Love, Lords, and Lady-Birds

by Barbara Cartland

  "I think you must realise that that is utterly impossible," the Earl said. "How do other women become Lady-Birds?" "They are not usually heiresses to start with."

  "It is no use being an heiress if you cannot get your fingers on your own money," Petrina said with inescapable logic.

  "If you take my advice," the Earl said, "I suggest that before you do anything drastic you call and see your Guardian."

  "What shall I gain by that?" Petrina asked. "He will doubtless be so annoyed by my leaving School that he will send me back under armed guard. Then I shall have to escape all over again."

  "I think if you explain to him that you are too old to be at School any longer and that all your friends have made their debuts, he will see reason."

  "Reason!" Petrina snorted. "He has not seen reason up until now. Why, why out of all the men in the whole world, should Papa have chosen him to be my Guardian? I expect he is old, strait-laced, and doubtless religious as well, so lie will disapprove of anything amusing." "Why should you think he will be like that?"

  "Because Papa, having lived an exciting and adventurous life himself, wanted to protect me.

  He was always saying: 'When you grow up, my darling, you must never make the mistakes I have.'" "And had he made a lot of mistakes?"

  "I do not think so. Not as far as I was concerned," Petrina answered. "But he fought quite a number of duels over beautiful ladies and I expect he was referring to them."

  She gave a little exclamation and flung out her hands.

  "Whatever it was, here am I saddled with this beastly old Guardian! When I think of all my money locked up in his safe or hidden under his bed, I could scream!"

  They drove on for a little while in silence. Then the Earl said:

  "I told you I have no desire to become involved in your mad escapade, and I make no promises, but perhaps, seeing the circumstances in which we have met, I could speak to your Guardian."

  Petrina turned round to stare at him in surprise, her eyes very wide.

  "Would you really do that?" she asked. 'That is kind of you! I take back all the things I have been thinking about you!"

  "What were you thinking?" the Earl asked curiously.

  "I thought you were rather top-lofty, stiff-necked, the grand old man stuffed with wisdom, condescending to the poor little peasant girl who knows no better."

  The Earl laughed as if he could not help himself.

  "You are the most incorrigible brat I have ever met in my life! I cannot believe that you are really serious in your intensions; and yet, because you are so obviously unpredictable, I am half-afraid that you are serious."

  "I am entirely serious," Petrina assured him. "And if you go to see my Guardian I shall hide myself, so that if he says no, he will not be able to find me and I can go on with my own plans."

  'Your own plans are not only entirely impractical, they are exceedingly reprehensible," the Earl said sharply, "and would not be considered by any woman who calls herself a lady."

  Petrina laughed.

  "I knew we would get round sooner or later to the subject of being a lady. 'A lady does not go out walking without her gloves.' 'A lady never answers back.' 'A lady does not walk in the street unescorted or go dancing until she is fully grown-up!' I am fed up with hearing about ladies!

  They lead the most boring, dull, restricted lives. I want to be free!"

  "The sort of freedom which you envisage for yourself is absolutely impossible."

  "Only because you think I am a lady."

  "Well, you are, and there is nothing you can do about it."

  "Except behave like a Lady-Bird."

  She was silent for a moment, then she said speculatively:

  "I cannot help wondering how they do behave, but I expect I shall see lots of them in London.

  Claire says I shall recognise them because they are usually very smart, very pretty, and drive in the Park unattended."

  She paused and glanced at the Earl from under her eye-lashes as she added:

  "Except by gentlemen, of course."

  "But the women to whom you are referring are not ladies, and they certainly do not have fortunes like yours to fall back on."

  'Think how pleased the gentlemen will be if they do not have to provide me with carriages and lots and lots of jewellery!"

  The Earl did not answer and after a moment she asked:

  "How much does your mistress cost you a year?"

  Once again the Earl was startled into almost losing control of his horses, then he said sharply:

  "You are not to ask such questions! You are not to talk about such women! You are to behave yourself! Do you understand?"

  "Because you say so?" Petrina asked. "You have no jurisdiction over me, as you well know."

  "I can refuse to take you any farther," the Earl threatened.

  Petrina looked round her with a smile.

  They had joined the main highway to London and there was quite a considerable amount of traffic not only of private Phaetons and carriages, but post-chaises and stage-coaches.

  "If I had any sense," the Earl averred, "I would put you down and leave you to go to the devil your own way."

  Petrina laughed.

  "I am not afraid, if that is what you want to do. Now that I am so near to London, I can take a stage-coach or hire a post-chaise to go the rest of the way."

  "And when you reach London, where do you intend to stay?"

  "At a Hotel."

  "No respectable Hotel would have you."

  "I know the name of one that will," Petrina retorted. "Rupert told Claire it was where he had sometimes stayed with a Lady-Bird, so I do not think they will refuse me."

  The trouble with the Viscount Coombe, the Earl thought angrily, was that he talked far too freely in front of his sister.

  "Have you heard of the Griffin Hotel off Jermyn Street?" Petrina asked.

  The Earl had, and he knew it was not the sort of environment for a young woman alone, least of all anyone as young and unsophisticated as Petrina.

  "I am going to take you straight to your Guardian," he said aloud. "I will explain your predicament to him, and I think I can promise that at least he will listen to me, and I hope will behave in a reasonable manner."

  "He might, if you are of sufficient importance," Petrina said after a moment, "and I think you must be to have horses like yours."

  "What is your Guardian's name?" the Earl asked.

  Petrina did not answer for a moment and he knew she was considering whether she could trust him or not.

  Because of her reluctance, he felt himself begin to lose control of his temper.

  "Dammit all! I am doing my best to help you," he said. "Any other girl would be grateful to me."

  "I am grateful to you for bringing me as far as this," Petrina answered slowly.

  "Then why are you so reluctant to trust me?"

  "It is not that, it is just because I think that you are so old you have forgotten how to be young."

  The Earl squared his chin.

  'Old!' he thought. 'Old at thirty-three!' But he supposed that was what a child of eighteen would think. At the same time, it was a sobering thought Then he looked at Petrina and saw the mischief in her eyes.

  "You are deliberately provoking me!" he said accusingly.

  "Well, you have been so supercilious and stuck-up the whole way here," she complained,

  "talking down to me as if I had not a brain in my head. I may tell you I am considered to be extremely intelligent."

  "What you are contemplating is not in the least intelligent," he snapped.

  "I think I have got under your skin," she teased, "and it delights me."

  "Why?"

  "I suppose because you are so omnipotent—so immune to the troubles and difficulties of ordinary human beings like me. You make me want to throw stones at you."

  "Then it is a pity you missed me with your valise," the Earl replied. "I might have lain unconscious on the ground while you found yourself
under arrest for assault."

  Petrina smiled at him mockingly.

  "I should not have waited to be arrested. I should have run away."

  "Something you seem to be particularly good at!"

  "Well, I have not done badly for a first attempt, have I? Here I am, driving to London behind the most magnificent horses I have ever seen, with . . ."

  She stopped speaking and turned to look at him.

  She took in for the first time the snowy-white, intricately tied cravat with the points of his collar high against his chin-bone, the superb grey whip-cord driving-coat, the tightly fitting yellow pantaloons, and the high- crowned hat set at an angle on his dark head.

  "I know what you are," she cried. "You are a Corinthian! I always hoped I should meet one."

  "Instead of talking about me," the Earl said, "I am waiting for you first to tell me the name of your Guardian, then your own name."

  "Very well, I will risk it," Petrina answered, "and if the worst comes to the worst I can always run away so that you cannot find me."

  "That will be difficult for you if you become the Talk of the Town, as you intend."

  She chuckled again.

  "You are rather good at repartee. I like it when you snap back."

  As the Earl was noted for having a very ready wit and his bons mots were invariably repeated round the Clubs after he had made them, this artless remark made his lips curve cynically, but he said nothing, only waited.

  "Very well," Petrina sighed. "The name of my horrible, cruel, beastly Guardian is the Earl of Staverton!"

  'I might have expected it!' the Earl thought.

  It was as if everything that had happened had built up to this moment.

  Slowly, almost as if the words were forced from his lips, he said:

  "Then your name is Lyndon—and your father was Lucky Lyndon!"

  "How did you know that?"

  Petrina's eyes were wide.

  "Because it is I who have the misfortune to be your Guardian!"

  "I do not believe it! It is not possible! You are not old enough, for one thing."

  "A moment ago you were telling me I was too old!"

  "But I thought you would be decrepit, have white hair, and walk with a stick."

  "I am sorry if I disappoint you."

  "Then if you are really my Guardian, what have you done with my money?"

  "I assure you that it is, to the best of my knowledge, intact," the Earl said.

  "Then why . . . why have you behaved in such a horrible manner to me?"

  "To tell the truth, I had actually forgotten your existence," the Earl replied.

  He felt Petrina stiffen as if at the insult and went on to explain:

  "As it happened, I was abroad when your father died, and when I returned I had a great many personal rnatters to attend to because I had only just inherited my father's title and estates.

  I am afraid your problems were set aside for mine."

  "But you must have told your Lawyer that I was to go to Harrogate in the holidays and stay with Cousin Adelaide."

  "I told him to deal with the matter as he thought best"

  "But you knew Papa?"

  "Your father and I served in the same Regiment, and before the Battle of Waterloo a great number of us made wills. Those who were married left their children, and sometimes even their wives, in the charge of friends whom they thought most capable of looking after them if they were killed."

  "Papa was older than you."

  "Quite a deal older," the Earl agreed, "but we played cards together and we both had a great love of horses."

  "And because you knew a lot about horse-flesh, Papa thought you were a suitable Guardian for me," Petrina said bitterly. "Well, I only hope he is aware, in Heaven or wherever he is, what a mess you have made of it."

  "I am astonished that your father never changed his will."

  "I suppose he thought there was no-one else more suitable. Anyway, he did not expect to die when he did."

  "No, of course not. Was it an accident?"

  "He had been drinking with friends and when they rode home someone bet Papa he would not jump a very high wall. Papa never could resist a bet."

  "I am sorry."

  "I loved him," Petrina said, "although he was often very unpredictable."

  "And your mother?"

  "She died during the war when Papa was with Wellington's Army."

  "And that left only Cousin Adelaide."

  "Yes, Cousin Adelaide," Petrina agreed in a different tone of voice, "and no-one except you could think her a suitable companion for a young girl."

  "I suppose I shall have to allow you to choose your own Chaperon," the Earl said.

  "I am not going to have one!"

  "Oh yes you are!" he replied. "As your Guardian I shall appoint one immediately, and if you are pleasant to me I will allow you to have a choice in the matter."

  Petrina looked at him suspiciously.

  "Are you intending to launch me in Society?"

  "I suppose I shall have to," he replied, "but let me assure you, Petrina, I have no desire to do so! I cannot imagine what I shall do, saddled with a debutante, especially one like you."

  "I do not want to be a debutante, I want to be a Lady-Bird."

  "If I hear one more mention of that," the Earl said firmly, "I shall give you a good spanking, which, incidentally, is something which I imagine has been regrettably omitted from your education in the past."

  "If you are going to take that attitude towards me," Petrina retorted, "I shall run away here and now, and you will never find me again."

  "Then I shall hang on to your fortune," the Earl said. "You have already accused me of spending it on myself."

  "Have you done so?"

  "No, of course not! I happen to be an extremely wealthy man."

  "Then I would like everything I own handed over to me immediately."

  "You get half, I think, when you are twenty-one, and the rest when you are twenty-five, or the whole lot when you marry."

  Petrina stamped her foot on the floor of the Phaeton.

  'You are only quoting to me my own words. I wish I had known who you were when I was waiting for Jeb."

  "Think how lucky you have been," the Earl said mockingly. "By sheer coincidence I have turned out, as if we were in a fairy-story, to be your Guardian. I have waved my magic wand, you come to London, make your curtsey to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, and, if you wish, to the Regent. You are then launched into the Beau Monde."

  "You mean everyone will pay a great deal of attention to me because I am your Ward?"

  "And you are also, of course, an heiress," the Earl said.

  "I am not going to marry anyone, even if you do plan to find me a suitable husband."

  "If you imagine I am going to concern myself with your amatory adventures, you are very much mistaken!" the Earl retorted. "I will find you a Chaperon, and as my house is very large I presume you can live there for the time being. If you annoy me or are tiresome, I shall rent a house for you on your own."

  "Shall I never see you?" Petrina asked curiously.

  "Not often," the Earl answered frankly. "I have a well-organised life, a great deal to do one way or another, and frankly I find young girls a bore!"

  "If they are anything like the girls I was at School with, I am not surprised," Petrina said. "But I suppose they grow up into the witty, sophisticated women of the world with whom you have tempestuous love- affairs."

  "Who told you that?" the Earl asked in a voice of thunder.

  "Claire said that all the Gentlemen of Fashion had mistresses—after all, what about the Regent? And all the most beautiful women have lovers."

  "If you would cease quoting your foolish and ill-informed friend I think we would get along a great deal better," the Earl said irritably.

  "But it is true, is it not?" Petrina enquired.

  'What is true?"

  "That you have made love to lots and lots of beautiful ladies."
/>
  This was undeniably a fact, but it made the Earl extremely annoyed.

  'Will you stop talking about things no well-behaved girl should mention?" he stormed.

  'When I launch you in Society, Petrina, you will be ostracised by all the most important hostesses if you speak of mistresses and all the other vulgar creatures you have mentioned since we met each other."

  "I think you are very unfair," Petrina complained. "After all, you kept asking me questions and I answered truthfully. It is no use complaining now that I did not lie. How was I to know you were my Guardian?"

  With an effort the Earl controlled his temper.

  "I cannot believe that any girl with your opportunities would not wish to be a success, and it will be impossible to be one unless you learn to curb your tongue."

  "I have had to curb it at School," Petrina replied, "but I had hoped when I got away I should be able to be myself, and I do not see really why that is wrong."

  "Your whole attitude is wrong," the Earl said severely. "Nicely behaved, well-brought-up young ladies make their debut and get married, and know nothing about the seamy side of life."

  "You mean about Lady-Birds, and 'bits o' muslin'?"

  'Yes!"

  'Well, Claire knows all about them."

  "Claire has a brother who obviously has a very irresponsible attitude towards his sister."

  "I have a feeling Rupert and I would have a great deal in common."

  "Perhaps you will," the Earl replied. "In which case he might wish to marry you, and as he will be the Marquess of Morecombe one day, I should give such an alliance my whole-hearted consent."

  "There you go!" Petrina exclaimed. "Talking just like some cackling old Dowager who is thrusting her daughter upon the marriage-market!"

  She made a sound of contempt and went on:

  "Rupert wants my money, and you think I want his title. Well, let me make it quite clear, my dear Guardian, I have no intention of marrying anyone unless I come to feel very different from what I feel about men at the moment."

  "Of whom you know nothing, except for a Vicar."

  "There you go again, quoting my own words at me! All right . . . of whom I know nothing.