Hottest Heads of State
Page 5
That’s a pretty sick burn, and it helped popularize the term “OK” as something that means, basically, “all correct.” But as it turns out, people don’t care whether or not the president can spell, so Van Buren won the election anyway. (That’s why he’s in this book!) But a crushing economic depression kept him from winning his party’s nomination for reelection, and he had to run as the candidate of the anti-slavery “Free Soil” party. He lost, perhaps because people took the name “free soil” too literally, and no one was in the market for a bunch of dirt, at any price. The one immutable law of American politics is that no one wants a bunch of free dirt.
MARTIN VAN BUREN WAS ANDREW JACKSON’S DEVOTED PROTÉGÉ. AND NOT JUST WHEN IT CAME TO HAIR!
Here’s a Tip
Martin Van Buren grew up in a tavern. Now, this isn’t a parenting book, but if you want your children to grow up to be as successful as Martin Van Buren, why not try raising them in a tavern? Better yet—raise just one of them in a tavern, and keep the others at home as a control group.
Why You’ll Love Him
To protect her privacy, Van Buren did not mention his wife Hannah a single time in his autobiography. This is a tradition many men carry on to this day in their Tinder profiles.
He has an accent! Unfortunately, that accent is “Dutch.”
He’s available! He is one of the only presidents who entered the White House single. In lieu of an actual wife, his 20-something stepdaughter Angelica served as his First Lady, which isn’t creepy at all.
WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?
“There was this one time that the governor of Missouri ordered all Mormons in the state ‘exterminated.’ Mormon leader Joseph Smith asked me for help, and I told him, ‘Your cause is just, but I can do nothing for you; if I take up for you I shall lose the state of Missouri.’ Ugh, I cringe every time I remember the look on his face! But in my defense, I did end up winning Missouri.”
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Young Martin Van Buren is giving you his “come hither” look! (Do not go hither.)
Get the Look!
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO GET THIS LOOK! THIS IS THE KIND OF LOOK THAT COMES TO YOU, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
Sort-of Fun Fact
Van Buren famously defused a tense situation on the Senate floor by walking over to the guy who was yelling at him (Henry Clay, who was the worst) and asking to borrow a pinch of snuff. You can try this too! But be careful, because there’s a small chance they will actually have snuff. And then you’re going to have to do some snuff.
Vital Stats
Looks: 3
Martin Van Buren looks like a really convincing shopping mall Santa who has taken off his wig and beard during a bathroom break. And this scenario doesn’t feel impossible. Who knows what kind of lives these mall Santas lead!
Physique: 3
Early in his career Van Buren worked as a town clerk, so he has that stereotypical “town clerk” build.
Charisma: 5
Van Buren is a great dealmaker, but he isn’t the kind of guy who could charm the pants off of you. So that’s a relief.
Nickname: 8
“Hey, come meet my friend Martin. Or, as we like to call him, ‘Little Magician.’ Get a few cups of rum punch in him, and you’ll find out why!”
THE ONES WHO GOT AWAY
HOT MEN WHO WERE ALMOST PRESIDENT
If you ever took the time to read the Federalist Papers, you’d know the Founders intended for presidential elections to be won by the hottest candidate. And yet, far too often, the American voters have cast their votes based on considerations like “Is he in my political party?” or “Would I enjoy having a beer with him, even though I don’t like beer?” Here are some almost-presidents who slipped away.
Henry Clay
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1824, 1832, 1840, 1844, 1848)
Clay, known as “The Great Compromiser,” ran for president no fewer than five times. He was beaten by men such as Andrew “I beat people literally, not just in elections” Jackson, Zachary “I’ve never voted” Taylor, and William “I think I’m coming down with something” Harrison.
John Frémont
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1856)
John Frémont was a famous explorer. Here he is exploring the inside of his coat.
George McClellan
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1864)
One way you know we’re not ancient Rome is that when a commanding general like George McClellan wants to run the country, he challenges the incumbent in an election, instead of just marching his troops into the capital. The other ways you know we’re not ancient Rome are 1) more cars, and 2) fewer orgies.
William Jennings Bryan
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1896, 1900, 1908)
William Jennings Bryan lost three presidential elections, was fired as Woodrow Wilson’s secretary of state, and was counsel for the “evolution is a bunch of hokey” side in the Scopes Monkey Trial. And yet he’s best known for his “cross of gold” speech opposing the gold standard, which he gave at the 1896 Democratic National Convention. You, too, can make people forget about your shortcomings by giving a speech about the gold standard. In fact, we guarantee that if you climb onstage at the Democratic National Convention and start ranting about the gold standard, that’s what you’ll be known for.
Alton B. Parker
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1904)
You only have to look at Alton B. Parker’s big, soulful doe eyes to know that, in the 1904 presidential election, Teddy Roosevelt is going to take him down like a big, soulful doe.
Charles Evans Hughes
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1916)
If you’re feeling sad that Charles Evans Hughes lost the 1916 election to Woodrow Wilson, console yourself with the fact that he was obviously better-suited to other careers. For example: 1) polar expedition leader, 2) viking, 3) walrus.
Alf Landon
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1936)
Alf Landon was able to shoot arrows that made people fall in love, but 1936 just wasn’t a GOP year.
George McGovern
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1972)
In the 1972 election, even George McGovern’s good looks couldn’t overcome Richard Nixon’s … what? What did Nixon have that McGovern didn’t? Dark malevolence? Jowls? Apparently the silent majority demanded jowls.
John McCain
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008)
Instead of nominating John McCain in 2008, the Republican Party should have nominated this photo of John McCain.
Al Gore
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2000)
Our only consolation is that a President Gore would probably have enslaved us all deep beneath the earth, mining for solar panels.
Mitt Romney
(RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012)
Stop for a second and think about the fact that “Mitt” sounds like an actual name. Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney. It sounds normal, right? That’s the indelible mark Mitt Romney has left on America.
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
1841–a little later in 1841 | Whig
This is a happy, lighthearted book, but we have some very depressing news to share: President William Henry Harrison is … dead.
Dead!
We’re sorry you had to find out this way, from a humor book. But we really couldn’t proceed any further without addressing it, since we’ve come to the part of the book where we talk about the ninth president, and the ninth president is William Henry Harrison. Who is, again, dead.
In the 1840s, the Whig Party was trying to defeat the powerful Andrew Jackson political machine. And when facing a famous, charismatic general from the War of 1812 who was constantly screwing over Native Americans, the Whigs decided to fight fire with fire. And in this metaphor (but probably in no other metaphor, ever) the “fire” was William Henry Harrison.
Unfortunately for his legacy, Harrison was taken far too soon. Not in the sense of age—he was 68, which is a longer life th
an someone born in 1773 has any right to hope for. Rather, he was taken too soon into his presidency. Harrison died on his 31st day in office, and his greatest accomplishment as president was giving the physicians in Washington something interesting to work on for a few days.
So, sadly, William Henry Harrison is not available for you to date. But you know what they say: If you miss one President Harrison, just wait awhile, because another one is bound to come along.
TRUE FACT THAT IS ALSO A DOUBLE ENTENDRE
To show your support for Harrison (if he weren’t dead ) you might be asked to “ROLL HIS BALLS.” These were gigantic, 10-foot leather-and-tin balls covered in Harrison campaign slogans that supporters would roll from campaign stop to campaign stop, as a gimmick. In fact, this is the origin of the phrase “keep the ball rolling.” So the next time someone says he wants to keep the ball rolling, picture him grunting and sweating as he rolls Harrison’s balls. There—that meeting about end-of-year revenue projections just got more interesting!
Why You’ll Love Him (Even Though He is Dead)
He is a gold medalist. Congress awarded Harrison a gold medal for his performance during the War of 1812. Of course, this was in the days before they started testing generals for performance-enhancing drugs, so Harrison’s record must always have an asterisk next to it.
He will help you rebel against your dad. Harrison wanted to marry 19-year-old Anna Symmes, but her father denied them permission. So the young couple eloped and honeymooned at “Fort Washington,” which was not a resort town, or a rustic lodge, but a literal frontier army fort. When Anna’s father demanded to know how Harrison could possibly support a family, the future president replied “Sir, my sword is my means of support.” The historical record does not indicate whether Anna’s father rolled his eyes.
His nickname is Tippecanoe. He got it by winning the Battle of Tippecanoe. This is a great nicknaming system, which is why we’ve nicknamed Dwight D. Eisenhower after his 1944-45 victory over the Germans in the famous Battle of the Bulge.
He did not live in a log cabin. Harrison’s father was a wealthy governor of Virginia and a signer of the Declaration of Independence. But Martin Van Buren’s campaign tried to tar Harrison as an uneducated hick who wanted to sit around a log cabin drinking hard cider. This backfired when Harrison’s campaign took the insult and ran with it, giving away hard cider in log cabin-shaped bottles at campaign stops. And that’s 1840s America for you! You might die of sepsis from getting a hangnail, but at least presidential campaigns were giving away liquor in novelty bottles.
Timeline: William Henry Harrison’s presidential daybook
Top 7 “Medical” Treatments for William Henry Harrison
Get ready to have everything you think you know about William Henry Harrison shattered. Are you ready? He probably did not die of a case of pneumonia caught while giving his inaugural address. His likely cause of death was enteric fever, which he developed because the White House water supply was contaminated with raw sewage.
Doctors at the time weren’t sure what was wrong with him, so they tried everything in their toolkit. Here are just some of the treatments they inflicted on President Harrison.
OPIUM Sure, this one sounds great. But put down your opium pipe for two seconds, hippie, and listen: Opiates make you constipated, which is the last thing you want if you have an enteric fever like typhoid. Plus, constipation gives 19th century doctors an excuse to do what they were already itching to do: Give you enemas.
STANDARD ENEMAS Before later revisions, the Hippocratic Oath began, “First, do no harm. Second, give round-the-clock enemas, no matter what’s wrong with the patient.”
LEECHES Having your body covered in leeches is a good way to take your mind off all the enemas.
VIRGINIA SNAKEWEED ENEMAS Unfortunately, nothing is going to take your mind off these.
DRINKING MERCURY The original Hippocratic Oath also instructed, “Try having the patient drink some mercury, and see what happens. Remember, no one lives forever!” Oh thank God.
HOT BRANDY TODDY Let this man expire with some dignity.
Pop QUIZ
William Henry Harrison achieved national fame for defeating the British at the Battle of the Thames. Where was this battle?
a. Surely it was on the Thames River, which runs through London, in England. If Harrison became one of the most famous men in America by winning a battle against the British called the Battle of the Thames, it must have been in England. b. Just please don’t tell me it was in Canada or something.
c. Again, I’d like to repeat my request that it not turn out that the battle was in Canada. We’d rightfully mock the British if they made a huge deal out of a victory against us called the Battle of the Potomac and it was actually in Guam.
d. b and c
Answer:
Sadly, the answer is (d). Please, we implore you: To salvage what’s left of our national dignity, refer to this conflict as the “Battle of Moraviantown” the next time it comes up at a girls’ night out.
Sort-of Fun Facts
Harrison was the last president born a British subject. Unless you count Barack Obama, of course. Obama was born in England, as “Merlin.” But he is living backwards through time, so it’s hard to say whether he or Harrison counts as the “last.”
He’s no George Washington. His parents were friends with George and Martha Washington, but young Tippecanoe ignored one of the central elements of Washington’s success: Distilling whiskey. Harrison built a distillery at his hilariously named Indiana estate “Grouseland,” but quickly closed it after deciding he didn’t like seeing the effect of whiskey on people. In contrast, Washington’s reaction on seeing his whiskey’s effect on people was to contentedly count his money.
He went toe-to-toe with Jefferson on slavery. But not in a good way. As governor of the Indiana Territory, Harrison pushed for slavery to be spread to Illinois and Indiana. President Jefferson undermined him by clandestinely funding the construction of antislavery churches throughout the territory. (But before you pat Jefferson on the back too much, keep in mind that one of Jefferson’s main objections to expanding slavery was that it would mean more African Americans.)
Vital Stats
Looks: 3
At the time, people thought Harrison was handsome. Of course, there was also a lot of free hard cider floating around.
Physique: 7
You’re not going to be attracted to William Henry Harrison for his body. You’re going to be attracted to him because you always fall for men you can’t have, and you can’t have William Henry Harrison, because he is dead.
Charisma: 4
Harrison got his start in the army by convincing a few dozen Philadelphian street toughs, ne’er-do-wells, and rogues to join his military unit and follow him to Ohio. And you have to be pretty persuasive to convince Philadelphians to move to Ohio for any reason.
Cursed:
Gather ‘round the fire, children, and hear the tale of the “Curse of Tippecanoe.” Some people believe that Harrison’s victory at the Battle of Tippecanoe put a curse on the U.S. presidency. Specifically, the curse “Every president elected in a year that is a multiple of 20 will die in office.” That sounds to us like a lot of math for a curse, but it held true for 120 years. Ronald Reagan, elected in 1980, was the first such president to live out his term since James Monroe. The lesson? You cannot curse someone magically shielded by Nancy Reagan’s arcane wards and protections.
JOHN TYLER
1841–1845 | Whig (sort of)
The room was silent, except for the drip, drip, drip of fetid water hitting the floor as the creature approached the dais. Lurching down the aisle, it trailed pond scum and matted reeds like the train of a wedding dress.
“Tell me again why the vice president is a swamp monster?” one congressman whispered to another.
“It was the only way we could carry Virginia,” someone behind him hissed.
It had been two days since the funeral of William Hen
ry Harrison, and in the midst of the shock and confusion, no one had anticipated how swiftly and decisively the hitherto forgotten vice president John Tyler would emerge from its lair deep in the marshes of Virginia to claim the presidency as its own.
“I am just a humble creature from the swamp,” Tyler’s address to Congress began. “But now the ancient swamp gods have called on me to serve as your president. And to be clear, I will not be the ‘acting president.’ I distinctly heard the swamp gods say ‘president.’ If you attempt to send me letters that address me as ‘acting president,’ I will send the letters back to you unopened and, as with everything I touch, completely covered in slime.”