Hottest Heads of State

by J. D. Dobson

  There was a long pause, and the audience shifted uncomfortably in their chairs.

  “I have taken an important vow today,” the creature finally continued. “I vowed to defend the human Constitution. And I will keep that vow, especially the parts about states’ rights, and the part that says swamp people are allowed to kidnap land people and enslave them in our underwater peat mines.”

  There was a smattering of applause from the congressmen who had not been listening closely, and the creature descended from the podium with a loud sloshing sound.

  Sort-of Fun Facts

  John Tyler believed in “sulphur hydrotherapy.” This should surprise no one.

  Tyler consumed large doses of mercury because he believed it to be good for his health. (Mercury is poisonous to humans, but may or may not be poisonous to creatures born of the swamp.)

  When the Civil War broke out, Tyler was the only former president to side with the Confederacy, which has somewhat tarnished his otherwise unblemished reputation.

  LOVE STORY

  When the creature first spotted the beautiful and vivacious young woman, it felt a stirring in the empty cavity where its heart should be, but which instead held a second stomach. It was a sensation the creature hadn’t felt since before its wife passed away, four long months ago. In that moment, the creature knew that it would not rest until it had wrapped this woman in its slimy limbs and dragged her back to the swamp to make her its queen.

  At first, the lovely Julia Gardiner refused the president’s advances, because come on. She was only 21, and although the creature claimed to be ageless, most people put it at around 52. For two years, she declined its proposals of marriage and promises of more duckweed than she could dream of. But the creature persisted, and it convinced Julia and her family to join it at a boat party that promised to be fun and free of tragic accidents. Unfortunately, there was a tragic accident: One of the boat’s cannons exploded, killing several people, including Julia’s father. When Julia found out, she fainted—right into the president’s outstretched “arms.”

  Julia was devastated, and Tyler took advantage of her grief to convince her to accept one of its tentacles in marriage. And the couple lived happily ever after! If you have a sinking feeling in your stomach right now, don’t worry—that’s the feeling of having just read a really romantic story!

  Why You’ll Love It

  It does as it pleases. Swamp creatures do not view themselves as subject to the laws of man, so they are definitely not going to take orders from the dumb Whig Party. Tyler was nominally a Whig but ignored party directives. So the Whigs in Congress expelled Tyler from the party and refused to pay to fix up the White House. (Years of neglect had turned the building into a decaying quagmire, where presumably Tyler felt perfectly at home.)

  It refuses to mingle with commoners. The commoners are mostly fine with this.

  It pushed to annex Texas. If you enjoy having Texas as a part of the United States, thank John Tyler! If you don’t, you can visit John Tyler’s house in Virginia and throw eggs at it.

  It will chase you. Tyler had a crush on a young woman named Julia Gardiner and would literally chase her around the White House. Onlookers commented that this behavior did not seem very presidential, but this was when people still believed that there should be standards for how presidents behave.

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 3

  Maybe it’s just us, but we think John Tyler looks a bit like a swamp monster.

  Physique: 2

  John Tyler is as thin as someone who survives on nothing but cattails, washed down with large amounts of mercury.

  Charisma: 1

  No.

  Number of Children: 15

  Tyler has fathered more children than any other president. There—that seems like a good, frightening note to end on!

  HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE EXPLAINS: The Whig Party

  I went to a wig party one time in college. I wore a Beatles wig. But not the kind of Beatles wig you’re thinking of. This was more 1975 John Lennon. My girlfriend went as Yoko Ono, and we lay on the floor to recreate the famous Rolling Stone cover. Then my uncle kicked me out of the party and said it wasn’t a wig party, it was a BBQ for my cousin’s high school graduation. I still have the wig, though. I use it to get out of jury duty.

  Umm … OK. The Whig Party wasn’t that kind of wig party. It was a political party in the first half of the 1800s. It had nothing to do with wigs.

  NOTHING to do with wigs? Are you trying to tell me that no one in it wore a wig?

  Well, probably some people in the Whig Party wore wigs. But it’s spelled w-h-i-g. The “h” is silent.

  Can I just say that “the h is silent” would be a great password for a secret, underground speakeasy hosting a wig party?

  You are not wrong. But did you have any questions about the Whig Party?

  Where did they get the name “Whig”?

  By the early 19th century, the word whig had come to stand for “anti-tyranny.” Say … do you like etymology? We’d love to tell you all about how “whig” derives from “whiggamore,” a Scots term for horse-driver. It is a thrilling tale that begins with Oliver Cromwell and war-wracked 1640s Britain.

  No thank you. In fact, I insist you not tell me about it. But I would like to hear about how the Whigs were anti-tyranny.

  To be more precise, they were anti–Andrew Jackson. In the 1830s, Jackson had accumulated a lot of power, and the Whig Party represented a broad coalition of people opposed to him: southern planters, northern industry, the anti-Masonic movement. And, more generally, people who didn’t think the president should be a despot, and who opposed Jackson’s ruthless treatment of Native Americans.

  That sounds like a platform I could get behind, especially the anti-Masonic part. Were there ever any Whig presidents?

  Yes, four of them.

  Four so far, right? Does this book have some kind of anti-Whig bias? I am so sick of the mainstream humor book media. Your job is to report the facts, not opine on whether or not there will be additional Whig Party presidents.

  OK. Four so far. William Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Millard Fillmore.

  Who?

  Exactly. The Whigs didn’t really leave their mark on the office, except that they were prominent among the presidents who failed to prevent the Civil War.

  Still, it’s impressive that they elected four presidents.

  Actually, they only elected two presidents. But both of them died shortly after taking office, so their vice presidents took over. Abracadabra, two Whig presidents were turned into four! It’s like cutting a worm in half.

  That seems like a weird coincidence. Both of the Whigs who were elected president died in office? Is this what inevitably happens to presidents who dare to challenge the Freemasons and their iron grip on history?

  At the risk of dignifying that question with an answer, no. Although if you want to fall down a rabbit hole into the dark, twisted heart of American conspiracy theorizing, Google “did the Freemasons assassinate Zachary Taylor?”

  Maybe later. Right now, I’m pretty jazzed up to vote Whig this coming Election Day. How can I figure out who the Whig candidates are for my local school board, mosquito abatement district, and so forth?

  We’ve got some bad news. The Whig Party disbanded in 1856, after fracturing over the issue of “Are members of minority groups actual human beings?” One part became the Republican Party. The other became the anti-Catholic, anti-immigrant “American Party,” better known as the “Know-Nothings.”

  Man, that is bad news. When I vote, can I just write in “THE WHIG PARTY, BLAM!”

  You could do worse.

  JAMES K. POLK

  1845–1849 | Democrat

  James K. Polk was America’s first “dark horse” candidate, introducing the country to the intriguing concept of electing a president nobody has ever heard of. And although Polk might seem like a dark horse for your affections, he actually has all of the qualit
ies that you could want in a man: humorlessness, impotency, and the work ethic of an American eel. (Look it up!)

  But the sexiest thing about Polk is that he always keeps his promises. Remember that time your ex-boyfriend promised to pick you up from the airport but then he didn’t, and you’ve been living at the airport ever since? That would never happen with James K. Polk. For one thing, he would never promise to pick you up at the airport. But when he does make a crazy promise, he keeps it. One time, he even kept four promises!

  So after fulfilling all of his campaign promises in only four years, Polk retired without seeking a second term. He knew the key to showmanship is to leave the people wanting more. (Then a few months later he died, because he was overly committed to the principles of showmanship.)

  If you’re looking for a boyfriend who works all of the time and then dies, then put away your binoculars, because he’s right here! And also because that is a weird way to look for boyfriends.

  Here’s a Tip

  James K. Polk is always working, so he needs a partner who is prepared to spend a lot of time alone, pursuing solitary hobbies. Here are some ways you can stay busy while your presidential boyfriend is busy invading Mexico or whatever.

  Go to church. That’s one day down, six to go!

  Pretend to needlepoint. This is more rewarding than actual needlepointing.

  Become his secretary. Polk’s wife, Sarah, basically functioned as his secretary. It was a lot like the movie Secretary, except with less spanking and more working quietly without any spanking.

  DOES HE KEEP HIS promises?

  Reestablish an Independent Treasury No one knows what this means, so when Polk promised to do it and then later said he’d done it, everyone just shrugged and went back to riding horses or farming cotton or whatever.

  Lower Tariffs Finally, hard-working Americans could afford to import opium!

  Acquire California and New Mexico As long as the Mexicans were already angry at the U.S. for annexing Texas, Polk figured he might as well start a war with them and take some of their land.

  Settle the Oregon Boundary Dispute This is where the slogan Fifty-four forty or fight! came from. Now you know the story behind your mom’s tattoo!

  Get the Look!

  Just tell your hairdresser, “Give me the James K. Polk!”

  WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?

  “The president does not have time for vacations. Or time to dream about vacations. Or time to answer questions about dream vacations. Actually, OK … I guess I did have time for that last one.”

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 9

  Come up with your own sexy pun involving the word “polk,” and insert it here: ________________________________. There, now you’ve coauthored a book!

  Physique: 5

  As it turns out, working constantly is not great for your health. Some historians even say Polk worked himself to death, though that’s not technically true unless what he was working on was drinking contaminated water.

  Charisma: 2

  Polk is all business, all the time. If you’re like that too, then great! You and James K. Polk will be very happy together. (By “happy,” we mean, “joylessly grinding through one project after another, year after year, until finally achieving the sweet release of death.”)

  Mullet: 10

  It feels like these other presidents aren’t even trying.

  ZACHARY TAYLOR

  1849–1850 | Whig

  Zachary Taylor is the president who most resembles a hobo. But because he died less than a year and a half into his term, we will never know what kind of hobo he might have eventually become.

  Taylor is a simple man of simple pleasures, like wearing tattered clothing and drinking contaminated milk. Unfortunately, the latter led to his death from cholera. And the former led to him being repeatedly mistaken for a farmer. (No offense, farmers!)

  Until he ran for president, Taylor had never voted. And we’re only assuming that he voted in his own election. No one really knows what goes on inside those voting booths, and maybe Taylor was just having a quick snack of canned beans.

  Although he might not sound like much of a catch, there are a lot of perks that come with dating a 19th-century war hero. Like getting to live in a tent! And, well, that’s it actually. Tents are pretty fun, though.

  Zachary Taylor died 16 months into his term. Ever since then, the number 16 has been unlucky for U.S. presidents. Some people say that’s why the White House doesn’t have a 16th floor!

  Here’s a Tip

  If you want to test potential mates for historical knowledge, try introducing yourself by saying, “My friends call me ‘Old Rough and Ready.’” If they look shocked, it’s because they’re impressed you know so much about Zachary Taylor!

  WE ASKED … WHAT WAS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT?

  “It was probably the time I was kidnapped on my way to Washington for my inauguration. I was supposed to catch the steamer Tennessee and take it upriver. But some other boat pulled up first, in the hopes of tricking me into getting on, and I got on. I guess I’m pretty easy to kidnap!”

  Let’s Talk About Clothes

  Taylor is known for his trademark “bedraggled” look, which he achieves by wearing clothing that is oversized and in a state of extreme distress. It took a while for this look to catch on, but 150 years later, “grunge” was born! Then three years later grunge was over, to everyone’s collective relief.

  But this raises an important question—Does each new president get a new mattress, towels, etc.? Maybe we don’t want to be president after all!

  Vital Stats

  Looks: 2

  Despite his low score, we can see how someone would be into Zachary Taylor. It would be like loving an old, well-worn shoe that is also walleyed.

  Physique: 1

  Taylor has a barrel-shaped body with weirdly long arms and weirdly short legs. So his figure leaves something to be desired. (Specifically, normal proportions.)

  Charisma: 4

  Taylor is about as charismatic as a grizzled, barrel-shaped hobo. Which is to say, sort of.

  Spitting: 10

  Of all the presidents, it is believed that Zachary Taylor had the most accurate aim when it came to spitting tobacco onto the White House floor. Of course, some argue that when it comes to spitting on the White House floor, what matters isn’t accuracy, but volume.

  How to Meet a PRESIDENT

  The world is full of U.S. presidents. But for some reason, it can be hard to actually meet one. Here are some foolproof, time-tested strategies for “randomly” meeting the president of your dreams. Just don’t tell him you obsessively plotted the whole thing for months while sitting naked inside your incense-choked shrine to him! That’s the kind of thing you want to save for a first date.

  Richard Nixon

  Identify the SKETCHIEST NEARBY LOCATION. Depending on where you live, this might be a dive bar down by the docks, a dark alley, or a cornfield at midnight under a pale crescent moon. Go there, take out your wallet, and start visibly counting your money. When someone hits you on the back of the head with a sap, that’s Richard Nixon!

  Jimmy Carter

  You’ve been looking for an excuse to attend the SOUTHERN PEANUT GROWERS CONFERENCE. Well, this is your chance! The odds are approximately 50/50 that Jimmy Carter will attend this annual trade group meeting, and if he’s there, you’ll find him at the nightly dance party.

  Harry S. Truman

  Truman worked as a postman, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from film noir movies, it’s that the mail recipient/postman relationship is fraught with sexual tension. Figure out WHEN YOUR MAIL GETS DELIVERED, and surprise Harry S. Truman in a sheer negligée. If you open the door and discover that your postman isn’t Harry. S Truman, just pack up your things, move to a house on a different mail route, and try again. Repeat as necessary.

  Teddy Roosevelt

  Purchase the BEST ANIMAL COSTUME you can afford—
for example, a grizzly bear costume. Go for a long walk in the Adirondack Mountains. Eventually Teddy Roosevelt will drop out of a tree with a knife in his teeth. Quickly remove your bear mask and say, “Teddy Roosevelt, my name is [insert your name]. I’m not actually a bear. But do you think you could ‘bear’ to go on a date with me?”

  (Important note: Only use this line if you’re dressed as a bear. For other animal costumes, use “I’d be ‘lion’ if I said I didn’t find you attractive,” “If we go out for drinks I promise I won’t ‘boar’ you,” “It will ‘tick’ me off if you don’t ask me to dinner,” etc.)

  Andrew Jackson

  Start a “BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS” study group. Andrew Jackson will show up for the first meeting, because if there’s one person who loves talking about the Battle of New Orleans—and there is, in fact, one person—it’s Andrew Jackson.

  Gerald Ford

  Meeting Gerald Ford is easy—you just need to BE PRESIDENT, and appoint him to be your vice president. Then he’ll have to meet you. If you hit things off and start dating, you’ll have the hot, cat-and-mouse dynamic that comes with dating someone who has a lot to gain if you die.

  Any other president

  Attend one of his $1,000-a-plate reelection campaign fundraiser dinners. When it comes time for you to shake his hand, use your middle finger to tickle his palm, and give him a long, languid wink. (Please note: At John F. Kennedy fundraisers, you don’t need to pull stunts like this to seduce him. Everything is already included in the price of your meal.)