Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “I am glad we came too,” Judith replied. “Ben and I have enjoyed being here. You know how much Ben loves being around the family.”

  Her mother chuckled. “I hope he will say the same when you two go back home. Maggie is at his side at every meal, and Anson has been constantly on his heels, asking question after question.”

  Judith grinned, liking the way her mother described her brother’s determined shadowing. She loved seeing Ben interact with the kids. “Ben adores little Maggie. She can do no wrong in his eyes. As for Anson? Don’t tell anyone, but I think Ben kind of likes Anson’s hero worship.”

  “Truly?”

  “Truly. Ben’s never had a brother, of course, and Anson is easy to be with.”

  “He sure is patient with him. Only Ben would allow Anson to help him stack wood.”

  “No, only Ben could convince Anson to spend three hours cutting wood, bringing it home, and stacking it.” Judith shook her head. “I don’t know how many times Josh and Caleb have tried to get Anson to do more work around the farm.”

  “Ben certainly has a way with that boy.” Her mother’s gaze turned softer. “Did you know Ben helped Maggie bake cookies yesterday?”

  “I did. Because of his difficult family situation growing up, I think Ben sometimes feels he’s not good enough. But little Maggie always reminds him that he’s special to her. He’s told me before that Maggie makes him feel like he’s the brightest and tallest person in the room. She’s really good for him.”

  Her siblings had been good for her, too, Judith reflected. At home, there was always commotion and hungry mouths to feed and arguments and laughter. And projects! “Sewing this dress for Clara has done me a world of good.”

  She held up the dress and pictured how pretty Clara would look in it. The fabric was a lighter shade of blue, almost a periwinkle. It looked fresh and bright—a perfect foil for the upcoming dreary months of winter.

  “Hopefully it will brighten Clara’s day, too. The good Lord knows she needs a little ray of sunshine.”

  Clara and Tim’s twin girls were just getting over a terrible case of the chicken pox. For almost two weeks Clara had made oatmeal baths, cuddled crying and itchy children, read an insurmountable number of picture books, and heated jars and jars of soup that they’d canned last summer.

  Now the girls were happy and almost healed. Just about back to normal. But Clara? She was exhausted.

  Now, her mother, Josh’s wife, Gretta, and Caleb’s new bride, Rebecca, had decided to take Clara out for a girls’ getaway the following weekend. They’d gotten a deal on one of the tourist cabins out in Charm and were going to take Clara there for a good dose of shopping and eating. Judith had been invited, too, but she’d declined the invitation. She wasn’t quite ready to be away from Ben for an extended period of time.

  To no one’s surprise, Clara’s husband, Tim, had thought this was a wonderful idea for his sweet wife. Once the travel arrangements had been made, Judith had mentioned that Clara would probably like a new dress for her day and evening out, too. Clara never did anything for herself.

  In just an hour, Tim was going to stop by with Clara for supper, as were Caleb and Rebecca. They’d have a simple supper of meat loaf, mashed potatoes, and corn, followed by a chocolate cream pie. Then they were going to spring the trip on Clara.

  Judith couldn’t wait to see surprise light Clara’s eyes—and happiness fill Tim’s gaze as he watched her. It was such a pleasure to concentrate on other people for a change. She was so tired of being depressed and concentrating on her heartache. Though she understood that a period of mourning was only natural, she also realized that it was time to move forward. The Lord had a plan for each of them and it would be wrong of her to dwell on her disappointments for too long.

  As her mamm touched the just finished hem of Clara’s new dress, she said, “Clara is going to love this. Are you sure you don’t want to change your mind about going with us to the cabin? Going on a girls’ weekend might be good medicine for you, too.”

  “I’m sure. Being here has been enough of a vacation for me.” Plus, her emotions were so topsy-turvy, she wasn’t eager to be far from Ben. She knew she needed his hugs as often as possible.

  “I’m so proud of you, Judith,” her mother said, obviously choosing her words carefully. “I know your recovery hasn’t been easy, but you do seem to have a bit of your spark back.”

  “I think it’s coming back, too. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s getting better.” She was done dwelling on her disappointment, at least with her family and friends. She was sure no one wanted to hear any more stories about how sad she was day after day. Everyone else had moved on. The only thing she’d gain by wallowing in her grief was more hours to sit alone by herself.

  “I’m not sure why the Lord has decided that Ben and I can’t have a baby, but I do feel certain that Got will lead me and show me His will.”

  “Those are wise words. And true,” her mother murmured as Ben came into the kitchen, followed by Anson.

  While Ben walked to her side and gently squeezed her shoulder, offering his quiet support, Anson breezed by without a word.

  Their mother frowned. “Anson, say hello to your sister.”

  He skidded to a stop. “Hi, Judith.”

  “Anson.” Sharing a smile with her mother, she said, “What have you and Ben been doing all afternoon?”

  “Manly things.”

  “Oh?” She peeked up at Ben, wondering what “manly things” entailed.

  He rolled his eyes and clamped a hand on Anson’s shoulder. “Nothing too important. We took a long walk and checked on the creek.”

  Anson nodded. “I told Ben all about how Ty and me almost drowned there a couple of years ago.”

  That awful day would always remain vivid in her memory. Sharing a look with her mother, she murmured, “That was quite an afternoon, indeed.”

  “Anyway,” Anson said airily, “I’m getting something to eat now. I’m starving.”

  “Starving, hmm?” She couldn’t help but grin. Her brother had been born hungry and very little got in between him and his food. Now that he was on the cusp of his teenage years, he seemed to be storing as much food as possible in his body for later use.

  “Anson, we’ll be eating in just an hour,” their mother cautioned. “And I know you had something to eat just a few hours ago.”

  “Mamm, that was two hours ago.”

  Judith, to her surprise, found herself grinning. Anson said “two hours” the way some people said two years.

  But her mother, at least, didn’t seem too understanding. “I don’t want you to spoil your supper.”

  He gave her a look that silently conveyed she was sillier than ever. “I’ll still be hungry then, Mamm.”

  “Anson—”

  “He’ll eat, Mamm,” Ben said with a wink. “He always does.”

  Her mother’s cheeks pinkened the way they always did whenever her son-in-law called her “Mamm.” Judith knew Ben’s use of that name hadn’t come easy . . . and it was also said with complete sincerity.

  “Do you really think so?” her mother pressed. “Neither Caleb nor Joshua ever ate like Anson.”

  “I’m more than sure,” Ben agreed. “This boy of yours is always hungry. I only brought him in here so he wouldn’t start eating the hay in the barn.”

  Judith smiled at her husband as Anson filled up a large glass with milk and drank it in two gulps, grabbed a couple of apples, and one of the rolls on the countertop. Next he pocketed several peanut butter cookies.

  Then, without another word, he gathered up his bounty and strode out the back door, the screen door creaking shut after him.

  Her mamm rested her head against the back of her chair. “That boy is going to be the death of me.”

  “Don’t be too hard on him. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying gut food,” Ben quipped. “You’re wonderful-gut cook, Mamm.”

  “Danke, Ben.”

  After snatching a cookie, he w
inked at Judith again before he, too, went back outside.

  “Just look at this,” her mother exclaimed, motioning to the almost-empty jar of cookies, the one apple in the bowl, and the container of rolls that had been left unwrapped. “Those boys are going to eat me out of house and home.”

  “At least, after Anson, we only have Toby’s teenage years to get through,” Judith joked.

  “If I ever survive Anson, I have a feeling I’m going to be too tired to cook,” her mother said with a laugh. “You might have to do all the cooking for him.”

  “I’ll be happy to, Mamm. So far, Toby is the easiest of us all.”

  “I do believe you are right, dear. I had best give praise for that, and often. He is my last boy and so far the easiest to raise.”

  Judith smiled weakly. Despite the brave face she put on, all this talk had reminded her that she would never have hungry boys of her own running through her kitchen. And that fact still broke her heart.

  chapter twenty

  “Junior, why did you come all the way up to school to get me?” Kaylene asked as he walked her back from another tutoring session with Miriam. “I thought you were going to be working in the barn today.”

  “Well, it turns out that Micah and Randall have everything under control. Plus, you know how much I like to walk with you.”

  “What happened to Levi?” She wrinkled her nose. “He told me at breakfast that he was going to come get me.”

  He grinned. “He couldn’t make it here, either.”

  “Is he in trouble?”

  “Not at all.” He touched her nose with one finger. “And do try not to sound so hopeful.” She had a love-hate relationship with Levi. He was the closest to her age, which meant he was far less the father figure that Junior was and more of a pesky brother who liked to ignore her. “Neil recruited Levi’s help with the lambs.”

  “And he listened?”

  “Jah. For once,” he replied with a chuckle. Ever since Levi had graduated from eighth grade and had started his rumspringa, he’d become a handful. With the exception of staying out too late and drinking the other night, he was doing nothing that the majority of the other boys and girls his age weren’t also doing.

  But it always amused Junior to hear Kaylene’s perspective on Levi’s behavior. Sometimes it seemed as if she had the least amount of patience with Levi.

  “I’m not going to act like Levi when I’m his age,” she said with a little shake of her head.

  “I hope you don’t. I’m going to be eight years older by then and too tired and old to give you lectures.”

  “Oh, Junior. You won’t be that old.”

  “I suppose you’re right. But I’m still going to hope that you’ll be a good girl when you are sixteen.”

  “I will. I know it.”

  Grinning, he rested a comforting hand on her shoulder as they walked side by side on the narrow lane leading up to their farm. He’d meant to take the buggy to pick her up, but things had been pretty chaotic at the house when he’d left.

  Besides, sometimes these walks were the best part of their days. In a full household like theirs, opportunities for private conversation were few and far between.

  “Are things going any better with Claire?” he asked. Lately Claire had been after Kaylene to make her bed every morning, which, for some reason, was something their little sister didn’t like to do.

  “I get along with her fine.” His little sister skipped ahead of him, then turned to walk backward. “Did you know that Randall is courting Elizabeth Nolt?”

  “I know he took her out once or twice.”

  “He’s taken her out more than that.”

  “Huh.” He glanced at her curiously. It never failed to surprise him how the youngest member of their family always knew the most gossip. “Are they finally getting serious?”

  “Maybe.” After a pause, she got on her tiptoes. “I saw them kissing after church.”

  “Really?” Junior was torn between grinning and acting appropriately shocked by such behavior. “Did he see you?”

  “Nope.”

  “You got lucky there.”

  “Yep. He would’ve gotten mad.”

  “He would’ve,” Junior agreed. Half thinking to himself, he murmured, “I wonder who will be the first of us to get married. I had always assumed it would be Beverly, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe it will be Randall.”

  “I think it’s gonna be Randall. Or maybe Beverly and Joe. She likes him a lot, you know.”

  “That is something I actually do know,” he teased. “My vote is Beverly. And definitely not Claire. She’s not seeing anyone, is she?”

  “Nope. Claire is too picky. Well, she likes a boy over in Charm, but they hardly ever see each other.”

  Kaylene was a font of information. “Who is that? Jay?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Before they knew it, they were good-naturedly analyzing everyone’s love life, and Junior was getting an earful. As usual, Kaylene knew far more than he did.

  He was amused to also realize that neither of them thought anything was strange about this. Kaylene was observant, and her manner and young age enabled her to fade into the background in a way the others never had.

  “Junior, who are you going to marry?” she asked.

  “I don’t know.” When he’d picked up Kaylene, he’d made a date with Mary Kate to go to the Sugarcreek Inn later on in the week. But ironically, he wasn’t all that excited about it.

  “Do you like Miss Mary Kate?”

  “Well, I think she’s real pretty. And I think I like her, but I’m not real sure that she’s the girl for me. She’s, um, fairly difficult to get to know.” As he heard his words he felt a mild sensation of panic. He’d known that was how he was feeling, but to hear his thoughts said out loud surprised him.

  Glancing down at his sister, he said, “Kay, do you like her?”

  “Sort of.” She shrugged, worrying him. Usually Kaylene liked everyone.

  “That doesn’t sound too good.”

  She tilted her little chin up, her light brown eyes, so like their father’s, searching his face for a hint of what he wanted her to say. He stopped and knelt in front of her on the gravel path. “You can tell me anything, Kay. I promise.”

  She took a deep breath, then blurted, “I like her, but I don’t like her being my teacher,” she said at last. Her brow wrinkled. “Does that make sense?”

  He thought back to his years in the very same school building where she now spent her days. All he could remember was being compared to Claire, Beverly, and Randall—and having to constantly watch out for the younger boys.

  But try as he might, he couldn’t remember thinking too much about his teacher, other than the fact that he’d wished Miss Hannah wouldn’t rap his knuckles with a ruler or assign so much homework.

  “I want to understand, Kaylene. But I don’t.”

  Her expression shuttered. “Never mind.”

  “No, I want to hear what you have to say.”

  “You’re gonna get bays, because everyone knows that you like her.”

  “I won’t get mad. Like I said, I thought I liked her, but I’m not positive she’s the right woman for me. So be honest—just like you usually are.”

  But instead of chuckling with him she looked even more wary. “I’m afraid you’re going to say it’s my fault.”

  “Kaylene, I won’t. Now what is wrong?”

  “She doesn’t listen to me. She just gives me my assignment, and when I tell her I can’t do it too good, she tells me to try it again.”

  Lowering her voice, she added, “But that’s the problem, Junior. I don’t know how to do it in the first place. And then when I ask someone else for help, she gets mad at me.”

  “Surely not.” He was shocked. And it was becoming pretty evident that it didn’t matter who he liked—he had a protective streak for his little sister about a mile long.

  “She does,” Kaylene whispered softly. “Today I couldn’t
go eat lunch with all the other kinner. I had to sit by myself because she said I had already done my talking for the day.” She lowered her voice. “But I was only asking people what the directions were, ’cause I couldn’t read them.”

  “Oh, Kay.”

  Eyes wide, she stared up at him, her expression sad and embarrassed . . . and full of hope, too. She needed him to believe in her, he realized.

  “I’m real sorry, Junior,” she mumbled.

  A sick knot formed in his stomach, both at Kaylene’s story and the fact that he was the one she was having to talk to instead of either of their parents. Once again, he wished he’d understood why the Lord had decided to take their parents at such young ages.

  He had no idea how to handle problems with a teacher, or how to encourage a little girl without making her feel worse.

  Pale, faint visions of his mother always helping him flashed through his mind, reminding him of how capable she was . . . and how far his efforts were from hers.

  Little Kaylene needed someone like that in her life.

  As the seconds passed and he kept his silence, weighing various ways to comment on what his sister said, he could feel her slowly losing faith in him.

  When she dipped her chin onto her chest, visibly retreating into herself, Junior knew that he had to try. To do or say nothing more would be a terrible mistake. “How are things going with Miriam?”

  “Gut. I wish you wanted to marry her.”

  “What?” When her eyes widened, he rolled his shoulders and tried to sound more relaxed. “Um, why would you say something like that?”

  Kaylene gave him a look that said he was a fool. “Junior, everyone likes Miriam! She’s the best cook in the whole town and she’s mighty nice.”

  “She sure is.” It seemed everyone he talked to only had good things to say about Miriam Zehr. Kaylene, Joe, Levi, his sisters. Only now that she wanted nothing to do with him was he understanding that her kindness was something that he truly valued.

  “I was over at the Kempfs’ haus and Mr. and Mrs. Kempf are real nice to each other. So being nice is important when you get married, right?”