Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  She wanted to believe him. “Why is this happening? It's the complication from the chicken pox. It was worse than we thought. It's her heart, right? Has to be.”

  Nick put his hand on hers as they both held onto Maddy. “She's a fighter. Like her mum. It's been eight days since the delivery. The PDA in her heart has closed. Which means any other abnormality can show up.”

  Damn. This couldn’t be happening. They had checked her out. She was fine. “But we asked them to look for abnormalities.”

  Nick squeezed her hand. “Sometimes they don't see it that early.”

  Hell. Her eyes closed from being scared of all of the ‘what ifs’. “If anything happens...”

  He was so sure. “It won't.”

  She hung onto those stone-sculpted words, because those were all she had as the medics came in. Within minutes, they transferred Maddy. Skylar was allowed to sit with her on the ride to the hospital, a ride that took five minutes but seem like an hour.

  Nick had to follow them in the car. She didn’t want to think what was going on in his mind. He’d just found his girl a few days ago and now she might be taken away.

  But Skye hung onto Nick’s words the entire time. As they rushed Maddy into the PICU, they intubated her. Skylar cried as they placed a breathing tube into Maddy and connected the tube to a ventilator so she could breathe.

  She felt sick at the events now that she was on the other side of it. Not the nurse but the parent. So she had to watch, not do. She had to be the helpless one. Nick paced the room like a caged animal. He was so wired and in so much pain, Skye didn’t know how to help. So she sat there in from of Maddy and watched. Sat and prayed. Hoped.

  They waited as Maddy had x-rays. They continued to wait, while the medical team had different discussions. They spoke with the pediatric surgeons and the neonatologists, then the cardiologists. Sometimes all of them.

  “Transposition of the great arteries. TGA. How could we have not picked up that the arteries were switched the wrong way?”

  Nick let her vent, but she could see he was a solid wall of something, working hard not to crumble.

  “So give me the stats? What's the survival rate for this? Will my girl make it?” Nick's tone was matter-of-fact.

  His words sliced through her. She felt his pain as strongly as hers. His hands whitened against hers.

  The pediatric cardiologist looked at his colleagues and then spoke, “If we go in and fix the defect, your baby will go on to live a normal life.”

  Nick’s hands relaxed slightly. “If we choose not to.”

  The team agreed. “Then her life expectancy will be a couple of months.”

  All the air was sucked out the room, and Skye couldn’t take the next breath. With her nightmare confirmed, the room was too small, there was no air to breathe. She had to leave. The truth was, when it came to doctors and her family, luck was never on her side.

  The pagers of the men in the room went off to herald a sign of trouble, and Skylar felt sick all over again. Would it not stop?

  Each of the men looked at their pagers and then at each other before excusing themselves and rushing out. “It's Maddy.” She followed them, clutching onto her aching tummy. Right now everything ached, even the Cesarean scar, but she didn't let that stop her. Nick was close behind.

  His voice was next to her ear. “You need to take it easy.”

  Despair was all she could manage. “I don’t think I can survive this.”

  They entered the pediatric intensive care unit, and she went to Maddy's incubator. “Tell me what's going on?”

  The cardiologist gave his orders to the nurses and then took Nick and Skylar aside. We have an infusion of prostaglandin running to keep the PDA open, but we need to do a balloon septostomy. That's where we—”

  Skye looked at the man in front of her. “I know what it is. You're going to use a balloon to make a hole in her heart. She’s not getting oxygen to her brain and if you don’t do this, she will die.”

  He paused and nodded. “Right now we need to get oxygen to the right place and without it…” He let the sentence trail.

  The cardiologist looked from Nick to Skylar. “We can schedule the surgery as soon as possible.”

  Pure filthy fear poured into her like sewer water.

  Doctors had this certain way when they spoke and the chances weren’t too good. She knew of course. She could tell by the way he didn’t quite meet her gaze when he spoke his next words.

  “We don't have much time. So I am going to go set up for the procedure. I'll get the anesthetist to discuss consent with you. I know you're both in the medical field. This is hard.”

  “What would you do?” Nick looked at the cardiologist and then at Maddy. “If this was your girl and she was the most important person in the world.”

  Hell, Nick. Make it that hard on him. Skye turned away from both men.

  “I would give her every chance. Then I would know I tried. It's all we can do as parents.”

  “Doctor, do you have children?” The despair in Nick’s voice stabbed her heart.

  He nodded. “Then prepare for surgery. As soon as you can.” Skylar leaned against Nick.

  The days before the big surgery were the worst. There were days Maddy responded well to treatment, and then there were days she was so tired, they weren’t sure of what would happen.

  Each of those days Skylar and Nick were there, by her side. Watching her. Hoping. Praying. But silent in their own grief. Their pain tangled in their need.

  On the day of the operation, Skylar woke early and went down into the kitchen. Nick was already there, drinking coffee. Staring into space.

  She poured herself a cup and sat next to him. What did one say at a time like this? Hey, big day today.

  They had spent hours with Maddy, but they were too scared to talk about the reality.

  So many breakthroughs had been made in the past few weeks in their relationship, but it all seemed so unimportant when they had to deal with the mammoth task of saving their daughter’s life.

  The coffee tasted weak. “Are you a religious man, Nick?'

  He pursed his lips. “It's hard to be religious when you've had a life like mine. But the last few months have made me feel differently. These last few weeks—” His shoulders remained slumped.

  Skye looked down at her fingers as they wrapped around the mug. “There's a reason for everything, right?”

  His hands covered hers. “She's going to be okay. I won't accept anything less.”

  Boy, did she love this man. This man with his efficient take on life.

  And the right equipment. She looked toward the stairs. “You never told me why you have all that equipment in the nursery.”

  He turned his mug around and traced the design. “I was hoping we could change fate.”

  Could they?

  Two broken people who believed they didn’t deserve these chances. “Maddy is ours and she changed our fate. I know it may not seem like it right now but whatever happens, however it happens, I don’t regret it.”

  Something in his gaze broke. “You don’t?”

  She shook her head. “No. I don’t. I won’t change a thing. I’ve been alone since forever and I’ve believed having a man, having any man in my life would change that. You showed me different.”

  “I’m not sure.” His voice was husky.

  It was making sense, and she knew it. “I’m sure. You see, it was always you. Even when it wasn’t you, it was you that could fill my heart and feed my soul. Maddy was meant for us.”

  “That story I was telling you, about when I was posted in Helmand—”

  She grasped his hand. “You will tell me the story in time, but it’s not as important as you think. What’s important is you can change fate. Whatever you had planned for yourself, you changed it. You’re here. Now. So you changed it.”

  Doubt shadowed his gaze. “But—”

  Skye shook her head. “You didn’t leave. You stayed. You chose.”


  His chin dropped. “What if I don’t deserve this?”

  Skye put her hand on his. “Nick, I have never met anyone like you. You are someone who will walk into a blazing fire without thinking of yourself, as long as it means saving someone else. A heart like yours is rare. Courage like yours, that's a gift. You keep doing these things as if it’s repentance for something you’ve done wrong, but you need to stop.” She squeezed his hand. “We're going to bring Maddy back home, and she is going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman. Someone we are going to adore for the rest of our lives. Together. I love you. Completely. Passionately. With no hidden agenda. So tell me why you’re so scared something is going to happen to our child? Why do you think something will go wrong?”

  Was he surprised that she’d read him that easily? The look in his eyes said he was.

  “I have never had someone say those things to me. Never.”

  She smiled. Her heart ached that it had taken this long for them to be honest. “I'll never get used to seeing you smile. Do it more often. I fall in love with you more every time you do.”

  When he looked down shyly, she smiled. “It doesn't get you off the hook. Talk to me. What’s got you so scared?”

  “What if something goes wrong? Things go wrong no matter how hard you try or want it to go right. I know that now. I saw it happen before my eyes, and I couldn’t help.”

  Worry made her sit back. “What are you talking about?”

  He fidgeted with his fingers. “I was never affected like that before. Not by anything, especially not a death.”

  This was not the time for this. They had bigger things happening today. She bit her lip. “You ever thought the reason you were like that, was so you wouldn’t get emotionally involved. It was never because you couldn’t be involved, but it was a way for you to not get involved.”

  He straightened. “I took a psychology class once too, you know.”

  “This had to have happened in Australia. What happened, Nick?”

  He leaned back. “The clinic I was working at was underequipped, but it had the very basics. We weren't supposed to be doing anything fancy. Just basic general practice stuff. Everything else got transferred to Merriden Hospital. But there was this woman who travelled over to us in labor. Twin deliveries. Second twin was a footling breech. Then cord prolapsed.”

  Damn. He wouldn’t have been able to handle that. “Oh, Nick. I'm sorry.”

  “We tried. Jen and I tried. We just didn't have the equipment. We didn't even have a scan or a monitor. We used a Doppler to listen to the heart rate.”

  He went quiet. Neither moved. “We listened as the baby died, as that heart rate slowed.”

  Now she understood why he had all of the equipment. It made sense. Having to be there and listen as the baby died. Be helpless. She could say words, but they would mean nothing.

  She went to stand behind him and wrapped her arms around him. Their grief was palpable. Nothing was fair. It wasn’t fair that they both had been through so much, yet still they had more to go through. It wasn’t fair.

  “We need to leave.” His voice was thick and soft.

  When they arrived at the hospital, everything became real. Skylar and Nick stood hand in hand and watched helplessly as everything happened around them.

  Maddy was being prepped for surgery. Consent forms were being checked and double-checked. It would be a few hours in surgery. The procedure had been explained.

  Skylar traced the pattern around Maddy's little hand, a hand so small and so soft.

  “Can you imagine when she grows up and goes to pre-school and makes those finger paintings?”

  Nick took her other hand. “I can't wait to teach her things. Like riding a bike.”

  “You're going to let her ride a bike?” She thought about the little boy that fell off his bike and came into the emergency room. The Nick who sat with that boy was very different from the Nick sitting here right now.

  “What did I tell you? As long as it meets all safety requirements, this little girl can do anything she wants.”

  “Promise me,” she said.

  Nick’s dark gaze didn’t leave hers. “We're going to be there at her wedding. That I promise you.”

  She nodded. “Together.”

  “Always and forever.”

  An hour passed and a nurse came out with an update. Maddy was doing well. She was on cardiac bypass. So far, things were going as planned.

  Two hours, another nurse. Maddy was stable. But Skylar could sense something wasn't right. “I need to get in there.”

  He shook his head, his gaze on the door. “We have to let them do their jobs.”

  Following his gaze, she stared at the door. “No, we have to be there for our girl. Something doesn't feel right. Did you see the way the nurse avoided looking at me? Something is not right.”

  He tried to reassure her. “If something was wrong, she wouldn't lie. They know who we are. We have one of the best cardiologists in there. Let's just take this one step at a time. She will be fine. I won't accept anything less.”

  Skye met his gaze. How could he be so sure? “You keep saying that.”

  He took her in his arms. “She’s going to be okay.”

  The thought that Maddy wouldn't be all right was not something she wanted to think about. But Nick was correct. She was seeing things that weren't there. She had to calm down.

  The surgery door opened. This time it was the neonatologists. Skylar looked at the clock. It was too soon for the operation to be over. They had explained all that was wrong with Maddy's heart and the procedures they would have to do.

  She wrung her hands and swallowed a dry breath. “What is it?”

  The neonatologist was still in his theatre clothes. “There are some complications. There is more work to be done than we thought. I wanted to make sure you're aware. We'll keep her on bypass and continue working.”

  “Her chances?” Nick grabbed her hand as he asked the question she was too scared to ask.

  He looked at Nick. She knew that look but shook her head. No.

  The man remained calm. “Let's continue working. I'll be out when I have more news.”

  “Damn, we don't do easy, do we?” Nick pulled her into his arms.

  Her cheeks felt hot and wet. “Don't you dare say it's going to be okay. If you say that, I swear I'll punch you.”

  He held her tighter. “You can try.”

  “Why is it so hard for people like you and me?”

  “People like you and me?” he asked.

  “Look around, Nick. Some people find it so easy to find love. They do the marriage thing and have babies. Everything works out. Is this some sort of payback? It is, isn't it? For the mistakes I made. For wanting it all.”

  He held on tighter until she stopped sobbing. He only let go when he was sure she was ready.

  She shook her head. He was going to think she was a flake. Her baby was at risk and she was losing it. “I'm sorry. You don't need this.”

  He bent down and kissed the top of her head. “You're going to think this is so rich coming from me, but here goes. Skye, do you really think you have it bad?”

  “Huh?” she asked.

  “Think about it. Really think about it. Look at what we have. Each other. A beautiful baby girl who is going to make it.”

  “How can you be so sure?” Her expectant gaze sought his.

  “You make me so sure. Before you, I was a man who had a life but didn't know how to live. You showed me how to live. Skye, it’s because of you I can breathe again. You are my breath and my heart. My life and my being.”

  “I love you.”

  “All that matters now is I love you too. No one is going to take my family away from me.”

  “Nick, you can't—”

  His hold on her got tighter. “No one.”

  She put her arms around him. Soaked up his strength and his belief. “We’ll be okay.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “So Doc, she's
all right? She passed her checkup with flying colors.”

  “Your little girl is doing really well.” Skylar traced the scar on Maddy’s chest. “She's a fighter.”

  “Like her mum,” Nick said from across the room.

  She couldn't believe it was three months already, and Maddy was having her checkup after her operation.

  “So we'll see you next time?”

  “If there is a problem. Otherwise I will see you in a couple of months.”

  She felt panic snake across her spine. “Maybe one more appointment?”

  The doctor leaned back. “It's natural to be worried. But she’s doing really well.”

  Skye wasn’t sure. Did he examine her properly? Look at her scar? “She was on bypass for so long.”

  Instead of listening to her, he smiled and scribbled on a notepad. “She shows no signs of any effects of that. You two are very lucky. Maddy is doing everything according to her milestones.”

  Skye flapped a hand to get Nick’s attention, but he was gazing down at Maddy. Was everyone trying to drive her nuts? She pulled out her diary. “I have some time available in the next few weeks. I am more than happy to swing by.”

  The older man gazed up at Skye and then linked his hands together. His tone took on that calm-down-missy one that she used with some of her anxious patients. “Maddy is doing really well. If you have concerns, by all means give me a call. But Skye, she has recovered well. You have nothing to be worried about.”

  Nick carried the car seat out of the doctor’s office.

  “Did you hear his tone?” Skye asked as she followed Nick out.

  His smile was hidden for a second. “Tone, baby? I found him perfectly nice.”

  She swept past him. “Umph, you are all alike. Do you think we should get a copy of the milestones chart and hang it on the nursery wall?”

  Nick smiled. “Aren’t you being a little obsessive compulsive?”

  She gazed outside, looking right and left. Then she used a blanket to shield Maddy from any gusts of wind. “Just saying, might be a good thing to have.”

  Nick sighed. “Let's take a walk.”

  It was a nice day, and Maddy was snuggled safely in her carry car seat, which met all safety requirements. Sometimes obsessive compulsive had its benefits.