A Rocker and a Hard Place

by Keane, Hunter J.

  “Because of T.J.?” he looked at me, hurt in his eyes. “Or because you’re still in love with Tyler?”

  I didn’t answer him, but I didn’t have to. He could see the truth in my eyes.

  “I’m going to go.” The words caught in his throat. “I don’t belong here.”

  Tyler and T.J were laughing again outside, salt in Connor’s open wound. He grimaced and turned, walking away swiftly.

  I remained frozen as I watched him go. It hurt to breathe.

  “Connor, wait!”

  He stopped just as he was opening the front door. I ran to him and grabbed his arm.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.” I stopped, and started again. “You’re such a good guy, and you’ve been so amazing-”

  “Emma, I know. Look, I still care about you and I want more than anything for us to be together. But I need you to want that, too.” He pressed to fingers under my chin, lifting my head so that he could kiss me softly on the lips. “Take some time, figure out what you want. And I really hope that what you want is me.”

  I stayed in the doorway until his car turned the corner at the end of the road. He was out of sight, but not out of mind. Connor was one of the best men I had ever met, but I wasn’t convinced that he was the right man for me.

  Neither T.J. nor Tyler asked why Connor hadn’t stayed. They were too lost in their newfound camaraderie to care about my love life.

  I let them provide the entertainment over dinner. T.J. did most of the talking; Tyler kept stealing glances in my direction.

  “I’m getting really good at the guitar,” T.J. announced over dessert.

  “Oh, yeah?” Tyler’s face lit up.

  I hadn’t had much of an appetite all through dinner, but the pie could not be denied. Glenn’s wife really knew how to bake a pie.

  “Will you show me some chords later?”

  “Maybe.” Tyler glanced at me yet again. “I think your mom and I need to talk first.”

  “About what?”

  Tyler smiled faintly. “Grown up stuff.”

  “Like sex?”

  “T.J.! Seriously, what are you watching on television?” I didn’t know what bothered me more, his knowledge of adult activities or the fact that he was pretty close to being right.

  “It’s on the news, Mom,” T.J. explained diplomatically. “That Senator just got in trouble for it.”

  He was right. We couldn’t even watch the news now. “No more television. Read more books.”

  “I already finish three books in a week.” He smiled proudly. “Maybe if Tyler teaches me guitar lessons I won’t have as much time to watch television.”

  The boy had a point. “We’ll see. Go practice on your own and we’ll be there in a bit.”

  T.J. sulked on his way to the living room. He didn’t like being left out, and he liked giving up his new friend even less.

  “He’s gotten very attached to you,” I observed, not sure if that was a good thing.

  “I’m not going to leave.” Tyler sensed my unease. “I’m here for good. Well, mostly.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  It sure didn’t sound like he was planning on sticking around permanently. I could feel my Tyler-wall slowly going back up.

  “Don’t get all excited. I just have to go out to California for a few days to take care of some stuff.” Tyler was trying to make it sound like it was no big deal, but I could see that he was nervous.

  I got up from the table, pushing my chair back so hard it almost fell over. “Outside.”

  We went out onto the back deck and I waited for the door to shut before I said, “If you hurt T.J., I will never forgive you.”

  “Whoa. Slow down.” Tyler held up a hand in a halting gesture. “I’m not going to hurt him.”

  “You can’t come and go as you please. T.J. won’t understand that.” Not to mention that I would only be even more confused.

  “I promise, it’s just for a few days to take care of some things. And I’m not leaving for a while. In a week or so. I’ll try to time it so that I’m gone while he’s at camp.” Tyler slowly started to smile. “You’re a pretty scary momma bear.”

  “You hurt my kid and I will do more than hurt you,” I said, but I returned his smile.

  “Good.” Tyler’s eyes narrowed. “Why did the boyfriend take off?”

  “His name is Connor. And he wasn’t too pleased about you crashing our dinner plans.” I wasn’t sure if I should tell him the whole story. Chances were good that he had overheard everything anyway.

  Tyler didn’t look happy though. “You told him about me?”

  “I did. All of it.”

  “Do you trust him? That’s some pretty personal stuff you revealed. About both of us.” Tyler sounded peeved.

  “Of course I trust him. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me or T.J. He loves us.”

  Tyler flinched. “Do you love him?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  I flushed with anger. “I didn’t and I’m not going to. I don’t owe you anything.”

  “Actually, you do. You owe me the first ten years of my son’s life.” The words came out so harsh they physically stung.

  I snapped back as forcefully as if he had slapped me. “How long have you been holding that in?”

  “Too long.” Tyler took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Look, I’m sorry. I would love to tell you that I’m not still upset about all of this, but that would be a lie.”

  “Ditto.”

  “I’m just trying to figure out where I stand. With T.J. and with you.” Tyler rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I think we need to be completely honest with each other, and maybe even with ourselves, so we can move forward.”

  My voice sounded very small when I said, “I don’t want to get hurt again.”

  Guilt passed over his face. “I will do everything in my power to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

  It took several seconds for me to find the courage to say, “Connor asked me if I am still in love with you.”

  Tyler waited for me to continue, his face infuriatingly unreadable.

  “I told him I didn’t know.”

  “Is that true? Or is that just what you told him?”

  “Honestly, I really don’t know how I feel about you. When you walk into the room, part of me wants to hug you and the other part wants to punch you.”

  Tyler smirked. “Sounds like love to me.”

  “Not our love.” I shook my head. “When we were in love, everything was simple and clear. I wanted to be with you, always.”

  “You don’t still feel that way?”

  “I don’t.”

  Tyler’s smile grew heart-breakingly sad. “That’s too bad because I still feel that way about you.”

  Now the part of me that wanted to hug him was fighting hard. Very quietly, I said, “I think maybe I can get there again. I just need some time.”

  “I can give you time, if that’s what you need.” He reached out, fingers grazing my cheek. “But I’m not going to sit quietly by while you figure things out. I’m going to fight for you.”

  “Is that a threat?” I said, my skin tingling beneath his touch.

  He leaned closer and said firmly, “It’s a promise.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Tyler

  It had been an intense evening. Meeting Emma’s boyfriend, or rather catching them in an embrace, had been akin to having ice water thrown in my face. The talk later with Emma hadn’t helped matters.

  Everything had been fine until Emma had given me that book. Sure, I had been dealing with the news about T.J., but that at least had a definable result- a son. The Emma situation was much less defined.

  For the hundredth time, I opened the book she had handed me on her front porch, the one titled The Story of Us. There was no false advertisement. Emma had written down our entire story.

  She started from the beginn
ing, with recollections I couldn’t recall. We had sat next to each other in the first grade and I had let her use my crayons when she left hers at home. She told the story so vividly, I almost tricked myself into thinking I remembered it, too.

  By the time she got to my first memory, that day I started a fight for her, she had already filled a quarter of the book. Her attention to detail was astounding, and I knew without a doubt that she had poured her heart into the story knowing that one day our son would read it.

  When I got to the end, I choked up, as I did every time. I hated that the story ended before T.J. was even born. How could the story of his parents’ love end so abruptly? Then I realized that Emma hadn’t finished the story for good, she’d just given me the opportunity to give the story a happy ending.

  So hearing her confession that she might still have feelings for me had given me hope, and a plan. I hadn’t been willing to fight for her when we were younger. I had been too selfish, too naïve. I knew better now. Love was the one thing in life worth fighting for.

  Saturday rolled around, and I felt myself getting excited. T.J. had invited me to his baseball game and I was excited to do something so dad-like. It didn’t hurt that I would get to see Emma again, too.

  I got to the park early to watch the team warm-up. T.J. spotted me in the bleachers and came running over.

  “You made it!”

  “Of course I did. I said I would be here.”

  He ducked his head bashfully. “I thought you might forget.”

  “No way. This is the best invitation I’ve gotten in weeks.”

  He grinned and ran back to his team.

  Emma had been mingling with some parents at the other end of the bleachers, but she came over when she spotted me.

  “Care if I join you?”

  “Please.” I dusted off the seat next to me. “You can protect me from foul balls.”

  She sat next to me, keeping a couple of inches between us. “Some things never change. You always did have bad hand-eye coordination.”

  “Are you saying I’m not good with my hands? Because I’m pretty sure you used to think I did just fine in that department.”

  “Don’t be lewd.” Emma fought against a smile as she blushed.

  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but a ten-year-old’s baseball game isn’t quite the same as watching professional baseball. For one thing, they didn’t keep track of the score. They also made it through three inning before someone actually got a hit.

  “Are these games always so… uneventful?” T.J. was playing centerfield, or it would be more accurate to say he was standing in the outfield kicking at dandelions.

  “Yeah, this is pretty much the status quo.” Emma added, “At least no one is crying yet.”

  Almost on cue, a young girl sat down on second base and started bawling. None of the other parents seemed phased by it.

  “At least their uniforms look good,” Emma said, laughing.

  “Looks like my money went to good use.”

  The uniforms had started out in a sparkling shade of white, but not one of them remained unstained.

  “So… T.J. goes to camp on Monday. He’ll be gone for a couple of weeks.” Emma twisted her hands in her lap. “Are you planning to leave town soon?”

  “He’s not the only reason I’ve been sticking around.” I spread my legs wider until I brushed against hers. “Will you still let me come around when he’s gone?”

  Emma’s lips pressed together as she thought. “Actually, I think maybe you shouldn’t come by for a while.”

  “What?” My stomach turned.

  “That didn’t come out right. I just meant that maybe it would be nice for us to go out instead.”

  “I see. You’re tired of cooking me dinner,” I said. “Wait. Did you just ask me out on a date?”

  “No.” Emma’s mouth dropped open. “That’s a ridiculous interpretation of what I said.”

  “I don’t think it is. You said it would be nice for us to go out.” I shrugged. “I may not be great at dating, but I recognize a flirt when I see one.”

  Emma elbowed me hard in the ribs. “You’re the worst.”

  “You love a lost cause,” I said, bumping her back.

  “Then I guess I must really love myself.”

  I glanced at Emma, expecting to see a smile on her face, but she was looking off into the distance with a pained expression on her face.

  “Did you ever imagine us sitting here together like this?” I almost didn’t want to hear her answer.

  “Not in a very long time.” Emma blinked several times. “Right after T.J. was born, I used to picture us all together as a family. I would imagine us doing things together, like baseball games and school graduations. But that was a long time ago.”

  I remembered again how Emma’s story of us had ended so abruptly. “I used to picture us with a family. When we were still together, I really believed that we would get married someday and have kids,” I confessed.

  “Really?” Emma looked at me in surprise. “I had no idea you ever thought that far into the future.”

  “I couldn’t exactly tell you. That would have ruined my tough guy persona.” Even now it felt strange to admit something so personal to anyone, including Emma.

  “How many kids?” she asked.

  “Three. Two boys and one girl.” In my imagination, the boys looked like me and the girl was a spitting image of her mother. “The boys were supposed to be close in age. Guess I got that part wrong.”

  Emma played along. “We could always adopt.”

  “We should probably get busy working on that girl.” I winked and Emma laughed.

  “I’m good with just the one kid,” she said, looking at where T.J. was kicking the dirt. “For now.”

  During our conversation, the game had come to an anticlimactic close and the kids were lining up to shake hands. I was sad that my time with Emma was about to come to an end.

  “How about that date on Monday?”

  “Maybe.” She stood to greet T.J.

  “Maybe?”

  “I’m playing hard to get.”

  “You’re not supposed to tell me that.” I laughed.

  Emma shrugged. “I’ve never been good at playing the game. You know that.”

  “Mom! Tyler! Did you see when I almost got a hit?”

  T.J. ran over to the bleachers, covered in grass stains. It was remarkable considering that he’d had no legitimate reason to fall or slide.

  “You looked sharp out there, sport.” It occurred to me that I was saying things that I thought a father was supposed to say. It sounded abnormal in an actual conversation.

  “Mom! Can Tyler come with us?”

  “Where?”

  Emma explained, “We have a tradition of getting ice cream after every game. You’re welcome to come with us.”

  “That sounds wonderful.” How many celebratory ice cream trips had I missed over the years?

  As was the case with most things in town, the field was only a couple of blocks away from Hanson’s Dairy. T.J. walked between us.

  “You guys are being quiet,” he said, looking up at both of us.

  “We’re enjoying the walk,” Emma explained. “It’s okay to not talk all of the time.”

  T.J. ignored her hint. “Can we hang out with Tyler again tomorrow?”

  “We aren’t even done hanging out with him today. I’m sure Tyler has other things he would like to do than spend all of his time with us.” Emma looked to me for confirmation.

  “I can’t think of a single thing I’d rather do,” I said, meaning the words with all of my heart. “But I’d like to pick our outing for tomorrow, if that’s okay.”

  Emma’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

  “Like a surprise?” T.J.’s face lit up.

  “I don’t like surprises.” Emma’s face was the opposite of her son’s.

  I wondered if Emma was remembering the last surprise I gave her- T.J.
>
  “You’ll just have to trust me, Em.” I held open the door to the ice cream shop. “I promise it will be a good surprise.”

  “Hm.” Yet another skeptical look from her. She muttered, “Let’s just hope this one doesn’t give me stretch marks.”

  Oblivious, T.J. ran up to the counter.

  I grabbed Emma’s hand, holding her back. “I mean it, Emma. You need to learn how to trust me again.”

  “I’m trying.” She squeezed my hand, then pulled hers away. “To start, I’ll trust you to go place my ice cream order.”

  I could tell that she was testing me, trying to see if I would remember her favorite ice cream. I was happy to accept the challenge.

  “What are we thinking?” I asked T.J., standing next to him as he eyed the buckets of ice cream behind the glass.

  “Chocolate.” T.J. didn’t have to think twice.

  I remembered reading in his baby book that Emma had craved chocolate ice cream during her pregnancy and it made me smile.

  “What are you going to order?” he asked as two scoops were added to his cone.

  “The same.” I glanced over my shoulder to where Emma was waiting patiently for us in a booth by the window. “Hey, does your mom still love root beer floats?”

  “Yep. Those are her favorite.” T.J. took his cone, eyes wide. “How’d you know?”

  “I’ve known your mom for a long time.”

  “Did you know my dad?”

  My legs nearly buckled beneath me. The teenage boy behind the counter looked at me coldly while he waited for me to pay. Numbly, I reached for my wallet.

  “What do you know about your dad?” I asked, trying to avoid lying to my son.

  “Not much.” He shrugged. “Mom never talks about him. I just know that he’s not around. And talking about him makes Mom sad.”

  “Does it make you sad?” My hands shook slightly as I accepted my change.

  T.J. thought for a second. “Seeing her sad makes me sad.”

  “Me, too.”

  Emma was staring out the window, elbows on the table and chin resting in her hands. Lost in thought, she didn’t turn to us until T.J. slid into the seat across from her. The smile she gave him was the smile only given when a mother looks at her child.