words. “And that is at the heart of the promises they make today.”

  Jenn looked down at her bouquet. Had she loved Phillip like that? Did she even know what it meant to place someone else’s desires and plans above her own? What about sacrifice and service? She’d never really thought of love like that before.

  The commitment Pastor Dan talked about was not a fifty-fifty arrangement where each one waited for the other to do his or her part. He spoke of a total commitment motivated by unconditional love that gave one hundred percent without waiting to see what the other person would give.