Loving Me for Me

by Naleighna Kai

  Early morning strolls along the beach. Bringing her a delicious and healthy protein shake or fresh fruit and grains for breakfast in bed every morning. He even managed, after some time, to get her on his motorcycle, despite her fears that came as a result of her brother dying in a tragic motorcycle accident at twenty-one years of age. At first, Devesh simply walked his Harley down the street with her on it, getting her used to the feel. Then he slowly transitioned to riding for a block and back to the house each day, adding another block until they finally reached a point where she could comfortably ride with him all the way to the beach.

  He also had a standing Friday appointment for a spa team to come to the house and provide Reign with services that ranged from brown sugar scrubs to massages, facials, manicures, and pedicures. Not to mention that he took Aunt Kavya up on her offer to make clothing for Reign and the twins. They now had an array of beautiful Indian garments that far outmatched anything others in the family had.

  The man was so attentive to her needs that she felt her heart opening to him again, and it frightened her to no end. This marriage, one that she never thought she would be a part of, was perfect in most ways except one. And she would not let it go down that path. She needed to move forward with keeping some distance between them. None of the married women in her circle had anything good to say about marriage. Fifty percent of them were divorcing. Good women. Same result.

  Ali was in Los Angeles for a few days on the final stages of a merger and acquisition deal for one of his companies. When she explained the abrupt change in her status the morning she was to walk down the aisle, Ali spent hours on a call to her explaining why a marriage for the children’s sake never panned out. He had left her several messages over the past few weeks. She ignored them. Now, hoping to put a barrier between herself and Devesh that would keep their marriage on the track they said it would stay on, she reached out to Ali earlier today. He was disappointed to learn that she had moved forward with those sudden plans to marry Devesh, but he was also intrigued when she explained that her relationship was of the “open” variety.

  She dressed in a Rene Boyd-Goldstein original poncho top, a silky pair of leggings and heels. Earlier she had asked if Mumma and Aunt Kavya could look after the children for a while. Only a slither of a thought crossed her mind that maybe, just maybe, she should have discussed this with Devesh before undertaking this part of the journey. But what exactly would she say? “Gee, Devesh, I’m so hot for you that I need to sleep with someone else?” That would go over real well, but that was the terms of their marriage. An open marriage that allowed either one of them to explore avenues that would officially be closed in any other kind of marriage.

  Reign had learned in her research on open marriages, that a good majority of the additional relationships were not sexual. People, like her, were under the assumption that those kind of relationships were all about swapping mates and having a wicked good time in bed. Not so. Swinging and open marriages were two totally different beasts—one was about sexual pleasure, the other was all about fulfillment in much more than just the physical sense. She found that men brought their wives into the concept kicking and screaming, only to get upset in a major way when the wives began to enjoy themselves by having fulfilling relationships and companionships that their husbands did not provide. The husbands tended to be the ones to demand that the marriages go back to being monogamous. As if they were the only ones who were supposed to enjoy the fruits of that kind of labor. Go figure.

  The same way that Devesh had given her a hard time about her personal pleasure device—one that had them in Midway Airport’s security for an extra half hour. The woman checking the bag did not want to pull such a unique and custom-made piece out for all to see. She finally asked the grey-haired TSA officer watching the screen to come over and take a gander into Reign’s carry on for himself. His eyes widened, then he looked up a Reign, but put a much longer questioning and accusatory look at Devesh who fumed to the point that he didn’t speak to Reign again until they’d landed in California.

  Reign stepped out of Devesh’s master suite that had a fireplace and full spa-centered bath as well as a separate workout room which connected to an office that served as his studio. She tipped down the hallway, then the front staircase and paused long enough to have an internal argument about whether to say goodbye or simply slide out the door with no fanfare whatsoever.

  Come to think of it, that whole no fanfare thing was definitely the better option. She tipped soundlessly toward the door, grateful that no one was in the parlor or the living room this time.

  “Mama,” Leena squealed, scrambling from Aunt Kavya’s side and rushing toward Reign. Kamran slowly ambled from the chair where he sat playing checkers with Pranav.

  “Where are you going?” Devesh’s voice boomed from the family room through the den and carried all the way to the parlor.

  Conversations trickled to a halt. Leena froze several feet from Reign. Kamran nearly crashed into her. Both of them snapped their attention to Devesh whose tone was sharper than even she could recall.

  “I have a date.”

  The silence and shock that rippled through the people in the den, family room and dining room, nearly tilted the universe on its axis.

  His expression darkened as he covered some of the distance between them. “Come again?”

  “A date,” she repeated with a lot less energy than when she said it a few moments ago. “I’ll only be out for a little while.”

  Murmurs of discontent echoed from everywhere, and soon the entire front areas of the four corners were overflowing with family who had come in to witness this strange turn of events.

  Mumma moved from behind Anaya to watch, her eyes pleading with Reign not to break her son’s heart. Reign knew that look all too well. The same one she’d had when Cassie, the girlfriend that came after Jay’s relationship with his high school sweetheart had ended, had fallen prey to her own insecurities and had hurt him in the worst possible way. Then the young woman came running to Reign to help make things right. Reign schooled Cassie on the fact that what she had done would serve as a life lesson; Cassie would have to “woman up” and deal with the consequences.

  Evidently, that was going to be Reign’s lesson here as well. She should have communicated with her husband. Truthfully, she was still not used to having to work out her plans and progress with someone else. Before now she only answered to God and the IRS, exactly in that order. She was also not used to sharing her children with someone other than Jay.

  “Absolutely not.”

  “You have the option to be with Amy,” she offered, flickering a gaze toward his ex who for some unknown reason was still a fixture around the house every evening for dinner. “That’s what an open marriage is.”

  “I gave her up when I married you,” he shot back.

  “I didn’t ask you to do that,” she countered, slipping the black clutch under her arm.

  “You didn’t have to,” he yelled. “That’s what a man does when he has every intention of being faithful to the woman he marries.”

  Amy’s pale skin reddened with embarrassment.

  “I didn’t ask for that either.”

  “No, you didn’t. This is who I am.” Devesh hooked his arm under hers and guided her past the curious onlookers. “Come, we will not speak of such things in front of my family,” he said.

  “Why not? They’re always around to hear everything else,” she responded as he ushered her up the stairs, down the hall, and into the master suite.

  Now, she was the one feeling some kind of way. “Devesh, we have an open marriage. That means I get to date.”

  “You should’ve talked to me about this first,” he admonished, and was in her face in the five seconds it took to move closer.

  “You tell me how to start that conversation.”

  “Devesh, I’d like to talk about maybe taking our marriage to the next level,” he countered, and his expression was intense. “Maybe you woul
d have understood that I was waiting for you to get comfortable with the fact that you’re married now. I wanted you to make the first move toward becoming intimate.”

  She grimaced, stepping a few feet away, taking a deep breath before launching into, “You knew how much I wanted children. Knew that I thought I couldn’t have any. You kept them from me. I can never forgive you for that.”

  The words, his hurtful words flung at her when he first learned of the twins, hung between them for several moments.

  “If you can’t forgive me,” she replied, tilting her head to look into his eyes. “How am I supposed to believe that you love me?”

  Devesh closed his eyes, shuttering any emotion that she could read there. When he opened them, he said, “I regret those hateful words.” He crossed the remaining distance between them. “I thought by taking my time, you’d learn my feelings. You’d know that we belong together.”

  Every day she felt like she was going through the motions, doing what she thought was supposed to be right in a marriage. Taking care of him, anticipating his needs, giving him the benefit of her knowledge and experience. The fact that he appreciated it and listened gave her a heady feeling. Every day it was becoming so hard to hold her feelings at bay. Deep down she knew that he still hated her for the time he missed with his children. And she was also aware that his family had always proved to be more important than her. She could never let her guard down.

  Devesh stroked his fingers through his hair. “I know what you sacrificed to bring my children into the world,” he whispered. “And I am forever grateful for that. I know I agreed that if we married, it would be an open one, but …” He lowered his hands, placed them on her arms. “Honey, I can’t. The thought of you with another man tears my heart in a way I can’t even explain.

  He sighed, and the sound was weary and sad. She pulled him close; letting the emotions ripple through, trying to calm him so he would not break down. This issue went deep for him. And she never understood how much before now.

  Devesh pulled away to look into her eyes. What she saw in those dark brown orbs nearly knocked her to her knees.

  “I know what I said, but I can’t do this open marriage thing,” he admitted.

  “So you were lying when you—”

  “No, honey. I thought I could handle it but … my wife, the woman who lays next to me every night, who shares my life? The mother of my children?” He dragged his hands down his face. “I can’t do it, honey. Another man between your thighs can find his way into your heart. I’m not here for it.”

  She almost smiled at his use of common slang, but she also couldn’t help feeling a little bit cornered. Did he really think that their marriage could go the distance? That there would ever be a time when his family wasn’t looking down their nose at her and the twins?

  “Why don’t you at least give us a try instead of automatically believing that we will fail?”

  Reign’s cell vibrated. She was certain that her date was past impatient at this point.

  Ali would be sorely disappointed at yet another obstacle in their blossoming relationship. He had wanted a more exclusive intimate connection and made no bones about it when he pursued her all this time. When he realized that she was going to stay the course for the next eight years, only then was he willing to explore the other side of the open marriage deal. Probably more in hopes that he could convince her to leave Devesh altogether than mere acceptance of her marriage alone. Now she had to wonder if sexual gratification would outweigh everything else that Devesh put on the table? Family. Trust. Love. Safety. Companionship. And now … intimacy.

  “Give us a try first, and if …” His gaze slid to the plush carpet. He couldn’t even voice the words. If I’m not enough for you. “Then we’ll revisit this whole”—He shuddered—“open marriage issue.”

  Devesh cupped her face in his hands, kissed her lips and led her out of the room and down into the place where some of the guests had abandoned dinner and were having hushed discussions. All conversation came to a halt when they appeared.

  Tiya’s scowl showed exactly how she felt about things. Mumma’s hand fluttered and landed over her heart. She was obviously feeling her son’s pain and anxiety. For a woman who was so hell-bent on not wanting her son to marry a woman outside of their culture, she had made a complete one-eighty and was actually rooting for them to make it. That moved Reign.

  She regarded Pranav a moment, before he nodded vehemently, evidently sensing that Devesh had set things right.

  “I’ll go out and tell Ali that—”

  “I’ll talk with him,” Devesh said, stepping around her and aiming for the door.

  Reign halted her movements. “Devesh, either you trust me, or you don’t.”

  “Woman, a minute ago you were ready to be with him,” he responded, eyes filled with heat. “And a man who’s willing to sleep with a woman who took vows with another man. Him, I don’t trust as far as I can throw him.”

  Devesh didn’t give her a chance to respond. He was out the door in a flash.

  Reign focused on Mumma, who breathed a sigh of relief that mirrored Anaya’s expression exactly.

  “What did you say to him?” she demanded when Devesh walked back in fifteen minutes later. A whole world of time seemed to pass for that conversation with Ali to have been a simple, “She’s not coming with you tonight.”

  “I said what needed to be said.” Devesh leveled a fiery gaze on her. “You belong to me.”

  The silence that expanded between them was telling.

  “Care to dispute that,” he challenged, and his dark brown eyes were intense.

  Ali would not take highly to that claim. Especially since he had been the one to put in work all these months of dating, worthwhile conversations, intimate dinners, and excursions—almost the same foundation she’d had with Devesh. Well, except the cuddle and Bliss parties.

  “You waited until I was here.” She inhaled, struggling to contain her anger. “No job, no place to go, totally dependent on you. And now you want to have an issue with this.” She shook her head. “You lied to me.”

  Devesh inhaled and clamped down on his response, but a few unspoken words hung between them. And so have you.

  “To be honest, I didn’t fully understand what you were asking,” he admitted threading his fingers through his hair. “I thought it meant I had time to show you …” He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes as though to get his bearings. “To get you to a place where you could love me. Again.”

  Reign’s jaw dropped, but she quickly recovered and stiffened her shoulders.

  “I thought I could court you properly.”

  “Like flowers and dinners?” she scoffed, almost laughed at that notion. “That’s not you.”

  “Woman, you don’t know what I’m capable of,” he shot back.

  That wiped the smile from her face.

  “We’ve waited nearly five years; a little while longer will be alright.” Devesh pressed a kissed to her temple. “But only a little while, Reign. I can only be patient for so long. Then I’m going to start playing dirty.”

  “Oh, and you’ve been above board all this time?” she said putting some space between them.

  “He warned me,” Devesh explained, putting a halting grip on her upper arms. “Warned me that if there was a sliver of a chance with you, he would take it. That man wants you in the worst way.” Devesh moved closer, effectively trapping her by invading her space. “What he fails to understand is … I. Want. You. More.”

  Her mouth went instantly dry. She’d never seen this side of him, almost feral, dominating, possessive. “You’re not playing fair.”

  “Question though …” Then he smiled. It wasn’t nearly as pleasant as she remembered. “Do you really want me to?”

  That kiss. That damnable kiss came to mind, along with her response to him.

  “I’m hard-pressed to know how you love him,” Devesh said so only she could hear. “When it’s obvious that deep in this pla
ce right here.” He gently placed a hand over her heart. “You love me.”

  Reign averted her eyes. Her breathing came in uneven measures, when she looked back he smiled and finished with, “I’m just waiting for the rest of you to get that memo.”

  She trembled, and he had to wonder if it was from fear? No, it was need. He recognized that because his was so strong, it took every ounce of strength for him to sleep next to her night after night and not have her. It was creating a pain so physical it sent him to work out, take a cold shower, and straight to the Puja. Not exactly in that order.

  “I will wait for you,” he whispered, directly in her ear.

  “You don’t have to do that,” she confessed as though nothing he had said made any difference. “You can still be with Amy.”

  “Why? So you won’t feel guilty about being with him?” He waved away that thought with a dismissive hand. “I take my vows to you seriously. I will not be with any woman but you. You know how I feel, you will have to make the first move, Reign.”

  She looked away for a split second, trying to collect herself.

  “I love you, Reign,” he whispered. “You are enough. You. Are. Enough.”

  Devesh saw the moment her eyes glazed over with unshed tears. Then she steeled herself, lifted her chin while an icy resolve shuttered her expression.

  She did not believe him? Even now?

  Patience, Devesh, patience. She is your wife now.

  Sweeping her down the aisle and getting her to say “I do” was the first obstacle. Keeping her in that position of happily being his wife was going to be the challenge.

  “Everything in its time,” he said.

  “You believe that?”

  “I most certainly do,” he replied, extending his hand to her. “Come, my love.

  Reign hesitated only a brief moment before placing her hand within his and joining his family for dinner.

  Chapter 12