Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Her mother tried to frown, Judith could see that she really did. But after several seconds of trying, her frown eased into a lovely smile. “You might have a point about that. But, dear, I also think that dwelling on your loss isn’t healthy for you.”

  “Mamm, it’s not just that I lost my baby. That would be hard, and I would mourn, but I’m old enough to realize that sometimes the Lord has a reason for a baby not being born. It’s the fact that I’m never going to have any kinner that has made me so terribly sad. I can hardly stand the thought of it.” She lowered her voice. “And worse, I simply don’t know what I’m going to do the rest of my life.”

  “Ben said you were going to visit another doctah.”

  “We are.”

  “Then, there might be hope.”

  “Yes, but I don’t know.”

  “Perhaps the Lord wants you to help raise your siblings’ kinner. Or maybe He feels that you and Ben are a perfect family on your own.”

  “I love my husband, but I don’t know about that.”

  “Maybe one day you’ll want to adopt then.”

  “I can’t think about adoption. Not yet.”

  “If we can’t plan your future, let’s plan your day. What do you want to do?”

  All she knew was that she didn’t want to leave. This was her house, her home. Plus, this was Ben’s home, the one place where he had roots. Their life together here was finally giving him happy memories. There was no way she was going to do anything to cause him more pain, and she knew in her heart that moving out of their house—even for a very short amount of time—would do that.

  “Mamm, I need to stay here. Ben needs to come home to me here. But . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “Maybe I could clean things up? Could you help me make supper and set things to rights?”

  “Of course I will, dear. I want to help you in any way I can.”

  “Danke, Mamm.”

  “There’s no reason to thank me. I simply want to see your smile again.” Before Judith could reply to that, her mother eyed the messy kitchen with a critical eye. “My advice is that we start at the top and work our way down to the floor.”

  “In that case, I think I’ll watch where I step.” All of a sudden, a burst of laughter caught in her throat, surprising her. She looked at her mother in shock. “I didn’t think that could happen. I didn’t think I would be able to laugh about anything ever again.”

  “Never is a long time, dear. It’s been often said, but it is always true.” And with that, she handed Judith a washrag. “Wipe.”

  chapter ten

  For the first time in, well, forever, Miriam wished the church service would never end. Here inside the Yoders’ metal barn, sitting in the middle of all her friends, she felt secure.

  It was just warm enough inside to relax her muscles and encourage her mind to drift a bit. She’d listen to the preacher, think about the story or Bible verse he mentioned . . . then would give in to temptation and let her mind drift. She’d apply the verse to her life, or to something that happened in the past, and little by little, she’d feel even more filled with the Lord’s will and happiness.

  But all too soon, it did end and she was standing up and preparing to sit with Mary Kate and Junior during a lunch that was sure to be exciting for Junior, uncomfortable for Mary Kate, and excruciating for her.

  After they filed out of the barn, Miriam spied Junior standing with three of his siblings. She noticed he kept glancing at the long line of people. She knew the exact moment when he recognized her and Mary Kate because his features tensed.

  Beside her, Mary Kate tensed, too. “Are you sure we have to do this? I really don’t want to sit with him.”

  “I thought you’d want to get to know Junior.”

  “He’s Kaylene’s brother. I’ve met him.”

  “Yes, but he wants to get to know you.”

  “Miriam—“ Mary Kate looked like she’d just drunk sour milk. “I really would rather not. . . .”

  “I mean he really wants to get to know you,” Miriam said, hating every second of the conversation. But a promise was a promise. No matter how hard it was, she needed to convince Mary Kate to at least sit with them at lunch.

  Brightening her voice, she continued. “I’m sorry, Mary Kate, but he asked me to set this up and I promised him I would.”

  “You could have told me about this yesterday.”

  “I should have. I don’t know why it slipped my mind.” She didn’t want to admit that she’d been half-afraid Mary Kate wouldn’t show up.

  Oh, what a pickle. It was all Miriam could do to keep her expression easy and friendly. In truth, she felt more ill at ease than Mary Kate looked.

  When Mary Kate looked Junior’s way again, he smiled. She groaned under her breath.

  Miriam grabbed her hand and gave it a little tug. “Let’s go over to him and say hello. You’ll like his sisters. Most everyone does.”

  “And then?”

  “And then we’ll eat and be done.”

  “I hope so.” Mary Kate let herself be dragged, but to Miriam’s dismay, she had the sort of look one wore to get a root canal.

  “Please try to be friendly, Mary Kate,” she whispered.

  Narrowing her eyes, Mary Kate said, “He means something to you, doesn’t he?”

  “Who? Junior?”

  “Of course, Junior,” she practically hissed. “Why in the world did you agree to set him up with me if you like him?”

  “I don’t,” she lied. There was no way she was going to let Mary Kate see that she’d been pining over a man for years who had no interest in her whatsoever. “I set this up because he’s taken with you,” she whispered back as they walked the last ten feet to meet the Beilers.

  “But that doesn’t—”

  Miriam cut her off with a hard look. “It does. Now, please, be nice.”

  The little group of four parted to make room for them when they approached. “Hi, Miriam, Mary Kate,” Junior said. “Mary Kate, this is Claire, Beverly, and Randall. Three of my siblings.”

  Mary Kate smiled. “Now I know five of you. It’s nice to meet you all.”

  “You moved here in August, yes?” Claire asked.

  “Jah. I moved here from Millersburg. So not too far away.”

  When she paused, they all leaned forward. Eager to hear what else she had to say. But instead of continuing, Mary Kate only stood quietly.

  Claire’s friendly smile turned a bit strained. “And are you enjoying Sugarcreek? And teaching school?”

  “I am enjoying Sugarcreek, and my job is going well enough, I suppose. Soon we’ll have Christmas break, then spring break. Then, at last, I’ll have almost three months of vacation.” Mary Kate gave her first genuine smile then, much to Miriam’s relief—until she realized how awkward her friend sounded.

  Certainly, Mary Kate didn’t realize how uncaring she sounded to Kaylene’s siblings? She glanced at Junior to see his reaction, hoping against hope that he hadn’t caught the edge of relief in her voice. But as she’d feared, some of the light in his eyes dimmed.

  “So, you enjoy vacations?” he asked.

  “Oh, jah. Next summer, I’m hoping to go to Florida for a time.” Smiling at Miriam, she added, “I’m hoping to get Miriam to come with me. I know we’d enjoy ourselves at the beach.”

  “Who wouldn’t?” Beverly said. “Are you going to try to go to Pinecraft, too, Miriam?”

  “That’s a long time from now. It would be nice, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to. I might be needed at the restaurant. Or somewhere else.”

  “Summer is a busy time for me,” Randall said. “The long days mean I have more time working construction.”

  The conversation continued. It was easy and low-key. If Miriam hadn’t been so worried about Mary Kate saying the right thing, and wondering what Junior thought about her, she would have enjoyed it a lot more.

  As it was, however, she felt like she was on pins and needles. Waiting for somet
hing unfortunate to happen.

  Around them, a lovely lunch had been set out and most folks had already started to dig into their meals.

  Anxious to fulfill her promise, Miriam blurted, “Maybe we should eat before all the food is gone.”

  Randall grinned. “Miriam, that is a super idea. I’m starving. Let’s lead the way.” Gallantly, he waved her toward him. She had no choice but to walk by his side to the line of tables.

  Sometimes the luncheons were served by the women of the hosting family. Today, the Yoders had opted to have a more casual setup. Miriam was glad of that. As they walked through the line, she chatted with Randall about his job and a few of their mutual friends.

  On her other side, Beverly and Claire were making plans to put up some applesauce. Having a bit of experience with that, Miriam shared her preferences.

  After that, it was easy to follow Randall and his sisters to an empty table by the back porch of the main house. After she took a seat, she looked behind her, certain to see Mary Kate and Junior bringing up the rear.

  Now that they’d all met each other, Miriam felt a true sense of relief. At last her obligation to Junior was over.

  But to her surprise, only Junior had returned to the table.

  The girls and Randall looked just as confused.

  “Where’s Mary Kate?” she asked.

  “She said she wasn’t hungry,” he murmured with a frown. “Miriam, she said to tell ya that she’ll walk over to your haus later.”

  “I see.”

  “Do you? Because I sure don’t.”

  Well, Junior was irritated. But what could she say that wouldn’t either give away Mary Kate’s secrets or make Junior feel worse than he already did?

  When Junior still stood there, looking shell-shocked, Randall patted an empty chair. “Have a seat, bruder, so we can say prayers and give thanks for this meal. I’m so hungry I’m about to eat this plate.”

  Junior rolled his eyes but sat down.

  After they bowed their heads in silent prayer, they dove into the sandwiches and pasta salad.

  It was a delicious meal. As usual, Miriam enjoyed eating someone else’s cooking. The girls and Randall seemed to feel the same way, hardly saying much between bites.

  Junior, on the other hand, looked completely disinterested. He kept moving his pasta around his plate and staring off in the direction where Mary Kate must have left from.

  “What happened, Miriam?” he asked after a few moments. “I thought you were going to set everything up.”

  She noticed that his tone was faintly accusing. Okay, maybe it was accusing. “I asked her to eat with us. I thought she was going through the line with you.”

  “The moment you walked away with Randall, she said she was going to leave. Where did she have to go?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe she had to go home?”

  “You aren’t sure?”

  “No, I am not. She’s my friend, not my responsibility.” Now she had a feeling that she sounded irritated, too.

  “Junior, it’s not Miriam’s fault that Mary Kate didn’t want to stay for lunch,” Claire said.

  “It’s likely she had papers to grade or something,” Beverly said.

  “I doubt it.” Junior forked a bit of macaroni salad in his mouth.

  “When I see her later, I’ll ask her what happened,” Miriam soothed. “I’m sure she has a good explanation.”

  “Maybe.”

  With a teasing wink in her direction, Randall said, “At least we got Miriam to join us. Of the two, she’s much easier to talk to.”

  “Danke,” she said lightly as the girls agreed.

  They continued chatting, chuckling about a couple of their mutual friends who had just returned from a poorly organized camping trip to the Hocking Hills. Everything that could have gone wrong did.

  When Junior didn’t join in, Miriam had had enough. Though she felt bad that Mary Kate hadn’t wanted to stay, her departure certainly hadn’t been Miriam’s fault. Carefully, she folded her napkin and then stood up. “Um, I told my parents I’d leave with them today. I’d better go find them.”

  “If you feel like canning applesauce on Wednesday afternoon, stop over,” Beverly said.

  “Danke. I just might do that.”

  “See if Mary Kate can come, too,” Junior ordered.

  “I’ll ask . . . but I’m not sure if she’s much of a cook.”

  “Just ask, would you?”

  Only Junior seemed to not realize he was being rude. While Randall scowled at his brother, Miriam knew it was time to leave.

  Grabbing her plate and trash, she said good-bye, then walked over to her parents, who just happened to be looking at her like she was the best daughter in the whole world.

  Sidling up to her, her mother said, “If you wanted to visit with Junior a little bit longer, we don’t mind waiting, dear.”

  “I was ready to go.”

  “All right. But as soon as we get in the buggy, I want to hear all about what you two had to say to each other. Isn’t this the most exciting thing, Miriam?”

  Finally, she could reply to a question with complete honesty. “Jah. Very exciting.” All in the worst way possible.

  As her parents exchanged knowing looks, Miriam’s spirits plummeted. How in the world was she going to tell them the truth? They would be so disappointed.

  But if she didn’t tell them, things were only bound to get worse.

  Oh, how did everything turn into such a muddled-up mess?

  chapter eleven

  Mary Kate swiped at her eyes yet again in irritation. When were things going to become easier?

  She sure wished she knew.

  For the last six months, she’d been merely reacting to everything that had been happening. She had been running from Will. She had been trying to learn to be a decent teacher even though she had no gift for working with children.

  And now, she was literally trying to guard her heart. Leaving her family and friends in Millersburg had hurt. There, she’d been part of a big group of friends. And her family, too, of course.

  Her social life had been busy and fun.

  Leaving all of them without a word about where she was going had been hard. Now she missed them all terribly but was too afraid to reach out for their support.

  And as it was becoming more and more apparent that she wasn’t going to be happy in Sugarcreek, she was just as reluctant to make friends. All that would become of that was another painful transition.

  Of course, she’d had a moment of weakness where Miriam was concerned, but Mary Kate didn’t think it could be helped. Miriam was truly one of the nicest people ever. One had to actively try not to be her friend.

  And Mary Kate just wasn’t strong enough to live completely by herself.

  Just keep living hour by hour, she coaxed herself. That’s all you have to do. Stop worrying about the future. Just try to get through the day.

  But instead of making herself feel better, her words only made her feel even more alone and in limbo. She swiped away a new crop of tears. Lifted her chin a bit.

  And then noticed that Mrs. Graber was walking almost by her side. “Oh, hello, Mrs. Graber. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

  Mrs. Graber looked her over. “That is not a problem. I fear I snuck up on you.” She smiled. “So, did you enjoy the church service today?”

  “I did. Did you?”

  “Of course.” She smiled. “I always enjoy church. Especially when I am not hosting it!”

  Mary Kate chuckled in spite of her blue mood. “My mother always says the same thing. Hosting church is a lot of work.” She looked behind them but didn’t see anyone nearby. “Did the rest of your family not attend church?” She could have sworn she’d seen them, but maybe she had been mistaken.

  “Oh, they were there. All of them except for Judith and Ben. Judith still isn’t feeling well.”

  “I am sorry.”

  “Me, too.” She shrugged, as if there was nothing s
he could say about it at the moment. “Anyway, sometimes I like to walk home by myself. It gives me time to think, you know. And it’s a beautiful fall day.”

  With a bit of surprise, Mary Kate looked around and noticed that fall had come to the area without her noticing. Some of the trees had started to turn and the air was now cooler. “It is beautiful out.”

  Mrs. Graber looked her over more closely. “Now perhaps you could tell me why you are walking alone?”

  “I just needed some time to think, too. But I am glad for your company.”

  Mrs. Graber chuckled. “I feel the same way. Sometimes it’s nice to simply walk next to another person without feeling the need to say anything.”

  “Yes, you’re right about that.” With a bit of a surprise, she realized that there had been very few times in the past three years that she’d ever felt like she could be at ease.

  For too long she’d been afraid of Will forcing his company on her. Then she had to fend off her mother’s questions about why she was avoiding Will.

  “Mrs. Graber, walking like this is nice, for sure. Thank you for joining me.”

  “We all need someone walking by our side, dear,” she murmured. “I was happy to walk with you today—but please don’t forget that the Lord is always with you, too. I’ve found it’s nice to lean on Him a bit from time to time.”

  Mary Kate nodded, feeling soothed by Mrs. Graber’s words. For too long she’d struggled to feel God’s presence in her life. Now, she was so skittish, she was afraid she wouldn’t notice His presence even if He were there. Maybe instead of trying to keep to herself so much, she needed to start trusting the One Whom she could really count on.

  All day on Monday, Miriam struggled with the way Mary Kate had left them at lunch. Though she sympathized with Mary Kate’s past and completely understood her reasons not to want to enter a relationship with Junior, Miriam didn’t understand her friend’s behavior.

  She’d actually thought Mary Kate had been pretty rude to the whole Beiler family. And even if she wasn’t interested in Junior, Mary Kate was new in town. Everyone could use some friends, right?