The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

‘Okay?’ he asked.

  ‘Perfect.’ She could hardly speak.

  He studied her for a moment, his look one of uncertainty peppered with anxiety. ‘I’m glad you found the service satisfactory,’ he said, after a second. Then, smiling that smile that didn’t reach his eyes, he eased away from her, climbed off the bed, discarded the used condom and proceeded to get dressed.

  ‘Sienna,’ Nathaniel called as she walked from the car park. ‘Are you all right?’ He caught up with her as she neared her cottage.

  ‘Yes, fine,’ she said, forcing a smile. ‘I just, um, have to feed Tobias.’

  ‘Are you sure? You seem a bit … down.’ He looked her over, his brow furrowed in concern.

  ‘Yes, honestly.’ Sienna dropped her gaze. She was sure she must be blushing to the tips of her ears. Her nose was probably red, too. She always looked like a clown when she’d been crying. He promised not to, and hadn’t hurt her, far from it, right up until that awful gibe about satisfactory service, his moving so pointedly away from her. She hadn’t expected cuddles, not really. She hadn’t expected whispered endearments. She hadn’t expected him to get calmly dressed without looking back at her, though; to find him waiting by the front door with his keys in his hand when she went down.

  She shouldn’t have been surprised. She had been just another notch on his bedpost, after all. He needn’t have forced the point home, though.

  ‘Right, well, as long as you are,’ Nathaniel said, not sounding convinced.

  ‘I am,’ she assured him again. ‘Just tired. The heat, I think.’

  Nathaniel nodded thoughtfully, as she mustered up another smile and turned to go. ‘Sienna,’ he said behind her, ‘if you ever need to talk, you know where I am, right?’

  He’d missed his appointment. Didn’t matter much, Adam supposed. The lawn would still be there tomorrow. There would always be another woman awaiting his invaluable services. He shrugged and went to the fridge for a much-needed beer. Pulling the ring, he glugged it thirstily, noticing the tossed aside cushion over his can as he did so.

  Sighing, he walked across to retrieve it from the floor, and then swallowed, hard. ‘Dammit!’ he cursed, hurling the cushion across the boat, closely followed by his can. ‘Idiot!’ he berated himself, dropping down on the seat and burying his head in his hands.

  Why hadn’t he just stuck to his guns and let her go? What was the matter with him? Maybe it was no big deal, he tried to convince himself. At least this way she didn’t end up in bed with some prat who would hurt her and then walk away and not give a damn. But she had ended up in bed with a prat, hadn’t she?

  He really was a complete waste of space. What kind of man sleeps with other men’s wives, blithely sailing through life without caring about anyone? The kind of man a woman like Sienna should steer well clear of. A thousand virgins throwing themselves at his feet? Adam clenched his jaw angrily. No, Sienna, in actual fact, two, the second being you. The first? She would probably testify to what a great guy I am, too, if only she could.

  Well, that was that, he supposed. Any hope that he might have had a relationship with Sienna was gone. She hadn’t wanted that, though, had she? He certainly couldn’t blame her. So, where did he go from here? Was he really proposing to crash in on Lily-Grace’s life? Turn up out of the blue and turn her little world upside down? Father figure? Yeah right! Some father figure he’d be. About as inept as his own father, screwing around, pretending he was doing womankind a service. His brother, ditto. The psychiatrists had got it wrong. He wasn’t suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. He was delusional, dysfunctional; genetically programmed to be just like the rest of the men in his family.

  But … dear God – Adam prayed earnestly – he didn’t want to be.

  Feeling someone board the boat, Adam dragged his hands over his face and tried to compose himself. It was Nate, he guessed, from the considerable sway.

  ‘Happy now?’ Nathaniel said, coming down the steps.

  Adam pulled in a breath. ‘Delirious.’ He sighed.

  ‘You really do think you’re God’s gift, don’t you? Just couldn’t resist, could you, hey?’ Nathaniel seethed angrily, obviously pissed after seeing him drive by with Sienna and drawing conclusions. The right conclusions, as it happened.

  ‘Don’t worry, Nate.’ Adam wiped a hand over his eyes and got to his feet. ‘She only wanted me for my body.’

  ‘You are a complete bastard, do you know that?’ Nathaniel shouted, glowering at him.

  ‘I do, as it happens.’ Adam shrugged, heading back to the fridge. Drinking himself into a stupor seemed like a reasonable idea. At least then he wouldn’t have to keep contemplating just how much of a bastard he was. ‘Want one?’ he asked Nathaniel, helping himself to another beer.

  ‘No, I do not bloody well want one,’ Nathaniel fumed. ‘Why did you do it, Adam?’

  Adam closed his eyes. Because she asked me to, he didn’t try to explain.

  ‘Just because the only girl you ever cared about screwed around, doesn’t mean they all do, you know?’

  ‘Don’t, Nate.’ Adam shot him a warning glance. ‘Drop it, okay?’

  ‘Do you think you’re the only bloke in the world who got his heart broken?’ Nathaniel clearly wasn’t going to.

  ‘Nope.’ Adam sucked in a breath and took a swig of beer.

  ‘I mean, we’d all be a sad lot of bastards if we walked around doing what you do because of it, wouldn’t we?’

  ‘Nate, drop it.’ Adam sat down. It was hot in here. Too hot. He wiped the sweaty palm of his drink-free hand hard against his thigh.

  ‘Shagging every woman in sight and not giving a damn about any one of them!’

  ‘For God’s sake!’ Adam got back to his feet, crashing his beer can down hard on the work surface. ‘She slept with my brother, Nate! You know she did! You know all this. You know what happened. It’s history. Nothing to do with who I am now. Just leave it, will you?’

  ‘It’s everything to do with who you are now,’ Nathaniel said more quietly. ‘It’s about time you faced it, Adam. You need help, mate.’

  ‘I got help, Nate! It obviously didn’t help, though, did it? What I need now is for you to go,’ Adam said, breathing heavily.

  ‘Likewise,’ Nathaniel retorted, holding his gaze meaningfully, before turning away to head back up the steps. ‘Get your engine sorted, Adam. Or get this thing towed, I don’t care which. You need to move on.’

  ‘Oh, for … Nate!’ Adam dragged his hand through his hair and then followed him. ‘I can’t overhaul an engine in the middle of nowhere!’ he shouted after him. ‘I need electricity, access to the workshop.’

  Nathaniel turned back. ‘Should have thought about that before you decided to turn it into a knocking shop, shouldn’t you?’

  ‘Nate …?’

  Nathaniel shook his head and turned to walk off. ‘You have until the end of the week, Adam,’ he threw over his shoulder. ‘Move on. And do us all a favour, mate, don’t rush back.’

  Chapter Six

  Home from work early, Lauren had been as worried as Nathaniel when she clapped eyes on Sienna. Obviously it did show when you lost your virginity, in Sienna’s case anyway. Lauren’s cross-questioning, however, was cut short by the argument they couldn’t fail to overhear from Adam’s boat.

  ‘Oh, no.’ Sienna dashed to the window, her heart plummeting. He had to leave? Because of her? They hadn’t mentioned her by name, but … She shook her head, trying to make sense of some of what Nathaniel had said. What she’d heard Adam shout. His brother? What on earth? Not caring what reception she might get, Sienna flew out of the front door, to see Adam walking back towards the car park, his hand going through his hair, looking thoroughly dejected. She shouldn’t care. She shouldn’t. But she absolutely did.

  ‘It’s him you’re upset over, isn’t it?’ Lauren was by her side, wrapping an arm around her, as Sienna watched him go, stupid tears welling in her eyes, again.

  Sienna nodded feebly.

/>   ‘Come on.’ Lauren steered her gently back inside. ‘We need wine. We need girl-talk, and possibly a hit man.’

  One bottle on the table, one cooling in the fridge and glasses filled, Lauren seated herself opposite Sienna at the kitchen table. ‘Well?’

  Sienna took a sip of her wine and sniffed.

  Lauren handed her a tissue from the strategically placed box. ‘Did you sleep with him?’ she asked calmly.

  Sienna had a blow, while Lauren studied her over her glass. ‘Yes,’ she admitted, eventually.

  ‘Oh, my God!’ Lauren banged her drink down so hard the wine parted company with the glass. ‘Have you gone completely insane? Sienna! The man’s a one hundred per cent total slut!’

  ‘He has his good points,’ Sienna said in his defence.

  Lauren folded her arms. ‘Such as?’

  Knitting her brow, Sienna thought about it, and then, her shoulders drooping, she sighed heavily. She could hardy cite the fact that he’d given her the perfect orgasm three times as one of his good points, possibly his only good point.

  ‘You never had sex with anyone else, Sienna! Why would you even contemplate going anywhere near a man like him after what happened with your ex?’

  Sienna stared at her, astonished. ‘He’s nothing like him,’ she said, bewildered by the fact that Lauren could imagine he was. Sienna couldn’t even utter her ex’s name without feeling humiliated and ashamed. Every time she thought about him, heard her phone ping knowing it was him, fear clutched at her chest. She hadn’t been frightened of Adam. Nervous, yes, but not frightened the way she had been that night.

  ‘But he is,’ Lauren insisted. ‘Just like him. He’s taken what he wants, albeit he used a marginally less brutal approach, and now he’ll just move right on to his next victim.’

  ‘He is not! Adam would never make a woman feel like that. He isn’t capable of it. I know he isn’t.’

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake, Sienna, you have no idea what he’s capable of.’ Lauren blew out an audible sigh of despair.

  Yes I do, Sienna was about to say, but couldn’t, because actually she didn’t.

  ‘Why?’ Lauren continued to study her, astounded. ‘I mean, of all the men in all the world why would you choose someone who shags anything that breathes?’

  Shout it a bit louder, why don’t you? Sienna felt a blush creeping up her cheeks.

  ‘Because he is experienced,’ she pointed out. ‘And, whatever you think of him, I like him.’

  ‘Experienced!’ Lauren shot wine down her nose. ‘He’s experienced practically the whole female race, Sienna. This is what makes him a total bona fide bastard. If you were going to offer yourself on a plate, couldn’t you have done it to someone who would savour the dish?’

  Sienna flushed down to her toes, then slumped hurriedly down in her seat as an elderly boat owner passed by the window. ‘I suppose your first time was absolutely earth-movingly shattering, then, was it?’ Aware that the earth hadn’t moved for Lauren the first time, rather it had ground to an unsatisfactory halt, Sienna eyed her friend accusingly.

  Lauren reached for a tissue. ‘No,’ she admitted, wiping daintily, ‘it was all fingers and fumbles and a complete orgasmic wasteland, as you very well know, but that’s beside the point.’

  ‘That’s precisely the point.’ Sienna shuffled up a bit. ‘And for your information, he did savour it.’ She almost squirmed in her seat, recalling just how mind-blowingly gorgeously he had savoured her.

  Lauren’s eyes widened. ‘He did?’ She tried to sound only mildly interested.

  Sienna nodded, feeling a flush now of quiet triumph. ‘Three times.’

  ‘Three? Bloody hell.’ Lauren took a huge glug of wine. ‘Well, okay.’ She took another. ‘I suppose that’s a small plus in his favour. So, why the tears?’

  Sienna ran her finger around the rim of her glass. Good question. Hadn’t he given her exactly what she expected of him, and more?

  ‘You like him, you say?’ Lauren said, after a considered moment.

  Not sure whether it was a question or an accusation, Sienna hesitated, then took a breath and nodded.

  ‘Right, I’m going to ask you another question now, Sienna,’ Lauren reached for her hand across the table, ‘and I want you to answer me honestly.’

  Sienna squirmed again, wondering how intimate a question it might be.

  ‘Did he do cuddles?’

  Sienna sank back down in her seat. ‘No,’ she said, shaking her head forlornly.

  ‘A hit man.’ Lauren topped up their glasses. ‘We’ll Google one, preferably one whose weapon of choice is electrodes.’

  Adam drove around for a while after finishing up a job cleaning out someone’s guttering, which pretty much summed up his skills. He’d driven around a lot since he’d walked out after his blazing row with Nathaniel, slept a couple of nights in the car. It had given him time to think, where he’d fast come to the conclusion that he had nothing of substance in his life, no one of substance, apart from Nate. Nowhere to go, but here.

  Adam felt his heart sink as he walked through the door of the cottage. He did have a heart then, after all. He congratulated himself on finally finding it, but sorely wished he hadn’t. He didn’t want to do this ‘friends with benefits’ thing with Sherry. He’d thought it was an excellent idea at first. What bloke wouldn’t want to have sex on tap? Now, though, the idea didn’t seem quite so appealing.

  Checking his mobile to find no messages from Nicole in regard to his seeing Lily-Grace, which didn’t bode well after two weeks, he sighed and fetched a beer from the fridge, generously provided by Sherry. She’d stocked up: beer in the fridge, condoms in the bedside drawer. He’d been confounded when he’d come across the pregnancy test kit in the next drawer down, until Sherry had confirmed she and her husband had resumed relations. Fair enough, Adam had thought. She obviously wanted children whether the husband did or not. That was none of his business. He’d been somewhat concerned at the sex toys he’d also noticed, figuring she obviously still wanted to maintain ‘relations’ with him.

  Adam swilled back his beer contemplatively. He hadn’t wanted to do any of that with Sienna. He could imagine doing it, all and any of it, if she asked him to. Or none of it, if she didn’t enjoy it. He hadn’t been having sex with her. He had been making love to her. And he’d wanted to see her, all of her, not just body bits. To see what she might be feeling. He’d thought he had seen; it was there in her eyes.

  And what had he done afterwards? He’d pulled on his clothes and left her in the bed on her own. Why? Why had he done that? To protect her feelings? No, to protect his own. Selfish bastard.

  So, what should he do? Tell Sherry the truth and get out of town, he supposed. Nate had made it clear he didn’t want him around. Sienna certainly wouldn’t want to see him again. She’d been crying on the drive home. Quietly, her face turned away, hoping he wouldn’t see. But she had been, and it had cracked his heart wide open. Yet he’d hardly said a word. He hadn’t even walked her back to her cottage. Lived right up to his reputation, hadn’t he?

  Nate was right. He needed help. And he did need to move on, for everyone’s sake: Lily-Grace’s, Sienna’s. It would be pretty difficult to move on without his boat, though, and there was no way his current finances would allow him to get the engine and electrical circuits up to scratch. He’d definitely need to replace some of the old wiring, if he was going to run everything from the batteries. Dammit, he really could do with staying at the marina where he had access to the workshop and mains, for a while at least.

  Pondering, he headed to the fridge to fetch another beer. He was beginning to lose track of how much booze he was getting through lately. Too much, he guessed, determined to ignore the sudden cloud of sadness that enveloped him as he returned to the lounge and the shadowy figure that beckoned him from the front door. Emily, again, no doubt here to remind him that making her cry wasn’t the way to win a girl’s heart.

  Sienna declined the beer Nathaniel off
ered her. ‘I’ve been having a few too many wines lately,’ she confessed, a bit guiltily.

  ‘Medicinal purposes?’ Nathaniel enquired, raising an eyebrow.

  Sienna nodded. He knew, she suspected, what had happened between her and Adam. Probably because he seemed to know Adam better than anyone, which is why, after moping around the last few days, she’d taken up his invitation to ‘talk’.

  ‘Me too.’ He gave her a smile of commiseration and poured himself a beer.

  ‘Nate, can I ask you something,’ Sienna started hesitantly, ‘about Adam?’

  ‘He drinks too many of these, for a start,’ Nathaniel said, puffing out an agitated breath and seating himself at his desk. ‘Have a seat, Sienna, I don’t really bite.’ He softened his tone, as she fiddled nervously with a strand of her hair.

  ‘Thanks.’ She took up his offer gratefully. ‘About the argument you and he were having the other day…’

  Nathaniel looked uncomfortable.

  ‘… about his history.’

  ‘I said more than I ought to, Sienna.’ Nathaniel now looked very uncomfortable. ‘You should ask Adam.’

  ‘Please, Nate. I need to understand.’ Sienna looked at him imploringly.

  Nathaniel regarded her thoughtfully. ‘Yes,’ he said with a lengthy sigh, ‘I imagine you probably do. It didn’t come from me, though, okay? He prefers to keep his business to himself, Sienna, so don’t quote me.’

  ‘I won’t,’ Sienna promised. She wasn’t sure she’d ever have a proper conversation with Adam again after their no-conversation journey on the way home from the cottage and the fact that she hadn’t seen him since, but she needed to try to understand a little about why he was like he was. ‘What happened, Nate, with his brother?’

  Nathaniel debated, taking another dink as he did, and then drew in a breath. ‘Adam found his girlfriend in bed with him,’ he said bluntly. ‘His fiancée, to be precise.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ Sienna clamped a hand to her mouth.

  ‘It gets worse, I’m afraid.’ Nathaniel hesitated, looking her over again. ‘Turns out she was pregnant.’