Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“I’m glad about that. Otherwise I would have never said yes.” Her curt reply caught him up short. As usual.

  Jana Kent seated them at a booth in the back. When they got settled, he pulled out his menu, but didn’t look at it. Instead, he looked at Mary Kate, half waiting to do what most women he knew did . . . comment on their booth or the menu or, well, something.

  But Mary Kate merely studied her menu.

  Junior had eaten at the Inn so many times over the years that he practically had the whole menu memorized.

  The truth was that he would have been glad to eat at any place other than the Sugarcreek Inn. The restaurant was filled with things that reminded him of Miriam. Luckily, she didn’t appear to be working tonight. But he still couldn’t help but be reminded of his last awkward meal here, where he’d put his foot in his mouth and ruined their friendship.

  When Christina Kempf came to take their order, he found himself smiling at her a little too brightly. “Hi, Christina, how are you today?”

  “I’m gut, Junior.” She smiled. “I saw Kaylene the other day. She was over at our haus, playing with my little sister, Leanna.”

  “She told me.” Remembering how his sister had talked about the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Kempf, he added, “Kaylene always has a nice time when she’s at your haus.”

  “She’s a nice little girl.”

  Christina looked like she was about to add something more, but when she glanced Mary Kate’s way, her behavior became much more businesslike. “Do you two know what you’d like to eat? Or do you want to hear about the specials?”

  Before he had a chance to say he would, Mary Kate spoke up.

  “Do you have soup?”

  “We do. We have three kinds tonight. Split pea and ham, vegetable, and tortilla.”

  “I’ve never heard of tortilla soup. What’s that?”

  “It’s a Mexican soup,” Christina explained. “It’s chicken soup with chilis and cheese. And tortilla chips, too. It’s really gut.” Before they could ask who in the world had started making Mexican soup, she added, “Mrs. Kent’s friend Pippa gave her the recipe. Marla in the kitchen decided to try it out tonight. It’s real good.”

  Mary Katherine smiled. “I’ll have a bowl of that and the salad bar.”

  “I’ll have the same,” Junior said. When Christina left, he grinned at Mary Katherine. “Isn’t it funny how even a new soup can shake things up in here?”

  “Jah.”

  “I’ve often thought that the Lord’s timing is perfect.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, there have been different times in my life when He’s brought forth a great many changes. Sometimes I didn’t think I wanted the changes, or that I wasn’t strong enough to handle them. But without fail, He proved me wrong. It’s like the Lord knew what I needed before I knew it myself. Have you ever felt like that? ”

  She looked uncomfortable. “I know the Lord is always looking out for me, but I can’t say that I’ve always been grateful for everything that’s happened to me. The truth is that I’d be perfectly happy to have a life where there were no surprises and where nothing ever changed.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “But of course. A lifetime of everything always being the same sounds wonderful to me.”

  “I know you said you were in a bad relationship back in Millersburg. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  The guardedness that usually clouded their conversations was back. “Definitely not.”

  “Mary Kate . . .” he asked, this time a bit softer, hoping to get her to open up.

  Not meeting his gaze, she stood up. “I’m going to get my salad now.”

  He stood up and followed her to the salad bar that lined the back wall. As they got their chilled plates and loaded them up with potato and macaroni salad, fruit ambrosia, and broccoli salad, too, Junior kept thinking about what Mary Katherine had said.

  And the way she said it.

  After they sat back down, he decided to ask a couple more questions. He was worried about her, and knew that holding in something upsetting never made problems go away. “Mary Kate, I’m really good at listening.” He winked. “All my siblings say so.”

  But she didn’t crack even the slightest of smiles.

  He didn’t think she was going to respond at first. But then she set her fork down. “Junior, this . . . this conversation we’re having is exactly why I kept saying no to you. I’m not in a good place right now. I don’t want to start dating again, and I really don’t want to start telling you secrets in the middle of a restaurant.” She pressed her hands on the table. “I don’t mean to make you upset, but you really do need to start listening to me.”

  Junior felt his neck heat. She was right. Time and again, she’d pushed him away. But instead of respecting her wishes he simply pushed harder.

  “You’re right,” he said. “You’re exactly right. I’m sorry. I wanted to help you, but now I realize I was being presumptuous.”

  Mary Kate smiled tiredly. “I’m so happy to hear you say that.”

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to truly listen. And I promise, from now on, we’ll keep our friendship easy and simple.”

  “Easy and simple sound really good to me, especially since I don’t think I’m going to be in Sugarcreek for much longer.”

  He looked up from his plate. “What are you talking about?”

  She drummed her fingers on the table. “I’ve been thinking about moving from here as soon as the school year is over.”

  “Out of Sugarcreek?”

  “You sound like I’m talking about going to China.”

  In their circle, to move away from all their friends and family, away from everything they’d ever known? It was practically like going to China. It might as well have been. “But what about your job? What about the school?”

  “The school board will just have to find a new teacher.” She speared two noodles, lifted her fork, then with a frown, set her fork back down. “Actually, I think that might not be a bad thing.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Well, you’ve seen how I’ve done with Kaylene. I don’t think I’m a very gifted teacher. Nee, that isn’t putting it right. I’m not a good one at all.” She drew a breath, then said bluntly, “Even Miriam is a better teacher than me. Much better.”

  “Even Miriam,” he murmured. As seemed to be the case now, every conversation he had returned to Miriam. “You’ve been trying your best, though. Right?”

  “What? Oh, sure.”

  The reply sounded flippant to him. A bit forced. “You know, I never did ask. . . . How did Miriam come to be my sister’s tutor?”

  “Miriam volunteered. We were sitting around one day looking at magazines, and when I told her about our conversation, since Miriam loves to read so much, she volunteered to tutor Kaylene.”

  “She never told me that.”

  “Well, she wouldn’t, would she? I mean, Miriam isn’t the type to toot her own horn. She seems to be more the type of woman to do what is needed.”

  “Yeah. I guess she is that way.” He cleared his throat. “So, where do you think you might go?”

  “Florida.” She smiled for the first time all evening.

  “Where in Florida? Pinecraft?”

  “Probably. It’s far from here. And it’s supposed to be a nice place.”

  These weren’t new plans. She’d had them on her mind for some time. As the reality of their situations sank in, Junior felt his skin flush.

  Instead of letting his head and his heart guide him, he’d been struck by a pretty face and had let his imagination run wild. He’d assumed that Mary Katherine would be happy to have him court her . . . because most women of his acquaintance had enjoyed his attentions.

  He’d known he was considered a catch. So he’d naively assumed he could fix his attentions on any woman he wanted.

  But now it was becoming very apparent that he had just received his just deserts. It wasn’t ju
st Mary Kate’s skittishness that was the problem. She had never had any interest in him. She’d shown him all the signs, too. He’d chosen to ignore them.

  But he couldn’t say he was brokenhearted. Now that he was getting to know her better, he realized that he wasn’t in any danger of falling in love, either.

  Actually, now he couldn’t wait for their date to end.

  When Christina arrived with a tray holding two large bowls of steaming tortilla soup and fresh bread, he dug into it like it was his last meal.

  “This is delicious,” he said with more enthusiasm than a bowl of soup had ever warranted.

  “It certainly is,” Mary Katherine echoed. She, too, was eating the soup with gusto. Hardly stopping in between bites.

  Making him realize that she was finding their time together to be just as endless as he was.

  chapter twenty-three

  “Today is the day the Lord has made,” Judith murmured to herself as she dipped her mop into the lemon-scented water. “Let us give thanks and be glad.”

  This was the fifth time she’d said the Scripture verse and she had to admit that she did feel better. And she was glad.

  Their brief visit to her parents’ house had been good medicine for both Ben and herself. Her family had the amazing ability to both coddle her and treat her with a casual indifference. Before she had known it, she’d taken her place at the sink next to her mother and whatever sister-in-law happened to be visiting. Just like in years past, she’d found comfort in the security of her family.

  Day after day, she’d helped gather eggs and read to Maggie and weed her mother’s garden. She’d laughed at her mother’s need to continually try to manage everyone—and had fallen asleep next to Ben every night almost the moment her head hit the pillow.

  Two days ago they’d come home, each thankful for the peace and quiet of their own house.

  It was nice to be home.

  Now, here it was, almost four o’clock, and she’d had her most productive day in weeks. Soon after Ben had gone to the store, she’d made two loaves of bread and a banana cream pie. Then, she’d worked on a blanket she was crocheting for Lilly and Robert Miller’s baby shower.

  Thinking about Lilly had put things in perspective. Years ago, Lilly Allen and her family had moved next door to Judith’s parents during a particularly dark time in Lilly’s life. Only a high school student, Lilly had been pregnant and her parents had moved so she could give the baby up for adoption without any of her friends finding out.

  But Lilly wasn’t sure she wanted to give the baby up. Almost as soon as she’d decided to raise the baby herself, she’d had a miscarriage. Judith remembered her being just as depressed as Judith had been lately.

  Months later, however, she’d met Robert and had fallen in love. They’d had many obstacles to overcome. Robert was an Amish widower who was many years older than Lilly. Lilly was English, and just out of her teens.

  The list of people who thought their relationship was inappropriate had been long, indeed!

  In the end, they’d chosen love over everyone else, and now Lilly was about to deliver their first baby . . . much to the delight of all their family and friends.

  The Lord had proven to them all that time really did heal wounds. And that His love was infinite.

  After working on the blanket for a blissful hour, Judith had decided to give the house a good cleaning. Though Ben would never say anything, she knew he would be happy to come home to a clean house.

  Over and over she dipped the mop in the water, wrung it out, and glided the mop over the linoleum. She moved backward like her mother had shown her years ago, keeping her footsteps off the clean floor.

  She’d just gotten to the front door and had opened it, intending to let in the fresh air— using the wet floor as a good excuse to sit on the front stoop and enjoy the sunny day—when her husband walked up the front sidewalk.

  “Ben, is everything all right? You are home early.”

  “I’m fine. But I think I should be the one concerned. What are you doing, sitting out on the front stoop?”

  “Simply taking a break from housework.” Briefly, she told him all about her day and how productive she’d been.

  Crouching beside her, he smiled, then carefully lifted her chin and kissed her sweetly. “You must be feeling good today.”

  “I am. I made you a pie, too. Banana cream.”

  “That deserves another kiss,” he teased as he proceeded to do just that.

  Judith knew she should be embarrassed to be kissing him outside in the daylight, but she wasn’t. At last, the darkness that had been surrounding her days had lifted, leaving her with a new appreciation for the good things in her life. If she knew anything, it was that sweet moments like this were ones to be treasured, for sure.

  “I never get tired of kissing you, Judith,” he whispered, his lips brushing the nape of her neck.

  She shivered at his touch. “Me, neither.”

  Smiling, he sat beside her on the stoop. “Guess what? I have something to show you.”

  Only then did she notice that he’d set a packet of papers down before he’d kissed her hello.

  “What is all that about?”

  “I talked to a couple of people and got some paperwork about adoption.”

  She swallowed. “Adoption?”

  “Jah. About us adopting a baby,” he said in an almost carefree way.

  Almost as if he were discussing getting a new kitten.

  And just like that, her happiness dimmed. “You talked to people about this without me?”

  He nodded.

  She felt completely betrayed. “Ben, how could you?”

  “I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want you to spend hours and hours worrying about it, wondering if now was the right time.”

  “But we should have discussed it.”

  “Judith, I won’t take this further until you decide if you want to.”

  “And if . . . ? Ben, what if I don’t ever want to?”

  “Then I’ll do whatever you want to do. But I think sometime over the next few days you should read this information.”

  She loved her husband and how he ached to keep her happy. But this didn’t fix anything. “Ben, I wanted a baby of our own,” she said after debating whether to say anything at all. “I wanted a baby that looks like both of us.”

  “I know. I did, too.” He gazed at her solemnly, telling her without words that he’d been hurting, too. After a moment, he said quietly, “But, Judith, I think we have to begin to think about things in a different way. Do we want to only dwell on what we can’t have? Or should we consider hoping for something else? Judith, I think it’s time we started thinking about the future.”

  His words were sweet. So sweet. And she hated to disappoint him, but she feared he was setting them up for even more pain. “You make it sound so easy.”

  “I don’t think it is. But . . . I don’t think it would be easy for a woman to give up a baby. Or for a child to grow up without parents. Maybe, just maybe, we could make our situation into something more positive.”

  She heard the longing in his voice. Saw the hope in his eyes. She wanted to make him happy, she truly did. But . . . “Ben, you are a mighty gut person. And I love you, too. But I’m simply not sure. . . .”

  “Then do me a favor and read the packet. Don’t push this idea away without doing some thinking and praying first. Please, Judith.”

  She stared at the packet and sighed.

  And then she thought of everything her husband had been through. When he was thirteen, his mother had left him and his sister. His father had taken out his hurts and helplessness on Ben—and Ben had taken all the anger so his sister wouldn’t be harmed.

  Two years ago, when he’d come back to Sugarcreek after his daed passed away, he’d returned only to try to sell the house. The only thing he’d wanted was to sell the house and move on. But then, her father had asked him to help out at the store and
a series of events transpired to enable them to both share their feelings for each other.

  Judith learned that he’d always fancied her. She soon admitted that she’d also felt something special for him. Little by little, Ben began to trust her enough to share his heart. She’d been so touched when he admitted that he’d forgotten that some dreams were possible. It had taken the magic of Christmas to remind him of that.

  If he could come back to Sugarcreek, face his demons, and dream of a life filled with love, couldn’t she try to overcome her hurts, too?

  Wasn’t it time for her to face the future and start looking toward the things that she could have . . . instead of the things she couldn’t?

  Of course it was. Ben was so good to her. She knew in her heart that there was absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do for her. If all he was asking was for her to read about adoption . . . she knew she could do that.

  “All right. I’ll look at the papers soon.”

  “Danke.” He took her hands then. “Now that that is settled, what would you like to do?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Since we have to stay off the floors and let them dry. . . .”

  “Yes?”

  “How about we lie down on the grass and look at the clouds?”

  “What in the world?” she asked as he tugged her a bit and walked her to a portion of their front yard where the grass was especially thick and vibrant and soft. She was tempted. She really was. But what if someone saw? “Ben, if someone sees us they’re going to wonder what we’re up to.”

  “If they are rude enough to ask, I’ll be glad to tell them that I decided it was a wonderful-gut day to watch the clouds.” And with that, he lay right down and pulled her down with him.

  She laughed as she relaxed beside him, feeling all of six years old again. “You are a strange man, Ben Knox.”

  “So I’ve been told,” he said with a smile in his voice. “But look.”

  Finally, she stared up at the sky and gazed at the puffy white clouds hovering so far above them. The clouds looked like cotton balls, with the cotton pulled out in different ways.

  They were nothing out of the ordinary, but her appreciation of them was. “Oh!” she said.