The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

Sienna gulped back a hard lump in her throat. ‘I missed my period,’ she said quietly, slow tears sliding down her cheeks. She didn’t look up. She didn’t dare. She didn’t want to see yet more condemnation of Adam. ‘Please don’t say anything horrible. Please don’t ask me how. We did use precautions. I … don’t know what happened.’

  Obviously stunned, Lauren didn’t say anything for a second, and then, ‘You’re pregnant?’ she spluttered.

  Sienna heard her bedroom door squeak open. Tobias, she thought, looking past a thunderstruck Lauren. Come to offer the kind of comfort only a dog can and not stare at her with horrified, admonishing … Oh, no. Sienna closed her eyes, feeling sick now to the very depths of her soul.

  ‘You’re what?’ her father said, standing tall in the doorway, his face pale and his eyes utterly horrified.

  ‘OhmyGod!’ Lauren shot off the bed as Sienna looked from her father to her accusingly.

  ‘Oh, Lauren …’ Sienna peeled her gaze away from her, attempting to heave herself out of bed.

  ‘I didn’t phone him, Sienna. Honestly, I didn’t,’ Lauren said, reaching to help her.

  Sienna met her eyes. How could she? How could she? Now of all times?

  Lauren obviously read the disappointment in hers. ‘He was on the phone when you fell overboard, Sienna! What was I supposed to do? Tell him you’d popped out for a swim?’

  Sienna plopped back down on the bed. What did she do? What could she say? She couldn’t look at her dad; couldn’t bear to see the disillusionment she would be bound to see in his eyes. She gulped back another tear, and another. God! She wished she bloody well had drowned.

  Crying in earnest now, big fat choking sobs, she felt the bed dip beside her, a strong arm slide around her. ‘Come on, sweetheart,’ her father said emotionally. ‘Worse things happen.’

  Sienna blinked at him, bewildered. He looked shocked, his ruddy tan faded white, and, yes, there was disillusionment there, but most of all concern.

  ‘We know they do, don’t we?’ He gave her shoulders a reassuring squeeze. ‘It’s not the end of the world.’

  Sienna nodded snottily. They did. He’d lived through much worse things. And yet, he’d forced himself on, stayed strong, for her. Always there. Playing father and mother, worrying about her; trying to offer her a shoulder, even though she’d been adamant she didn’t need one. She wanted to be independent, wanted to be on her own. But she didn’t, not emotionally. Everyone needs someone. Sienna snorted back another sob and relaxed into a much-needed hug. Over-protective he might be, but she loved him, absolutely, and it was about time she made more effort to make sure he knew it.

  ‘Adam, could you please open up, before I die of hypothermia?’

  Blimey, she was persistent. Adam sighed and parked his glass on the work surface. After almost having a heart attack out there, the last thing he needed was killer-look-Lauren reading him the riot act, presumably what she’d come to do, but he supposed he had better let her in. At least she’d be able to tell him how Sienna was, before she told him exactly what she thought of him.

  He was surprised, actually, that she’d risk coming anywhere near him, given his reputation. ‘Lauren.’ He smiled tightly, opening up the doors. ‘What can I do for you – apart from dive back in and make sure to drown?’

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Lauren said, coming down the steps as he moved back to allow her access, ‘we are feeling sorry for ourselves, aren’t we?’

  Adam ignored that. ‘Watch the steps,’ he said. ‘They tend to be slippery.’

  ‘Thoughtful, aren’t you?’ Lauren looked him over narrowly as she came into the seating area.

  That was a double entendre if ever Adam heard one. ‘No comment,’ he opted for his right to silence when faced with a loaded question, a policy he’d adopted right up until his last police interview.

  ‘I brought you some soup,’ Lauren said, her unnerving gaze going from him to the bag she was carrying.

  ‘Come again?’ Adam thought he must have misheard. Soup? What, spiked with cyanide?

  ‘Soup,’ Lauren repeated, bringing a flask from the bag. ‘I thought it would warm you up after your bracing swim, but I see you already have something.’ She glanced pointedly to the tumbler, which was half full of whisky.

  Adam shrugged indifferently. ‘Any objections?’ After seeing Sienna under that water, her beautiful eyes wild and terrified, the life-breath about to drain out of her, he really had needed a medicinal drink. He’d needed several, not that it was anybody’s business but his.

  ‘No, no objections,’ Lauren assured him, placing the flask next to the glass. ‘If you want to drink yourself to death, feel free.’

  Adam laughed derisively. ‘Cheers,’ he said, retrieving the whisky and taking a drink.

  ‘Can I ask you something before you do, though?’

  ‘Ask away,’ he said, taking a seat. He wasn’t exactly at death’s door yet, no doubt to many people’s disappointment, but he was beginning to feel a touch unsteady on his feet. ‘As long as you don’t mind me not answering if it’s anything to do with trumped up charges.’ He took another swig.

  ‘It’s not. Do you mind if I sit?’

  ‘Not if you don’t mind who you’re sitting next to,’ Adam quipped.

  ‘Very cheerful, aren’t you, considering.’ Lauren perched herself on the seat next to him.

  ‘No, Lauren, not cheerful,’ Adam assured her, taking another slug of whisky. ‘Definitely not that. So?’ He waited for whatever question she had, which was bound to be a prequel to her suggesting he didn’t go within a mile of Sienna ever again.

  Lauren gazed around. ‘It’s a bit of a mess in here,’ she observed.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You should open the curtains.’

  ‘Better left closed when you’re on a par with the local fairground attraction. Lauren, did you have a question? It’s just that I’m a bit busy right now.’

  ‘So I see.’ Lauren eyed his drink pointedly again. ‘Do you care about her?’ she asked suddenly as Adam was trying to work out how to politely ask her to leave.

  That caught him off guard. Adam looked at her curiously. Another loaded question, he wondered. Probably, but … ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘very much.’

  ‘Do you love her?’

  Adam hesitated, not sure how much he should admit to, and then nodded.

  ‘How much?’ Lauren shuffled around to face him.

  Here it came. Enough to get out of her life, he guessed would be next. But then, he was already, wasn’t he? Did it matter what he said, then? Adam supposed not. ‘Enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her,’ he said, contemplating the contents of his glass. ‘Not much chance of that now, is there?’

  He looked back at Lauren, fully expecting a maybe you should stop ruining her life instead comment, but Lauren just nodded and got to her feet.

  ‘Is that it?’ Adam asked as she headed for the door.

  ‘For now, yes.’

  ‘Right.’ Adam watched her go, perplexed. ‘Lauren,’ he said, standing up as she mounted the steps, ‘is she okay?’

  Lauren hesitated. ‘Still a bit shocked,’ she said finally, ‘but, yes, she’s okay.’

  ‘Good.’ Adam breathed, relieved. ‘Lauren,’ he stopped her again, ‘will you tell her …’ What? That he was sorry for the pain he’d caused her? The uncertainty? Sleeping with her? The two former he was. The latter? His only regret was that it wouldn’t happen again. He couldn’t say any of that to Lauren. ‘Tell her thanks,’ he said lamely instead, ‘for batting in my corner when nobody else would.’

  Lauren considered. ‘You should tell her yourself,’ she suggested, ‘but not tonight. Her dad’s visiting. And not when you’ve been drowning your sorrows in that.’ She nodded at his glass. ‘Her dad doesn’t drink. He’d probably skin you alive if you rolled up drunk to talk to his daughter.’

  Adam had a sneaking suspicion he probably would however he turned up. ‘One last thing.’ He stopped her again. He hadn�
��t been going to say anything, assuming that most people’s opinion of him wouldn’t change, based on the no smoke without fire theory, but … ‘Did you know?’

  ‘Know what?’ Lauren looked at him as if she didn’t relish having to know anything about him.

  ‘That the charges had been dropped?’

  Lauren now looked stunned.

  ‘She retracted her statement,’ Adam went on cautiously, aware that a woman retracting her statement might make people wonder why. ‘I thought you must have found out somehow.’ Because you’re being almost nice to me, he didn’t add.

  ‘No, I didn’t. Why did she?’ Lauren asked the inevitable.

  ‘Not under duress,’ Adam stated categorically. ‘Texts she sent me, it cast doubt on the allegations. The police decided it wasn’t worth investigating.’ He didn’t elaborate further.

  Lauren looked him over for a long moment, her mouth eventually curving into something resembling a smile, nothing earth-shattering, but definitely a smile. ‘Talk to Sienna, Adam,’ she said. ‘Tell her how you feel. You need to.’

  With that Lauren departed, leaving Adam puzzled. If she didn’t know the charges had been dropped, did that mean she didn’t think he was the biggest piece of scum that ever walked the earth?

  Shaking his head, he pondered, and then shook it again as Nathaniel appeared, obviously beaming himself onto Adam’s deck as Lauren had left. With his ghost permanently floating about, it was beginning to get very crowded in the small confines of Adam’s cabin.

  ‘Everything all right?’ Nathaniel asked, eyeing him curiously as he came on down.

  ‘Yes, Nate.’ Adam sighed. ‘The lady’s virtue is intact.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’ Nathaniel puffed out a sigh. ‘I heard about the incident earlier. I just wondered if you were all right, that’s all.’

  ‘Getting there,’ Adam said, still pondering why anyone should care.

  ‘Looks like it.’ Nathaniel nodded at the whisky bottle, not looking very impressed. He looked around then, at the general clutter Adam had let build up. ‘This place is a dump, mate,’ he commented. ‘You need to clean it up.’

  ‘I know. I will.’ Adam poured himself another drink, a shorter one this time. ‘Why do you care, Nate?’ he asked, eyeing his friend bemusedly. ‘I mean, why do you give a damn?’

  ‘Because I’m a bigger idiot than you are, obviously.’ Nathaniel shrugged good-naturedly. ‘Someone’s got to, haven’t they? They won’t if you don’t, though, Adam.’

  Sienna knew she was being unfair, about to ask her dad a question that he couldn’t answer honestly without giving her cause to think he might have regretted having her. He had been a little older than her, twenty-five when he became responsible for another life, but three years didn’t make much difference in the great scheme of things. If he could, then she could. She wasn’t even sure she was pregnant yet, though all the signs were there. She wasn’t sure how things would turn out, whether Adam might be the slightest bit interested.

  She recalled the terrible situation with his fiancée; the baby. Adam hadn’t even known whether he was the father. Had he ever found out? Had he traced the child? Been in contact? Sienna felt she knew some of the awfulness of what had happened, after Adam had opened up a little, but she didn’t know the whole story. He hadn’t told her. She couldn’t help wondering, however, even though they’d been as intimate as it was possible for two people to be physically, that maybe he really couldn’t do emotional intimacy. He’d closed part of himself off and Sienna understood why. She didn’t find it easy to share either, with strangers, people she didn’t trust.

  She was hardly a stranger, though, and if he didn’t feel he could trust her … He might never trust anyone again, she could understand that too, but without trust a relationship could never flourish. It was the very foundation relationships were built on.

  Sienna pulled in a shuddery breath. She’d have to tell him, eventually. She would. Whatever his reaction though, there was one thing she knew for certain; if she didn’t keep this baby she would regret it, bitterly. If Adam wasn’t interested, so be it. At least she would have given him the choice. How she’d tell him when he was barely ever seen lately and then barely ever sober …? She’d just have to cross that bridge when she came to it.

  Looking across to her father sitting in the armchair, who’d been quietly studying her she realised, she steeled herself to ask, ‘Do you think I’ll regret it, Dad?’

  Understanding the question, her dad sighed long and hard. ‘We’re all different, Sienna,’ he finally said. ‘I didn’t regret it, if that’s what you’re asking.’

  Sienna searched his face. ‘Never?’

  ‘Not even when you were working at being the world’s stroppiest teenager.’ Her dad managed a smile. Sienna felt so ashamed that she’d almost reduced this big, strapping man to tears with her news. ‘Things were difficult, Sienna, as you know, with your mum’s illness,’ her dad went on, ‘but there was never a day when either of us regretted having you. You were always wanted.’

  Sienna was hesitant. ‘But not planned?’ She watched him carefully, aware that she’d been ‘a surprise baby’. A lovely surprise her mum had always said, but still she’d been young, too. Sienna couldn’t help wondering.

  Her dad’s brow furrowed. For obvious reasons he was reticent to answer. ‘Not planned, no,’ he eventually said, his smile now a little on the sad side. Because he’d guessed where this was leading, Sienna knew. ‘You’ve made up your mind then? You’re definitely going to have it?’ he asked gently.

  Sienna nodded thoughtfully, and then more decisively. ‘Yes. Definitely.’

  ‘Can I ask why?’ he probed a little deeper.

  ‘Because I’ll regret not having it,’ Sienna answered as honestly as she could. He would understand, Sienna knew that too. He was hurting. It was obvious in his eyes, but he would understand.

  Her dad nodded slowly in turn, as if he’d already reconciled himself to it. ‘A baby is a huge commitment, Sienna,’ he warned her, ‘full-time, twenty-four seven, and for life.’

  ‘I know.’ Sienna stroked Tobias as he rested his snout faithfully on her lap. It wouldn’t be like taking care of a not-so-well-trained dog, she knew that, but Sienna was sure she could care for a child as much as a child needed to be cared for, that she would love that child unconditionally. She already did.

  ‘Particularly without a partner’s input,’ her dad added as if reading her thoughts. ‘He doesn’t know yet, you say, the father?’

  ‘No.’ Sienna shook her head, adamant he wouldn’t, at least for now.

  ‘And you’re not ready to introduce me to him?’ Her dad looked her over with a mixture of suspicion and worry.

  ‘Not yet, no.’ In truth Sienna wondered if she ever could.

  ‘I take it you think he might not be interested, then?’

  ‘I honestly don’t know, Dad. We’ve only … We haven’t known each other that long.’

  ‘Long enough, obviously,’ he said, not quite able to hide his annoyance. ‘Right,’ he said with a sigh, ‘well, if you’re sure it’s what you want, Sienna, I’ll be there. You know I will. However, if the bastard isn’t interested, at least enough to support you financially, he’ll have me to answer to. Tell him that when you pass on my regards, will you?’

  Adam was bleary-eyed when he finally managed to answer the door the next morning. ‘Yes?’ he said, squinting to focus on the father and the two brats who’d lobbed his lifebelts into the water. The older one had pissed up the side of his boat, too. Adam had seen him, but knew from the father’s hostile glances that any attempt to do anything about it would only incite violence, him on the receiving end of it. He wished he had done something, though, seeing Sienna go into that water.

  ‘They’ve come to apologise,’ the guy said. ‘Haven’t you boys?’

  Apologise? Blimey. Adam glanced from the father to the two belligerent-faced youths, bemused.

  ‘Haven’t you boys?’ T
he father placed a hand on the back of each of the boys’ necks and squeezed.

  ‘Dad, geddoff,’ the older one said. ‘That hurts.’

  ‘Not half as much as it will if you don’t do as you’re told,’ the guy growled in his ear. ‘Now, say you’re sorry boys.’ Forcing a smile, he looked back to Adam.

  ‘Sorry!’ the boys both blurted together, obviously under a bit more pressure.

  Adam raised his eyebrows. ‘Apology accepted,’ he said, though he had an idea the ‘boys’ might not be quite such sweetness and light once their old man’s back was turned.

  ‘Right, get back over there and get busy with buckets,’ the guy said, pointing them back to his boat, which they’d obviously been allocated cleaning duties of.

  His sons dispatched, the guy turned back to Adam. ‘We’re not thrilled about having your sort moored here, you’ve no doubt gathered that, but I don’t condone what they did, just so you know.’

  Right, cheers, Adam thought, as the guy climbed off his boat, having delivered the most insincere apology he’d ever heard in his life.

  Sighing, he closed the door, glancing towards Sienna’s cottage, as he did, and got the biggest fright he’d ever had in his life. The man emerging from the front door was at least six-two, and built like a brick outhouse. If that was her father and he found out what he’d been doing with his daughter, Adam had a feeling he’d most definitely be fish food.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was now or never. Adam braced himself to walk into the pub, and then wondered whether to about-face and walk straight back out again. This time the vibes were palpable. There wasn’t so much a lull in the conversation as deadly silence, all heads turning in his direction. Adam tried to avoid the open stares as he made his way to the bar. The sneers, though, he couldn’t avoid hearing. The village drums clearly hadn’t yet dispatched the latest instalment of his life, then.

  ‘Scum,’ one of the gang of thugs muttered as he passed.

  Yep, definitely a problem with the old grapevine, Adam decided, righting himself on his feet after tripping over the leg the guy ‘accidentally’ stuck out in front of him.