Hottest Heads of State
Page 13
Tracked down and captured the boat thieves who’d stolen his boat
Led an uphill charge, on foot, in the Spanish-American War
Spent a year on safari in Africa
Explored uncharted parts of the Amazon
Was parked with his girlfriend in the woods when an escaped serial killer with a hook attacked them; Roosevelt easily dispatched him, then resumed making out
ANSWER: These are all well-documented true facts about Theodore Roosevelt, except for the last one. But even with that one, we can’t disprove it.
DIY PROJECT:
FUN WITH TAXIDERMY
If you’re looking for a hobby that is educational and wholesome, look no further than amateur taxidermy. Theodore Roosevelt practiced taxidermy as a boy, and just look where he ended up! (He ended up as president.) So grab whatever knife you usually use for skinning things, and let’s get started!
1 First, find something that needs taxidermizing. This will probably be an animal, unless you want to start on something easier, like a banana, or a soccer ball.
2 Once you’ve chosen your subject, you will need to murder it. You might discover that this isn’t as easy as you imagined it would be in your revenge fantasies. No matter how much you hate that woodpecker who put a hole in your siding, are you really capable of killing an innocent animal? If not, maybe it will help to put the animal on trial first so it can be found guilty.
3 Select a jury. You’ll need to round up a dozen more woodpeckers from the neighborhood, plus two alternates. The best way to attract woodpeckers is to smear a bunch of suet everywhere, because woodpeckers love suet. Suet is the fat that’s found around the kidneys of a cow. Which means you’ll need to find a cow, accuse it of a crime, try it before a jury of cows, and hope that its crime was grave enough that it gets sentenced to death.
4 Manufacture evidence. After all the trouble you went to assembling a woodpecker jury, you can’t afford for the accused to be found not guilty. That’s why you should take the precaution of manufacturing evidence and planting it in the defendant’s nest. (The details here will depend on the specific charges. For example, if the woodpecker is charged with murdering a cow, your job will be easy, because you just happen to have a dead cow in your driveway.)
5 Schedule a sentencing hearing. Don’t worry; this is just a formality!
6 Carry out the execution. This animal is a convicted criminal, so now you can execute it with a clear conscience. Justice has been served!
7 Remove the animal’s skin. Position the skin around a plaster mold of the animal, and then sew it back together again. Wait … you don’t have a plaster mold? Whoops! You were supposed to make the plaster mold before you removed the skin. You’ll have to start all over at the beginning.
Here’s a Tip
It’s never too early to start shopping for Theodore Roosevelt’s birthday present. After all, his birthday is bound to come around eventually! To help inspire you, here are a few of the memorable gifts that Theodore Roosevelt has received over the years.
A CRATE FULL OF RACCOONS. It will have to be a pretty nice crate, though, to make up for the fact that it is full of raccoons.
BIG STICKS. Roosevelt’s motto is “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” so people are always sending him big sticks. He probably should have made his motto “Speak softly and carry a big ham.”
HAM. Successfully anticipating all of Theodore Roosevelt’s unspoken desires, one admirer sent him a ham carved into the shape of his profile.
A BADGER. A badger is the perfect gift for the man who has everything, because the badger will destroy a bunch of his stuff, and he will no longer have the burden of so many possessions.
Vital Stats
Looks: 7
If you’re not attracted to Theodore Roosevelt, it’s because you’re not picturing him soaked in blood and perched over an elephant carcass. (This is assuming that you hate elephants.)
Physique: 10
Roosevelt’s chest is so strong and muscled that it wants to explode out of his shirt. This is also what everyone else wants.
Charisma: 10
When he returned from a post-presidential year-long trip to Africa, hundreds of thousands of people gathered in the streets of New York City to welcome him back. There was a parade and people got a half day off work. If we’re being honest, his charisma doesn’t really fit on the 1-10 scale.
Depth perception: 0
Roosevelt would invite professional boxers to come to the White House and fight him, because of course he did. In one match, his opponent blinded him in one eye. And that’s the true story of why Theodore Roosevelt gave up boxing and took up jujitsu!
WILLIAM TAFT
1909–1913 | Republican
Guess who’s calling your house right now?!
If there is one thing you probably already know about William Taft, it’s that he’s a really nice guy. But there’s much more to him than that! So, so, so much more.
All Taft wanted in life was to serve on the Supreme Court, probably so he could wear a robe to work. He did not want to be president. But his wife, Nellie, had a different dream. Ever since visiting the White House as a teenager, she’d wanted to live there. And not as a mole-person hiding in the space between the walls, either! She wanted to be First Lady.
Forcing your husband to become the president of the United States against his will sounds like a great idea. But there is one major downside, at least in Taft’s case. During his time in the White House, Taft was really, really depressed. Now, you’re probably thinking, “What do I care if my husband is depressed?” But believe it or not, it’s hard to enjoy reorganizing the White House china cabinet while your husband is sitting in the corner, crying quietly into his bucket of scrambled eggs.
Fortunately for Taft, no one gets to be president forever. (At least, not as of this printing.) Taft did not win a second term, because his ex–best friend Teddy Roosevelt ran as a third party candidate and split the Republican vote. Taft happily took a position teaching law at Yale, he lost a bunch of weight, and eight years later, he was appointed chief justice of the United States. And, just like all Supreme Court justices, he never wore pants again.
Why You’ll Love Him
He is an adoring husband. Taft absolutely doted on his wife, even though she seems horrible. Just imagine how much he would dote on you, someone who is only a little bit horrible!
You can push him around. Not literally though, unless he’s on a skateboard or something.
He has curves that won’t quit. You can try asking them to quit, but they will say “no thanks!”
He has a great laugh. Taft has a deep, jolly laugh, just like Santa Claus. But his laughter hides a dark and crippling depression, also like Santa Claus.
He’ll let you choose his political appointees. Now you can get revenge on all of your enemies by giving them boring government jobs.
How to Win His Heart
Be smart. Taft is the kind of guy who will love you for your brain. But not in the sense that he’s a zombie who wants to eat your brain, like so many other Supreme Court justices.
Criticize him. Taft’s parents were always criticizing him, so it’s only natural for him to seek that same quality in a spouse. It probably feels comfortable and familiar, like a pair of well-worn slippers that shouts insults at you.
Go sledding. Taft met his future wife at a sledding party. While this doesn’t necessarily mean you will meet William Taft at a sledding party, it also doesn’t mean you won’t. (But you probably won’t.)
Keep Him Awake. Sometimes Taft falls asleep at public functions, so he’ll be really grateful if you keep him awake by falling asleep first and snoring loudly.
Be ambitious. Taft likes ambitious women. And if you stop to think about it, you probably have at least some ambitions. If nothing else, you’ve resolved to distract yourself from the alternating nihilism and vacuity of modern politics by reading this book.
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
JUST LOOK AT YOUNG TAFT
WHEN HE WAS BUT A WISP OF A MAN, AND A CUSTOM-BUILT, 900-GALLON BATHTUB WAS ONLY A GLINT IN HIS EYE!
Sort-of Fun Fact
Before he was president, Taft served as governor of the Philippines and governor of Cuba! Doesn’t that make you miss having an empire?
Favorite Pickup Line
“There’s room for two in this 900-gallon bathtub! … Oh wait, no there isn’t.”
IF YOU LIKE A GUY WITH A LITTLE “JUNK IN HIS TRUNK,” THEN YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE WILLIAM TAFT, BECAUSE HE WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO OWN A CAR!
Vital Stats
Looks: 3
Taft’s looks are all about that mustache. Just try not thinking about how it would feel brushing against your skin, like the rough-but-tender snout of a big, sexy walrus. (There, see! You’re thinking about it!)
Physique: 1
Even Taft said that “too much flesh is bad for any man.” Though maybe he just meant he was going to stop storing so much human flesh in his icebox.
Charisma: 2
Taft tends to be quiet and thoughtful, and quiet people aren’t usually very charismatic, unless they are really good at wriggling their eyebrows.
Stuffed animals inspired by him: 3
After Roosevelt’s presidency inspired a craze for teddy bears, toy makers tried to popularize a stuffed possum in Taft’s honor. They chose a possum because possum is Taft’s favorite food. No one can figure out why this didn’t catch on.
PRESIDENTIAL
OILED HAIR!
TREND REPORT
Hair oil is one styling product that every president should have in his presidential medicine cabinet.
Check out these 10 presidents who used hair oil to give themselves a cool, oily look.
JAMES K. POLK believes that women like it when a man shows a lot of forehead. (He is mistaken.)
RONALD REAGAN’S oiled hair is why hair oil was invented, and also why hair was invented. This is a head of hair you want to curl up in with a good Tom Clancy novel.
JAMES A. GARFIELD will tell you that it’s not easy keeping your beard hair frizz-free during muggy Washington summers. (He’s lying, though. You just slather it in oil!)
HERBERT HOOVER’S oiled hair is combed down his back and coiled around one leg—all held tightly in place with a half-pint of Brylcreem. This is the kind of eccentricity presidents could get away with in the days before television.
RICHARD NIXON doesn’t use hair oil—these are all-natural secretions. He never shampoos, because he prefers to feel dirty.
LYNDON B. JOHNSON’S hair is a tattoo made to look like oiled hair. But it shows a lot of dedication to the look, so we’ll let him “sneak across the border and launch undeclared war” on our oiled-hair list.
ANDREW JOHNSON was the only senator from a Confederate state who stayed loyal to the Union. It was because he greased his hair with whale oil and needed to keep the oak-and-copper whale oil pipeline between New Bedford and Richmond flowing.
HARRY TRUMAN is a salt-of-the-earth midwesterner who doesn’t keep with East Coast dandyism like hair oil. When he wants to hold his hair in place, he uses good, honest spit.
GEORGE H. W. BUSH keeps his hair well lubricated so that should the need arise, he will be able to escape the Soviets by sliding through an air duct.
DWIGHT EISENHOWER is only here to warn you about the military-industrial hair oil complex and its tightening grip on American democracy. Too late, Dwight Eisenhower!
WOODROW WILSON
1913–1921 | Democrat
Everyone has “sexy professor” fantasies—why else would so many people waste their time on college? But it’s not very often that you get the opportunity to combine your “sexy professor” fantasy with your “sexy president” fantasy, because no matter how many times you ask, your professor refuses to run for president.
Well, we have good news! In their boundless wisdom, the American voters have already created a sexy professor/president hybrid, and his name is Woodrow Wilson. Prior to becoming president of the country, Wilson was the president of Princeton University, which is considered by many to be among the top schools in New Jersey. Underneath his bookish exterior, you’ll find a man who is, in fact, very bookish, but also passionate.
Plus, Wilson is hiding a naughty secret! Unfortunately, the secret is that he’s a huge racist. (And it isn’t actually that much of a secret.)
Here’s a Tip
You don’t want your child to be born a Yankee, do you? Ugh, no, of course not. Neither did Woodrow Wilson’s first wife, Ellen, which is why she traveled all the way from upstate New York to Georgia during the final week of her pregnancy. Oh, and it was 1886, so she had to travel by stagecoach and it took several days.
All of her effort to avoid having a Yankee child was worth it in the end, though, when her Georgia-born daughter grew up, moved to India, and became a Hindu nun.
WOODROW WILSON’S HANDSOME FACE IS ON THE $100,000 BILL—THE LARGEST U.S. CURRENCY NOTE. IF YOU HAVE A BILL WITH WILSON’S FACE ON IT, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU EITHER SUCCESSFULLY ROBBED A FEDERAL RESERVE BANK, OR YOU SUCCESSFULLY ACCEPTED A COMICALLY LARGE COUNTERFEIT BILL AS PAYMENT.
Why You’ll Love Him
He endorsed the nineteenth amendment, which gave women the right to vote. If you don’t want women to be able to vote, then we have to be honest: You are not the target demographic for this book.
He’s in the New Jersey Hall of Fame. He was inducted the same year as Judy Blume! Woodrow Wilson and Judy Blume, together at last.
He has his PhD. It’s always better to date a guy who already has his PhD, so you don’t have to support him while he gets his PhD.
He comes ready-made with a belittling nickname. Wilson’s real first name was “Thomas,” and he went by “Tommy” until he got to college. So if you ever need to take him down a peg, try calling him “Tommy,” or “Tommy-boy,” or “Hey, four-eyes!”
He won the Nobel Peace Prize. Woodrow Wilson won the Nobel Peace Prize after WWI for creating the League of Nations, a proto-UN intended to prevent another cataclysmic world war. And the great thing about winning a Nobel Peace Prize for preventing world war is they’re not allowed to take it back.
He’ll let you be president. Wilson had a stroke halfway through his second term that left him unable to move or speak, and he didn’t mind his wife Edith being the secret acting president for the rest of his term. Or at least if he did mind, he didn’t say anything about it.
DOES HE KEEP HIS
promises?
Keep the U.S. out of WWI.
Wilson tried pretty hard to keep the United States out of the pointless bloodbath that was WWI. But after Germany kept sinking American ships, Teddy Roosevelt said, “If he does not go to war I shall skin him alive.” And when Teddy Roosevelt threatens to skin you alive, he’s not speaking figuratively.
Ban child labor.
Wilson did pass a law that would have eliminated child labor. But even with a team of ace child-lawyers defending it, the Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional.
SCANDAL!
At one point or another, most people are accused of murdering their spouse, and Woodrow Wilson is no different. Eight months after his wife Ellen died unexpectedly, he married local widow Edith Galt, and rumors swirled that the two had conspired to murder Ellen. And still they swirl, thanks to irresponsible rumor-mongering books like this one!
Sort-of Fun Facts
Wilson abolished eating clubs at Princeton to try to reduce the power of elites. It worked, and elites forevermore had no influence or special access at Princeton.
Immediately prior to becoming president of the United States, Wilson was president of the American Political Science Association. This set a pretty unreasonable bar for every subsequent president of the American Political Science Association.
Wilson is hot-tempered. According to one story, he almost punched someone who bumped into him at a train station and had to calm himself down by saying, “You can’t behave this way, you’re the president of
Princeton University.” It just goes to show how little he understood about being the president of Princeton University.
How to Win His Heart
Wilson is a huge bigot! But this unfortunate fact provides some useful strategies for seducing him and “graduating from the Woodrow Wilson school of public and international affairs,” so to speak.
Don’t be African-American. Wilson wrote that in the antebellum South, “The domestic slaves, at any rate, and almost all who were much under the master’s eye, were happy and well cared for.” It’s just so sad that Wilson never got to be a slave, since he thought it was such a happy and well-cared-for life.
Don’t be African-American. Wilson described the end of Reconstruction as “Negro rule under unscrupulous adventurers had been finally put an end to in the South, and the natural, inevitable ascendancy of the whites, the responsible class, established.” You can see how, if you are African-American, comments like this would eventually drive a wedge between you and Woodrow Wilson.
Did we mention don’t be African-American? Wilson resegregated the federal workforce, firing black officials and introducing Jim Crow–style separate bathrooms and lunch tables in federal buildings. He told the black civil-rights leaders who confronted him to chill out, because “Segregation is not a humiliation but a benefit.” Well, OK! Thanks for clearing that up, President Wilson.