Hottest Heads of State
Page 14
Oh and also don’t be Italian or Japanese or Hungarian or Polish or Chinese. Wilson described Italian, Hungarian, and Polish immigrants to the U.S. as having “neither skill nor energy nor any initiative of quick intelligence,” and he supported restricting immigration from China and Japan because “We cannot make a homogeneous population out of people who do not blend with the Caucasian race.” He wasn’t a big fan of Catholics, either, but please just take our word for it, because this section is starting to feel a little preachy.
All too many U.S. presidents have had the shattering experience of rejection by their cousins, and Woodrow Wilson is no exception. While in law school at the University of Virginia, he proposed to his ridiculously named cousin Hattie Woodrow. She turned him down, presumably on the grounds that she’d already had enough of the name Woodrow. Some historians think this spurning is why Wilson dropped out of law school. And, of course, this is all too common at UVA. They should probably start mentioning it in 1L orientation: “Fellas, don’t fall in love with your cousins. They’ll only break your heart.”
WHEN HE WAS YOUNG
Believe it or not, Woodrow Wilson didn’t learn to read until the age of 10. So if someone tells you that you’ll never be president because you didn’t learn to read until you were 10, they’re probably right, because it’s very unlikely that would happen twice.
Vital Stats
Looks: 7
While in law school, Wilson wrote a limerick about his own looks that began with “For beauty I am not a star / There are others more handsome by far.” We know it’s hard to believe that a law student taking the time to write limericks about himself ended up dropping out, but it’s true.
Physique: 5
Wilson plays baseball, but that doesn’t really tell us much about his physique. Come back and talk to us if he starts playing soccer.
Charisma: 7
Wilson is a good public speaker, but we are deducting points for the fact that his PhD dissertation was titled “Congressional Government: A Study in American Politics,” and he probably liked to talk about it.
Having a PhD: 10
Wilson is the only U.S. president to have earned a doctorate. Most PhD graduates don’t have time for politics, because they are too busy teaching high school English.
HOTTEST HEADS OF STATE EXPLAINS: The Federal Reserve System
If I open an account at a Federal Reserve Bank, can I get checks with Hello Kitty on them? Because my bank won’t give me Hello Kitty checks, and I’m like WTF, YOU’RE A BANK.
Unfortunately, you can’t get any kind of personal checks from the 12 banks in the Federal Reserve System. That’s because the “Fed” isn’t a consumer bank—it’s a central bank.
Ugh, OK, I’ll bite. What is a central bank?
We’re so glad you asked! A central bank is a government bank that, among other things, manages a country’s money supply. Using a few different tools, a country’s central bank can increase or decrease the amount of money in circulation.
I would like more money, please.
Well, sure, but it’s not that simple. If everyone gets a bunch more money, without anything else changing, it just means that the money is worth less. If you gave everyone a trillion dollars, it wouldn’t mean everyone was suddenly super rich, it would just mean that hamburgers would start costing a billion dollars each. That’s called inflation. The Fed usually wants to keep inflation under control, so sometimes it takes steps to reduce the money supply.
I don’t care if they want to reduce the money supply. Those jackbooted thugs at the Fed better not try to confiscate the Susan B. Anthony dollars I’ve been hoarding under my mattress.
Actually, central banks usually don’t need to change the amount of currency in circulation in order to change the size of the money supply. That’s because the money supply is different—and bigger—than the supply of actual, physical coins and bills.
Huh?
Well, it gets pretty complicated. But in the U.S., for every dollar in physical cash, there’s almost four dollars in money that exists in bank accounts, investments, debt, and so forth.
Huh?
Think about the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where there’s a run on the bank. All of those people thought they had a certain amount of money in their bank accounts—let’s say a nickel, because it was the 1930s. If anyone had asked them, “How much money do you have in savings?” they would have said, “I’m proud to report that I have one shiny nickel saved at the bank.” But the bank probably lent that same nickel to a borrower. Both the depositor and the borrower would have said they had a nickel, even though they were actually talking about the same nickel. And that’s how five cents is turned into ten cents, through the magic of banking. It’s a system that works great, as long as all the people involved don’t ask for their money in cash at the same time.
I’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful Life.
It’s one of the best Christmas movies about the financial services sector. Now, remember when I said that for every U.S. dollar in cash, there are around four dollars in circulation? The Fed can help control that ratio by doing things like raising or lowering interest rates. A lower interest rate will create more money from the existing amount of cash, while a higher interest rate will shrink the money supply.
That sounds like witchcraft. Is the Fed a coven of witches?
Probably not. But it’s definitely true that the complex and powerful ability to create money out of thin air has raised a lot of suspicion and conspiracy theorizing over the years. Whether or not to have a national bank was one of the most controversial policy debates during the 19th century. Alexander Hamilton helped create one—
Yes, yes, I know. Every fan of musical theater knows that.
And then it was allowed to expire 20 years later.
Wait, what? Well, that’s a bummer.
Then another one was created in 1816, but Andrew Jackson killed it in 1836, partly because he didn’t have a very good sense of what it is banks do, and partly because he just liked killing things. The current Fed wasn’t created until 1916.
I’m starting to sense that this book has a pronounced anti-Jackson bias. Why did he dislike the idea of a central bank?
A lot of the opposition in the U.S. to a central bank, then and now, has less to do with monetary policy per se, and more to do with a general suspicion of “money” that doesn’t exist in the physical world and thus feels ephemeral, as well as a general hostility toward concentrated economic power. But we think if people knew more about how central banks work, they wouldn’t feel quite so hostile toward the idea.
I am actually feeling a lot more hostility now that I’ve been tricked into hearing about central banks when all I wanted to do was order some Hello Kitty checks.
Oh. Sorry.
WARREN G. HARDING
1921–1923 | Republican
Favorite Pickup Line
“I’d like to return to normalcy all over you.”
You probably don’t know much about Warren G. Harding, except that he looks like sex on wheels. Or maybe feet. It’s hard to tell from this photo whether he has feet or wheels.
But if you’d like to get to know him better, there’s an easy way to do it: Go to the Library of Congress and read the thousands of pages of steamy love letters that he wrote to his mistress. Go ahead—we’ll just admire Harding’s eyebrows while you’re gone.
All done? Great. Now you know Warren G. Harding extremely well. Also, your cheeks are a little flushed.
Considering what an erotic and sensual man Harding is, it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that he was a very popular president. In fact, he won the popular vote by the largest margin in American history! Which, unfortunately, does not reflect well on our ability to judge the competency of presidential candidates. Harding was not a very good president, and many consider him to be one of the worst presidents of all time. Which isn’t really fair, since “all time” isn’t over yet. Let’s just say he’s one of the wor
st presidents so far.
SCANDAL!
You’d think that after meeting some guy on vacation in Hawaii, you could trust him enough to make him director of the Veterans’ Bureau, right? Well, no. Harding learned this lesson the hard way, when his director of the Veterans’ Bureau was caught taking drugs and alcohol that were meant for veterans’ hospitals and selling them to drug dealers and bootleggers. Some of whom, in his defense, might have been veterans.
Why You’ll Love Him
He knows how to have a good time. The way to have a good time is to play poker, drink, and chew tobacco. There—now you know how to have a good time, too! And that’s why we’ve included a cuspidor on this page, just for you.
He’ll send you love letters. The letters are NSFW, so definitely don’t bring them to work with you and read them aloud at your weekly staff meeting.
He’ll write you poetry. Unfortunately, he’s under the mistaken impression that “paradise” rhymes with “thighs.”
He can’t say “no.” Harding once told a group of reporters, “It is a good thing I am not a woman. I would always be pregnant. I cannot say no.” And that is how you flirt with a group of reporters.
Spit tobacco here.
DIY PROJECT:
LEARN CODE
Harding came up with a bunch of code words to use in his love letters to Carrie Phillips, so if the letters were intercepted, people would just think, “Wow, these are really weird love letters.” To prepare for the possibility that Harding will send you love letters, you should go ahead and learn his secret code now. Once you’ve committed it to memory, tear out this page and eat it. (You’ll also be eating a bunch of photos of Warren G. Harding, as an added bonus.)
REPAIR This is the word Harding uses to indicate what date he’ll be arriving in New York, in case you want to meet him in New York for a tryst, or rob his house while he’s out of town.
GRATEFUL = All my love to the last precious drop. For example, Harding might write, “I want to fill you up with grateful.”
GATE = I want paradise in your embrace. Harding missed a great opportunity here to rhyme “paradise” with “thighs.”
DELIVER = I am asking for your embrace. Which could be confusing if he ever actually wants you to deliver something.
DOLPHIN = Things have gone wrong here. And they have indeed, if Warren G. Harding is writing to you about dolphins.
DESIRE = I send you eight kisses. So if he sends you a telegram that says, “Desire! Desire! Desire! Desire!” that means he’s sending you 32 kisses. No one at the telegraph office will suspect that the two of you are having an affair.
DEARER = I’d like to bring you the scepter tonight and make you my queen. He doesn’t explain what “scepter” is code for, so you’ll just have to guess!
MRS. POUTERSON This is his code name for Carrie Phillips. Or, depending on whom you ask, his code name for her vagina. I bet you didn’t even realize that vaginas needed code names!
JERRY This is his penis.
SCANDAL!
Prepare to have your world turned upside down, because the Teapot Dome scandal had nothing to do with teapots. It was all about oil! The oil wasn’t even being kept inside of teapots, even though that is a great place to keep oil.
Harding’s secretary of the interior was caught taking bribes from oil companies in exchange for letting them drill in government-owned oil fields. This was called the Teapot Dome scandal because one of the oil fields was near a big rock that is supposed to look like a teapot, but actually looks nothing like a teapot. If you ask us, that’s the real scandal.
SCANDAL!
A few Harding appointees seized a German-owned company and transferred it to a new owner in exchange for bribe money. It was easier to get away with this kind of stuff in the aftermath of WWI, which you already know if you’ve ever tried seizing Volkswagen.
Here’s a Tip
If you’d like to have an affair with Warren G. Harding, there are a few dos and dont’s you should keep in mind to help you have the best affair possible
DO: Pursue him. Harding was pursued fairly aggressively by his wife, Florence, his mistress Carrie Phillips, and his other mistress Nan Britton. And look at how it worked out for them! Or just take our word for it that it worked out fine.
DON’T: Talk about Germany all the time. If the FBI suspects you’re a German spy, like they did Carrie Phillips, then it might not be such a good idea to go on and on about how much you love Germany. (Because it’s boring.)
DO: Blackmail him. When Carrie Phillips threatened to reveal her affair with Harding, the Republican Party paid her off and sent her on all-expenses-paid trip to Japan! It’s just like winning The Price Is Right, but without the hard part where you have to guess how much dining room furniture costs.
DON’T: Destroy evidence. The key to a good blackmail is to have evidence. Carrie Phillips saved over a thousand love letters from Harding, some written on Senate stationery. And Harding didn’t want to get in trouble for stealing office supplies! In contrast, nobody believed Nan Britton about her affair with Harding, because she destroyed all of his letters, and the only evidence she had was a baby with really good eyebrows.
Vital Stats
Looks: 7
This is what happens when you let women vote!
Physique: 4
According to a 1946 article in Life magazine, Harding had a “‘high stomach’—his paunch sat way up, crowding his breastbone.” And before you say, “I’d rather a high, tight paunch than a low, sagging one,” no you wouldn’t.
Charisma: 2
If you read any of Harding’s speeches, you might come away with the sense that he does not know what order words are supposed to go in. H. L. Mencken compared Harding’s inaugural address to “a string of wet sponges,” although in Harding’s defense, how you feel about a string of wet sponges depends a lot on context.
Modesty: 8
Harding was always telling people that the job of president was totally beyond his abilities. At the time, people thought he was just really modest. Now we are not so sure.
CALVIN COOLIDGE
1923–1929 | Republican
Maybe you’re not interested in a president who annoys you by talking all the time, or even by talking some of the time. Enter Calvin Coolidge.
There is something undeniably attractive about a man who doesn’t talk. If you don’t believe us, just try talking to any man for any length of time without becoming overwhelmed with revulsion. It’s hard, right? And that is just one of Coolidge’s many attractive qualities; he is also brooding, controlling, and spends much of the day asleep. Like a cat! And people like cats, right? Or at least they tolerate them.
But there’s more to Calvin Coolidge than silence and controlling behavior. He also enjoys practical jokes! As president, his favorite joke was to call for his staff and then hide somewhere, like under his desk or behind the curtains. His aides would search frantically for him, all while quietly reconsidering the choices they had made in life. Good one, Calvin Coolidge!
How to Win His Heart
Don’t drive, talk politics, or wear pants. Coolidge forbade his wife from doing all of these things. So make sure not to tell him what you think about politics while wearing a pantsuit and running him over with your car. He will definitely not be impressed!
Give him daily Vaseline scalp massages. Coolidge liked to start the day by having breakfast in bed while someone massaged his scalp with Vaseline. If you play your cards right, that “someone” could be you!
Here’s a Tip
Coolidge first met his wife, Grace, when she spotted him through a window, shaving while wearing only his underwear and a hat. So if you’re single, take a page from Grace Coolidge’s book and try spying on half-naked men through windows. When you get caught, just explain to the arresting officer that you’re trying to find a husband. You’ll both have a good laugh, and then you’ll be able to resume your courtship.
SCANDAL!
Grace Coolid
ge was the subject of gossip after she and her handsome Secret Service agent took a “hike” in the “Black Hills of South Dakota” and got “lost” for “several hours.”
The press insinuated that the First Lady was having an affair, as did we, with our excessive use of quotation marks. But the boring truth is that nothing was going on between Grace Coolidge and her Secret Service agent. And even though using an excessive amount of quotation marks is fun, it is wrong and we promise to never do it again. Or at least not until we get to Bill Clinton.
Why You’ll Love Him
He sleeps for 14 hours a day.
Nothing is sexier than a man who is extremely, extremely well rested.
He refers to every meal as “supper.”
Ha! That will never get old.
He has a pygmy hippopotamus.
This could mean any number of things!
SEE HOW QUIET HE IS? IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE THIS IS A BOOK. HE’S ALWAYS LIKE THAT!
Vital Stats
Looks: 6
You just want to wipe that stern expression off his face with a kiss or, alternatively, a damp washcloth.
Physique: 6
Coolidge stays fit by riding a mechanical horse, often while wearing a cowboy hat, and possibly while shirtless.*
Charisma: 2
He gets one point for his weird practical jokes and one point for pity. (Our pity, for him. There is no evidence that he himself felt pity for anyone.)