A Rocker and a Hard Place

by Keane, Hunter J.

  “That’s impossible,” I said, completely biased. But I could understand another man being hesitant to take on a woman with a ten-year-old. “Hey, I just remembered- I have a present for you in my car.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Wait here.”

  Emma was in the living room with T.J. when I returned. Her face betrayed no clues as to what the call might have been about.

  “Is that a guitar?” T.J. asked, eyeing the case I was holding.

  I held it up. “Yeah. It was just lying around my house and I remembered that your mom mentioned you wanted to learn how to play.”

  “Awesome!”

  “I tuned it up. It might be a little big for you, but you’ll grow into it.”

  The guitar had been my first one and I hadn’t been much older than T.J. when Emma taught me how to play it. It seemed fitting that it should belong to our son.

  I got T.J. settled on the couch and placed it in his lap. He ran his hands over the strings, eyes full of wonder.

  “That’s an amazing gift, Tyler,” Emma said.

  She remembered the guitar, knew how much it meant to me.

  “It was just sitting around collecting dust. It should be played.” I helped T.J. hold it the proper way and showed him how to strum the chords.

  “Do you know how to play?” T.J. asked.

  “I sure do.” I looked at Emma. “Your mom taught me when I saw just a little older than you.”

  “Really?” The surprise with which he looked at Emma told me that she had never played in front of him. That made me sad.

  It bothered Emma, too, and she left the room.

  T.J. detected something was wrong. “Why haven’t you been around in the past? If you used to be friends with my mom, why haven’t you ever come around?”

  “I don’t live in town anymore.” I couldn’t look away from his unwavering stare. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen your mom.”

  “I think she likes having you around,” T.J. admitted, turning his attention back to the guitar. “She’s been smiling a lot more lately. And I think she’s been avoiding Connor’s calls.”

  “You’re pretty nosy for a ten-year-old,” I said, smiling.

  T.J. strummed the strings loudly several times. “I want my mom to be happy. Connor doesn’t make her happy.” He stopped playing again and looked at me. “You make her happy.”

  “I don’t know if that’s true, T.J.” I thought about how less than 24 hours ago we had been sitting in this room with her crying her eyes out.

  “I’ve gotta go. It’s starting to get dark which means it is prime capture the flag time.”

  I helped T.J. put the guitar back in its case. When we were done, T.J. said, “I love the guitar. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” I was still kneeling next to where he stood and he turned and threw his arms around me.

  It stunned me, almost as much as my body’s natural response to hug him back.

  T.J. broke away, anxious to find his friends. I was frozen in that spot, still astounded that I had just hugged my son for the first time.

  “You’re a natural,” Emma said.

  I hadn’t even heard her enter the room. She expected me to say something back, but I was speechless.

  “Ty, are you okay?” Her hand touched my shoulder.

  “I’m a father.” Would that ever stop sounding so strange?

  Emma’s hand squeezed my shoulder. “He likes you. I haven’t seen him that comfortable with anyone since my father.”

  Feeling finally started to return to my extremities and I managed to stand. “I love him already.”

  “Good. Now you know how I feel.” Emma took my hand and tugged. “Come outside with me.”

  From her front porch, we could see the kids running around the neighborhood. We settled on her porch swing and watched them play. It occurred to me that this was the life I had run so determinedly from, and now that I was in the midst of it, there was nowhere I would rather be.

  “How’s Connor?” I asked, unable to keep my nose out of Emma’s private life.

  “He’s good. He has been traveling for work, but he’ll be back in town tomorrow.” Emma pulled her feet up and hugged her legs to her chest.

  “Does he know about me?”

  She tensed almost imperceptibly. “He does.”

  “I take it he’s not a fan?”

  At this, she laughed. “Actually, he’s a big fan of your music. But he’s not really excited about the idea of us spending so much time together.”

  “Emma, these last few days have been… confusing. I don’t know if I’ve ever been angrier or happier or more lost. But for the first time in a really long time, I feel alive again.” She had told me her history, everything that had shaped her in the last ten years. But I hadn’t told her anything about my own story.

  “Sounds like you’ve gotten the hang of this parenting thing,” she said. “You’re not getting cold feet? Because you’re about ten years too late for that.”

  “No cold feet,” I said. “I just want don’t to screw this up. I want to be the kind of dad that T.J. deserves.”

  “What makes you think you’re going to screw this up?”

  I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. “I screw up everything, Emma. It’s the only thing I’m good at these days.”

  “I don’t believe that.” Emma looked at me and I knew she wasn’t seeing the broken man that I had become; she saw the hopeful boy I had once been. That was Emma- always seeing the best in me. “You’re a better man than you know.”

  “How can you say that after everything?”

  “Because you’re here right now. You found out the truth about me and T.J., and you didn’t run away. You could have. A lot of men would have. But you didn’t.”

  “That doesn’t change the fact that I left you a long time ago. If I would have done things right then, your life would be entirely different now.”

  T.J. spotted us on the porch and he waved furiously as he ran past.

  “But then I wouldn’t have T.J.” Emma shook her head. “My life would be nothing without him in it.”

  I watched our son jump over a bush, laughing and teasing his friends. His joy was infectious. “I think I know how you feel, Em.”

  “Good. The next time he gets sick and is projectile vomiting, you’ll be the first one I call.” She was teasing, but only just a little. Because what she said was also true.

  “I’d prefer it if you didn’t have to call me at all. I’d prefer it if it could always be like this, with the three of us together.” I had no idea those words were going to come out of my mouth but once they did, I didn’t regret them.

  “Tyler.” Emma’s lips pressed into a firm, thin line. It was a face I recognized well.

  I held up a hand to stop the argument I knew was coming. “I know. You’ve got a life here that doesn’t include me. I respect that. I’m not going to say I’m happy about it because I’m not, but if you’re happy, then that’s all that matters.”

  “You mean Connor?”

  “Connor and whatever else is going on in your life that doesn’t include me. You’re entitled to have your own life, Emma. I just want to be a small part of it.”

  “You’re already more than a small part of it.”

  I thought she was talking about T.J., but she got to her feet. She padded inside and returned a moment later, holding yet another book.

  “Another baby book?” I guessed.

  “Not exactly.” She looked down at the leather-bound book and ran her finger over the cover. “You asked if I had planned to tell T.J. about you. Honestly, I thought about that moment from the second he was born. And while I never knew exactly when it would happen, I always knew what I wanted to tell him, what I wanted him to know about you and about us.”

  She handed me the book and I saw that it was titled, The Story of Us.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Emma

  T.J. couldn’t stop playing his new g
uitar. He played it until his little fingers were raw and bloody. Even then, he kept playing. He only stopped when I made him, to eat or to go to bed. Then he did nothing but talk about Tyler. Two days passed without Tyler stopping by and I thought T.J. would run out of things to say, but somehow he didn’t.

  “Can Tyler come over for dinner again?”

  I had convinced T.J. to set aside the guitar long enough to accompany me to the grocery store. He hadn’t exactly come willingly so he’d been spending most of his time pouting.

  “Connor is coming over tonight. We’re having dinner with him.”

  T.J. groaned. “Why?”

  “Because I like Connor. He’s an important person in my life and I haven’t seen him in a while.” I threw a box of cereal in the cart. “He’s excited to see you, too.”

  “Yeah, right,” T.J. muttered. “He’s only nice to me because he wants to sleep with you.”

  “What did you say?” I grabbed his arm and whirled him around. “Where did you learn that?”

  T.J. shrugged. “Television.”

  “I have got to figure out how to set up the parental controls.”

  “I’ll show you.” T.J. grinned.

  I tussled his hair. “How did I get such a smart alec for a kid?”

  “You’re just lucky.”

  I pulled him in for a quick hug. “Darn straight. Now go get us some milk.”

  Later, after I put our groceries in the truck bed, I looked around for T.J. He had pushed the cart back inside and was on his way back to me, but something had distracted him.

  “Look, Mom!” T.J. waved excitedly. “It’s Tyler!”

  Of course.

  I waved, trying to seem friendly without also being inviting. I failed.

  Tyler followed T.J. back to the truck. “I haven’t seen you around the shop the past couple of days.”

  He’d been looking for me.

  “I was only in during the mornings.” I had taken the afternoons off to spend time with T.J. He would be leaving for camp soon and I wanted us to have some time together.

  “I wish I would’ve know that. It would’ve saved me a couple of trips.” Tyler smiled and I tried not to think about how good he looked.

  T.J. saw an opening. “If you want to see Mom, you should come over for dinner tonight.”

  “T.J.,” I hissed his name.

  “What?” He feigned innocence. “We just bought all this food for dinner. You have a friend coming over, so why can’t I?”

  “Hey, that’s alright.” Tyler could tell I wasn’t happy. “I’ve got big dinner plans myself.”

  “Oh, do you?” I smiled, appreciative that he was trying to let me out of an awkward situation.

  “Definitely.” He winked at me. “I’ve got the pizza delivery guy on speed dial.”

  T.J. turned to me. “Come on, Mom. That pizza sucks.”

  “Hey, watch your language.”

  T.J. and Tyler were both grinning- identical, toothy smiles. They both knew exactly what card to play. “Fine. Tyler, would you like to come to dinner?”

  “That sounds wonderful.” Tyler held out his hand and T.J. slapped it. “Well played, mate.”

  “This was a conspiracy!” I said. I should’ve known that they had planned to tag-team me. “No fair.”

  “Buck up, blondie.” Tyler started backing away. “I’ll bring a pie.”

  I called after him, “Seven o’clock. Don’t be late!”

  T.J. was in a much better mood when we got home. Now that Tyler would be coming over, he followed me around the house talking incessantly.

  “Do you think Tyler will show me how to play an entire song?” T.J. took the stack of plates I handed him.

  “Probably.” I tried to listen to him, but my mind was distracted by the fact that Connor and Tyler would be in the same room this evening. “You’ll have to ask him. Now, take those into the dining room.”

  T.J. hurried away and reappeared in seconds. “Danny Little says that Tyler is a famous musician. Is that true?”

  “Danny Little is three years older than you. What are you doing hanging out with him?” I started peeling the carrots, taking out my nervous energy on the helpless vegetables.

  “He was at the picnic. Anyway, is it true?”

  I handed him the silverware. “Yes, it’s true. Go.”

  Now it was time to chop the potatoes. Each hack was delightfully satisfying.

  “I bet Connor won’t be happy that Tyler is coming,” T.J. said, back at my elbow.

  There was a knock at the door and I was grateful for the interruption.

  “I’ve got it!” T.J. was off in a flash. I could tell from his cheerful greeting that our guest wasn’t Connor.

  “I come bearing freshly baked pie,” Tyler said, proudly holding up the baked good.

  “You baked?” I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

  Tyler pretended to be offended. “Why is that so surprising? Are you implying that I can’t do something as simple as bake an apple pie from scratch?”

  “You’re forgetting that I know you.”

  “Fair enough.” He set the pie on the counter. “Glenn’s wife may have helped.”

  “By helped, do you mean that she baked it for you?”

  Tyler grinned and nodded.

  “How do you manage to charm everyone?” I shook my head, disbelieving. “I can’t even get T.J. to clean his room and you got my neighbor, whom you just met, to bake you a pie.”

  “It’s my sparkling personality,” he said.

  “No, it’s that ridiculous smile of yours.” I handed him a platter of steaks. “Make yourself useful and get busy on the grill.”

  T.J. jumped up and down. “I’ll help! Let’s go.”

  I watched him grab Tyler’s hand- something I had pictured a million times in my head- and it took my breath away.

  “Slow down, speedster.” Tyler let himself be dragged out the back door.

  While I finished chopping the vegetables, I listened to them joke and laugh. It felt so natural, the house felt so complete, that I was surprised to hear the front door open.

  “Emma?”

  “In the kitchen.” I dropped the knife with a clatter. How had I forgotten that Connor was coming?

  He smiled broadly when he entered the room and I felt even worse. “Hey, pretty lady.”

  “Connor.” I tried to return his smile. “I’m glad you could make it for dinner.”

  “Of course. I’ve never turned down a dinner invitation from a beautiful woman.” Connor crossed the room in three long strides. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” I said, trying to sound like I meant it. The truth was, I’d been so distracted by Tyler, I hadn’t had much of a chance to miss Connor. “You look good.”

  He did. He looked very good, in fact. His blond hair was freshly cut and his blue button down fit him perfectly.

  “You look amazing.” He reached for me, long arms circling my waist. “Where’s T.J.?”

  “Outside.”

  Connor leaned in for a kiss and I began to remember how attracted I was to him. My body responded reflexively, though my heart wasn’t sold.

  “Does he have a friend out there?” Connor asked, pulling back at the sound of loud laughter.

  “Hm?” For just a second, I had forgotten about Tyler. I had managed to forget that my current boyfriend was about to meet my ex-boyfriend, and the father of my child.

  “Hey, Em, I need a clean plate for the steaks.” Tyler appeared in the doorway, catching us in our embrace. “Oh.”

  Connor’s face tensed considerably and he looked at me in confusion.

  “Well. This is going to be fun,” I said, mostly to myself. “Connor, Tyler is joining us for dinner. Tyler, this is Connor.”

  The two men stared at each other, neither one pretending that they were happy with the situation. T.J. ran in behind Tyler, blissfully ignorant.

  “Tyler burnt one of the steaks!” He laughed gleefully. “My steak turne
d out perfect.”

  “Here.” I handed Tyler a clean plate and he took it from me without making eye contact. He was still carefully appraising Connor.

  I turned back to the chopping board and added the vegetables to the large pan. “I still need a few minutes. Can the two of you keep an eye on the steaks until we’re done in here?”

  “Sure.” Tyler understood the implied hint. I needed some time alone with Connor. “Come on, T.J. Let’s give your mom some space.”

  Connor waited until the door closed behind them and said, “Thanks for the heads up.”

  “I’m sorry.” I faced him grimly. “We ran into him at the store and T.J. invited him. I couldn’t exactly tell him not to come.”

  “Yes, you could have. You don’t owe him anything, Emma. He’s just an old flame that fizzled out a long time ago.” Connor looked at me for confirmation. “Or has something changed?”

  “No.” I repeated myself. “No, nothing has changed.”

  “Then why is he here?”

  Connor and I had been dating for six months. We had met at a charity event in Morgan and I had fallen for him right away. He was polite, kind, smart, and treated me better than anyone had in a long time. So while it had only been six months, I felt like I owed it to him to tell him the truth.

  “Tyler is T.J.’s father,” I said, quickly adding, “But T.J. doesn’t know.”

  “His father?” To say that Connor was surprised was putting it very mildly. “Does Tyler know?”

  I nodded.

  Connor placed his hands on the counter, rocking slightly. “What does this mean for us, Emma?”

  “Nothing.” The word just came out, before I’d had a chance to really think about his question. “I don’t know. Tyler is going to be a part of my life now. Part of T.J.’s life.”

  “Do you still have feelings for him?”

  He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, like he already suspected the truth. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he needed to know the truth.

  “I don’t know.” That was the absolute truth.

  “You don’t know?” He threw up his hands, exasperated. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

  “You deserve a better answer than that. I know. But I can’t give you one right now.” I twisted a dish towel in my hands. “I don’t want to feel like this, confused about Tyler. I want to put him in my past and move on, but it’s not that simple.”