If I Return

by Bennett, Sawyer

  “Damn... I can’t believe I’m getting ready to say this, but I’m actually jealous of your love life!”

  I slip on my diamond stud earrings and study myself in the mirror. I’m back in Audrey’s room, getting ready to go out to dinner with Jack. Even though I had packed all my clothes, I didn’t have anything nice enough to wear to dinner in the Five-Star restaurant that the Inn boasts. So I put myself at Audrey’s mercy and she has once again shined me up and dressed me in her sexiest, little black dress.

  “So, is that stuff normal? I mean... in a sexual relationship?”

  “Fuck no, it’s not normal, but it’s hot as hell. And you said he made you watch... in the mirror?”

  I didn’t think it was possible for my face to get any redder, but it must have because I felt like I was having a hot flash.

  “Is he a pervert or something?” I ask with dread.

  “No way. He’s just really, really good. I mean, really good. Does he have a brother?”

  I shake my head no. “Only child.”

  Turning around, I hold my arms out for Audrey to inspect my final appearance. She gives me a quick once over and then says, “You look great. But seriously... why are you even bothering to go out to dinner? You should shackle yourself to his bed for the next three nights.”

  “It’s not all about the sex, you know,” I tell her, a little miffed that she’s debasing something that is still special to me.

  My time with Jack has been perfect. After our debauchery in the bathroom yesterday, he wrapped me up in a fluffy robe and carried me to bed. We stayed there all day, talking and watching movies. We ordered in food and then watched some more movies.

  Even better... we made out. Like two teenagers, we just kissed and groped at each other. But before too long, he was inside of me again, driving me out of my mind with pleasure.

  Jack and I talked until the wee hours of the morning and then he made love to me so slowly, I thought I would just melt into nothingness it was so blissful.

  Today we went with the group to Biltmore. I was nervous because I wasn’t sure how he would act around me in public, but you would have thought we were dating by how attentive he was. We followed the group around on a tour, but we hung near the back of the crowd so he could whisper sometimes sweet, sometimes naughty, things in my ear. He held my hand the entire time and would often lean down to rub his nose along my neck.

  When we returned, he told me to get dressed in my fanciest dress because he was taking me to dinner at the restaurant Starlight. So that’s why I’ve been primping for the past two hours under Audrey’s direction.

  “Oh, honey,” Audrey says as she looks at me with sympathy. “Of course it’s all about the sex. This is a fling, remember.”

  I don’t respond because those words cause my stomach to clench. I know, in my head, that this is just what she said it is. A fling... an extended booty call. A way for both of us to have crazy monkey sex, and then go our separate ways with smiles on our faces.

  But I can’t help the fact that I’m starting to develop feelings for Jack. It has nothing to do with the multiple orgasms he’s given me. It has to do with the fact that he taught me how to make snow angels, he called me beautiful, and he talked with me for hours last night because he was truly interested in me. He asked question after question and, by the time I fell asleep in his arms, I realized he probably knew me better than most people did.

  I brush past Audrey and head into the bedroom. Grabbing my purse, I check it to make sure I have my ID and lip gloss. She follows me in and touches me lightly on the shoulder. “Do you have feelings for him?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I sit down on the edge of the bed to slip on my black heels, not feeling the need or desire to voice my thoughts out loud.

  “Hope... baby... if you have feelings for him, you should talk to him about it.”

  I look up at her as she stands before me. “And say what? I want to keep seeing you. Even though you live in Kentucky and I live in Florida. Besides... he mentioned that this was only for a defined period of time. This is just a fling for him, so what does it matter what I feel?”

  “Because he may feel the same thing. You don’t know for sure. And I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  A knock on the door prevents me from answering and I glance at the clock. He’s right on time.

  Standing from the bed, I assure her, “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

  She wraps me in a hug and squeezes me tight. “I love you, Hopey.”

  I tell her I love her too and step back from her embrace. Her face is swimming in sympathy for me, and I can tell she already thinks it’s a foregone conclusion that I’m going to get hurt. It puts me in a sad mood so I try to put on my best face as I open the door to let Jack in.

  “Do you want another bite?”

  I look at Jack sitting across the table from me as he holds out the last spoonful of crème brûlée. He’s so handsome and my senses go haywire when he looks at me like that... with care and desire.

  Shaking my head, I tell him, “I can’t. I’m stuffed and you’ll probably have to carry me out of here.”

  He brings the spoon to his mouth and licks the cream off in a way that makes my blood start to race. “I’d gladly carry you out of here, as long as it’s straight to my room.”

  My eyes lower shyly to the table because his overt attraction to me is still not something I’m used to. I wonder if he treats all women this way and I’m afraid I already know the answer to that question. It doesn’t stop me from delving though.

  “Do you date a lot back in Kentucky? Or are you a confirmed bachelor?” I wince inside, afraid of the answer that is coming.

  He gives me a slow smile, setting the spoon down and pushing the empty ramekin away. “I don’t have a lot of time to date with my work, but I’ve had a few relationships over the years.”

  “So... what’s the life of an army helicopter pilot like?”

  His eyes light up and, for the first time, I see that he loves his job. It’s more than just duty to him. “Every day is different but it’s a combination of keeping my pilot skills polished and managing the aviation crew. I could be stuck doing paperwork one day, and the next flying training missions. Sometimes, I’ll be asked to fly with a maintenance test pilot.”

  “You love it, I can tell.”

  “That I do but, again, the military is not my career choice. I’m actually anxious to get out and start college.”

  “Have you been to Afghanistan?”

  His face gets tense and I’m suddenly aware that could be a very invasive question. “No, not yet.”

  His tone tells me that it’s not a subject that is dear to his heart, but I can’t help the feelings I have for him. Now, I worry for his safety so I press forward, “Is there a chance you will go before you get out of the Army?”

  His brow crinkles inward and he takes a sip of his wine. After he sets the glass back down, he looks at me. “I leave in two weeks.”

  My heart plummets to my stomach. I’m suddenly filled with an overwhelming fear for his safety and an undeniable sense of sadness because I realize I’ve been harboring some hope that perhaps we could continue to see each other, even if it’s a long distance relationship.

  Movement from the corner of my eye catches my attention and I see our waiter has approached. Jack says, “Look... let’s talk about this later, okay?”

  I nod in agreement, afraid no words would come out any way. Jack turns to the waiter and takes the check, his eyes sad and distant for the first time since I’ve met him.

  I’m lying in Jack’s bed, wrapped in his arms. He’s breathing deeply, indicating a restful sleep. I, on the other hand, am restless and wired.

  We never did talk about the fact he’s heading off to war. When we got back to his room, he wordlessly undressed me and quickly brought me to the brink of insatiable need for him. I was begging for him and he finally gave me what I asked for. It was hard and fast, and when we were
finished, I was ready to fall into oblivious sleep. But he wasn’t finished with me. He just started kissing and touching me all over again. He gave me two more orgasms and then entered me again, this time going at a torturously slow pace. He whispered in my ear the entire time, telling me how good I felt, telling me that he was thankful he had met me. And once... he even said, “I’m going to miss this.”

  His words and attentiveness to me were so at odds with the way he reiterated that there would be nothing more between us three days from now. It hurt my heart, and after he came the second time, he drifted off into a deep and soundless sleep.

  Now I’m the one that is wide awake with my head spinning. I tell myself, over and over again, this is nothing more than a fling.

  My brain says to enjoy it while it lasts, because there is no future for Jack and me.

  My heart?

  Well... it tells my brain to shut the fuck up.

  I take another sip of my wine, trying to push it down past the lump in my throat. Today has been brutal and I want nothing more than to curl up in Audrey’s room and go to sleep.

  This morning was awful and it’s only getting worse.

  I woke up in an empty bed after finally having drifted off to sleep around four AM, which was the last time I had checked the bedside clock. When I opened my eyes, I noticed Jack sitting on a chair, fully dressed and watching me.

  “Hey,” I said, my words sleep filled.

  “Hey.”

  He stood up from the chair and walked over to his dresser. He grabbed his watch and latched it onto his wrist. “I’ve decided to go skiing with the group today. Hate to miss that snow.”

  Jack turned to look at me, and I saw a flash of guilt in his eyes. I didn’t fail to notice what was missing from that statement. He didn’t ask me to come, which meant he didn’t want me to come.

  “We’ll probably be out all day,” he continued, “and then we have the rehearsal dinner and Bachelor party, so I’m not sure if I’ll get to see you at all today.”

  I didn’t respond, just watched him. The guilt in his eyes increased. “It might be a good idea to take your stuff back to Audrey’s room... you know... in case, we don’t get a chance to see each other. So you can have your things.”

  His last words drifted off lamely, as they should.

  It appeared the fling had come to an end.

  Standing from the bed, I reached over to my pile of discarded clothes and started to pull them on.

  “Sure,” I told him. “No problem.”

  I glanced at Jack and saw that he was watching me get dressed. The guilty look was gone, and desire shone hot in his eyes. But he didn’t make a move toward me.

  I made short work of packing up my stuff and, when I was done, I walked past Jack toward the door. My chest seemed to be cramping with an unknown feeling and damn if I didn’t feel the prickle of tears in my eyes.

  Jack reached his hand out and touched my arm, causing me to look up at him. “Maybe I’ll see you later, okay?”

  I gave him a smile, hoping it was cheerful enough to hide my pain. “Yeah, that would be great.”

  He didn’t say anything else as I walked out the door, and thus was the way my crappy day started almost sixteen hours ago.

  The rehearsal dinner was earlier this evening and no amount of begging or pleading by Audrey could get me to go. Even though I wasn’t part of the wedding, Jenna insisted I come, but I stubbornly refused and ordered room service.

  Getting out of the Bachelorette party was a little more difficult. Audrey resorted to tears, a slimy tactic on her part that I’ve never been able to refuse. She knew something was wrong with me, and she was smart enough to know it was about Jack. But no matter how many questions she asked, I just breezily told her things were great and nothing was wrong.

  But everything was wrong. I’m miserable that Jack has given me the brush off and the last thing I wanted to do was go party with a bunch of girls. However, once Audrey pulled that teary shit on me, I capitulated and agreed.

  We had spent the better part of the night in downtown Asheville, where I sipped on a single glass of wine for most of the night. Now, here we are back at the Inn, and apparently waiting for the guys to get back from their Bachelor party.

  Glancing around The Great Hall, I look at Audrey standing among the group of bridesmaids. They are all trashed and I know they’re going to be sporting vicious hangovers.

  I want to see Jack, but I’m terrified to see Jack.

  Will he acknowledge me, or will he brush me off? I’m afraid it’s the latter and I don’t know if my fragile ego can take it.

  I’ve just made up my mind to head back to the room when the Inn doors burst open and the guys all walk in. They are loud and boisterous, and several of the other guests in The Hall look at them with amusement, a few with disdain.

  My eyes search hungrily for Jack and I spot him. He stands out like a shining beacon to me. He’s wearing a pair of black slacks, a charcoal gray sweater, and a black leather jacket. If he was standing closer to me, I’m betting his eyes would be the color of slate. His cheeks are red from the cold, and he has his arm companionably slung around Carson.

  His eyes do a quick scan of the room and stop the minute they land on me. He leans over to say something to Carson, who glances my way and nods.

  Then Jack is walking toward me.

  My breath catches over the way he’s looking at me. He’s a man that looks like he’s starving and he runs his eyes up and down my body. When he reaches me, he puts his hands on my face and pulls me to him for a kiss.

  It’s warm but demanding, and I provide no resistance when his tongue seeks mine. He tastes of beer and spearmint gum. It’s only when someone yells, “Get a room,” that we break apart. My eyes search his for some clue as to what he’s feeling, but he only treats me with a lazy smile.

  Rubbing his thumb along my bottom lip, he murmurs, “That’s a great idea... let’s go to my room.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to answer but takes my hand and starts leading me to the elevators. I pull back slightly, confused over his abrupt turnaround.

  “Wait,” I say.

  He turns to look at me, impatiently. “What?”

  “I just... I didn’t really think you wanted to see me today?”

  His eyes soften a bit and he pulls me in his arms. Kissing my temple, he says, “Hope... don’t be that way. I’m here now, right?”

  Pushing back on his chest, I glare at him. “Are you drunk or something?”

  “Now why would you ask that?” The smirk on his face leads me to believe he’s a little drunk.

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I look at him levelly. “Because this morning you gave me quite the brush off. I just assumed this... fling was over.”

  Jack steps toward me and brings his hand to my face. He cups it gently and his eyes are soft. “No it’s not over... at least not for me. I made a terrible mistake this morning, Hope, and it drove me nuts today not being near you. We have two more nights... please say you’ll spend them with me.”

  His words are soft but sure, and they convince me of two things. First, that he truly does feel like he made a mistake with me this morning, and for that I can forgive him.

  The second? He’s again reiterated there is still a limit on our time together. Nothing has changed in that respect.

  Do I follow him blindly, knowing that every minute I spend with him I’ll get entrenched deeper into my feelings for him? Or do I walk away, knowing it will be a bit easier today than two days from now?

  “Why did you act that way this morning?”

  He rubs his hand along his jaw, considering the question. “I don’t know. When you asked me about going to Afghanistan... I just realized that our time is fleeting, and maybe it was a mistake to have even started this. But today... I realized I can’t be here... knowing you’re so close, and not be with you. I need to be with you.”

  I study his face and it’s filled with confusion. He doesn’t even under
stand the feelings he has. Jack reaches over and takes my hand, bringing it to his mouth. He kisses it lightly and then brings it to hold against his heart, which I can feel thumping beneath his breastbone.

  “Hope... I’ll be leaving soon and I don’t know what fate has in store for me. Please come to my room with me. We don’t have to have sex. I just want to hold you, talk to you, and be reminded of all the wonderful things I’ll be leaving behind. I promise... no more brush offs. It was stupid and I underestimated how much you have gotten under my skin in such a short time. Please... say yes.”

  His words float over me like a warm, summer breeze, wrapping me in a peaceful feeling. I step into his body and wrap my arms around his waist, laying my head on his chest.

  “Okay. Let’s go back to the original plan and make the most out of these last two nights.”

  I step out of Jack’s bathroom and find him lying on the bed, the covers pulled up to his waist and his bare chest is magnificent. He’s flipping channels on the TV.

  He turns to look at me and pats the bed beside him. “I’m trying to find a good movie for us to watch. Come get under the covers.”

  I walk around the bed and slide in next to him, leaning back against a pillow-lined headboard. After a few moments of channel surfing, he finds Forrest Gump on TNT.

  “I love this movie,” he proclaims.

  I do, too, but I’m not interested in it right now. Turning in the bed to look at him, I say, “What are you doing, Jack?”

  He looks at me in surprise. “Watching a movie with you. And if you snuggle up next to me, it will make it that much better.”

  Sitting up all the way, I make quick work of slinging one leg over Jack’s lap and then I’m straddling him. His hands automatically come up to grip my hips and his eyes shimmer with hunger.

  “What are you doing?” His words come out softly.

  Placing my hands on his chest, I lean forward and kiss the corner of his mouth. Pulling back, I look him dead in the eye. “I’m making the most of our time left together. Forrest Gump has no room in this bed. We have more important things to do.”