Loving Me for Me

by Naleighna Kai

  “Risks?”

  “When Jay turned three, and I realized that Maria was going to spoil him to the point he turned out as rotten as his father, brothers, and my brothers as well, I made a move that I would never have done on my own. There was a house in foreclosure down the street from Maria’s place. The family had abandoned it, and a week later, I broke a window, climbed in, changed the locks and put the gas, lights, and telephone into my name.” She smiled at his shocked expression. “I was eighteen. The VA gave me the time to get a job and opportunity to buy it for the amount remaining on the mortgage, using the down payment I saved from having teens sell fundraiser candy at their high schools.”

  She picked up the keepsake book that she planned to take with her as well. Flipping it open revealed photos of Jay as a toddler in a bright blue and white shirt and shorts, wearing a wide smile and sparkling brown eyes that spoke of his happiness.

  “He was such a wonderful child. He truly was,” she whispered, touching a finger to the image of Jay’s smile. “I really thought I had this motherhood thing on lock.” She laughed, and the sound of it snatched Devesh away from the other images of Jay. “I was about to adopt more children, went to classes and everything. Then Jay hit puberty, and it cured me of any ideas of wanting more children.”

  Devesh joined in her laughter as he remembered his own preteen years. It was no joke for him, either. He couldn’t understand what was going on with his body or his mind. Thankfully, Jay and Reign made it through in one piece, as they were closer than ever.

  “The lady from the agency called me and said, ‘Ms. King, we haven’t seen you in a while.’ I replied, ‘Let me tell you something. I don’t want the little heathen I have, and I don’t want your little heathens either.’ She asked me how old Jay was and I reminded her that he was twelve. She laughed and understood. She said she’d hopefully hear from me soon. They’re still waiting.”

  She traced her fingertips along the leather piping of her suitcase before touching the silken edges of the keepsake book.

  Devesh placed his hand over hers to keep her from turning that next page. “Then why did you have my children?”

  Reign sighed softly, adjusting her position on the bed before saying, “When I found out I was pregnant—that was before I learned I was carrying twins—I was going to have an abortion. I was too old to be having a child. I’m ready to kick back and travel and do all the things on the list that I’ve been keeping for years. This house is almost paid off, my finances were set, and raising children in this day and age isn’t cheap … or safe.”

  Devesh tightened his hold on her hand, offering a silent support. He would find out what was on that list and make it happen. She should experience them because she’d sacrificed so much in her life to give the best to others.

  “Then I had that dream again. But this time, only Jay was in the tunnel with me, about the same age he is now. We walked side-by-side into the darkness. Two children appeared, in this dream, a boy and girl who looked so much alike it was uncanny. I stayed back while Jay left my side, moved forward and reached for them. They ran to him, embraced him, and Jay asked, “What took you so long?”

  “They said”—Reign locked gazes with Devesh—“We were waiting … on them.”

  Reign let that meaning sink in for a minute. Then she placed a hand over his, and he stroked his fingers on hers. “To me, that meant Leena and Kamran were supposed to come through us that one time we were together. I felt it all the way down to my soul.”

  He wiped the tears from her face and smiled. The message was so deep and profound.

  “Unlike with Jay, where I had spent the first part of my pregnancy not wanting him, I immediately sent thoughts to them that they were wanted, loved, and welcomed. Oh, and to please work with me on the pregnancy thing. I didn’t want to be miserable.” She smiled, and it seemed the room brightened just from that small action. “They listened, or my angels and ancestors did, because that pregnancy was so much easier than it had been with Jay. I worried that so much in my body could fail—my heart, my kidneys—and so much could go wrong, like gestational diabetes. But they came through alright.

  “Raising a child is not easy, especially when you have to do it alone.” She extracted her hand from his and placed it on his cheek. “Devesh, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I let my fears keep me from doing what was right for my children. Your children. And I’m so very sorry.”

  Devesh reached out and pushed a few strands of hair away from her face. “We will work through this, all of this, until this relationship makes sense and it’s something you are comfortable with, alright?”

  “Alright.”

  Her answer sounded like more of a question than an answer.

  Devesh leaned forward and kissed the pulse that was beating at the base of her throat and smiled when he heard her sharp intake breath and felt the trembling in her body.

  As much as she tried to remind him that their marriage was “in name only,” he had to wonder if she was saying it more for her own benefit than his.

  Chapter 10

  Devesh thought a wonderful way to bond with his wife would be to have a little fun in the sun. The twelve-bedroom home on Shoreview had a private backyard oasis with pool, spa, dining areas, barbecue center and lush tropical landscaping. Unfortunately, when they made it out of the master suite, down the long hallway to the front stairs, they found the house was overflowing with strangers his family had invited. Quite a few of them Tiya’s female friends.

  Contrary to what Devesh believed, only a few of the people who came for nightly dinners at the Maharaj place, showed up for their wedding and reception a few weeks earlier. Reign had not realized how much they had been slighted, but Devesh was well aware and tucked that information in the back of his mind. That day, Reign had never looked as regal as she did in her Anarkali Salwar royal purple lengha choli set—tunic with matching pants. Devesh had worn a kurta of the same color, with gold accents. Anaya had done Reign’s make-up along with an upswept look for her hair. Reign had always been beautiful, but on the day she became his wife, she was the picture of royalty she had been named for.

  When she had glided toward him, his heart swelled with pride. Finally, he would have the woman who was meant for him. He knew it, even if it would take her some convincing. They had years now, and he would use every minute wisely. She said until the children were twelve—the age of accountability. He would find a way to extend that to many more years.

  Devesh had turned to where the twins sat with his parents wearing colors and garments that matched the bride and groom. From his place in front of the Pandit, Devesh winked at them. They giggled, and Leena gestured for them to hurry up and get on with things. There was a food spread for the wedding reception that awaited which would satisfy everyone’s soul, even if Devesh’s choice of bride did not.

  Weeks later, his family—and now their friends, were still reeling from the aftermath of his decision. Somehow, they had gotten over their reservations enough to spread out all over the Maharaj home.

  The place, especially outdoors, was perfectly designed for the type of entertaining that was such a central part of Indian family life. But Tiya’s friends weren’t there simply to enjoy a beautiful day of socializing.

  Every one of them seemed to have one motive—baiting Devesh into doing something no married man should be caught doing. No respect for the fact that he had a gold band that matched Reign’s on his wedding finger.

  Finally fed up with the women’s antics, Devesh left the pool, and sauntered over to the place where Reign was stretched out on a lounger enjoying a novel. She’d taken to reading now that she had more time on her hands since Mumma and Aunt Kavya were insisting on keeping the children. And the twins loved Mumma, Aunt Kavya, Pranav, Anaya, and Papa something fierce. The bond and interaction often had them laughing like children themselves.

  Devesh leaned in, kissed Reign passionately on the lips.

  “Hey,” she managed when there was
a slight break and she could breathe.

  He silenced her protest swiftly with the expert use of his tongue; moisture from his massive chest was steadily dripping on the pages that were suddenly abandoned on her lap. His kiss deepened and intensified before blossoming into a world of exploration, and his senses reeled with the pleasurable onslaught. The taste of her, the feel of her, the scent of her—all combined to make him open to her in a way that had him on the brink of losing control.

  Then he was gone, running back toward the Olympic-sized pool, feet slapping noisily on the stones before diving into the deep end, slicing through the water in smooth strides as if that damning kiss hadn’t just dismantled his entire world.

  Devesh had kissed her. In plain view of everyone. And it wasn’t tame by any stretch of the imagination. East Indian culture wasn’t too keen on public displays of affection. The silence that descended around them was nothing short of earth-shattering. Everyone who had eyes had somehow focused her way, even the pets.

  Soon, whispers of disbelief carried across the expanse of the area. The family members who were riding the fence about their marriage chimed in to answer questions they were hit with all of a sudden …

  Wait a minute; he’s with her?

  Yes, he married her a few weeks ago.

  Her?

  That’s what we said. Isn’t it horrible?

  Oh my God, really?

  I know, right?

  Where’d he get her from?

  We’re still trying to figure that out.

  I thought he was with the blonde one.

  Yes, we did too.

  What ghetto did she crawl out of?

  Only Shiva knows.

  Reign shifted her gaze just in time to see Tiya’s face flush with a color too red to give a name. Tiya’s husband, Hiran, gave his wife’s hand a reassuring pat while throwing an angry glare at Reign, who struggled under its intensity.

  “Never knew Devesh to fall for a woman who was so … you know,” goaded one of Tiya’s friends.

  “That’s what makes this so strange,” Tiya answered, keeping a steady focus on Devesh’s movements in the pool. “She’s a little thick, I mean she’s much smaller now than I remember in her pics, but still her whole vibe is so serious, so deep, a little edgy.” Tiya didn’t even bother to lower her voice. “We tried to separate them before, and you see how that worked out.”

  Basically, Reign understood that “Her?” was the resounding question.

  Well, why not her? Maybe the man wanted a woman of substance. Something more than skinny, pretentious types like Amy Seran.

  Reign almost felt sorry for the petite woman with bluish-grey eyes and sun-streaked blonde hair who had been Devesh’s “sometime” companion for years. She’d been more like a sister than a love interest. The only time any sparks seemed to fly was when they were in front of the camera. When Devesh first mentioned her years ago, he’d merely said, “She’s someone who takes pictures for free.”

  From that moment, though, they were seen in photograph after photograph, then videos showcasing how close they were as friends and hinting at a little something more between them. None of it was believable to people who actually knew the difference between real love and people who were just going through the motions. Devesh was with Amy because she was fun and she was eye candy that helped connect him to the market that was the foundation of his stock photo business. She takes pictures for free. Practical, because he didn’t have to pay her with anything except the illusion of the possibility of a greater love ahead. Nothing more. She had the nerve to be present today even though Devesh had clearly told her he no longer wanted a relationship.

  But he had claimed Reign. In front of his family and now in front of other strangers who couldn’t make heads or tails of how their relationship worked. But the looks they sent her way brought to mind an experience that had always tap danced on the corner of her memories and was the very reason she had given up on relationships altogether.

  She’d been with a man years ago who had waited too late to express that he had feelings for her. She had made a pledge to join the Nation of Islam—NOI—and Reign was always serious about her commitments. No fornication. No drinking. No pork. She had needed the discipline as well as the understanding of her people that came with accepting a religion that was vastly different from her Baptist upbringing. Especially since she hadn’t set foot in a church after the day when she put everyone in the congregation on notice of their sins when they were taking her to task for hers. Pulled in by the words: A nation can rise no higher than its woman; the NOI also provided a base for making her think outside of the misconceptions from Christian doctrines she’d been spoonfed since birth; ones that were not favorable to women.

  Five years into it, Sister Reign understood that the NOI’s stance that a nation can rise no higher than its woman was nothing more than empty words. As she had experienced in the Christian church, the high standards that applied to women in the Nation were swept aside when it came to the men. Far too many of the men thought a woman’s worth could only be found in her supporting a man with her money or spreading them wide and hanging them high so he could sample that hidden part of her body.

  The first thing Reign did upon leaving the NOI was to buy a bottle of Moscato. The second act was to place a call to Shawn Newsome, a former classmate who had expressed interest before she ventured into that religion. She informed him of her new status. He was more than happy to help break her five-year sexual fast. Their “relationship” lasted a full year and Reign was so focused on getting acclimated to her new life outside of the NOI, that she missed the signs that she was the only one who was in said “relationship.” They never went out on dates like a regular couple. Everything between them happened under the cover of darkness—late night calls and late night sex. Those terms were fine by her at first because she didn’t want her son to run into Shawn until they were taking things to a different place—but for some reason, discussions never led in that direction. Then one night changed everything.

  Shawn had shown up, and he was three sheets to the wind and another five knots under the table. Unfortunately, he was sober enough to say, “You know, Black men don’t really like fat women. You’ll have to pay me for sex from now on.”

  Her world had crumbled. He believed that her self-esteem was so low that she would accept his new terms. Unfortunately, he was wrong. She put a vaginal grip on his erection so tight that he experienced a painful muscle cramp that wouldn’t go away. She watched him roll around on her freshly shampooed carpet, screaming in pain for an hour before she finally called 9-1-1.

  When two women rolled in to scoop him off her bedroom floor, take him down the stairs and into the waiting ambulance, Reign filled them in on what Shawn had said. Patty and Sandi—Reign would never forget their names—shared a speaking glance between them. They were about Reign’s size. Raven-haired Sandi said to her fellow blonde paramedic, “Looks like we’ll be taking the scenic route.”

  Shawn showed up two months later, begging for forgiveness and a second chance. Reign didn’t allow him or any other man to touch her for years after that experience. She had already soured on relationships at fourteen after landing a lemon named Roberto Madera off the showroom floor. She didn’t trust her instincts when it came to men and eventually lost the need to be with one. Hence, the entrance of her little friend—the one that Devesh had been trying to get rid of since she brought it from Chicago. She couldn’t count the times she ended up hunting for it since they had been in California. Not that she needed to use it, but still … he would hide it in the most unlikely places. Made her feel like she was on an Easter Egg hunt. Every day.

  Reign was sure Devesh would be alarmed to know that she failed to disclose information about some rather interesting experiences before he dropped back into her life. When her personal pleasure device didn’t prove to be enough, and she was driven by the need for human contact, she took an exploration journey into Cuddle Parties that event
ually led to Bliss Parties. Those social events led to meeting Ali Khan and followed with a series of dates that she thought would end her multi-year drought. Things with Ali hadn’t progressed to a sexual level, but it was so close—practically supposed to happen when she brought the twins home from this spring break trip. Thankfully, she’d left the door open to continue that avenue and also allowed Devesh to maintain the relationship with that woman he’d been with all these years. Everyone could be happy, right?

  Now Devesh, one of the most handsome, talented, and wonderful men in the world, had claimed her in plain view of everyone who mattered. She, who had been abandoned by her father, two boyfriends, and two religions, was being completely accepted by a man who had no qualms about anyone knowing how he felt. The little corner of her mind that screamed that she wasn’t good enough was trying to override common sense. The wedding ring on her finger seemed to tighten a little in response, reminding her Devesh had married her strictly because of the children.

  Reign made an attempt to block out the curious looks still focused in her direction and tried to put her eyes on the novel she held. Two things made it nearly impossible. The pages were too wet to read and she couldn’t keep from following Devesh’s movements in the water—smooth, purposeful, and beautiful. He made it to the other end of the pool and put his attention her way. His gaze held hers and he smiled.

  Still affected by his kiss, she tried to smile back. She placed the novel face up on the patio end table so the sun could dry the pages.

  Everyone who was giving her the side-eye could take a flying leap off a tall building in a single bound. With or without the cape.

  Her?

  Indeed.

  Chapter 11

  Reign had finally taken all she could. Laying next to Devesh every night, unable to make love because she wanted to hold fast to the groundwork they agreed upon for the type of marriage they would have. She was unable to explore this unleashed passion that was driving her absolutely nuts. And if she didn’t know any better, she would swear he was courting her.