Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  He came in at his usual time, and she patted the bed beside her, unsure of which part of her was going to win this battle. Her heart or her head.

  “You look serious.” He leaned down and caressed her lips with his.

  Like clockwork, her body sizzled and came alive with his touch. “I’m cleared to go home. Of course, I will need some help. I wasn’t planning on having a Cesarean section.”

  He rubbed her shoulder and yielded the appropriate response. She melted. “I’m here to take care of you.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot. But it’s not only me that needs taking care of. I will need help with Maddy too.” Her breath froze and refused to take the path out of her lungs as she waited for his answer. This was the make it or break it part of their situation.

  His move away from her was expected, so she released her breath.

  She knew all his looks, and this one was classic. He was looking for an out.

  He paused, scratched his head. “I’ll be back at work.”

  So he went with that one. Okay, she’d give him that one. “I know, but as a new mum, I need help too. I need support. All new mothers do. So I was thinking of moving in with Judie. She’s happy to have me, and I won’t be a bother to her.”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Just for a while. Until I can handle Maddy on my own and she gets into a routine.”

  She bit her lip so hard it drew blood.

  He rubbed his finger against the sensitive part of her lip. “Don’t chew up your lip like that. I know this is hard on you.”

  She could see the hell he was going through. Guilt made her sick as the moments stretched.

  Finally he met her gaze. “I’ll help,” he whispered.

  Chapter Twelve

  Nick couldn’t wait for Skye to see the nursery. The old house was ruined, but he’d worked so hard on this room the rental house for her. He knew she’d love it. It was exactly like the one they’d lost. She’d know he was trying.

  The room would have been too pink, like the other one, but the blue fairies with glitter all over them made it feel like the best place in the world for her little girl to grow up.

  “Do I have to cover my eyes?” She giggled as she walked toward the room.

  They had left all the baby things downstairs, and she was carrying Maddy in her arms. She refused to let her go.

  He knew she was going to like this surprise.

  “You can open them now,” he said.

  He watched as she looked around the room. Her mouth slightly open in surprise. Her eyes alight with wonder. She went into the room and touched the walls and turned around and smiled at him. “It’s like the old house. You made it like the old room.”

  He felt bubbly. “You didn’t work on the nursery. Your baby needed to be at home, so I helped.” He wasn’t sure why he was sounding like a little boy. It was the oddest thing.

  She went to the chair he’s ordered and sat down. It was a rocking chair. She squealed in delight. “This is perfect. I always wanted one of these.” She looked down at the baby in her arms. “Maddy, this is your room.”

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  Her eyes smiled. “Nick, I love it.”

  Nick stood at the door watching Skylar as she rocked Maddison.

  “You made this exactly how I wanted it. Why?”

  He came and sat next to her. His finger ran along her cheek with a whisper of a touch.

  “I thought I lost you. It was the worst moment of my life. Couldn't compare to anything I had experienced. I’m never letting you go again.”

  She watched him for the longest moment. “I think I can live with that, Nick Delaney. I don’t know how this all works.” She sighed, looking down at Maddy.

  His gut clenched. The baby. He didn’t know how it would work either.

  “But we’ll make it work,” she said, letting the tip of her finger run along the baby’s cheek.

  He took a painful breath. “So what would you like for dinner?”

  “Not sure. Why don’t you choose? I want to have a shower. Hospital showers just don’t account for much.”

  His concerned gazed pulled toward the baby. What if the baby needed something?

  She followed his gaze. “Maddy is fine. I’ve fed and changed her. She will be settled for at least the next few hours.”

  He’d promised he’d help. That was the deal. He looked at the sleeping child. She looked innocent enough. He was trained in combat. Could kill with his hands. Surely, a baby wasn’t going to cause him terror? Well, right now it did.

  “Nick?”

  He swallowed a soft curse. “Sure. I’ll keep an eye on it for you.”

  Skye’s gaze went from the baby to Nick. “I’ll leave the door slightly ajar and keep the baby monitor within distance.”

  She still wasn’t convinced but the pull of a hot shower was too tempting to pass up and armed with a fluffy towel, she gave Maddy one last peek and headed toward the bathroom.

  Twenty minutes after Skye left for her shower, Nick heard snuffling noises from the nursery. Taking the steps two by two, he entered the nursery and stood by the cot.

  The pink bundle was stretching out pink arms and starting to make kitten noises.

  This wasn’t good. He took a quick survey and found a mobile above the cot. Would that work? He tried to think back to his neonates. Milestones. It was too early for babies to be distracted by things like that.

  So why did Skye put that up there in the old room, which he’d mirrored here? To throw him off.

  Maddy started those noises again. This time the sounds became persistent. Hell. He looked at his watch. Would Skye be done?

  He could check. He walked toward the bathroom and stopped outside the door. Should he knock? He could ask her if she was done.

  This was frustrating. No. He couldn’t disturb her. If she thought the baby was in trouble, she’d rush. So he walked back into the nursery and looked around.

  Think. What could he do?

  Got it. He took out his phone and dialed.

  He waited for three rings before the phone was picked up. “Hello.”

  He cradled the phone on his shoulder and lifted the blanket carefully as the noises started growing louder. He tapped at the blanket lightly. “Judie, that you? It’s me, Nick.”

  “Nick. Is something the matter with Skye or the baby?” she asked with concern.

  Nick thought about how silly the next part would sound. “Er, no. But the baby is up and crying. I don’t know what to do.”

  She chuckled. “Where’s Skye?”

  “She’s in the shower. It woke up, and I don’t know what to do.” Nick stared at the blanket. One hand had poked through.

  “Nick, have you ever held a baby before?” she asked.

  That was a stupid question. He’d delivered many babies. “Of course.”

  “Then you’ll be fine. Stop fretting so much. I’ll stop by later this week.” With that, the phone went dead.

  He looked at the phone in his hand, thinking for a nurse she wasn’t very helpful and for a mother she wasn’t very motherly.

  It still didn’t solve his problem. He put the phone back in his pocket and looked down at the wriggling bundle. It couldn’t be hard. They didn’t give people licenses to have babies, did they? Although he often thought they should.

  A foot kicked out from the blanket. This kid was strong. Like her mother, of course. He peeled back the blanket and opened it up. She had on one of those baby grows, the one-piece kind. Hers said ‘Daddy’s little girl.’

  He traced the writing on the material. The child made another sound. Gently, he placed his hands under her and slowly picked her up.

  She didn’t stop wriggling, but those sounds died down. She scrunched up her eyes and then opened them. Slowly her gaze moved up and up to meet his.

  The blood in his veins crashed against the walls as something inside him surged, swished. As blood pounded, his chest froze, held the air trapped in his l
ungs, made his throat burn.

  Maddy.

  Maddison Delaney.

  His daughter.

  Which part of him had been so blind that he couldn’t see this? How could he throw this gift away? She was his daughter.

  He’d give it everything he had and try to be a good father. Because she was his daughter.

  His shoulders relaxed at the thought of being home, really home for the first time.

  “I knew you’d come around.” Skye stood at the door.

  He didn’t bother to hide the dampness in his eyes when he turned to her. “I always fail. Always. But you knew I wouldn’t this time.”

  She came into the room to stand beside him. “This wasn’t about me or our baby. Maybe it wasn’t about us as a family. There’s something inside you that needs to be healed.”

  “I’ve been angry. I didn’t think I deserved a family.” He pulled Maddy closer and kissed her cheek.

  “This goes back to your past. You need to talk to me about it.” Skye’s hand felt so good on his shoulder—it made him feel secure.

  “I was so angry with my mother. She promised she'd give up drinking so many times and I believed her each of those times. I was working two jobs and still we were barely making the rent. We were living on noodles. I was so tired. Tired of living on hand-me-downs. Tired of having to make excuses for why my homework was never done or why I was always tired.” His head dropped.

  Skye held him.

  “I was just tired. Bone tired.”

  She held him tighter.

  “One night I told her I was leaving. I was done. I walked out. That night it took me six hours to realize I couldn't leave her. She wasn’t independent. She relied on me for everything. She didn't know where the power switch was, and she wouldn't know how to turn on the heating. It was winter. So I went back. But I was too late.”

  He was struggling to get the words out.

  “She had taken her life. It was my fault, because I wasn’t there to help her. She didn’t know how to do anything for herself.”

  She clutched his hands. “It wasn't your fault. You can’t blame yourself for her actions. You did the best you could. You can’t be responsible for what she did.”

  Nick shook his head. “You don’t understand. If I hadn’t walked out…everything I touch turns bad.”

  “Not everything, Nick. There’s still a lot of good in you. I know you can’t see it, or feel it now, but I believe it.”

  *****

  Skylar was still a little sore, but she took Maddy from Nick and placed her in the cot. Then she held Nick. “It wasn't your fault. She made the choice.”

  “What if some of us weren’t meant to be parents?” His gaze still held too much hurt.

  Skye knew there was a lot more there Nick had to deal with.

  She put her finger over his lips and shook her head. “Shh. I don’t want you thinking like that. We are both meant to have this little girl. She’s ours and no one is going to take that away from us. I won’t let them.”

  She held onto him. It was the first time he’d let her in. It was a small step. But it was enough.

  The next morning when she went into the nursery, he was already in there changing Maddy.

  His actions were awkward and if she didn’t know any better, he was practicing the steps in his head as he was doing them. “You don't have to do that.”

  His glance told her she was right. “It's only been a few days since the delivery. You have to take it easy.”

  It was such a joyful sight that the smile was spontaneous. “You seem to be pretty good at that.”

  His tongue was touching the corner of his lip in a distracting way. “They come with instructions and when that proved a little difficult, I looked at a video on the Internet. Those can be useful for a lot of things.”

  That was more like the Nick she knew. “Does she need her bottle?”

  He searched for the nappy bin. “I don't think so. She was a little grizzly. I think that was her uncomfortable cry.” After disposing of the dirty diaper, he sighed in relief.

  “Wow. This is a side of you I haven't seen before.” She went to stand closer to him, and they both looked at Maddy in her cot as she wriggled around in her outfit.

  He folded his arms and cocked his head, looking extremely out of place in his camouflage pants and sleeveless vest in the pink room. “I think these one-piece suits were developed as a challenge to parents. Put it on properly with all the buttons, and you pass. Get it wrong and you fail.”

  She caught his smile and touched his cheek. His face was relaxed. She'd never seen it like this before. His rugged, unshaved look was good enough to walk onto the cast of any new TV show and be the hot member that blew them away.

  It would be so easy to close the distance between them and kiss him. Those lips so soft and inviting. The look in his eyes told her he wanted it too. Nothing stopped her from doing it.

  Her throat hurt from the tube they'd stuck down it and from the dryness of wanting to be kissed by the man standing in front of her.

  He swayed toward her and let his lips caress hers in the warmest, softest touch that made her feel like she was getting an electric zap.

  He traced his tongue along her lips, and she froze when he stopped.

  “Is this what it feels like?” he asked.

  She stood there. Not moving. Heart racing. Mind exploding with thoughts of where could this be going.

  When she was silent, he pulled back. “Skye?”

  “What do you mean, Nick?” she asked, holding her breath as she waited for him to answer.

  “Is this what it feels like to be happy?” His gaze captured hers.

  In that very moment, Skylar knew for sure what lay in her future. She closed the distance between them and kissed him like a woman who’d been starved for too long. She pulled him closer as he gently held her in his arms, making sure she didn't hurt herself.

  Between kisses, he whispered the words that she needed to hear. “This is the forever kind of love, and I’m never leaving you again.”

  It was minutes later when they pulled apart.

  “Ouch.” She felt a twinge in her side.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “A little sore. I might have pulled something. I'll get some rest. Keep an eye on Maddy.”

  He watched her as she held onto her side.

  Shaking her head and waving his concerned gaze away, she shrugged. “I'm fine. Really.”

  “Famous words.” He walked toward her, his intent on picking her up clear.

  She couldn’t help the light-hearted giggle. “I always dreamed of this. But somehow in my dreams, it was for a different reason you were picking me up and taking me to bed.”

  He brushed her lips with his. The slightest of caresses giving her the most heated of responses. “Give it six weeks, baby, and then we can revisit that fantasy.”

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he gently lifted her legs into his arms. “I never thought I'd see a real one.”

  “See what?” He looked down at her.

  “A genuine smile from the man I love. I thought the chances of seeing pigs fly would have better odds.”

  He shrugged innocently. “Pigs can fly.”

  She reached up and kissed him. This was the life she’d wanted, and she was finally with the man of her dreams. She reached up and brushed back his hair.

  The fleeting look wasn’t something he could hide well, but she chose to ignore it. He wasn’t used to being happy yet. She’d change his mind. She knew she could.

  *****

  “Skylar, wake up. Something’s not right.”

  Skye rubbed at her eyes and looked at the clock beside her bed. The red flashing digits read 1:43 a.m. “I just fed Maddy an hour ago. She is fine.”

  “I know. But I could hear noises and the apnea monitor went off, so went in to check on her. She was blue. I have managed to get her breathing again, and she is okay. I started her on oxygen.”

 
“You what? You had an apnea monitor installed? She stopped breathing? Wait. What?”

  Skylar was instantly awake. Maddy had stopped breathing. She didn't know which to deal with first. Maddy had stopped breathing or Nick's OCD when it came to taking care of her. But right now, that obsessive nature helped save her daughter's life.

  “Is the ambulance on its way?” she asked.

  He was already changed. “Yes. I got your clothes out. You don't have much time.”

  There were so many things going on in her head. Had she not burped her properly? Was she responsible for this?

  Doubt knocked her senses flat.

  “We don't have time. I have to go back to Maddy. Will you be okay?” He stood at the door.

  “Yes. I will. Go. Is she okay?” She climbed out of bed and pulled on her jeans.

  Nick let his fingers run through his hair. “Yes. I have her connected to a Sats monitor as well. Everything looks stable.”

  Was there anything he didn't have?

  She was dressed, ready and at Maddy's side. The nursery had turned into a special care baby unit. Nick had all the conveniences one would find in a tertiary hospital.

  She was surprised there was no ventilator and then as though he was reading her mind, he pointed to the small machine in the corner of the room.

  His voice held that worried thread. “It's not a ventilator but a portable CPAP machine.”

  She looked from the equipment to him. “Why?”

  “I want to make sure that I had everything I needed to save her life, should anything happen.”

  “We'll talk later.” She looked at Maddy, who had nasal prong oxygen. Her breathing was fast. Too fast for a baby. Skylar picked up the top she was wearing. Her chest was moving up and down so rapidly.

  “She's working so hard.” She turned to Nick.

  His gaze told her he was way ahead of her. “I need to get her to PICU and get a blood gas drawn.”

  “Where's that damn ambulance?” Skylar looked out the window.

  Nick had already paced the path and had returned to Maddy’s side. “They're outside. I heard them pull up. She is going to be okay.”