Unexpected Dreams: Dream Series, Book 4

by Isabelle Peterson

  “Oh, wow! Right. Wow,” I whispered, in awe that he would even ask me to be with him on such an emotional day.

  “Yeah. Forget I asked.”

  “Oh, hell no. I’ll be there. I’ll call and change my flight.”

  “You will? You would do that for me?”

  “I would do just about anything for you, Tanner.”

  “I feel like I’ve just been nothing but a soap opera with Ashley, Sara, and Oliver. And now I’ve asked you to do this…”

  “I’m honored that you would ask. And if anyone is the soap opera it’s been me with the way I acted when you came to town last week, and then asked me to the ball game.” I searched his eyes to see if he believed me. I wished I had a mirror so I could search my own eyes and see if I believed myself. Would I really be able to ‘walk the walk’ when I got back to Napa? Hell, what was I going to say to Elizabeth when we meet this morning? This morning!!

  I whipped my head around to find the clock on the side table. It was already 9:15! “Shit! I’m meeting Elizabeth in fifteen minutes.”

  “Elizabeth? Your ex-wife?”

  “Oh, right. I didn’t tell you what happened when I was leaving Phoebe’s birthday dinner.” I dropped my head in my hands and quickly relayed the little exchange Elizabeth and I had after everyone departed last night.

  “For the lack of a better word, Holy-fucking-shit! I’m sure that’s not how you wanted to talk about this with her.”

  “Exactly. The most bizarre thing was that she wasn’t outraged or judging. And she’s actually working on a charity gala supporting the gay community, GLSEN?”

  “Wow. It’s a great organization. They work toward preventing bullying of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered students in the schools.”

  “That’s the one.” I grew quiet and decided to tell Tanner about the one question Elizabeth had that bothered me the most. “She did ask if I’d been with men while we were together,” I said. “That hurt. I never really realized how affected she was. She was my wife, and mother of my kids, and I was so fucking oblivious. How could I have been so fucking blind?” It really hurt that I had been so oblivious with her that I hadn’t realized the sex wasn’t as satisfying as it could be. I glanced at the clock again and I saw that I had only ten minutes to make it downstairs.

  I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, and got dressed to talk to Elizabeth. Just before I left, I walked to Tanner who was watching the news coverage about tomorrow’s remembrance services for all those lost in what is now known as Patriot Day. I leaned over and kissed him quick. “Take your time. I don’t know how long I’ll be. Are you free for dinner tonight?”

  He shook his head. “We’ll be going to Mass for a special service. It’s tickets only, or I’d invite you. Afterward, my mother is usually pretty wrecked.” He pressed his lips together, and I could tell he wanted to say more, but I didn’t push. This had to be difficult, gathering year after year to remember losing your loved ones, and on such a public level.

  I nodded and kissed his forehead. I glanced at the clock and saw it was already 9:30. “Seriously, take as much time as you need. Even if you’re still here when I get back, but I have to go.” I stood and took a deep breath and started toward the door. Before I could take a full step away from the bed, Tanner grabbed my wrist and turned me around. He held my gaze and assured me, “It’ll be fine. Based on what you told me already, and if she’s really happy with this Jack guy, it’ll be fine.”

  As I took the elevator down, I had to get my thoughts together while I prepared to meet Elizabeth. I had no idea how this was going to start. I guess I needed to know what she saw, but did it matter? She’d already nailed it. I arrived at the hotel’s breakfast area to find Elizabeth already there, flipping through whatever was on her phone.

  I steadied my breath and walked over. She looked up and stood, a huge smile on her face. “Hi! I was starting to worry.”

  “Yeah,” I said, taking her gently in my arms and kissing her on the cheek. I missed her scent, but not in a sexual way. It was more in a familiar and comforting way. She kissed my cheek back and we sat. A waitress swung by immediately offering coffee, which I gladly accepted. I briefly considered asking her to toss in a shot of something to calm my growing nerves. Elizabeth and I quickly ordered a simple breakfast, and the waitress retreated.

  Elizabeth turned to me and smiled gently, waiting…for what I had no idea. Was she seriously expecting me to start discussing my personal life right off the bat?

  “You look well,” I started. “And very happy.” That thought hit me hard, again. My heart literally ached realizing that she hadn’t looked this way while we were together.

  “I’m very happy, thank you.

  “And Phoebe…wow. That was quite a surprise. A heads-up would have been nice.”

  Elizabeth’s face turned a little sad. “Phoebe insisted that she be the one to tell you. I wasn’t sure that she was right in springing this on you in a public venue but it seems that she was right. Thank you for not blowing up.” I nodded. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I probably would have hollered had we been in her apartment or someplace private. “She was ‘safe’ but accidents happen.” I nodded. “You should be very proud of her, though. She’s really handling everything so very well. Charlie is simply wonderful. He adores her, treats her with so much respect, and she’s really managing everything so maturely. Work, school, this whole adoption process…”

  My coffee was delivered, Elizabeth’s was refilled, and we doctored our cups quietly. The air was charged and I sensed the discussion was about to turn.

  “So tell me about this man from last night.”

  My body started buzzing and my heart pounded furiously. I would have liked a few more minutes of idle chit-chat.

  “No judging, I promise,” she said, laying a hand on mine. I glanced at her. Written all over her face were only caring and compassion.

  I knew she wouldn’t judge. Her older sister, Suzie was gay. I guess if anyone would understand it would be Elizabeth. But… “I have no idea where to start,” I stated. And really, I didn’t. Should I start with ‘Turns out, I’m gay.’

  “How about his name.”

  I could do that. “Tanner.” A smile appeared on my face as I said his name. The mere thought of Tanner did that to me, but to say his name felt great.

  “And how did you meet Tanner? Start from the beginning. I really want to understand what’s going on. I promise.”

  I sipped my coffee and took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. “I met Tanner about a month ago. Some brute was about to kick his ass, over what I wasn’t certain, but I was feeling badly, and felt that if I’d gotten punched instead of this guy, Tanner, that it would feel better than the pain I was feeling. I’m so sorry, Elizabeth. I never knew I was pushing you away. I was a lousy husband.”

  “Hey, I’m fine. I’m really good actually. I’m coming to believe that everything happens for a reason. Back to Tanner.”

  I searched my thoughts and continued. I explained how Tanner had started as a casual meet at The Den, then a client. I told her all about him, and that I’d learned all of this with him as a client and as a friend. We had just been ‘hanging out’ and then the fateful night when I first saw his bare chest. “It has been the scariest thing in my life, Elizabeth.”

  “Why would that be so scary? I’m watching you and I’m so happy for you. I am seeing the man that I always knew was inside. Well, maybe a bit differently now,” she said with a wink.

  “My reaction was so sudden. So immediate. Like a switch? You know? But one that can’t be turned off.” My own words echoed in my head. It was true. I wasn’t going to suddenly be un-gay.

  A soft smile blanketed her face as she nodded gently. “I believe I do,” she said quietly. It didn’t go unnoticed that she was thumbing an infinity ring on hand. Must have been a trinket from Jack. I hoped to hell that Jack made Elizabeth feel the way I felt when I was with Tanner.

  “I’m sorr
y.”

  “Would you stop apologizing? Clearly, you didn’t know. You’d always been a ‘ladies man.’ I’m certain that with your mother and father and their strict household, you were preached to from an early age. Certainly obvious with the way they treated my sister,” she said. Oh yes. My parents never hid how they felt about Elizabeth’s sister, Suzie. Just like they never hid it in our family that homosexuality was a grave, no-redemption sin.

  “And we have three very amazing children,” she continued. I knew she was right, but… it was like she read my mind, she said, “But what?” My eyes grew wide. “I’ve always been able to read you like a book,” she said. “Granted, this is a surprise chapter, but it all kind of makes sense. So, what…”

  “I—I can’t…” I stammered. She fixed her large brown eyes on me and crossed her arms across her chest. I sighed, and knew I was going to lose this one. “It’s just…with Tanner…so…” I felt my face heat. “No, I can’t,” I breathed, chickening out.

  “It feels right? It feels satisfying? You feel whole? Complete?”

  “God. How do you do that?” I asked, partially amazed that she’d pegged it all so succinctly.

  “Like I said…‘A book.’ Actually, and no offense to you, but it’s the same for me and Jack.”

  There was the other part. I had been a colossal failure as a husband. That I’d held onto this woman for so long because she took care of me, but I hadn’t returned the ‘favor’. She was unfulfilled for so long, and it was my fault. She hadn’t been the problem in our marriage. That was all on me.

  “And one thing my work with GLSEN has taught me,” Elizabeth continued, “is that we are who we are. Many believe that we all have various degrees of homosexuality. It’s not a switch, per se, rather a ‘dimmer switch.’ Some people have their switch full bright, some full dark, but many have homosexual thoughts, even though they may not act on them. Since we’re being honest, I know I’ve had passing thoughts here and there.” Okay, that shocked me.

  We sat and looked at each other for a moment; communicating with our twenty years of ‘connection’ even though it wasn’t the connection either of us deserved. Her eyes were full of so many emotions. Sadness, probably for what we’d both lost out on for so many years. Happiness, I hoped, for what we had both found.

  “It’s rather amazing that you can make it to your forties and still not know everything about yourself,” I mused.

  “You’re telling me,” she smiled back. I wasn’t exactly sure but there seemed to be a wicked little glint in her eye.

  “So, you’re sure about this? It’s not some mid-life crisis experimental thing?” she asked gently.

  I nodded. “Believe me, I’ve had those same thoughts. But, the way I feel when I’m with him…it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.” I felt like crying. My throat started to close, and tears burned in the back of my eyes.

  I took a hold of her hand, and she grabbed on, and continued. “Greg, I have to say that, you and Tanner…well, it makes me happy, but in a way you might not understand…or, I don’t know, maybe you will. I’ve often wondered why I couldn’t make you happy; why I wasn’t enough. I guess it’s because I didn’t have a penis,” she said, whispering the last part. I almost choked on the sip of coffee I had badly timed.

  “Oh God, Bets. No. It was never you! Ever!” My body chilled that she had felt insufficient. “And likewise, I’m happy you found Jack.” She squeezed my hand.

  The waitress delivered our breakfasts, and now that the heavy discussion was over, we talked more about Phoebe. She’d already talked about the two families that she’d interviewed for the adoption, and that those didn’t feel right, and why. We talked about our boys, Bradley and Carter. Elizabeth and Jack visited Carter in Italy at the end of August, just to make sure that he was doing well. I only vaguely recalled a message in my email inbox about that trip. That email had come in just around the time I met Tanner. Elizabeth said that Italy suited him and he was thriving. We talked about our friends from back home, and then she said, “Ohmigod! Jessica! And Jim! And everyone else!”

  “What about them?” I asked, knowing full well where she was going with this. Jessica didn’t like me much to begin with. And Jim…well, he was Jim. Everyone else? Well, thankfully Aaron was good. Marc, Joseph, and other friends, I wasn’t sure, but I had a hunch that it would be an adjustment, sure, but fine in the end.

  “Do they know?”

  “Aaron does. We got drunk last week and I let it all spill. You’re only the second to know, well third if you count me. Or fourth if you count Tanner who apparently knew before any of us,” I said, chuckling and aiming for humor to take the edge off this tense topic. It worked, because Elizabeth laughed softly along with me.

  “And how did Aaron take it?”

  “Actually? Surprisingly well. I mean, shocked. Floored… just like all of us, really. I thought for sure he would want to dissolve our business and separate, but he was very understanding.”

  “And Jim? I mean, Jessica, I’m sure will find this all quite hysterical. But Jim…? You supported Prop Eight,” she said with a smirk, surely thinking how ironic that was. “But Jim was practically a spokesperson.”

  I sat quietly and both nodded and shook my head. Jim was my oldest friend. He’d been the best man at my wedding, and my partner in crime for so much since college. He was really not going to take this well at all. It was heavy on my mind that I was going to lose my best friend. Then again, was he really a best friend if he couldn’t support me? I was not looking forward to going home.

  “And, the kids, Greg. When do you plan to tell them?”

  “Soon. I promise. I won’t make you sit on this. I’ll talk to them, one-on-one.” I swallowed for the next apology I was about to deliver. “Elizabeth?”

  “Yes,” she said calmly. She was always so calm and strong.

  “I’m sor—” She glared at me and almost started to stop this apology, but stopped her. I needed to say this. “I’m sorry I wasn’t better to you in the hospital when the kids were born.” She looked at me questioningly. “I know I was more focused on bragging about my boys, and my baby girl. I was too busy calculating expenses and deductions. In short, I didn’t give you the proper thanks for the miracle of our children. So…Thank you.”

  Elizabeth smiled and placed her hand on mine. Tears welled in her eyes as she studied mine. “Thank you.”

  We were silent a moment then she nodded. “Well,” Elizabeth said, looking at her watch. “I would really like to keep talking, but I have to get going. I have the lunch shift at Ed Scott’s.”

  “I still can’t believe you’re a bartender,” I said.

  She shrugged and smiled. “I like it. It’s fun. I get to hang out with Shelby, and the regulars who come in are really nice. Just something different.” I thought about Jennifer from The Den and understood.

  We parted, promising that we’d keep in touch. It was a very special meeting. It was also so different from the last time we’d spent time, just the two of us. It was like everything was getting better in my life with this latest revelation.

  I quickly made my way up to my room, hopeful that Tanner was still there, however, he was not. He did leave a note though on the hotel pad of paper:

  Greg,

  Thank you for everything. I hope your breakfast with Elizabeth went well.

  I’ll be thinking of you. I’ll text you the address for the luncheon.

  Enjoy the rest of today.

  T—

  As I dressed to go home, I spied Greg’s shirt tossed on the floor. I picked it up and smelled it, feeling like the man I had grown to care for so deeply was right there. Briefly, I considered taking his shirt, however since it was a bit too small for me, I had to pass on that idea. Instead, I went into the bathroom and spotted his cologne. I spritzed my neck and shirt, and a small one on my wrist. At the very least, I could have Greg’s scent.

  I scratched him a note on the hotel pad of paper and left, even though I
was tempted to stay in the bed for him to come back. Maybe make a quick run to the drug store before he returned. But today wasn’t a good day for that.

  The day was thick in my head…the eve of the anniversary of 9/11. It had been twelve years, and every year it was difficult. It was only slightly better as each year passed, but difficult nonetheless. Being with family helped, my mother who was so strong through this all, continuing to remember Dad day in and day out. She met another man who lost a wife in the Towers that day, and they were a great strength to one another. My sister found love and married, and had two children; proof positive that life goes on.

  I wondered if I was finally going to get my ‘happily ever after.’

  CHAPTER 33

  By the time noon had rolled around, I had called the airline to change my return flight. The earliest I could get was Friday. Next, I put in a quick call to Aaron and brought him up to speed. He couldn’t believe how small the world was that I would have run into Tanner in New York of all places, but he was very happy that we had made up. I still couldn’t believe my luck that Aaron was okay with all of this. More than a part of me started to wonder if this was all a dream and I would wake up to find my life a complete nightmare.

  As soon as Phoebe sent a text with the address in Greenwich Village for lunch, I headed down and grabbed a cab arriving with only ten minutes to spare.

  Lunch with Phoebe was really wonderful. She was truly becoming an incredible woman, just like her mom.

  “So,” I started while I watched her spin the incredible diamond ring that sat on her right hand. “What’s the ring all about?”

  “It’s from Charlie,” she said wistfully. “But it’s not an engagement ring. It’s just a promise ring. I’m not getting married for a long while. I have lots to do, you know.”

  I smiled at her. “But what is he promising?”