Pathological

by Jinkang Wang

  That night, Xue Yu and Xiaoxue slept together. After a shower, Xiaoxue pointed out everywhere the scars had been, her chest, her legs, her feet, everywhere now smooth as new. Xue Yu kissed every inch of his lover’s skin. Perhaps because he was twelve years older, as they tumbled together, his body contained not just a man’s passion, but also a very deep tenderness. Xiaoxue’s beauty had been destroyed, and then restored. He would cherish her, protect her, keep her from any kind of hurt.

  The next day, they went to see Dr. Chen together, to thank him. Highly pleased with himself, he proclaimed Xiaoxue his “finest creation.” Before they left for Beijing, they first stopped by Bozhou so Xiaoxue could say good-bye to Auntie Guo and Uncle Number Three. They almost didn’t recognize her, and kept complimenting her, openmouthed. Everyone in the city who’d known of the “pockmarked beauty” came crowding up to gape and praise her, leaving her flushed as a sunset. When they heard the couple were engaged, Auntie Guo and Uncle Number Three were even happier, and said she should give out wedding candy now, in case they couldn’t make it for the big day. The couple agreed, and not only did they give out candy, they also threw a wedding banquet at Tianhe Grand Hotel, inviting everyone Xiaoxue had known in town.

  They arrived in Nanyang the next day. First, they went to the orphanage. Most of the kids she’d known were gone; only a few still remembered “Big Sister Xiaoxue.” After a moment’s shyness, they came over to hug her. Mother Liu and Mother Chen still worked there, and weren’t as taken with Xiaoxue’s beauty as the Bozhou folk because they still remembered her as the pretty girl she’d always been. Mother Liu took her hand and wept. “Xiaoxue, your Mommy Mei is still in prison. She’s not well, poor thing.”

  Xiaoxue’s eyes reddened. “I’ll visit her tomorrow.”

  That night, they headed to Heavenly Corp., where General Manager Sun was waiting for them in his office. He’d aged a lot in the last seven years. Xiaoxue got out an “Uncle Sun,” but could say nothing more. She’d remembered that moment in the orphanage when she’d said, “I’m going to stop calling you Uncle Sun, you’re Daddy Sun from now on.” She’d once thought Mommy Mei’s marriage was perfect, and now they’d been parted! Though she knew Uncle Sun was a good person, something at the bottom of her heart couldn’t forgive him.

  Uncle Sun looked at her closely, and said with satisfaction, “The surgery was a success. That’s a weight off my heart.”

  They described to him their plan for the next few years, and he approved. “Xiaoxue can come do work-study at a research lab here, and in three to five years she’ll be a lab manager. I’ll arrange that with HR tomorrow. Now go back home and get some rest.”

  They left the facility and walked home along the small path through the pine forest, treading on soft pine needles, watching little squirrels poke their heads out from the branches. Xiaoxue had never been here, and looked all around her with curiosity. Deep in the woods was the former Sun household, the large courtyard full of all kinds of plants, a wisteria trellis in its center, sheltering a round stone table and chairs, and a garage on the east side. The house itself was a little worn down on the outside, but refurbished and thoroughly modern on the inside, particularly a charming bedroom, decorated in warm colors and all kinds of little feminine touches, including an ivory-colored dressing table.

  Xue Yu said, “This is for you, your little kingdom. Of course, when I put this together, I wasn’t expecting that our relationship would develop so quickly.” He smiled. “Now I’m hoping you’ll move into the master bedroom with me, that’s the rightful place for the mistress of the house.”

  She looked in delight at the house, but didn’t answer directly. “So many rooms!”

  Xue Yu said there were indeed a lot of rooms, and he’d hired a woman to come clean them twice a week. Xiaoxue said, “Don’t bother, I’ll do it myself, all my operations must have put you into debt, we should clear what you owe as quickly as possible.”

  Xue Yu smiled. “It’s paid back already—most of it, anyway!”

  He was referring to his debts of conscience, rather than cash. Seven years ago, he’d denounced Ms. Mei, and that left him owing a great deal. Now that he’d helped Ms. Mei find Xiaoxue and gotten her the surgery, he felt he’d paid it off. As for Xiaoxue becoming his wife—that was an unexpected windfall.

  Exploring her new home, Xiaoxue felt her exhaustion from the journey slide away. She wanted to see every corner of every room. Xue Yu gave her a bunch of keys and let her go explore. Meanwhile, he put on an apron and started making dinner, listening to her childlike exclamations as she raced up and down the stairs, outside and back inside. After a while, he called her to dinner and she exclaimed, “It’s lovely! I’ve never seen such a big house and such a spacious courtyard. Mommy Mei could come live here if she wanted. Yu, take me to see her tomorrow.”

  The next day happened to be visiting day at the prison. The visitors’ room was divided by a thick pane of glass, and all conversations had to take place through a telephone. Guards looked on from the far side of the glass. The prisoners came in one by one. Xiaoxue watched anxiously; Mommy Mei came last. She was in a wheelchair, pushed by a female guard. Xiaoxue froze, then turned back to look at Xue Yu. He sighed. “Her rheumatism has gotten worse. I bought her the wheelchair before leaving for Beijing.”

  Xiaoxue worked hard to hold back tears, not wanting Mommy Mei to see her cry. Mommy was at the glass by then, her body frail, her hair white, but her eyes as full of life as ever, her clothes and hair immaculate. She studied Xiaoxue’s features, and said happily, “Xiaoxue, you’re even more beautiful than seven years ago. Xue, thank you.”

  Xue Yu said, simply, “I only did what I should.”

  “Xiaoxue, where did you run off to for seven years? Mommy missed you.”

  “Mommy, I . . . missed . . . you, too.” Just one sentence, and she was all choked up.

  “Mommy made you ill. She made you suffer for seven years. Mommy let you down.”

  No, Mommy, I forgave you long ago. In fact, I never really hated you. Xiaoxue shook her head, unable to get the words out. She knew that if she opened her mouth, the tears would stream out too.

  Mei Yin said, “Let’s not talk about that. We should be happy to meet again. Before leaving for Beijing, Xue Yu said to me he was going to pluck up his courage to propose to you. How about it? Did he do it?”

  Xiaoxue smiled tearfully. “Mommy, he’s so pathetic. I don’t want to say yes, but I feel bad refusing. I’ll let you choose for me.”

  Mei Yin laughed brightly. “Hear that, Xue Yu? Your happiness is in my hands!” She turned back to Xiaoxue. “Say yes. He’s a good man, and you’ll do well together.”

  They chatted for a long time, until visiting hours were almost over, then Mei Yin suddenly thought of something. “Xiaoxue, these few years, what day did you celebrate your birthday? Still the first Sunday in September?” Xiaoxue said nothing. What had there been to celebrate, in the last seven years? Guessing this, Mei Yin said to Xue Yu, “It’s Xiaoxue’s birthday soon. Don’t forget, that’s your first test. Xiaoxue, let Xue Yu celebrate your birthday on Mommy’s behalf.”

  On the way back from the detention center, Xiaoxue no longer tried to hold her tears back, but wept to her heart’s content. She said to Xue Yu, “I want Mommy Mei to come home with us. Can we do that? Can she apply for medical parole? Big Brother Xue Yu, will you help me bring her home?” Xue Yu didn’t reply at once, his hands on the wheel, looking at her in profile, something strange in his eyes. Xiaoxue could feel it, but didn’t know what the strangeness meant. Anxiously, she asked, “Won’t you do it? Do you still have some grudge against her?”

  Xue Yu parked the car by a stream and told her to come with him, then hugged her as they sat on the grass. The water flowed placidly; now and then a little fish leaped from the water.

  “No, I don’t have any grudge against Ms. Mei. In fact, General Manager Sun and I are sorting out the paperwork for getting her paroled on medical grounds, and should ha
ve a result soon. Although—there’s something I’d hoped to keep from you, but if Mommy Mei’s going to be living with us, I think I’d better tell you.”

  Xiaoxue had an uneasy feeling. “What is it? Tell me.”

  “It’s not really a secret; you might be the only person who doesn’t know. Xiaoxue, seven years ago, the smallpox outbreak was no accident. Mommy Mei did it on purpose. She put the virus in your birthday cake.”

  “Wha—what?”

  “That’s right. She did it deliberately. Of course, she didn’t mean to harm you, she was acting on a medical theory that’s a little difficult to explain.”

  Xiaoxue didn’t hear a word of what came next because her blood was roaring in her ears. She’d done it on purpose! In the orphans’ birthday cake! In an instant, fragments of memory had linked together, showing her the unmistakable truth. Mommy’s guilty expression; the conversation she’d half overheard; Mommy Mei’s sudden desire to adopt her; Xiaoxue’s despair at the first sight of her pockmarked face in the mirror; seven years of hostile looks . . . yes, it was true, and she, the victim, was the last to find out. It was too cruel.

  Xue Yu watched painfully as she passed through these torments. “I know it’s difficult to hear this. But there’s an even deeper truth behind this truth, a deeper kind of love. Listen to me.”

  He patiently explained everything. “In fact, before this outbreak, Ms. Mei had already carried out experiments on her own body. Do you remember how she didn’t even wear a mask when she was taking care of you? Yes, she and Uncle Sun both had lifelong immunity. They knew that this strain was fairly safe, although even the safest variety may have outliers, and your body just happened to be especially susceptible. You suffered a great deal, but you gained lifelong immunity to smallpox too, and that’s a very precious thing.

  “Did you know? I’ve taken over Mommy Mei’s research. This field of study is heavily debated in medical theory circles, and the government can neither openly acknowledge it nor ban it outright. The Chinese government is being circumspect about it, they’re using a ‘double negative’ strategy—neither saying it’s legal, nor that it isn’t. Putting Ms. Mei in prison on the one hand, allowing her research lab to stay open on the other, and not asking any questions. The research project’s been allowed to slip between the cracks, until it’s been proven or disproven. General Manager Sun and I have arranged for you to work there, to research attenuated smallpox viruses and other pathogens. The WHO’s been funding us.

  “I’ve told you the whole truth now. Do you still want to bring Mommy Mei to live with us? If you do, then that’s wonderful. If you can’t accept it yet, Mommy Mei and I will understand, and I’ll arrange for her to stay somewhere else when she gets out.”

  Xiaoxue didn’t hesitate. “Of course she should come live with us. No matter what has happened, her love for me is real. You couldn’t fake mother love like that. And I’ll love her back in the same way.”

  “Excellent. I’ll make the arrangements as soon as possible.”

  A month later, Sun, Xue Yu, and Xiaoxue went to the prison together, to bring Mei Yin home. The high metal gates slowly rolled open, and a female guard wheeled her to the exit. Mei Yin pushed herself the rest of the way, her smile as bright as a child’s. In that instant, as if someone were slicing onions nearby, all their eyes filled with tears. Jingshuan rushed over to lift her from the wheelchair, but Mei Yin declined with a smile, saying, “I can walk a few steps—I can.” Jingshuan ignored her, and she didn’t refuse again, very naturally wrapping her arms around his neck and allowing herself to be bundled into the car. They got back to the house in the pine forest, and installed Mei Yin in the room that had been meant for Xiaoxue. Jingshuan busied himself serving tea, but in this place, his old home, facing his ex-wife, his heart was a jumble of emotions: melancholy, guilt, and hurt all competing for room. He tried not to show any of this, but nevertheless seemed downcast and quiet. Mei Yin guessed what he was feeling, and kept the conversation light. She smiled. “Are He Ying and Jiaojiao well? You should bring them for a visit someday soon.”

  Xue Yu laughed. “General Manager Sun keeps his wife tucked away like a treasure. Even I hardly ever get to see the family.”

  Jingshuan let this pass, and said to the couple, “From now on, I’ll leave Ms. Mei in your care.”

  Xiaoxue said, “Don’t worry, Mommy’s living with her daughter, she’ll be taken care of.”

  Xue Yu said, “General Manager Sun, stay for lunch? There are two bottles of aged Maotai wine—you left them behind when you moved out.”

  Jingshuan stayed, and drank a little too much. Now that Mei Yin was out on parole, and Xue Yu could assume the burden of Heavenly Corp., he felt a weight lift from his heart. He could leave now. He could take his wife and daughter, the ancestral portraits of his grandfather and grandmother, his guilt and his longing, and seek a new life elsewhere. He said, “Mei Yin, do you remember the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, how Xu Shu brought Zhuge Liang to Liu Bei?”

  “Of course. I still know the classics—do you think I’m still that much of a foreigner?”

  “That happened here, in Xinye. Cao Cao had captured Xu Shu’s mother, forcing Xu Shu to leave Liu Bei. Before going, he said, ‘In the past, General Liu, I helped you to victory by listening to my heart. But now that my heart is muddied, what use is there in staying?’ Then he said to the crowds who’d come to say good-bye, ‘I couldn’t end as well as I began. Gentlemen, don’t follow my example.’”

  The other three knew what he was saying, and could sense his sorrow. Mei Yin tried to stop him. “Jingshuan . . .”

  “Let me finish. Xue Yu, Xiaoxue, the truth is always cruel. Holding fast to the truth isn’t easy, and living it is even harder. My psyche was too weak. I couldn’t end as well as I began. Don’t follow my example.”

  They realized he was saying farewell. Mei Yin didn’t try to change his mind, knowing he’d stand firm. “Jingshuan, remember us, come and see us often.”

  “I will, I’ll come back.”

  After lunch, the two men went back to work, and Mei Yin wheeled herself to the door to see Jingshuan off. When Xue Yu got back that night, he said, “Mother Mei, General Manager Sun has done all the paperwork for the handover of the company. He wants to leave tomorrow, but he won’t come to say good-bye, so he asked me to give you this crucifix in remembrance.”

  Mei Yin took the gleaming silver cross, and clutched it tightly. Neither of them said another word about Jingshuan’s departure. Xiaoxue could tell her mother’s heart was heavy, so she smiled. “It’s a shame Uncle Sun couldn’t stay for our wedding. Mommy, you came back just in time, you can help us organize the wedding. We’re thinking of doing it in a month’s time.”

  “We’d planned to wait two or three years to have children,” Xue Yu added awkwardly, “but there was an accident. That’s fine, it just means Xiaoxue won’t start work yet. She can use this time to hit the books, and take up the job when the baby’s a year old.”

  “That’s wonderful news. In fact, I’ve never liked the way women are having their first children older and older, it’s bad for the body. Twenty is the most natural time for a first pregnancy.” She was silent for a moment. “It’s a pity I never had a child. If I could have my life over again, I’d make sure to have a baby early on.”

  These words were soaked with sadness, but she had brushed them away a moment later, and happily began making plans. She said, “I’ll take care of the child when it arrives; Xiaoxue, I’ll be in charge of your studies too. I think you can take an accelerated syllabus—in two or three years you’ll be an exemplary lab manager.” She scribbled down a reading list, mostly college textbooks, and told Xue Yu to order them as soon as possible. “Xiaoxue, your life as a student starts tomorrow.”

  The next morning, Xiaoxue got up and went to the bathroom, then Xue Yu heard her calling, “Xue Yu, where’s Mommy??” He leaped out of bed, only to find Mei Yin in the courtyard, her wheelchair pushed up against the wall, enthusi
astically admiring the plants around her. Xue Yu and Xiaoxue watched, smiling, from the doorway, then went back in to get breakfast ready.

  At breakfast, Mei Yin said, “Xiaoxue, I was looking at the sponge gourd plants earlier. Do you know how the creepers climb up the wall? They have tendrils that stick into the cracks, then the endings swell so they get fixed in there. It’s the same way mountain-climbers’ crampons work. What an amazing design!”

  Xiaoxue put down her bowl and went out to look, and it was as she said. The sponge gourd’s tendrils bloated into little green balls once they were in the cracks, wedging them in so tightly you couldn’t pull them loose. They were commonplace plants, but she hadn’t noticed their little trick until Mommy Mei told her that. Now she stealthily studied her Mommy. Gray-white hair, scrawny frame, but brilliance in her eyes, full of life. She thought, with joy, Mommy Mei’s new life begins now.

  The next day, both mother and daughter started new routines. After Xue Yu went to work, Mei Yin started teaching Xiaoxue. During the three months of surgery in Beijing, she’d gulped down quite a few books on epidemiology, in order to stay connected to Xue Yu’s life. With only a seventh grade education, she was separated from this professional knowledge. Now, with Mommy Mei to teach her, she found the gap easy to bridge. Studying with Mommy Mei made her realize what a masterclass was. A true master is able to turn the hardest knowledge into easily graspable concepts. A master’s knowledge is complete and organized, touching on neighboring topics, and personal. Mei Yin was happy that, though Xiaoxue was uneducated, she had a sharp intelligence and a lively mind, and she often came up with unusual ideas—shallow, perhaps, but original. Maybe this was precisely due to her lack of schooling? Her native intelligence hadn’t been stifled by force-feeding. As she encouraged her mind to run free, Mei Yin was also quietly indoctrinating her in the beliefs of the Crucifix Society. And like a sponge, Xiaoxue absorbed them steadily, growing all the while, seeming to change every day.