The Rest of My Life

by Sheryl Browne

  Doubting she’d want to hear his explanations and not blaming her, Adam glanced around at their eager, variously injured audience, realising that, yet again, he seemed to be providing the entertainment. ‘Is there somewhere we could talk?’ he asked, desperate to say what he’d come to.

  ‘Adam, this is an Accident and Emergency department. We have emergencies to attend to.’ Nicole splayed her hands, demonstrating thus. ‘I don’t have time.’

  ‘Nicole, please hear me out,’ Adam called as she turned back towards the cubicles.

  ‘Why?’ Nicole turned around. ‘Why should I, Adam? She’s just a child. You let her down! She’s too young to understand, thank God, but what about in another two years? You can’t just flit into her life when it suits you. You could do irreparable damage.’

  ‘I know.’ Adam eyed her levelly. ‘That’s the last thing I’d want to do, Nicole. I just—’

  ‘She lost her mum, Adam! Don’t you think she’ll have enough to deal with?’

  ‘I know! Of course I bloody well know, Nicole.’ Adam agitatedly kneaded his temples, then sighed and studied the ceiling. ‘That’s why I’m here, Nicole,’ he said, more calmly. ‘Why I think it’s important I make contact. My life is a mess. It has been since Emily died. I’m trying to do something about it.’

  Nicole folded the arms again. ‘Trying?’

  ‘Trying,’ Adam answered honestly. ‘I ran away, Nicole. I know I did. I convinced myself seeing Lily-Grace, acknowledging she might not be mine, would be too painful. I was wrong. This is too painful. Not seeing her, knowing how painful it will be for her when she’s old enough to wonder whether her parents cared about her. I do care, Nicole. It doesn’t matter whether she’s mine or not. I feel her, in here.’

  Adam punched a hand against his heart. He closed his eyes. He didn’t know what else to say. He was a mess. He knew he was. Definitely needed more help than he’d thought he did, feeling the emotions of some ethereal being that no one else could see. But didn’t that child deserve to know he did care? If he wasn’t her father, he was her uncle, and that was the one thought that really did pain him. He’d got past it though. He had acknowledged it, finally.

  Nicole studied him. ‘So, why didn’t you turn up?’ she asked finally. Her tone was weary, her expression wary.

  ‘I … got detained,’ Adam said, not wanting to dramatise it. Definitely not wanting to appear to be seeking sympathy, given how and why he’d got detained.

  Nicole sighed and shook her head. ‘Goodbye, Adam.’ She turned away.

  Adam drew in a breath. ‘By someone’s husband,’ he admitted, embarrassed. He could have lied, but lies had a habit of catching up with you. He’d learned that much.

  Nicole turned back. Arms still folded, eyebrows raised.

  Adam shrugged, despondent. ‘Hospital food’s not great, is it?’

  Nicole cocked her head curiously to one side.

  ‘I’ve made some mistakes, Nicole. Big mistakes. I won’t do that where Lily-Grace is concerned. I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want to take her away from you. I just want her to know …’ Adam stopped, running a hand over his neck. ‘I loved Emily.’ He swallowed and pushed on. ‘I wasn’t there when she needed me. I want to be there should her child ever need me, that’s all.’

  Nicole looked him over, long and hard. She didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’d better go,’ Adam said, concluding she’d prefer him to. ‘Leave you to attend to your patients.’

  ‘I know you loved her,’ Nicole said quietly as he turned away. ‘I just want what’s right for Lily.’

  Adam stopped. ‘Me too.’ He shrugged, turning back.

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  Adam swallowed, and nodded. ‘Thanks, Nicole.’

  ‘I’ll be in touch. Make sure to pick up this time,’ she warned him as he headed towards the exit.

  ‘I will,’ he assured her, then smiled as an old lady reached for his hand, squeezed it and said, ‘Well done, son.’

  Adam hadn’t been able to stay in his hotel room. The memories it evoked were just far too damn painful. Parking himself in the hotel bar to escape being shut in his room hadn’t been such a good idea. Buying a bottle to help wash away the memories wasn’t a great idea either. Walking back to the marina in the dead of night in the pouring rain had definitely been a bad idea. Pulling his jacket tight around himself, Adam looked over to Sienna’s cottage again from where he sat on a wall in the car park; sat very damply on a wall in the car park.

  So what did he do now?

  Get sober. The much-neglected sensible part of his brain kicked in. Get a life and be the kind of man Sienna does deserve. Which might also mean he’d be the kind of man a child would benefit from having in her life.

  Adam sighed. Plenty of Dutch courage inside him, he’d intended to just go right on over and knock on the cottage door. Face the wrath of her father, beg Sienna’s forgiveness for his stupidity, for hurting her so badly; beg her for another chance, grovel if he had to. Now he’d finally managed to register through his haze what time it was, that didn’t seem to be one of his better ideas either.

  Should he text her? He would, he decided. The worst that could happen is she’d send him a succinct two word text back, beginning ‘f’ and ‘o’. Searching for his phone, he fumbled it from his pocket and realised he’d received an incoming text. Hopefully, Adam checked it and his heart sank. ‘When I said tell her how you feel, I didn’t mean that. You’re a total shit. Lauren.’

  Dammit! Adam squeezed his eyes closed. What did he think Sienna was going to do when he’d dumped her out of the blue? As if what had happened between them meant nothing, when it meant everything? Say cheers, nice knowing you but not that nice, and then go off and find someone else? Idiot! He cursed himself. What did she ever see in him? Adam really couldn’t fathom. Why would a girl like Sienna choose him? Someone who was so determined happy endings didn’t exist he’d make sure they didn’t? Because love isn’t choosy. Nathaniel was right. She did love him, Adam was sure. She might have doubted him over the assault thing, had every right to doubt him. She could never doubt him as much as he doubted himself, but … God, he really was a prize prat.

  Squinting, he re-read Lauren’s text and clumsily thumbed in a reply.

  Is her did sill there?

  No clue what he’d do if he was, what he’d do if he wasn’t, Adam rested his head against the wall he was now propped against and waited, then breathed a sigh of relief when his phone pinged a reply.

  Yes and if u can’t spell u’d better not come here. L.

  What? Adam checked his message. She was right. He couldn’t even see to text straight. Twit. Berating himself, Adam hesitated, and then, figuring he’d got nothing to lose except everything, he risked phoning Lauren instead. He needed to know. If there was any chance at all Sienna still wanted him …

  ‘What are you doing?’ Lauren rasped in his ear.

  ‘Phoning,’ Adam supplied, then righted himself, realising he was reeling to one side.

  ‘Wait,’ Lauren said crisply.

  Didn’t have a lot of choice really, did he?

  ‘What?’ she came back on. ‘And make it quick, Adam. I’ve had to come outside the cottage.’

  ‘Oh, yep, right. I can see you, just about.’

  ‘I’m surprised you can see anything at all. You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?’

  ‘I, er … Yes, a bit.’

  ‘A lot,’ Lauren huffed. ‘You really are completely bloody hopeless, aren’t you?’

  ‘You say the nicest things, Lauren. D’y’know that?’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Erm … around.’

  ‘Well, you’d better not come around here like that, Adam. I mean it. Sienna’s dad is not a happy man.’

  ‘No, I know.’ Adam tried again to straighten himself up, scowling at his unworldly hovering companion as he did, who also seemed to be despairing of him. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt her, Lauren, I swear. I just
… I don’t know. You’re right, that’s the thing. I am hopeless. I love her, but—’

  ‘You know, for a man so determined – and you must be to have bedded the entire female race – I really thought you had more spunk, Adam. Fight for her, if you want her! Sort yourself out, get help if you need to, and bloody well tell her! I’ve got to go. I’ll see you whenever, if her dad doesn’t catch sight of you first.’

  Adam picked up his bottle of whisky as Lauren rang off. Liquid nectar. He swirled the amber contents around. Liquid poison, he corrected himself, tipped the bottle upside-down and ditched it.

  Sienna was tucked up in bed with Tobias when she heard him. Was it him? Hardly daring to breathe, she cocked an ear and listened.

  ‘Sienna!’ She heard again. It was! Scrambling out of bed, much to her dog’s chagrin, Sienna flew to the window and yanked it open.

  ‘Sienna,’ Adam shouted from down below. ‘I love you!’

  Oh, no. Sienna closed her eyes, realising her dad was outside her front door, looking from Adam and then up to her, astounded.

  ‘I love you, Sienna!’ Adam repeated, loudly.

  Sienna peeled an eye open, risking another peek at the inebriated man, declaring his love for her in the rain. Oh God, he was swaying on his feet. He wasn’t even facing the right window.

  ‘I love your mind,’ Adam went on, now addressing the entire boatyard, including Lauren, who’d joined her at the window, and Nathaniel, who’d appeared, bewildered and bleary-eyed, from the chandlery.

  ‘I love your body.’ Adam stopped and glanced down at his feet. ‘God, I love your body,’ he reiterated, throatily.

  Lauren sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘Perfect. Well done, Adam.’

  ‘I love you, Sienna! I don’t not want you. I don’t not want you more than anything in my entire life. I’ll sort myself out. I promise!’ Adam went on determinedly – and drunkenly, turning around and heading in the vague direction of his boat. ‘No more booze, no more women, no more … anything.’

  Pausing, Adam stopped, and turned back. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, more quietly. ‘If you don’t want me, Sienna, I don’t blame you. Totally, absolutely undersh … under … get it.’ With which Adam turned to reach for his handrail, and missed it.

  Jolting awake as something pressed heavily down on his chest, Adam coughed and spluttered, puking up a bellyful of river, as he did.

  ‘I see you’re back with us,’ the man looming over him, looking mightily unimpressed, said. ‘David Meadows, Sienna’s father,’ he introduced himself, smiling the kind of smile an executioner who enjoyed his job might. ‘I’ve promised Sienna I’m not going to break your legs. If I’m going to keep that promise, your explanations had better be good.’

  The boat dipping violently to one side was nauseating this time. Adam rolled over onto his back wondering if he did manage to make it to the bathroom whether he’d have anything left to actually bring up. He’d heaved last night until he was sure he’d turned his stomach inside out. Yet again, he thanked his lucky stars for Nathaniel, who’d rescued him from Sienna’s father, who looked all too ready to carry out his threat to hurt him – in a permanently disabling sort of way.

  Sienna’s father. Oh, hell. Draping an arm over his face, Adam groaned inwardly and tried to remember some of what he’d actually said. Any of what he’d said.

  ‘Awake at last, are we?’ Nathaniel enquired, sounding not too pleased as he lumbered down the steps.

  ‘I think I might be dead,’ Adam mumbled.

  ‘If Sienna’s father has his way, dead you might well be,’ Nathaniel warned him, tersely.

  Nope, definitely not pleased, Adam gathered by the tone of his voice. Feeling guilty and more hung-over than he could ever remember being, he waited for Nathaniel to commence the sermon, starting with his usual observation that he was a complete prat, but none was forthcoming. Curious, Adam peeled his arm away from his protesting eyes and blinked up at his friend, to see Nathaniel looking dispassionately down at him.

  ‘You’re on your own this time, Adam,’ Nathaniel said flatly, his expression unflinching.

  He meant it, Adam realised. With some effort, he raised himself to sitting, swinging his legs around in hopes his feet might find floor. Whether he could stand up on them was a whole other matter. ‘I, er, think I owe you an apology,’ he said, closing one eye and squinting back at Nathaniel.

  ‘Save it, Adam. I’ve heard it all before. Never has any substance to it, does it?’ Nathaniel pushed his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

  ‘Right.’ Adam now felt very guilty. He dropped his gaze and raked his hands through his hair.

  ‘If you can manage to stagger as far as the kettle, you’ll need plenty of black coffee.’ Nathaniel turned back towards the door. ‘And I suggest you take a long shower and a good, hard look at yourself, once you’re compos, Adam. There are one or two other people you do owe an apology to – and this time you’d better bloody well mean it. My office, one hour. Sienna’s dad wants a word.’

  Adam had an idea Sienna’s dad might impart two words, actually, and given his diabolical performance last night, his unforgivable treatment of his daughter, the man had every right to. Daunted at the task ahead, and very much doubting any kind of apology would be accepted, Adam tested his legs and got shakily to his feet.

  Coffee, he instructed himself, trying to still the sway underneath him which was nothing to do with the natural ebb and flow of the river. He’d never touch another drop of whisky ever again, he vowed, searching through the general debris for painkillers, which he doubted would make a dent in the mother of all headaches he’d deservedly got. No booze, full stop.

  Did he mean that, though? Or was this another half-hearted attempt to climb back on the wagon? Noting the slight shake to his hand as he swallowed down the tablets with a pint of cold water, Adam cursed himself liberally. He was an idiot. A total bloody idiot. He hadn’t been running away from his past. He’d been using it as an excuse not to give a damn about anyone but number one. He really didn’t deserve the time of day. Not Nathaniel’s. Not Sienna’s father’s, who was probably only about to spare him as long as it took to wipe the floor with him anyway. Definitely not Sienna’s.

  Adam guessed that whatever he said or did, he couldn’t put things right, but he had to try. Not try, Adam corrected himself furiously. Bloody well do it! For once in your pathetic life, do something right. He had no idea whether Sienna wanted anything more to do with him. Whatever, he owed it to her to tell her he loved her with his whole damaged heart; that he would walk away, but only if she wanted him to.

  Two extremely strong coffees, fifty-five minutes later, and still very shaky, Adam checked out his appearance in the wardrobe mirror. ‘Yes, I know,’ he said out loud, feeling despairing vibes from his misty lodger behind him.

  She was right. He looked about as good as he felt, a complete mess. His eyes were bloodshot, dark shadows underneath. His head was pounding. And he’d managed to cut himself shaving. That was a given. Maybe he should have gone the whole hog and saved the executioner the job.

  Saying a silent prayer to a God who’d also probably given up on him, Adam smoothed down his clean T-shirt, ran his hands through his permanently unruly hair, then squeaked the door open. Ouch! Crap, it was bright out there. Shielding his eyes, he climbed the steps, thought better of leaping the handrail, and set out across the boatyard to face the music.

  Shoot! Arriving back from walking Tobias to see Adam approaching the chandlery door looking deathly pale, Sienna chewed worriedly on her lip. Unable to dissuade her father from his intention to have a ‘quiet’ word with him, she’d been hoping to warn him beforehand. Aware of the delicate state he would no doubt be in, she’d decided to allow him half an hour’s extra sleep and speak to him on her way back from her walk. Clearly he’d already been summoned. Damn. Why hadn’t she texted him? Texted him what though? My dad wants to have a word with you. Oh, and, by the way, I’m pregnant.

  What would his reacti
on be, she wondered nervously? What would any man’s reaction be to a woman who he’d slept with twice, and taken all the right precautions with, announcing she was pregnant? Shock, obviously. Would he even believe it was his? He would. Of course he would. She still didn’t know all there was to know about Adam, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t doubt her. Would he want to be involved though? He was a free spirit, when all was said and done. Would he really want a child to tie him down?

  She should have insisted her dad wait until she’d spoken to him. He’d been so furious though. After Adam’s shenanigans last night, Sienna really couldn’t blame him. He was her dad, after all. Naturally, he’d want to protect his daughter, even if she was a grown woman. Hadn’t he always? And, after learning all he had the last few days, she understood why his protective gene had gone into overdrive. She’d made him swear not to say anything about the pregnancy. It was up to her to do that. With or without Adam, she was having her baby. She had to tell him in order for him to make the choice though, didn’t she? She had no intention of being a string, if ‘no strings’ was what he wanted. She’d be quite open to a bit of bondage, but she wouldn’t tie him down. She wouldn’t want to. She didn’t want him on that basis. It would crush her to lose him. She couldn’t even bear to contemplate that, but she could do this without him if she had to.

  ‘Can’t I, Tobias?’ she asked the ever-faithful male in her life, as she heaved his hindquarters up over the doorstep. ‘If he’s not interested, then I’ll bring the baby up on my own.’ She nodded determinedly. She might possibly need to ask her dad for a little help initially. In which case, she really shouldn’t be berating him for doing what he saw as his responsibility as a father. Oh, dear. Men, they really were a conundrum, Adam the biggest conundrum of all. She would tell him, as soon as she saw him. If, please God, there was anything left of him.

  As for him … Sienna was sorely tempted to reply succinctly to another more aggressive incoming text from her ex, but thought better of it. The man was clearly disturbed, absolutely believing he’d done nothing wrong. Frighteningly, still trying to convince her that she had. What frightened her more was the thought of what he might do if she did reply, telling him exactly what she thought of him. A cold shudder ran through her as she recalled the look in his eyes, flat and cold; there was no caring there, and then … utter contempt. Sienna shakily deleted the message. If he didn’t stop soon, she really would hire a hit man, or else send in Lauren.